Honey, just about the time Mother was ready to "accept" the fact that she needed the extended help, she had a heart attack and only lived for one week longer.

She actually died on the very morning she was supposed to be released to come home.

She and Daddy had just celebrated their 58th wedding anniversary and my husband and I "just happened" (I think not) to be there with him when she was rushed away to the hospital.

Four months after her death, almost to the day, Daddy had a massive stroke. Which, for him was a blessing, in that he had forgotten she died. It was all very, very heartbreaking.

Daddy lived for a "week less than a year" after his stroke and then he passed from aspiration pneumonia.

So, while I would give my right arm to have them back here with me, I would say that, yes, Mother is much better now and is no longer in pain and on oxygen 24/7. And, she and Daddy are together, once again.

Thanks for your responses, guys.

We did have a meeting at the assisted living, and I had prepared a whole list of "options," and had spent the whole morning, researching it and typing up ideas. I got to the meeting, and they bascially had ONE solution - an alarm pad. Not the kind that hooks to your shirt, but you just sit on it. They really didn't feel good about anything else, so I consented.

We presented it to mom, and of course she was very upset at first. "I dont need it, I don't want it, and I'm not going to use it!" After the staff left, she said to me, "Well, I suppose its not going to be tatooed to my body, and they said if I don't like it, we can discuss the issue again. Or I could figure out how to disconnect it...!!!!!" So its being ordered, but she has her plan in place - complain enough to get it taken away, or disconnect it!

My mom is not "totally out to lunch" by a long shot. Moderate impairment on short term memory, and impaired judgement. She will forget things I told her 5 minutes earlier, on a consistent basis.

So the last week or so, they have not been using the alarms, and no falls. Its not like she is "always" falling -

I dunno.

I understand that I can't let her make all her own decisions, as she doesnt have a whole deck of cards, and is definitely impaired. She thinks she is "fine."

At what expense do I make her "safe." Is her safety more important than her happiness? Of course if she falls, and ends up with a severe brain hemmorage, she won't be happy, either.

Its all so confusing. I'll let you know how things go after the alarm pads arrive. I don't think they will "last" for long.

Janie, you say, "you seem to "support" her refusal to use the doctor-ordered alarms. It's a "respect and love your mom" thing, I think, but you say she has dementia and poor judgment.

I do in the sense of what would I want for me??? Would I, if I were in her shoes, want to take my chances, with a little more freedom? Or would I want to be hovered over by staff, an alarm going off everytime I lift my behind off a surface, in order to be "safe." I dont think its a simple answer.

How is your mom doing now, Janie? Is she still fighting things? It is interesting how these adults revert back to a child like state, emotionally, as well as physically - with the "no one is going to tell me what to do" two year old like attitude, and the pouting. Did your mom come around to accepting her new station in life, or no?

I know that it isn't funny, but I had to chuckle over your post, Janie. It sounded so familiar, right down to the poking out her bottom lip and pouting. And the part about her setting conditions really spoke to me. It's like having a four year old in charge of my life.

I know she isn't being manipulative intentionally (although she was known to be a bit so when she was in her "right mind"), but she causes tsunamis when she isn't getting her way. You just can't reason with her.

Our loved one is in a care facility, however, so there's a different guilt-factor in the choice we made on this issue. We instructed them not to restrain her. If she falls, she falls. Extending her life by making her miserable just didn't seem right to us. Her cognitive issues tend to wax and wane from day to day, and minute to minute, but it's unpredictable and restraining would involve having her restrained when she was comparatively sensible. That would be AWFUL! We try to have her in a safe environment where she wouldn't have to lie on the floor in pain for hours before help came, and be content with that. But again, when I think about it, I suspect easier for us because we can emotionally transfer some of that responsibility/guilt to the care center. The distinction is not rational, but the heart isn't rational usually.

Hi JJ,

Holy cow! I have read your post over and over and over. Your mom (and her stubborn personality) could be MY mother, carbon copy!!

My mother even "smart mouthed" the doctor when she was in the hospital for a carotid artery stint operation!!!! And, she WASN'T gonna cooperate to have a healthcare worker come in to help her exercise after the operation!!! And, she basically just folded her arms, stuck her lip out and said NO!

Well, I hated it so badly, but I had to sit her down and talk to her like a child. She was acting like a child and Daddy was too meek to talk to her that way. What else could I do?

She got mad at me; we argued; I felt guilty as all get out; she cried; she whimpered; pouted some more and .............. finally agreed to "allow" someone to come in, as long as I was there. At that point, even though I lived three hours away, I took what I could get. So, I'd drive there once a week while she gradually began to accept her "new position" in life. Which was ..... she was no longer capable of making her own decisions; she needed someone to step in and take charge. She was in total denial of her situation, and for a long time, I was, too.

I hope this comes out "right", because I sure don't want to 'talk down' to you or infer that I am being critical, but ....... it seems like both you and your mom are in denial about her right to make her own decisions at this time. Does that make any sense?

On one hand, you don't want to restrain her (which I understand and agree with), on the other hand ... you seem to "support" her refusal to use the doctor-ordered alarms. It's a "respect and love your mom" thing, I think, but you say she has dementia and poor judgment.

OK, so after all my blabbering ... (and I am so sorry you are pulling out your hair about this ), but given a different set of circumstances, and, if the shoe were on the other foot, how do you think your mom would handle this situation if your roles were reversed?

Wishing you positive energy and hopes for a better day today and tomorrow ..... and forward.

Janie

Hi Javajunkie. Sorry I don't have any wonderful answers for you. Guess the bike helmet idea wouldn't help she'd have it off in an instant unless could you make a special deal out of it by letting her decorate it and making it special to be able to wear it. Too bad you couldn't channel her enthusiasm to doing positive things is there anything she LIKES doing that isn't putting her at more risk?. I think they have padded pants to help protect the hips. Sorry I'm not more help. Hugs and prayers to you and your "two Moms on the fritz." Gypsy

No wisdom for you, but lots of sympathy. We spend most of our time between the proverbial rock and hard place, don't we?

You sure sound like a wonderful daughter who takes excellent, loving care of her mother.