I lost it. I tried but I did. Yesterday seemed to be going okay..her BP was good/ I had put off an appt for almost a month & decided would be a "good day" to go. She seemed better than she had in awhile. I could actually take a deep breath without a huge lump & no tears welling. I only felt a little (okay more than a little) guilty for going, my appt was for my hair. I asked my Mom to go, 1st she said yes, then no she was too tired. "Ok..I'll be back in a hour.
When I returned she was dressed & sitting out on the lanai ( her favorite spot). She was doing the crossword...I always make sure to get it out of the paper for her. So, things seemed to be good, she was in a good mood and everything was hunky dory. So I thought I could breech a few subjects. One was her vehicle. She has been told she can't drive anymore (BIG BIG DEAL FOR HER). She won't get rid of it as she assumes one day she will be driving again. OK fine. I said well, you need to sign the title so I can put it in my name too, she says ok. "Now why am I doing this?"
Then she asks why she hasn't heard from Larry (next older bro to me who lives here in town) I said geesh Mom it's been no longer than usual for him...maybe he can pay his rent this month. I meant it as a freaqkin joke (is true tho). So then I figured what the hell, time to bring up her $$. Tryed to explain about the one med that isn't covered by her ins, slowly going into the "you don't have as much money as you did before" BLANK STARE Why? she says. (Now I'm getting aggravated because this whole thing pisses me off anyway) "Because Mom you gave away 150 thousand dollars to Brian & Dennis"!!!
Oh, she says. Then she says where is my checkbook, who's birthday is it & do I need to write a check? I said it's no ones b'day today Mom, it was Larrys last month & you gave him cash from your purse. She insists on pushing the b'day thing (She remembers after asking what the month is) so I tell her mine is on the 14th & my Daughters is on the 22nd. I told her she already got me something (for the 101 time).
Then I was stupid enough to tell her about something I read online (think it was a link from a post here) about how if she ran out of money down the line for her healthcare, they would go back to the brothers and bill them. She blew a gasket and went on about "Why would YOU (ME??) do that to them etc etc.
I saw red. I went off on how useless they all were and I ougtta get her attorney on them NOW. Well, she says I gave them that money didn't I ...don't get them into trouble. Damn the hell on everything...woman, can't you friggin see I am scared for your future....while those pigs & their wives could give a big crap? Theres nothing wrong w/ me I am feeling better she says.
Okay I say..gritting teeth, I am going to make us pizza for dinner.
When I was at the hair salon the woman who does my hair & knows my Mom, of course inquired as to her well being. When I told her what was going on she said she noticed some change in her last time she was in w/ me. Then she went on to tell me how she cared for her neighbor & buisiness partner for 5 yrs who had Lewy body dementia. She went all through the legal crap she went through w/ neices (this woman had alot of $$, I guess) and what I should do...she kept saying to me every other sentence it seemed like....your Mom is incompetent, over & over. I kept telling her she is not that bad/she went on to say other crap 'til I thought my head would explode.
She discouraged what she called the "futile" act of trying to think I could care for her, and that I should sell her condo asap & put her in assisted living. She then went on to tell me the cost etc. My head was spinning.
ok, so now I am reading a bunch of stuff on Vascular Dementia . This was mentioned in the report from the memory clinic along W/ the depression and AD.
EVERYHING IS MENTIONED AND I GET NO FRIGGIN ANSWERS.
She was talking about how I should take everything out of the trust & put it in my name.
(I had told her what the bro's did). Is she right?
I give up/ I want off this ride Mommy it makes me dizzy.....Mom.........Mom.............are you still there?????????????

This message has been edited. Last edited by: sandranne,

Sandy, check your PM box. I responded back to you there. I don't always get emails from PM's letting me know about messages so I'm letting you know here there's one there!

Sandra: Your mother was diagnosed with AD? If she's suffering with dementia, it is very possible that its progression will be slow. It is also possible that it won't get worse although this depends on a lot of things. The meds can help stop its progression in some people (depending on the severity and when drug intervention therapy begins). How old is your mother?

