Mom no longer can walk. They tell me her spinal stenosis is so bad that she cannot sit in her wheelchair for more than a few minutes. So now she's in bed except for mealtime.

She's refusing all meds. She's also refusing to eat/drink anything except for milk. They hide the meds in ice cream (the only food she'd eat with any type of gusto), so now she no longer wants ice cream of any kind. If she's given Ensure, she spits it out. Ditto Boost or any type of other supplement.

Mom stares into space a lot. She has conversations with long-ago office associates and her parents, the latter usually having something to do with the restaurant they owned. If I keep calling "Mama", she'll eventually shake herself out of it and tell me she loves me. Then she drifts back to her friends up there in the corner of the room.

I made arrangements to pre-pay her funeral, but I have yet to even make the initial payment because it's a pretty big chunk and I can't bring myself to start draining my savings. Mom had no pension, didn't believe in life insurance, had no plans, even though I'd badger her before the ALZ. In my area the simplest funeral costs around 9K. My salary is modest and goes to the bills. Hubby's salary fluctuates. If I spend 9K on her funeral, then how do I pay the property tax for the next couple of years?

Last night I rubbed Mom's hands with vanilla-scented lotion. No response. I told her I loved her. Nothing. When I kissed her goodbye, she thanked me, but said nothing else.

Part of me wants to sit here and cry while the more realistic part of me wants to know if Mom's definitely approaching the end of her life, and what's happening is the general course of events. I want to say yes to all this, but I'd like to hear what you went though -- if you don't mind, that is.

quote:

Originally posted by Poeteileen:
Mariabee
I saw your post about insurance and I woulnd if you can get insurance without telling the insuree?
poeteileen

In my mother's case, she was used to me handling all of her finances, and was still able to sign her name. I just brought the apps to her and asked her to sign on the line. She asked me why and I told her it was something that "the insurance company" needed for her to do. That was all the explaination she needed and was happy to comply.

On my first go-round I tried signing for her as her DPOA. That did not fly with that particular company so I didn't try that again.

Good luck

If you are interested in buy insurance for someone besides your self call an insurance company.They will give you all the information you need.
I have paid insurance for my children so they have money for burial or retirement.As long as you have all the required information I would not see a problem.Check and find out.Never hurts to know.

Mariabee
I saw your post about insurance and I woulnd if you can get insurance without telling the insuree?
poeteileen

In case anyone is unsure, Catholics are absolutely allowed to be cremated.

There are, however, some guidelines that the Catholic church has in place. I've read that these guidelines are encouraged to help avoid idolatry and allow the loved ones to move on. Some of them include:
-The ashes are to be interned or buried and not kept in people's homes or bedrooms.
-The ashes are to be kept all together; we are not supposed to remove any of the ashes to be buried separately.
-We should not seal any ashes in jewellery that can we worn my loved ones.

Now how closely these guidelines are followed may depend on your funeral director or priest. When my Opa died, Oma told the director that she wanted to bury the urn in the grave with my biological grandfather, but she wanted a small amount of ashes to bury at the cottage. The funeral director, even though he knew we are Catholic, offered to take the ashes out for her since the urn can be extremely difficult to open. Nobody has ever given us a hard time about this.

If it's an inurnment instead of a burial, and you don't plan a viewing of the body prior to the service, you save a whole lot of money.

For one thing, you don't need to buy an expensive coffin. For another, there isn't the same requirement and expense for preparing the body. Also, there isn't the need for a hearse and driver to transport your loved one to the cemetery for the graveside.

For most people, having a limo is a good thing for the immediate family, and probably worth the investment if only for safety while you are so emotional. The loved one's urn can just ride in your lap. (Mother lovingly cradled my stepfathers urn in her arms for the ride to the National Cemetery. It brings tears to my eyes to remember the scene. It was profoundly sad and beautiful at the same time.)

