Well, dh is going to the nursing home in the morning. This morning he did not know his first name or where he was, he thought he was in a smokehouse. The confusion is intense and some of his actions really off the wall. It will be a relief to have him where he can't hurt himself and get good care that I can't give him at home. I came home and cried all afternoon.

Now it is pick up the pieces and adjust to life alone and schedule so that I can do my things and visit him often at the home. Everyone keeps telling me to take care of myself, but right now I am not doing too good a job at it. He has been my heart and soul for 20 years and I feel like they've been ripped out of me. I didn't know anything could hurt so much.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, it has helped immensely. Yes, dealing with what had to be done is difficult, some days worse than others. I have begun taking steps to heal, gym workout 3 mornings a week when I go to visit dh, beads stocked to make new necklaces, and two beautiful little parakeets (budgies) to brighten an otherwise drab place. Two bookcases will be deliverd this week and I will put out my collector books and special reading. Dh is never far from my mind and knowing that he is comfortable, safe, and adjusting to his new environment makes the pain bearable. It will never go away, but some days it is just a dull ache. And when I go to see him, the light on his face when I walk in stays with me the rest of the day.

Dear farm girl,
I am a farm girl to we are a different breed you know? Tough and Tender to the core but we do survive, and even thrive when we care for yourself like we care for others. You have made a decision that has caused you immense pain. Because it also relieved you of physical duties a little part of you nags was it selfish.
REALLY??? my dear hard worker you have made this decision to keep the one you love safe. If you thought for a second that moving the moon and the stars would do that I bet I would be seeing a different site out my window tonight. On the farm we see things struggle to be born. We watch things fight to eat. We see the little seed sprout and push through the heavy soil to bring more life. Learn from what you know. Know this: you are not alone in your struggles and tonight you will be in my prayers.

I can add no more to what the oothers have said.It will be an adjustment for you .Visiting him is a good idea.For him and your self.Bless both of you

I'm so relieved that things are happening for you and your DH. I can only imagine your sense of loss and pain... Hang in there and keep us updated on how y'all are doing.

Thanks to all of you. Ted is now in the nursing home, basically custodial care as he cannot comprehend enough to do physical therapy. Medicaid application is in progress and all we can do now is keep him comfortable. I have cried buckets, but basically am holding up better than I thought I would. Your kind thoughts have helped tremendously.

(((Hugs))) to you and thanks for setting an example of sensibiity. I know this hurt a lot, but like the others have said, NO ONE, least of all your DH, is helped in anyway if you hurt yourself trying to go past the possible. You have certainly gone to the wall with him, and there will be plenty for you to continue to do.

Group hug, everybody!

(((HUGS))) FG Im so sorry to hear this I know he hasnt been doing so well but this was quick.
Honey not for nothing you did give him excellent care, he stayed out of a NH to this point.
If he didnt have you caring for him he would have ended up there much sooner or not at all.
You did not fail you just needed help is all.
You have been battling your own health issues along the way....somehow I believe our LO's choose their time so that we can get the help WE need.
Sweetie you know in your heart he didnt want you to suffer so think of this as a gift from him, cherish it and take care of yourself now, theres still plenty you are going to need to do for him but now you have a little leftover time to concentrate on your own healing.

I am also so sorry farmgirl about your husband. It must have been so hard for you and I am sure that it still is. You are so strong and smart.

Oh Girl, I feel so bad that you feel so bad!

I hope you can find some small comfort in that you ARE taking the best care of your dear husband that you possibly can, by moving him to a place of safety, and also that this is a step in taking care of yourself. You will have to rearrange a good bit of your life, but the stress of worrying about being unable to care for him alone at home (not that you didn't want to) should now be a thing of your past. You will both be better for the move, as hard as it is to bear being apart.
I send you hugs.

{{{HUGS}}}
So sorry, farmgirl. I know he's been having his troubles for a while, but this is so sudden... I would feel overwhelmed too if I were in your shoes!

Hang in there and please keep us updated on how the two of y'all are doing! I just wonder what caused his sudden decline...