Is it the living arrangement that is hardest for you? What exactly is the living arrangement? Are you married or is it just you and mom in the house? How long have you been caring for your mother and have you seen the changes that this woman pointed out to you or did that take you by surprise? This woman should not have told you to sell your mothers condo or do anything rash like that. She only knows what she went through and the diagnosis for who she cared for.....NOT your mother.

There are a lot of resources out there. Caring for an elder who isn't sick can be difficult. You'll find your way with your mother’s illness....yes, that means more patience and understanding which will come through education on your mother’s illness and condition. Altering your life instead of living it on your terms can be the most difficult. Wishing for it to end and it never does, the worst. Blowing it and yelling and letting off steam - all very forgivable. Expecting your mother to use common sense…..that’s the part in all of this where you need to take over and you’ll begin to see that life will be a lot easier for you once you take this control.

quote:

I kept telling her she is not that bad

One word to contemplate: DENIAL

Sandranne, your mom IS incompetant not only to be making financial and care decisions, but also to even discuss them in anything but a very superficial manner, if at all. I KNOW you do not want this to be true, but look at the facts dispassionately. Your mom knows NOTHING about medicare/medicaid and health care. She does not seem to realize that she cannot just "give" her money away as she pleases, then, if she requires care costing in excess of her income, that the government will ask for that money to be returned to her use! There is a limit upon which a person may "gift" others without creating taxable repercussions. The limit used to be $10 grand per year per person; I believe it has gone up, but I do not know by how much. Did your brothers report these distributions as INCOME on their taxes? Hmmmmm? YOU understand this stuff, but mom does not. Her feeling is that it's her money and she'll do with it as she pleases. Wish that were true...

Your mom is not competant to handle her financial or medical or daily affairs. She will not be able to do so in the future without some kind of major medical treatment or miracle.

Discussing these issues with her - trying to MAKE her understand and cooperate with matters that are incomprehensible to her - will result in more confusion, irritation and volability.

You have seen a clear demonstration of her inability to handle, remember and comprehend these complex issues.

I am sorry that the hair lady was so discouraging to you about your mother's care. You will have to learn that people speak from their OWN set of experiences, abilities and emotions and NOT from the position of possibilities. Perhaps SHE could not handle 24/7 caregiving for her loved one, but that does not mean that YOU cannot... Different strokes for different folks. Different situations allow and require different solutions. At some points in a long-term terminal illness, perhaps home care works out well for all concerned; just as quickly, conditions may change that make that solution unworkable... It pays to underatand ALL options and have a plan a, b, c, d,.... just in case. Many folks who initially give care at home are forced to place their loved one in a facility later on because they cannot give the care required by the patient. There is no crime in that nor are people who place their loved ones in facilities "bad." Sometimes, it's the ONLY correct solution; sometimes it's one of many options from which one can choose.

Except for medications which can slow down the progress of some kinds of brain-destroying conditions, there is not a dime's worth of difference between brain destruction from vascular sources, AD, Lewey Body, stroke, etc. Destruction of brain cells is destruction of brain cells, period. In some cases, a normally functioning brain CAN make new neural pathways to regain some or most function, as we see in some stroke victims and other victims of traumatic brain damage (head injuries, etc.) but in the case of progressive damage, the areas that have been damaged are gone. They do not regenerate and because the destruction is ongoing, making new neural pathways cannot forestall the advance of the disease. The frontal lobe of the brain is where much of the "higher" functions of brain activity occur. The medulla oblongata or brain stem is where the most primative, autonomic functions occur (breathing, temperature regulation, heartbeat, etc.). It is helpful to know what parts of your mom's brain have been affected to understand her symptoms (ie. speech centers, autonomic reflexes, learning centers, etc.) but please understand that the brain does not regenerate dead cells the same way that we regrow cells when we scrape skin off our knee. This is why the cutting edges of medical research are desperately trying to find a way to regenerate or grow new neural cells (such as those located in the brain, the spine and nerves). This is what stem cell research is all about 'cause the body does not do this naturally. Other research is trying to find genetic solutions (turning "on" or "off" genes responsible for causing problems). Pharmacological research is looking for ways to alter, block, eliminate or augment chemical actions & reactions in the brain to prevent the advance and damage caused by progressive brain afflictions.

quote:

EVERYHING IS MENTIONED AND I GET NO FRIGGIN ANSWERS.

