I hate to be a whiny butt, I have things that I witnessed during my fil's illness and death, that are stuck in my minds eye. I wish they would go away, leave me be, so I could get a good nights rest, some good sleep.

I know from talking to the CG that he was suffering beyond words. Part's of this I did not witness, I was there every day, after he entered the hospital and was on life support, and when we brought him home, I was with him, along with my h and the rest of the family. Most of them had walked out of the room at precisely the right moment.His passing was not an easy one, it took forever, and he fought for every last breathe, even with hospice there. I can't get the sight and sounds out of my mind.

I am considering speakng to the bereavement coordingator, and taking my son who is having a tough tough time.

I know there are others with far worst circumstances, and I feel for them.

These are the leftovers that are sticking with me and I don't know how to make them leave me alone.

I can't get caught up on my rest and I am becoming snippy.

Why won't it go away?

BWB...ahhhh honey I know how hard this is for you. Even though I had left before my mom died two weeks ago I still picture her just in bed laying there, a shell, not even able to take a sip of water. Her eyes just looking up at the ceiling like the angels were there for her. No sound, no moan when moved. She was preparing to go and I have that image of her. Time travel back tomorrow 9 years when I held my husband's hand as he passed from cancer. That image was in my head for a long time. I can tell you honey that with the passing of time I was able to "see" that image less and be able to focus on the healthy memories of him. Honestly this time of year it is a mixture of both this year with my mom two weeks before it's harder to suppress, especially for my son. I already turned my calender to May as I don't want to look at April one more minute at least home, here in my bedroom. I'm looking onto the future and the journey that it will be right now as much as I can. Even Dan wanting to put a gaming/excercise room downstairs, even if only temporary is what he's doing. We each handle grief in our own way and I can tell you from loosing both my parents and husband and grandparents, one who we were very close, each is different and unique. Hang in there BWB and here's a big hug for you.

Although these memories do fade, they never leave-at least mine haven't. Just reading these posts brings back the memories of May, 1971 when my Dad passed. I can close my eyes right now and see him. Most of the time it is other happier memories of him that are in my mind so I think I'll try to push this one back again. Gypsy

Mae, contact with a lifeless body. One moment live , the next, not live.
I have held the hand of a person while death (passage) happened. Some others who are here have done so, some will do so. Maybe some won't be able to be there however much they want to. There is not a lot I can say about the experience. Maybe you are there ?

Blue Water Beach, The one thing that stays with me is the sight of my mother the day of her passing.The mere shock of her frail and lifeless body.The neglect of the previous 3 months was written all over her body.
I see this picture over andover.Not as much as in the beginning.But I know It is a sight that will always be embeded in my mine.
I do believe the last days of a persons life is the most tramatic.When we see and hear the suffering it is like we take a picture.It takes time.If you feel talking to a professional will help, do it.

Thats right, just relaxing, and soaking up the sun....maybe a sore butt or two from being on the backside of a horse !

It's all good!!!!

We will both be phatt winners in Costa Rica. I have lost a few pounds over the past few years, but am still more than 50 lbs over weight. Some one else will bundle up and go to Alaska . I understand there are whales off Costa Rica, so what are we gonna miss?

OK BC, now you are EEEASYYYYYYYYY!!!

I win, I win , I win , !!

WE BOTH WIN, WE BOTH WIN, WE BOTH WIN!!!! YAYYY!!

Ok now, Costa Rica.....are phatt women allowed on the beach???? hahahhaha!!!

I will ride horses with ya, though I don't do good on them and they know I am a fraidy cat!

My h and sons ride every week, they are all great on horses, can ride with the wind. My grandsons are naturals too! But honey, they smell me comin' and know I am better at lovin' them on the other side of the fence!!! hahaha

You have made me laugh, I needed that today!!!

OK, inthe middle of winter, let's have our contest in Cost Rica. A friend went there a year ago and sent me lots of pictures. A gorgeous Place with blue water and horses to ride(THough I haven't ridden in years and would probably get sore as all get out.) You can win. I can be a loser in Costa Rica.

