Feeling very frustrated tonight. I want to run away and never look back. As my mom's dementia worsens, so do I. I am running out of patience and its hard for me to fake it. 20 questions over and over again. Following me around with the calendar. "What day is it? What does this mean? I just have one question" It's NEVER just one question. I am worn out and feeling extremely guilty as I know I cannot do this for much longer. I think it's time to consider having a full-time caregiver move in. My girlfriend takes care of mom Mon-Friday which is awesome, but she leaves shortly after I get home and then the sundowners begins. My husband and my only date in the last several weeks was a trip to the dump today to get rid of a bunch of my dad's stuff that we cleared out when mom was in Texas for 2 weeks.

I've been taking care of people most of my life and I'm at my wits end. I need a life! I want my husband and I to have a place of our own, but I'm plagued with guilt about moving out on mom. There is absolutely no sense of community in this neighborhood. Mom is isolated in this house! Scottsdale is a city of adobe walls. I feel she needs to be with people her own age and I am not talking about Adult Day Care or a Nursing Home. I don't know what to do, and people keep telling me she won't get proper care in an assisted living situation. My dad left her with a LOT of money to provide for her care. She can't live alone, and I can't stay in this situation for much longer without going coo-coo myself. I hate this! I hate this! I HATE THIS! I KNOW this is not mom's fault, but I feel my mom died along with my dad 7 months ago, and all that remains is an empty shell. God help me. Something's gotta give.

The trouble with life is that things happen according to their own schedule whether it suits us or not... kinda "ready-or-not, here I come" kind of a thing. I darkly joke with friends that when things are going along okay, it almost makes me NERVOUS because I am waiting for that other shoe to drop, the crisis du jour, etc. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be grieving for the loss of one parent and having to be the be-all and end-all for another... it's a mighty tough spot, Sandy, and I admire your perseverance and loyalty so much! A "coward" you are SOOOO NOT! I hope you'll be patient with yourself (and every other aggravating thing else!) during this time and if you ever truly feel like you are getting "stuck" somewhere in the grief process, please reach out. It takes a long time to assimilate the loss of a parent even when you weren't their caregiver, stuck to them like glue. Because your mother still requires care, you can't even revel in the release from caregiving that helps buoy many caregivers when their loved one finally passes on... To borrow some lines from AA... Easy does it. Be kind to yourself. Grief hurts and is a very uncomfortable process through which to go... Your love for your father did not grow to its size, breadth and depth in a few days or a few months... feeling comfortable again without him will take a while. One day at a time. Don't look at the mountain, which is your mother's passing looming on the horizon somewhere... You'll deal with that day when it happens, but god willin' and the creek stays low, it won't be today. I HOPE you will take time to truly admire yourself and give yourself a lotta strokes for shouldering what you have chosen as well as what has been thrust upon you. You really ARE an extraordinary woman in a very difficult circumstance. Get all the help that you can, dear. FIND sitters and pay them - the money doesn't matter so much as your need for time without so much responsibility. Get OUT of the house and away from your mom some to give yourself some space. Your mom won't like having sitters, but the alternative is less palatable to her and to you. Has your brother moved there yet? If/when he does, perhaps HE should be pressed into service for a shift or two during the week.

Hang in there, sweetie. I think you are doing great! I hope that when my time comes to part from Mom and continue on juggling my grief and responsibilities that I will be as functional as you are!

quote:

Originally posted by SandyF:

quote:

Originally posted by Hannah: Death is a sad time, but maybe, just maybe you need a little more than a blog support..

Hannah: Are you serious or just insensitive, which is it? You think that I'm seeking a form of therapy by responding to this topic? That anti-depressants will help me work through feelings of grief that I shouldn't expect to otherwise feel after losing a parent? Taking an anti-depressant will change my situation as sole caregiver to my mother when I’d rather be getting on with my life? Where is it suggested that in order to get beyond whatever it is when “shit happens” in life, that medication is necessarily the remedy? No pill in this world can deny or reverse what is and isn’t always the best therapy for aiding and arriving beyond some losses, I believe. You’re certainly not suggesting that medication will alter my view about caregiving, are you? Or that the only acceptable emotion one should expect be nothing less than pleasing and contentment, no matter what, correct? This (especially, my loss) is one of those events in life that I know, have to be felt totally in order to get beyond, eventually. What ever happened to the days when life had allowances for the ups and downs and grief had a rightful place and belonged attached to one of the most profound events and inherently and faithfully knowing would eventually get worked through without taking medication to work through it all? Is it such a forbidden or unexpected emotion that the advice for medication be the only foreseeable solution? I don't need to get beyond anything any quicker than the pace I'm working at now. I've come a long way in 6 weeks with no denials and suspect it will take a long time before I'm pain-free. Of course I’m not my typical self. How could anyone be typical ‘anything’ after going through something so altering? Your input was very insightful Hannah. Thank you.

