It has been 3 weeks since dh first went to the hospital and then to the nursing home. It still hurts so bad, when does it stop hurting? I want so bad to pile all his stuff in a bag and just bring him home, but I know I can't care for him here. I think I am doing okay and then everything falls apart and I am in tears again, like right now. I have my little budgie now and am letting him adjust. Why can't I adjust? Dh seems to be resigned and adjusting, why can't I?

<sigh>
Do you still have any of his clothing, specially an old comfy shirt, robe or pajama top? Yeah, even if it's washed and put away, grab it and wrap yourself in it.
(Aw heck, go buy him a new one and take the old one out of his room.)
What you're feeling is very normal, and you're not the first to be there. Your lifetime companion had to have different care than you could provide, and you feel pretty darn rotten about the part you had in the decision making.
Please don't feel guilty about this - if you can get rid of that feeling, perhaps you won't hurt quite as bad. If life was as it were 20 years ago, he would have been by your side supporting you if you'd have had to make the same choice for another loved one, would he not? He's forgiven you, he's adjusted. Please forgive yourself. Your inner turmoil will not go away, but instead of grief and GUILT, you will only have to learn to adjust to life at this moment. Many days will be good ones - grab all of them you can.

(((farmgirl))) I wish I knew, but you have taken steps, now it will take time. I care for my Mom, if it was my spouse I know I would feel something more, much more.