The "answers" for which you search are not the ones which will help you the most in caring for your mom. At the risk of speaking bluntly - you are looking for a cure for your mom and I sincerely doubt you will find one, but if you do - please let us know 'cause there is no cure that any of us have found yet... I do encourage EVERYONE to be constantly searching for better therapies, etc., but first one has to accept the diagnosis and understand that whether it's this progressive brain destroyer or that one is kinda moot. Destruction is destruction and progressive means a worsening condition, whether it is rapid or slow or one step forward, two steps back with long plateaus in between. In short, searching for answers and new knowledge is a good thing, but it does not change the facts of the situation.

Discussing your wrath with the Brothers Greedy with your mom is not going to be productive. First, you must respect that regardless of their behavior, you are ALL her children and she loves each of you as a mother. Any mom knows the pain of hearing their child criticized, whether fair or not. I totally understand how vehemently you feel about your bros, but try to be respectful of your mom's simple motherly love for her offspring (birthday presents, etc.). Don't go there if you can help it. Moms still love their children who have committed awful crimes against others and it causes them nothing but pain to point out that their kid is a contemptible axe murderer who isn't worth the oxygen they are breathing.

quote:

She was talking about how I should take everything out of the trust & put it in my name...Is she right?

Sandy, ASK AN ATTORNEY, not your mom!! She is clueless!

quote:

I want off this ride Mommy it makes me dizzy.....Mom.........Mom.............are you still there?

Mommy can't help anymore, dear. It's up to you now. She has placed her trust IN YOU, and for obvious good reason, I might add. She believed that YOU were the kid who could step up to the plate for her. I so TOTALLY understand how lonely and berift it feels to NOT be able to seek counsel from your mom - mine was my lifelong best friend and counsellor. To NOT be able to discuss perplexing situations with her feels very abnormal and empty, but I HAVE learned to draw on the wisdom she tried to teach me my whole life and make decisions that are in keeping with her wishes balanced by her care objectives. It's a lonely road, particularly at first until you become accustomed to her absence from the Round Table. Consider her retired in every sense of the term. She is retired from being your Mom. As harsh as it sounds, you will have to draw comfort and direction from within yourself and from others around you. Mom is retired.

Make Mom a nice calendar of birthdays for her reference. Then she can check 50 of those 101 times instead of asking you all of them! Buying cards ahead of time and clipping them to the back of the calendar page will enable her to take control of the activity by herself. Encouraging her to do what she CAN do and enabling that is important, but watch out if she starts writing letters to the President... I intercepted several letters to a former president who publically stated his position as a broccoli hater. She took him to task for not providing a good exaple of leadership and crapping on this wonderful source of nutrition; then included several of her favorite recipes for the White House kitchen to prepare for him. Some letters were kinda wacky and cute; others were quite critical... Since I didn't want a visit from the Secret Service, those letters somehow got lost...

Cheer up - and remember: ONE DAY AT A TIME. EASY DOES IT.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

I know what you are saying and I know her intentions were in the right place. Worst of all I probably know every word she said was true. I think. I really just want to take care of my Mom. I just am having a hard time w/ it. She said to me this morning that we will forget about what the doctors said about "that thing" (AD I am guessing) because she is better now.
I SOOOOO want to believe my Mom. Yeah I know I sound pretty stupid right now. I don't care. I can't help it.
I want to walk & keep walking. I know I will never do that. But I flipping feel like it.
I am scared.....for her, and I guess for me. I feel useless and angry and theres no hope for this...and then I can sure change my mind and talk myself into believing its everything else but AD.
I am going out of my mind here