I visit the national cemetery once a year on memorial day to put flowers on my dad's and stepdad's graves. I've seen them dig the holes for the urns that are buried instead of placed in the wall niches. They literally use a manual posthole digger and it takes maybe ten minutes. It's about a foot diameter and perhaps two feet deep. I do remember that for my grandparents, whose urns were buried, we had to pay a little extra to get a special type of urn that's waterproof for burial. Some state law up there, although heaven knows why. People scatter ashes all the time.

quote:

It's a private cemetery as opposed to one owned by a municipality. The cost of opening/closing is around 3K

HOLY CR*P!

quote:

Originally posted by T.O.R.P.:
If cremation is acceptable to mom's religious beliefs, this is a less expensive option.

Several members of our family chose this. We held a memorial service for each of them which was in every way a funeral except that no body was present. This was followed by an informal meal and gathering at home. Later, when we received the ashes, we held a private graveside at the cemetery. It was much less expensive to have the grave opened and bury the urn. (In fact, in the case of my grandparents who were buried at an old cemetery in a very small town out of state, the option to dig our own hole was available.)

I've been toying with this idea too. Maybe having the main service at the funeral home like we did with my uncle, then having the graveside service. My uncle wasn't Catholic, so he couldn't be buried from the church.

I'd have to ask the funeral director though. He has an "all inclusive" deal where one set price -- what he quoted me -- includes everything, including the notices for the newspaper. Cremation was never mentioned, although he did have a display of urns and such. He probably figured right off Catholicism was involved because everybody and his brother here is Catholic.

Hm.

quote:

Originally posted by Bunnys_grl:
Em I recall the opening of the gravesite for my mom in 2003 was $100 my FIL's niche is also that much for opening and closing (can you imagine charging $100 bucks for unscrewing 4 bolts?! ) but for your area the prices may be different you can ask at the cemetery's front office they can give you the price list there.

It's a private cemetery as opposed to one owned by a municipality. The cost of opening/closing is around 3K

Em I recall the opening of the gravesite for my mom in 2003 was $100 my FIL's niche is also that much for opening and closing (can you imagine charging $100 bucks for unscrewing 4 bolts?! ) but for your area the prices may be different you can ask at the cemetery's front office they can give you the price list there.

If cremation is acceptable to mom's religious beliefs, this is a less expensive option.

Several members of our family chose this. We held a memorial service for each of them which was in every way a funeral except that no body was present. This was followed by an informal meal and gathering at home. Later, when we received the ashes, we held a private graveside at the cemetery. It was much less expensive to have the grave opened and bury the urn. (In fact, in the case of my grandparents who were buried at an old cemetery in a very small town out of state, the option to dig our own hole was available.)

It was beautiful and intimate to be at those gravesides with only those who really loved them. The memorial seemed to be more an expression of others support and love for US, and the graveside services were more our love for our loved one and a sort of commissioning them into God's hands.

Of course, in each case the way we did things was the expressed wishes of our loved one. My MIL, for example, would NOT like this. A big formal funeral with viewing and lots of flowers is what she expects, and has already planned and prepaid before dementia overtook her. So that's what we'll do for her.

Em, This is probably not the right place but where else? In a cemetary, especially an old one, Markers or stones may have to be moved and then reset, The equipment brought in, in a way so as not to disturb other sites, Opening the ground, retreating out of sight. standing by, waiting until all are gone, then closing. Agreed, It is exorbitant. Tenting, chairs, carpet??

There is a family plot in an historic cemetery. There is room for a full casket for my Mom next to my Dad. Very little room for other full caskets. None named for me and H. I know where my Mom will be laid to rest. I think H and me will be thrown to the wind. There is nothing historic about us.

Em, baby, ask your/her priest now. However she was raised would be your guideline. Your/her priest is the one to tell you when last rites would be called for. I have had good friends that were Catholic and/ or Episcopalian. They convinced me that this was truely important for them. I would (will) fight for them to have it.Check with her priest, get guidance here. everything after is AFTER.

