em. am so sorry for you is with you through the painful times ahead. i am not as eloquent as others but i would like to share. it is fine to get the last rites for your mom. my mom actually had them a couple of times in her life . the first time was nearly twenty years ago. many catholics receive the last rites before a routine surgery. i hope you can forgive me for speaking bluntly. none of this is what we want to have to think about but the time comes. my mom was very opposed to cremation until the church accepted it. it took awhile for her to change her way of thinking because it was something she was raised with, but if the church said it was ok, then it was ok. mom was a very practical person, generous to a fault but she did not want a lot of money spent on her after she was gone. she hated that idea. she truely believed that money could be better spent on the living.you could talk to the priest and see if they have a guild or place in the church to hold a memorial service and dinner. my mom volunteered at church putting on dinners for the families after a service. the families pay for the meats and the ladies provide all sides and desserts. she also did not want flowers on her casket, she wanted her favorite quilt she made draped on it. it was beautiful and said much more about her than all the flowers she received. we put special pictures of her life on all the tables and an enlarged one on the entrance table with the guest book, a candle and one rose. that was my mom. sorry, i don't really know how to express myself but i hope you know what i am saying. a side story i want to share. i was recently with my sisters out of town for a long weekend. we were talking in the hotel and my one sister remarked that mom's grave was looking a bit unkempt. she pulled weeds and cleaned it up and took some mums to put there. then she surprised me, she said that she can't feel mom or dad there. my other sister agreed. i thought i was the only one who thought that and never said anything.it was a relief to know i was not alone in my thoughts. we agreed that we feel both mom and dad everywhere we go where we had enjoyed life with them than we do at the cemetary. i guess what i am saying is that no matter what you spend to say goodbye, you never will because they are in you, in your heart and memories. our loved ones will always walk with us. as far as your mom talking with ones who have passed before, it may very well be. before my dad even knew he had cancer he said my grandma and aunt rita had come to him and told him they would see him soon. two weeks later he found out he had cancer and passed away six motnhs later. my mom had told us that dad had come to her and stood by her bed and they talked for two hours. this was right before christmas. she haad pulmonary fibrosis and paessed away in jan. she was not on any medications to distort her mind, nor was my dad.so i guess i believe it is possible. god bless you.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: fat, dumb and happy,

Oh Em, I am so sorry you are going through this. Bunny said what I would say about the money and funeral. I personally am not into wakes and it is for the people who are left and I'm sure your mom would not want you to go into debt for a funeral. Everybody's end stage can be different but what I experienced and what I read it does go fast. I knew my mom wasn't going to make it but for some reason was still shocked when I got the call. Just be good to yourself and rest as much as you can. Your body is going to need it. Be as good to you as you are to your mom. You are in my thoughts and prayers honey.

quote:

Originally posted by embersmom:
and 2) I can hear her saying "No use crying when I'm dead" or something similar.

There you have it, lemme ask you something Em...and Im not trying to push anything dont take it wrong sweetie.
But if mom were sittin next to you say 5-10 years ago knowing what was going to happen with her care and the money involved that has and will be spent, what would she have said or done?
Would she have said Baby girl I want the best you can get and I dont care how much it costs and if it puts you in the poorhouse so be it....
Or
Would she have said do what you think can be afforded never mind WHAT others think?
You quoted what she would have said there Em "No use in crying when Im dead" well thats pretty close to saying it doesnt matter what ever you can do is ok by her. If you are a religious person then you know darn well God doesnt care how you left this earth whether it was in a bronze encased box set in the earth or in a blaze of glory...it makes no never mind to him....its the life you lead in grace simple as that.
I want my mom too Em I know how you feel, she could probably say something pretty profound to you right now that would help you she was always good like that but that cant happen so heres the next best thing baby...
Look in the mirror, she is you, you are her...she taught the young lady staring back at you, she an integral part of who you are today sweetie...listen to her.....the rest will work itself out.
Love and hugs to you Em

Em, still here and still listening. As you speak of mass, I realize I am a bit out of my element. My Mom is Episcopalian, and her church is really great. That is the closest I get to last rites and mass. Dad was(is) Baptist. Mom's parents were back country Methodist.

If you and your Mom are believers in last rites, I do think you need to talk now to her priest. What possible opportunity will she have to sin any more? Please talk to your (her) priest, chaplain, pastor, soon. Seek your spiritual peace of mind.

Oh wow -- let me collect my thoughts here for a moment.

Let's get the practical out of the way. I can probably afford a couple thousand from savings and get a bank loan for the balance. I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around even taking on more debt than I can afford, but that's my issue. If it were me, cremation would be no problem, but this is Mom we're talking about -- you know, from the era where people were buried and which is still the norm around here. Graveside service? No Mass? Service at the funeral home? What would she think if she were cognizant? I'm still pondering.