I never meant that a pill would erase your pain or that you shouldn't be feeling what you feel. I only meant it as an aid to healing, not as a quick fix button. I apologize for my assumptions.

quote:

Originally posted by Hannah: Death is a sad time, but maybe, just maybe you need a little more than a blog support..

Hannah: Are you serious or just insensitive, which is it? You think that I'm seeking a form of therapy by responding to this topic? That anti-depressants will help me work through feelings of grief that I shouldn't expect to otherwise feel after losing a parent? Taking an anti-depressant will change my situation as sole caregiver to my mother when I’d rather be getting on with my life? Where is it suggested that in order to get beyond whatever it is when “shit happens” in life, that medication is necessarily the remedy? No pill in this world can deny or reverse what is and isn’t always the best therapy for aiding and arriving beyond some losses, I believe. You’re certainly not suggesting that medication will alter my view about caregiving, are you? Or that the only acceptable emotion one should expect be nothing less than pleasing and contentment, no matter what, correct? This (especially, my loss) is one of those events in life that I know, have to be felt totally in order to get beyond, eventually. What ever happened to the days when life had allowances for the ups and downs and grief had a rightful place and belonged attached to one of the most profound events and inherently and faithfully knowing would eventually get worked through without taking medication to work through it all? Is it such a forbidden or unexpected emotion that the advice for medication be the only foreseeable solution? I don't need to get beyond anything any quicker than the pace I'm working at now. I've come a long way in 6 weeks with no denials and suspect it will take a long time before I'm pain-free. Of course I’m not my typical self. How could anyone be typical ‘anything’ after going through something so altering? Your input was very insightful Hannah. Thank you.

quote:

Originally posted by SandyF:
Kathleen, I wish I could offer you an alternative suggestion but I can't. I know exactly how you feel, exactly. I am totally weighed down by taking care of my mother whose life is spent in bed. Very nightmereish here. You may remember, I was taking care of both my folks. My father was extremely debilitated from a stroke and my mother is frail, blind and just deteriorating. My sweet father passed away last month. I've been a mess over this. I need and so much, want to get my life back on track and start living it but I too, can't. I'm totally weighed down by her. I've been depressed over my loss and strapped down by having to watch over my mother. I deserve to live my life on my terms and feel extremely resentful and guilty (for feeling resentful) at the same time. I am living my life solely to take care of her and I am resentful toward her for this but I'm also too much of a coward to do anything about it. She knows this too otherwise, she'd allow me to find other alternatives for her but I just couldn't let her down and I just can't come to terms with this. I pretty much realize that the only way out for me is when she follows my father and I don't think I can go through another loss like this. I'm still so devastated over my father. Wish I had more to offer here....

Heartfelt,
Sandy

Sandy,
Hon you do not sound like "yourself" at all. No I don't "know" you. But I read what you write, how optimistic you usually are and supportive yet common sense ideas. I read about your Dad's death. And now you seem so deflated. Death is a sad time, but maybe, just maybe you need a little more than a blog support. Maybe you need to treat yourself to some anti-depressants to help you over this hump in life? I have had depression myself in the past and I read what you say here and it just sounds so familiar to me in tone. You have to take care of you BEFORE you are able to take care of anyone else. You and your Mom both deserve a life of peace and meaning. Your Dad would not want you living this way. Would you want a child of yours feeling this way and having to care for you? Your Mom, if in her healthy mind wouldn't want you doing this if this is the price so you have nothing to feel quitly for in taking care of yourself first. I think you should call a Dr tomorrow and make an appointment re depression.

Do it for yourself and for your Mom and Dad.

Welcome, StephensSon! Glad you found your way here! We're all lucky to have one another to share experiences and feelings we are having! I hope you'll wander over to the Casual Corner (click here to go there), create a new topic and tell us a little about yourself and the person for whom you are caring. The folks here are the best of the best! I don't think I have seen a single problem shared here with which SOMEONE hasn't had an experience! Caregiving is frequently a very lonely-feeling task... it helps a lot to know there are a LOT of others out there who are going through the same kinda things that you are. Glad ya made it & lookin' forward to getting to know ya.