Sandranne Im gonna play Devils advocate for a moment here....as I think I know what this woman was trying to do. Shes repeating herself to you because in her mind you dont seem to understand the enormity of the situation and she really does feel for you...She has seen both you and your mom and said she saw the changes and since shes seen this with her own 2 eyes she knows.
Her comment that she is incompetant although it might sound a little harsh on everyone elses end and what a few of us like to kindly refer to as "the Button is broke or the edit button is broke...The point that she is making is a valid one. As it seems to me that your mom was pretty smart with money issues back in the day ask yourself this would mom have written out checks for the extrodinary amount of $150 grand back then? My guess is no she wouldnt. Incompetant harsh but yes. You have to look at these words thrown around now in a different light...in the past it was something that did not apply to your mom but in a Doctors eyes its a word to be used here when judgement is impared. Its a legal term that is used when telling a judge a person is no longer able to make reasonable decisions in reguards to money health and safety. Do you believe your mom can be left alone in her own home to fend for herself? If the answer is no then what this kind woman is trying to point out to you (and probably admires you for being a generous spirit after all she has seen and heard) is that this is exactly what you need to acknowledge...Maybe she saw hesitation in you and she wanted to re enforce her point as she knows the value here of acceptance in this disease. Dont be angry at her love she was just trying to open your mind up to her experiences and since it seems they are quite simular she feels the responsibility in telling you this from her perspective....
Who knows she might have been a member on this board at one time and was given or gave some pretty sound advice that you might have listened to had you not been face to face with her...Knowaddimean
People in this situation get awnry mean pigheaded think they are right (and most times are) but we have our little slip and stumbles on this road, we lash out at others because we are so frustrated and if that wasnt bad enough sometimes we stomp on others feelings because we are so deeply into our own unsolved problems and we lose a genuine friend. Just acknowledge her with the purest of intent, take the advice or leave it, its up to you but dont be mad she is just looking out for a friend thats in a storm that shes familiar with.....
Ok done with DA....for the moment
PS dont beat yourself up over what happend last night we all lose it from time to time we are just protecting our loved ones from certain hurt and at times become over zealous in doing so...You recognize it feel bad for it now forgive yourself. You had the purest of intentions here. Now through experience you know better about what you can and can not speak to mom about now...Money and brothers....Hmmm seems Ive been down that road myself...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

Sandra: I wanted to respond to this when I read it but had to get going with the aid that came. I read what you wrote in my post and overall, your reply to me was what I was going to write back to you here and then some.

As for this woman telling you more than once that your mother's incompetent as if to imply that you've got to do more than what you're already doing.....whoa!!!! First of all, you know whether or not this is true and obvioulsy your mother needs you because she isn't well, that's a given. If and when in the future, life dictates a change in care, then you'll know before anyone else. Whether or not you will or can do something about it, you'll face sooner than this woman telling you what you already know.

I've got a brother who is clearly a piece crap. Very wealthy, lives in L.A., travels lots and hasn't come to see the folks since last August. And when he was here, spent all his time with his childhood friends from NY who now live in Fla. He calls once every 2-3 weeks, a real beaut. And.........once when my mother went to L.A. to visit him after his son was born (now divorced), he told my mother that if she left him less money in her will than to me, he would never forgive her. I clearly dislike him, have nothing to do with him, yadda, yadda, yadda. OK, so with that information just know you're not alone in your rage towards your brother/s. As for the money your mother gifted, depending on what state you live in, if your mother were to be admitted to a nursing facility and her estate is out of funds, Medicaid will come in and support all her financial obligations to a nursing facility BUT BUT BUT......they will go after your brother/s for the money that your mother gifted .....that is if, this money was given within the look back period that Medicaid and your state dictate that look back period to be. Medicaid has tightened up on every loop hole out there. They are the beneficiaries of your mothers estate if she should need them. They'll collect (get reimbursed for all money they laid out in nursing home care) before any of her children do. And they'll go after your brothers, yes IF a nursing home happens within the look back period, only.

What is it you need to know about vascular dementia? My father had a massive stroke and one of the residuals from that can be vascular dementia that he's got.

Anyway Sandra this all does suck, that we know. I just keep wishing for a miracle because I've learned that there are no great solutions to this situation.

Keep venting Sandra. We're all here for one another.

Sandy.