I will not have the same funeral director for hubby as I had for the others.The one the rest of the family used is much cheaper.He is also willing to go out of his way to be of assistance.The minister at the church had suggested I have the viewing and service at the church.You give a donation for such.
\My friend has decided not to have service at the funeral home.She wants only a few and want a gravesite service.She just put it in writing and is having it notorized.She made it known and wants nothing more.

quote:

Originally posted by mae:
Emberson, I just recalled a converstaion I had with a worker at hospice.She informed me they have a fund set up for those who cannot afford funeral expenses.I recall being surprised.She told me this to inform me, incase I was not financially able to bury my mother.Mother has life insurance that took care of everything but the tombstone.

Mom's not quite ready for hospice, according to the doc. If she continues this way, then yes, she will be at some point. When is another story. But yeah, hearing something like that would surprise me too.

*sigh*

BG had an idea about contacting the NH's social services. Now all I have to do is wait for the weekend to be over.

There's already a plot and a stone. The opening/closing of the grave is probably just as expensive as the casket. That blows my mind -- how expensive can digging a hole be?

Emberson, I just recalled a converstaion I had with a worker at hospice.She informed me they have a fund set up for those who cannot afford funeral expenses.I recall being surprised.She told me this to inform me, incase I was not financially able to bury my mother.Mother has life insurance that took care of everything but the tombstone.

Em have you spoken to anyone at the NH like Social Services maybe they can direct you to some help in your area? Just a thought.

Last rites...I haven't thought about that yet. I visited Mom yesterday. She makes this low, gutteral humming sound, although it's not at loud as it was before all this happened. She said very little. It was though I wasn't there.

She was in her wheelchair asleep when I first saw her. I asked one of the nurses about it, thinking it was an effect of the Roxinol. She said yes, the sleepiness persists for the first few days, but then the it's adjusted so the patient can be awake and alert but not in pain.

There was a social hour going on down in the community room, so I wheeled Mom down there. We lasted about 5 minutes. I then took her on our usual tour of the NH -- out to the patio, around the chapel, up and down the first floor hallway. She never opened her eyes.

When I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her, no response.

Funeral stuff -- the first thing I asked when I went in for the pre-pay interview was that Mom is on Medicaid; Medicaid allows 2K for funeral/burial expenses, I have little money, can you help me? They respectfully almost fell off their chairs, then explained that the 2K would in no way pay for anything except perhaps a plot, which Mom already has. I was told this by two other funeral directors, not including the one I saw about the pre-payment.

Donations? I haven't asked at the church yet. She's not qualified for town help because the plot's in another town where we aren't residents. She's not a murder victim, so she doesn't qualify for state help.

Good thing she already has a plot or else she'd be in Potter's Field without as much as a headstone

When funds are not there for the funeral , many times the grave site will donate a plot and the funeral director his time and services.She should qualify for 250.00 from SS as she has no funds to bury.Contact a funeral director and share your plight.
I say this because my daughter lost her baby at birth.Neither her nor hubby were working and had no funds.The stAgnes church donated a plot and the vuneral director a casket.Check , there maybe a way

The priest ususally is available to come to the persons bedside to give the last rights.This is something you choose the time.

Yes, death/funeral/burial/memorial customs and rituals are for the living. I do believe one should try to abide by the wishes of your loved one and the tenants of any religion you are faithful to. Don did not follow any particular religion, and he didn't want a big fuss made "over his dead body". As I said, everyone had at least one favorite memory of him, and that's the way he will be remembered.
So, I asked the funeral home for an immediate cremation. I found an urn that suited his life and a few weeks later had an open house, where I served some of his favorite foods.
It was then that I gave away some of his possessions, and everyone got a CD I had made with some of his favorite songs and some songs that reminded me of him. The best part is that everyone left with a smile on their face, and my house was filled more with laughter than tears. The next day, his daughter had a short memorial service for him at her church. Not what Don wanted, but as I said, these things help the living, and I was happy to attend.
Em, there are many ways to celebrate your Mom's life the way it should be celebrated and honored. You will find the right way and it will be perfect.