BC! I am touched! Thanks for the kind words!

I am not usually a whiney-butt!!! Though, I can be coerced into a good game of LETS WIN A CRUISE!!!!

Only thing is BC, I can't do the cold weather, though I hear Alaska is beautiful beyond words...I gotta have my blue water!!!!!!! The warm blue water!!!!

BWB, why don't you and me have a Whiney Butt competition. You got plenty of cause to whine. I've got some. and will have more. Of course it will have to be on a marvelous beach, or maybe an Alaskan cruise. Yeah, that's it. Cruising the coast of Alaska, I challange you to a Whiney Butt contest. The winner is the loser, but we both get a great cruise.
You do have some idea how much I admire you I hope. I truely respect all you have been through lately.

To everyone who has posted to me, I do try to live on the positive side! It just makes the days go by easier, and why dwell on the past? There is nothing we can do to change it, just gotta keep on going with our heads held high and our shoulders back!!!

I know these memories will wane one day. Right now, I am finally understanding why my husband is running in high gear.... he is making new memories, and is not going to let anything stand in his way!!!!

After about a year, the loss of a loved one takes its proper perspective in your life. It does not go entirely away, but it does not dominate all your time either. You have to have new experiences, form new memories that will eventually help these sad memories fade away. Part of it may be your own personal view of death, you might talk to the counselor about that. But these things take time. Make new memories, you're just going thru a normal life change.

BWB, traumatic images are a normal memory of what actually occurred. To press them away completely is not an accurate representation of the situation. Because some of these images are so upsetting to us, we had to kinda "shelve" them to be able to take care of the situation. Now that it's all over, the horror returns that you never got a good chance to express and work through at the time. It'll pass naturally so long as you don't get "stuck" on it. Remembering the totality of a life and the good times is more important than holding on to the unpleasant bad times. As you work through all these emotions, you'll prioritize what you WANT to keep to the forefront of your memory and what you prefer to allow to slip away. Sometimes, you can consciously turn your thoughts from focusing on the relatively short, unpleasant period of the relationship and reforuc on other things... but first, ya gotta just go through it. Let it wash over you and hopefully, the bad stuff'll mostly head back out to sea.

It does help to talk through things with others who have experienced these dsame phenomena and feelings - keeps you from feeling quite so much like the lone ranger, ya know?

Hang in there, sweetie and take it easy on yourself. Let the bad stuff go and breathe in the good stuff that your life offers.

Blue! Strange (twilight zone music inserted here) I was talkin to my cousin over in Hawaii about this very thing yesterday How images would pop in my (exact words) "minds eye" of my mom after I watched her expire...Sweetheart they eventually fade it took me about a year and while counseling may work for some although I cannot see how since it is an image in our memory banks you need to think as well as believe in your heart it was for the best and he is at peace now if your attaching the act of fighting the process to this memory dont. it is something patients do in the end there are the lucky few that just pass quietly like my Gran..she was talking on the phone said goodbye to the person, my uncle took the phone to hang it up and poof she was gone. not one noise, no movements, spasms, nothing... just peace.
When they come about switch gears occupy yourself till the images fade it only takes a minute to pass.
This is part of the grieving process...

Thank you DW! The beareavement couselor called last week and I told her everything was moving along as expected.

I am think I am going to call her and make an apt., I have had therapy before, and I knowt that even one session, will probably be all I need to make this passage.

I don't know if my son will go along, but all I can do is try, and pray!

BWB, that was a traumatic, dramatic event, and you witnessed it. All of us have those pictures that won't go away, especially when we close our eyes. A grief support group, or a one on one (one on two?) with a bereavement counselor - check back with hospice - will be good for you and your son. The memories will fade, I promise. Give yourselves time.
If you see that everytime you close your eyes, try to carry the scene a little further. Imagine (yeah, I know - me and my angels!) an
angel reaching down to gather your father-in-law in it's arms and wrapping wings around everyone in the room. keeping them warm and safe. You'll get through - we'll help.