Welcome Steven's son.

You have a full house w/4 kids, wife & dad. Their lucky to have you.

Everyone here has dealt w/sibling issues, unless of course they are an only child then it could be "friends" or neighbors. For me it was no help/involvement from my brother until things took a turn for the worse for Mom.

Glad you found us & keep coming back.

Bobcat, thanks for the suggestion re: my email address. It was a little confusing when I tried to register. ljjsm is now Stephen'sSon. Again, glad I found this place.

Dear Sandy,
I send my heartfelt sympathies regarding the loss of your dad. I am convinced my dad's death pushed my sweet mama over the edge. She misses him so much. Thank you for sharing your resentment at being resentful. Boy can I relate to that! Somone once reminded me that this is just a "season" of life and it shall pass. But hell's bells, I'd take a 60 below zero windchill next to Lake Michigan compared to this. At least then the entire city is suffering with you and people tend to gather together in a storm. I'm thinking the cruelest part of this disease is the fact it not only isolates the patient in their own suffering, but it also isolates those of us who are caring for them from each other. Would sure be nice to be able to really go to the Bar and Grill and start and end each day with a group hug and a stiff drink.

Re: Nurse "Ratshit" y'all...yes it was "Cukoo's Nest". My dad affectionately nicknamed me while I took care of him over the last couple of years. Now that's what family and friends call me. I have a picture of her in my files, cut I'm not sure how to get it on this site. If you haven't seen the movie, now is NOT the time...it will only feed depression.

I love you all and thank God for this site. Time to suit up, I'm teaching 1st graders today. Yesterday was not a good day...sigh...let's hope for a better one today.
See ya at the Bar later.
Love,
Ratshit

Kathleen, I wish I could offer you an alternative suggestion but I can't. I know exactly how you feel, exactly. I am totally weighed down by taking care of my mother whose life is spent in bed. Very nightmereish here. You may remember, I was taking care of both my folks. My father was extremely debilitated from a stroke and my mother is frail, blind and just deteriorating. My sweet father passed away last month. I've been a mess over this. I need and so much, want to get my life back on track and start living it but I too, can't. I'm totally weighed down by her. I've been depressed over my loss and strapped down by having to watch over my mother. I deserve to live my life on my terms and feel extremely resentful and guilty (for feeling resentful) at the same time. I am living my life solely to take care of her and I am resentful toward her for this but I'm also too much of a coward to do anything about it. She knows this too otherwise, she'd allow me to find other alternatives for her but I just couldn't let her down and I just can't come to terms with this. I pretty much realize that the only way out for me is when she follows my father and I don't think I can go through another loss like this. I'm still so devastated over my father. Wish I had more to offer here....

Heartfelt,
Sandy

Welcome ljjsm. To get an ear full of the sibling, in laws, etc., scan through the family dynamics section. I find stuff worth reading and rereading there all the time. Come on up to ECOs Bar and Grill and relax a bit. We sure are glad for the company. Talk to you later.
Respectfully yours, Bobcat

Hello there. I just found this site, but I could have used it months ago. Never too late. I like the anger dept. of this site... have had a lot of that lately. Anyone here had trouble with their siblings while taking care of a parent. I forgot all about the pet peeves I had with my sisters growing up. Now that our dad is sick, we are forced to spend more time together... of all places at my home!!! I'm sure others have experienced this... but it's getting to me.

quote:

Originally posted by Bobcat:
One Flew Over the CooCoo's Nest I think it was written by Ken Keesy, the movie starred Jack Nicholson. Nurse Ratchit, he called her ratshit. Some days, it scares me to find myself thinking she was the good guy in this one. A new perspective.

Thank you BC it was drivin me crazy!

Speaking of Ice cream ..tried the sugar free made with splenda sweetner. It is really good! Cant tell the difference in it and the sugar kind.

One Flew Over the CooCoo's Nest I think it was written by Ken Keesy, the movie starred Jack Nicholson. Nurse Ratchit, he called her ratshit. Some days, it scares me to find myself thinking she was the good guy in this one. A new perspective.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Dang Kath and now I seem to remember we went over this once before! Uh knock knock Bunny your repeating yourself again!
Well theres still the ole go outside and break some glass! Works everytime!
Nurse Ratshit...Kath its drivin me crazy! Where have I heard that before?

