Never posted in this section. Never even thought about posting here. It's described "As caregivers, we must come to terms with dying and death. End-of-life issues are painful, but the knowledge and wisdom of fellow caregivers can help ease the pain." I've always thought this is for someday in the very far and distant future, not now. I've spent a lot of time thinking how cruel the cards were that my father was dealt in having to live in his condition and how it would have been kinder had he not pulled through when he first got sick. And this past 1 and 1/2 years have been very difficult for me taking care of him, constantly wishing it would end. What a selfish, dispicable wish. He made enough peace with himself to find comfort and safety in his bed, in his home. If he had come to terms with this, why couldn't I support this? And now, as he has hardly any strength left, I'm finding myself holding on to him like my child who I need to protect from harm, as he lays in this ugly hospital bed with oxygen and iv's and he doesn't move but barely. I don't want to let him go, I don't want to prepare to let him go and I feel as if it's in my face now. My father has always been everything positive. He made the best friend a person could expect and expected very little in return. I'm not writing his eulogy here but I'm flooded with all the things he was....all of a sudden. I am not ready to have him be gone from my life for the rest of my life. I just cannot imagine this. The nurses told me this evening that if and when he begins to decline, I will be given a list of hospice facilities. I was surprised. He's supposed to be rehabilitated, not decline. I think even posting in this section is more of a test....I'm testing my feelings, almost like "make believe" as if I'm testing the water to see if I could face this. I can't.

quote:

Originally posted by gypsy:
Sorry, I was trying to help, but think I just made things worse. Gypsy

Impossible for you to make things worse Gypsy. Just by YOU reaching out is comforting and heartwarming, truly.

Nah, not EVEN, Gypsy! I lost my dad 41 years ago... and like you said, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and miss him... so I pretty much know that losing mom is gonna suck to the max... Hopefully, when it happens, they will be able to comfort and send energy to help buoy me...

Oh Sandy and MB big hugs and prayers to you. The only thing I can tell you is you never totally loose them. My Dad passed away over 35 years ago and there aren't many days go by that something doesn't make me think of him. Over the years the memories have become mostly the good ones-the good times, the love and sense of humour(there were some awful times the last few weeks but I can usually keep them at bay. Mom is much fresher as it is not yet 6 years I wish I had had more time with her the last few years but Mike had his stroke a few years earlier so travelling to visit her wasn't as easy. Keep making those happy, fun memories. I know that one of these days I will be the one writing about a passing-I don't think I can handle it, I don't know what I will do Mom and Dad left a huge hole, But I think I am the one with DE NILE when it comes to a partner of 30+ years. Sorry, I was trying to help, but think I just made things worse. Gypsy

Despite knowing it's gonna happen, I too find myself pretty unprepared to say goodbye to Mom. I do sense our days becoming short... all I know to do is treasure her as much as possible and revel in who she was in her life... When the end comes, I think that it's gonna leave a pretty huge hole in my heart and lump in my throat for a long, long time...

At least we are TRYING not to sail down De Nile, Sandy, but, like you, I am not liking these waters much...