As I write this, my mother (81) who I have been caring for one way or another for the past 36 years is on morphine in the ICU.

She was clear headed (well, up until Tuesday anyway), hated living in a nursing home (for the past year) and was frustrated knowing her body was failing her. I will say this now. My mother was not a happy woman. Never was. She never accepted the hand life dealt her (my dad died in 1961- she had a kid to raise and a high school education in an age when women stayed at home and were glad of it.) When I was old enough for school, she went to work. She started out as a sales woman and when she was in her 50's' started a new career as a portrait photographer. In her 70's she was still taking college courses. She taught me independence and to always look good when I left the house in the morning- especially my hair. It was, after all, my "crowning glory".

I went to visit her last Saturday. Who knew this would be our last visit? I tweezed her whiskers. I watered her plants. We talked Broadway theater (her beloved "A Chorus Line" had just re-opened) It was my 50th birthday and yes, she did remember to wish me a happy one.

She complained about the nursing home. I complained to an administrator (again). Monday the social worker called and we worked out a game plan. Tuesday the doctor called and said my mom was going to the hospital. She had a UTI and was dehydrated. She has had UTI's before, so I was not too concerned. But she was not awake when I got to the ER and I was told the infection had spread- to her lungs, heart, kidneys. One by one the switches were flipping off. I was her health care proxy. She had a DNR. I was relieved. I could not see prolonging this with futile CPR attempts that did nothing but break bones or useless kidney dialysis. My mom would have hated being a vegetable. FYI-- CPR has a much higher rate of success on TV doctor dramas than in real life.

So I am home now awaiting THE phone call. I've said my good-byes several times. I can't look at her anymore. I can't look at the tubes and hanging bags and machines that beep and sound like horns on a clown-car. In a dry-eyed moment I managed a few phone calls funeral homes to get prices (man, what a racket!) and wrote an obit for the local newspapers. I am prepared, but not really.

When my mom went to live in a nursing home I began to see how much a load I had been carrying around all these years, how heavy it was now that is was being lifted. Now the load is almost all gone. My mom was never happy and I realized then I was not responsible to make her happy. Reasonably content was the best I could hope for and yes, once in awhile, I did see some sunshine.

There is no spirit world. When she;s gone, she's gone. But I have her photographs, her books, her stories. I will tell her stories. This is how I will keep her alive. By carrying on my life as she raised me. And to always make sure my hair looks good when I leave the house.

(((((Hugs)))) wordwench
Im sorry MB they wont do that everything must shut down first before they pull the plug I went through this with my own mom in 03 same thing....the only thing different there I know she expired on the table and could tell when I raised her lids she was already jaundiced so kidneys failed... the minute the heart stops the beating is the moment they confer with you as to what is to be done no matter the DPOA you have on file. It is a matter of ethics here and nothing can be done. Its to save their hides in the long run if there is a lawsuit.....

If you have her DPOA and she has a living will that clearly states her wishes, take that to the administrator's office and tell them if they do not cease and desist ALL life-sustaining activity that you will sue them into the stone age. SURE, they will try to stonewall you, but THIS is exactly what a living will is for!! If she asked NOT to have a ventilator hooked up, it should not be there regardless of the hospital's committee... How incredibly cruel to her and you for them to go against her wishes!

Hang in there, love! This has GOT to be so draining for you! I'll be hoping for a swift, peaceful resolution for y'all today. {{{HUGS}}}

Update- thanks Moms B and all who have posted here.

Monday and things are the same. As I posted earlier, moms is in the ICU on comfort care meds as most of her organs have slowed to a crawl or stopped all together. Her heart and her mind (always her strengths) occasionally fire off small signals, but less and less. I've been told it could be 'any time now' since last Thursday night, even with her hooked up to a breathing machine.

Apparently an I-have-it-in-writing health care proxy (me) doesn't mean diddly when it comes to removing a breathing tube. The ICU doctors (and I must say, with mom having been in and out of hospitals 8 times in 1 year, I have some experience with ER's and hospitals- this has been one of the gentler experiences) these doctors, sympathetic (and young!) as they are, have their hands tied by law- they now have to confer with an "ethics committee" in the hospital before they can remove the tube and allow my mother to die naturally. If she can't sit up and ask for a chicken salad sandwich and a cup of tea, then I am ready to let her go.

Hell, the woman would spend money on taxis 'cause she didn't want to be dependent on friends or family driving her around. Imagine how she'd feel about a breathing tube!

I've taken some time off from work (and I don't even like this job!) and am home keeping busy, working on career plans. I am a cartoonist and I know she would be pleased that I am drawing.

I will try and keep you posted on further developments.
thanks again, all

Wordwench.

Wordwench, you still there? How are things goin' for you? You've been close to my thoughts these past days... When you can, please give us an update on your and yours...

Wordwench, My prayers are with you and your mom on this hard journey.

Dear wordwench:

You and your mother are in my thoughts. Hoping you're surrounded by close friends and family with big arms.

Love,
Sandy

(((Wordwench))) I'll ditto who MB said too.Thinking of you at this difficult time.Gypsy

Ditto what MB said Wordwench (((Hugs)))

Ahhhhh, {{{Wordwench}}} .... I'm sorry. Despite all the "right" things, the reasons, the preparations, etc., when it's time to say goodbye, the best one can hope for sometimes is bittersweet.

Wish we could be there to bring you coffee and wait with you... know that we're there in our hearts. I wish peace for you and your mom. Many blessings to you and her - please keep us updated.