Nurse ratshit, that is a new one on me

Dear Mae,
Thank you sooooo much for your response and understanding. Dang, it's a bite ain't it? I will definitely look into a full time cgiver.

Thanks B-girl for your suggestions also. Mom was part of an Alzheimer's group with one of the top brain docs in the world. Aricept worked for a couple of years. Other meds made her so sick, including one combination that made her sleep 36 hours. Right now she's on Paxil for depression (and that works) and Seroquel once or twice a day to manage sundowning and angst. Re: small meals 6 times a day. I'm afraid that ship has sailed. I'm able to get a light breakfast and good dinner in her, only caffine-free coffee during the day. Yogurt works sometimes, but she is addicted to ice cream, nuts and peanut butter. Tried keeping it out of the house, and that just made her miserable. She's happiest when she's eating the ice cream, and as a family, we've decided she can have whatever her little heart desires. She's put on 20 pounds since dad died, I am well-versed on the appropriate diet for the brain, but she ain't interested. Unfortunately, sugar tends to worsen dementia symptoms as it affects the synapses in the brain

One night I had no ice cream in the house and she rummaged all night long through the freezer, cabinets, drawers. It was heartbreaking and when I came home from the store the next day with her favorite flavor, she danced a jig and hugged me and kissed me. How can I resist?

I have to remember to be grateful for so many things, especially the fact that we have options that so many other people don't have.

Thanks for being out there supporting me.

Blessings and love to all.
Nurse Ratshit

KathleenM.I remember saying and thinking the exact same thing
If mom has the finances to allow her to have a live in caregiver, why not give it a try.
That will allow you to have a life and be assured mom is well taken care of.You can make surprise visits to make sure she is well cared for.
My mother would repeat the same questions over and over and I gave the same answers over and over.I had to remember to give the same answers over and over.Because they are unable to absorb new information they are not aware they asked and you answered4.
Actually is made some days easier as I knew what she was going to say and under what circumstances.
Once my mother was on a change in meds she never hollered unless she was in pain.Never repeated herself as she had done for so long.
It is a sad situation for all involved.Good and loving people afflicted by symptoms that take away who they once were.We all have come to understand this is not about the loved one we care for.But this disease that causes them to have moments that cause us stress because we have no answers and no control.No matter what we do the disease wins.
The mother you knew is lost but inside this ill person is the heart and soul of your mom.The blood that flows through her veins is your moms.She feels pain inside this body so over come with fear and confusion.
I so wish people afflicted would come to a stop.We are loosing so many valuable family members to these diseases.Gran kids are loosing grandparents etc.Families are being torn apart because of the stress and they are incapable of dealing with it day by day.I do not believe the nation realizes just how much we are loosing because of our loved ones having these diseases.So many are denied the beauty they once represented.
I would suggest you find someone to give you a break until you can get a full time sitter.Get away from the situation so you can be more objective.
I would hope that anyone who plans to become a caregiver read your and others posts.Each goes into it with the best intentions.Never believeing one could be tested to their limits.Saying one thing and doing it is another.I have said it so many times and will say it again.If their is family close by they should help in some way.They will acknowledge the parent when it comes time to split the assets.But fail to give support to allow them to have some quality of life in their struggling years.
You need to find away to get away for a day.Just to escape those walls that feel like they are closing in.Have something to look forward to so each day begins to be like the last.

Kathleen what have you tried so far as meds?
And no Im not taking about drugging her all up Im talking about something to relieve some of the sundowning.
This is something I went through with my MIL she was bad also.
Are you feeding her multiple meals in small quantities if not lets start there.
Feed her 4-6 meals a day no bigger than a fist and nothing past 5pm this seems to quiet them down quite a bit. Absolutely no caffeine at all either... Coffee teas and sodas are a no no.
If she must have hot liquids give her chamomile tea.
calender clock issues, theres a wonderful little clock out thats great just for this reason
here it is...
http://www.amazon.com/Reizen-Auto-Calendar-Clock/dp/B00...340010?ie=UTF8&s=hpc
thank heavens for this thing Im tellin ya!

Sweetheart I feel your pain so does everyone else dealin with this...when you start to feel like bustin just say mom excuse me for a moment go outside and take a deep breath calm down...tell yourself its just a question, kids do the very same thing the only difference here shes an adult that used to be able to think for herself without asking 100 questions and now she can no longer figure out what day it is...isnt life cruel?