Last night was the first time I cried in her presence. I try not cry because 1) I don't want her to be upset, and 2) I can hear her saying "No use crying when I'm dead" or something similar. The staff at the NH have been wonderful. They keep me updated, they encourage questions, and they don't disturb you if you want to spend extra time. They do move people in the last stages to another wing so as not to disturb the more "with it" patients on the floor.

They've prescribed a small dose of Roxinol daily with my blessing (Roxinol is a mild form of morphine, btw -- everything else they've tried didn't affect Mom in any way). They've also started the megace again, hoping it'll perk her appetite. So far today, no change. No eating nor drinking. When I called earlier they said she's been sleeping off and on since this morning. She's not moaning in pain, so the Roxinol must be working.

I'm so scared. I WANT MY MOMMY!

Oh baby!
Have you talked with your Mom's caregivers about your feelings? Your gut feelings, not the ones in your heart. I'm not a professional, but this does sound like you should start the pre-payment stuff.
Don't answer these questions here - I'm not trying to be nosy - but how much is in your savings? Do you have an automatic deposit where money just gets put in there, or do you put money into savings when you can? How much interest do your savings draw? Sometimes it's worth it to investigate a loan - the interest rate to pay it back might be less than the interest you're earning; get the loan and make the payments from your savings. This is probably clear as mud, hey?
I just knew that everyone had a "permanent picture" of Don and would always remember him that way, and Don didn't want a big fuss made over him. We had talked this over many years ago and I knew what he wanted and didn't want.
So I didn't involve a funeral home much. I didn't spend a lot of money, but everyone is still talking about how perfect it was. Everyone is still talking about our wedding too, but that's a story for another post!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you and your Mom will be in my prayers, as always.
You might want to stay in closer touch, or stay with Mom a little longer than usual. We all spend a crazy amount of time anticipating the end of life for our loved ones, but it will completely knock you out when it happens. As agonizing as the process is, the end is really really quick. It will be over and THEN you realize it's over.
I will pray for angels to wrap their arms around you all, and hold you in love and warmth.

Hi Em, I am listening sweetie. There is no time line here, but I think that she is preparing to quit the fight. Before my Granpa passed away, he also seemed to meet with the important people from his past for conversations. His hands would move as if to be petting his beloved setter.

I think we do see this sometimes as our loved ones wind up their business in this world and make a connection with the welcoming commitee in the next. It is very, very, hard on us who can only wait. {{{hugs}}}

I don't really know what to say about the expenses. Her case worker may know something about this. Funds available from local civic or church groups that can reduce the bottom line a bit. There are many parts of the rituals that we take for granted, but are in fact optional. You don't have to have a "viewing" or "visitation", at the Funeral Home. You don't have to have a chapel service and procession. People can meet at the cemetary for a simple graveside farewell. So much is about the survivor, not the departed. Focus on her, not the social norm, and it can still be a beautiful farewell.

(((Em)))
Honestly sweetie yes this is what happens at least in the ones I saw it may last for a while though if she is still eating or drinking anything unless she has a health event that shortens this period. The staring into space gets more frequent until you can no longer call them out of it.
The phenomenon of them seeing/talking to their LO's is quite common Im of the belief they are there even my Mom said she saw all her passed on LO's in the hallway the night before and thats good enough for me, trust in that Em.
Whether its real or not it gives them peace for the next step...letting go.
But whats most important to me, You.
I know you are trying to hang on and keep it together but let it go Em otherwise it will creep up on you at the most inopportune times. I did this myself when my mom passed half the time I couldnt go anywhere without crying at something as simple as a question being asked or the route I took to the hospital to get to my mom its hard to repress these kinds of emotions without exploding into another part of life that doesnt require emotion.
For funeral expenses there are payment plans and the least expensive is cremation have you thought on that Em?
Hang in there Em we are here for you, your in my thoughts always....

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but I'd like to hear what you went though -- if you don't mind, that is.

I am actually still in the process of going through what you describe. My mother's decline is more evident every day. But whether she will be with us at the end of this year or for five more years is impossible to know.

I've yet to prepay for any funeral arrangements, but it is on my list of things to begin doing very soon. I was able, however, to find a couple of insurance policies which will pay fairly well if she will live for a couple more years. Even in the event that she doesn't, one will repay my premiums and the larger will pay 125% of the premiums I've paid (better than a savings account!).

One of the policies is with AARP (she must be a member, but the membership is only about $14/year) and the other one is with Colonial Penn (they advertise on TV all of the time). Both have very resonable rates and between the two policies, she is now insured for $25,000, which will prove to be a huge help.

There probably are other companies who will insure the elderly with no questions asked, but I didn't look any further.

My best to you! I know these are very tough times!