My mom has been real sick with heart failure and the doctor just found two lesions on her brain. She has been in the hospital now for over a month and the doctor(a compassionate guy) has said there is nothing left he can do and we now have to bring her home for her remaining days. I have been trying to explain to my wife and sisters that I can't imagine life without her. I am petrified to think of how I am going to handle this. I have been caring for her fairly regularly by going to her home early every morning and changing her dressings for her foot ulcers, her garbage, mail, etc. I survived my father's passing ten years ago and never thought I would. This, however seems impossible to face. I need help, I have a beautiful 11 month old son, a wife and a great career but I am so afraid of losing mom. My wife says I should see a therapist. I agreed(sort of). I need to know how bad is this going to get. I am trying hard not to crack in front of my mother because I don't want her to worry. She told me I have been a beautiful son, but i need to stop focusing on my fears. I need to find a way to focus on her remaining days and not be so afraid of life without her. I am petrified of what is to come. If anyone has any insight, please let me know. Thanks.

I too lost my hubby in Jan.We deal with the pain in away that fits us as individuals.
Just know we have felt all those deep feelings yyou are experienceing.To have loved is to have dealt with pain.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in January and it's been a rough few months. I will say to you that the pain is not as intense as time goes on though I can't imagine not missing her every day of my life. Peace to you.

Mac, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's passing. It is hard to watch our loved ones die. I'm sure she did not suffer at the end. That is normal so don't think for a second that she was in pain or suffering. I know how bad this hurts. All of us grief differently so just be kind to yourself for the next few months. HUGS.

Mac my deepest and most heartfelt sympathy goes out to you and your family....
And also let me assure you your dear mom did not suffer at her time of passing what you witnessed was "agonal respirations" its a phenomenon that occurs @ TOD She did not suffer and was not struggling.
Watching this is the toughest thing you can do the image can stay with you for a while but it does lessen in frequency.
My own Mom passed in 03 and I can tell you every once in a while it creeps back....Occupy yourself shake it off redirect yourself to something else....
Remember Mac your mom would not want you to question any of this, you did exactly what she wanted up to the bittersweet end.
She needs to soar now and you need to go on with the business of living, you did right by your mom I doubt she would want anything less from the very best part of her.... What an incredible man she raised.....

macjr, please accept my condolences. She will never be in pain again.

My heart goes out to you, Mac, but is joyous for your mom's release. Beextra gentle and good to yourself during this time and in the months to come. It takes some time to get used to the loss of a parent. {{{HUGS}}}

Lighting a candle for you and yours...
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=ECO

Although the loss is painful, I am glad that many, many friends and family were there to pay their respect to your dear mother.
There is no greater tribute or comfort than to know your loved one touched so many lives and will somehow live on in their memories as well.

I am so sorry for your loss, Mac.

One thing that has helped me to keep my loved ones a part of our family after they passed was to choose certain traditions that I associated with them, continue these traditions, and talk to my children about them.

For example, my beloved "little grandmother" had a couple of pie recipes that we associated with her, and that she always brought to family gatherings. So, each time we get together as an extended family, I bake her pies using her pie pans, rolling pin, pastry cutter and recipe.
And we always reminisce about her while eating the pies; she's still with us every single holiday in a real, tangible way.

Well, I will tell you what the last couple of days have been like. Mom died at 10pm last Thursday and we buried her today next to my father. Her last few hours were extremely difficult to watch. It seemed as though she struggled for each breath and fought til the last minute, I hope I am able to erase that picture of her out of my memory. The doctor assured us that she was under "comfort care" and she was not suffering, I hope that is true because it will kill me if I thought she was feeling any of it. Today was a beautiful sunny day and the priest gave a fabulous sermon. The turnout at her calling hours was fantastic, over 350 people came. I have to admit, the words and conversations I had at her calling hours made me feel that it wasn't only me who knew what a wonderful woman she was. She was one without enemies, everyone loved her and everyone loved and remembered her laugh. My wife had my baby boy with her for the entire two days of the services and it made it seem only fitting to have my boy and her other five grandchildren there the entire time. We held a luncheon after the funeral for her and I really think she would be proud of how much people were affected by knowing her. I am very proud of being her son. I am fortunate in more ways than most and it is all because of her and my father. I am home now, it is all quiet and now it is getting hard. I miss her and love her. I am so very proud of her and all she means to me. I want to figure out how to grieve for her, and continue to keep her close. I told my sister the morning after she died that I need to figure out a way to keep her in my life. This is very difficult and it has been a long haul seeing her through her illness and her death.

Hey Mac - first, I think I would have REAMED the staff for THEIR insensitivity! There aren't too many folks who don't know what the word "hospice" and "morphine" mean!! Best to wait for the patient to ask rather than blunder in like a bull in a china shop!

As far as your mom, she may need help in articulating her feelings. If she's scared to choke on her pills... tell her that she can take her pills because you are gonna be right there to help her in case she chokes. Let her know that she can relax - you are gonna be right there with her when she needs.

It is a profound and troubling thing to experience the role reversal. The woman who sheltered you and comforted you, who was YOUR rock and strength now is in need of you. You may feel unworthy and have no confidence, but this is where you put what she taught you into play. Tell her that you know she's worried and you are gonna be right there to take her worries off her back, that she can lean on you. Look into her eyes and face even when she won't look at you! Smile at her, kiss and hug her, hold her hand and let her know in every way that she is NOT alone, that her son is watching over her and she is safe with you.

Sometimes it's hard to do stuff like that without cracking, but it's important - not only to her to hear the words, but for you to say them. She NEEDS to see that YOU are all grown up and she can leave you knowing that you'll be all right - after all, SHE was the one who raised you, right? So you learned and you're never gonna forget. Spoil her immensely! When you can't handle it any more, excuse yourself, go have a good sob, blow your nose and get back on duty. Don't waste any time or put anything off! Being there can be sitting quietly, reading to her, bringing her some lovely music or flowers or a bit of chocolate. ANYTHING she wants. There is a satisfaction in giving little gifts like that to someone you love that will help sustain you and comfort you so that you feel less helpless and express your love.

When mom tells you she is afraid to sleep because she thinks she will die, tell her that sure, one day, she WILL die, but you don't think it's gonna be now and that you will sit with her to watch over her. It's fine to ask her if she would like to have a visit from her clergyman, have communion, etc. It's fine to say prayers with her.

Rather than asking questions, it helps to talk and make statements:
"Mom, you seem a little quiet today. Here's your pill and I'm gonna help you take it so you won't have to worry."
"You look tired Mom, I'm just gonna sit here and pat your hand so you can take a catnap."
"Your lips are a little dry and chapped, Mom. Turn your head toward me so I can put some of this lip stuff on so they will feel better. Let's take a sip of water so your mouth won't feel so dry."
"Mom, you've got bedhead. Let's sit you up a little so we can brush your hair. Wow! You're STILL a knockout!"
"You're breathing hard, Mom. Let's get you a little of this morphine GOOD MEDICINE so you will breathe easier. Better now, huh?"

Stuff like that - statements. Sooner or later, she WILL have things she wants to say to you and it's important to let her choose her own time and way. Sure she's scared - it's easy to have faith when it's not being tested! What she seems to be forgetting, you can help to remind her.
"Mom, no matter what happens, the Lord will be at your side just like he has always been to take care of you and eventually get you back to Dad where you can BOTH watch over the rest of us!"

"Mom, I know you don't feel much like reading, so I brought your Bible and found this passage you always loved to read..." Then read it to her.

Your mom may die quickly or she may be alive for some time, so REMEMBER on top of EVERYTHING to be GOOD to YOURSELF!! BREATHE DEEPLY!! Blow out the bad and draw in the good! Spoil yourself a little - this is a tough time for you. You will need to be strong for mom and still be there for yourself. Let others do for you a little - they want to help and know that you need. When others think you've had enough for one day, let them lead you away by the hand for a little rest and renewal. You can be strong and still need all at the same time.

Hang in there! Update us when you can and whenever and as often as you need! We don't care if you write volumes or only a few words - do what YOU need and we'll be around to help however we can.

I hope it's okay - I have lit a candle for your mom and you in the ECO spot at the Gratefullness site...
http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/2026095151/m/6231060625
Just to let you know that we're thinking of you and yours and sending energy.

quote:

My mother was one of the most spiritual, faithful person I ever met. I am wondering why she seems to have forgotten her faith and seems more a victim of her fear. I tried reminding her of her faith, she nodded yes but that was it.

Dear Mac, every fiber of my heart aches for you. I lost my mother in January and so much of what you relate brings back all of the emotion and the feelings of helplessness.

My mom was also a giant in her faith. It was difficult to see that faith seem to evaporate near the end. But I knew it wasn't really gone. Just as she taught you to pray and knelt beside you at bedtime for your evening prayers you can be with her in the same way.

We are Catholic, so this may sound foreign to you...but I believe the principals apply to all people of faith.

Once, a friend who was quite advanced in age, advised me, "Always pray. There may come a time when you are old, or too feeble, and you will want to pray but will no longer be able to do so."
At the time, although it seemed like sage advice, I had a very difficult time imagining that far-off possibility.

The night before my mother died I sat up with her. I knelt by her bed and I held her in my arms. I wispered many sweet, tender, loving things to her. I reminded her of how special she was and how God loved her and was proud of her. She couldn't respond but it was all I could do to comfort her.

Then I remembered my old friend, Baba, and I thought. Mama can't pray right now, but if she knew she was dying, she would certainly want to pray at least a last "Act of Contrition." So I prayed it for her...softly, but so that she could hear. If she was able, she joined the prayer in her heart.

I am probably not very coherent in trying to explain what I mean to say. I seem to be a bit better at tearing up at the moment. ...but, I think that your presence and the demonstration of your faith--the faith that she taught you--will bolster her up. It will renew her strength, as well as your own, and it will give light to your paths.

She lives with God on this good earth that he so lovingly created for us. Yet, she is going to be with him more fully, now...and so are we. We are all walking this same path, and your belief in this can only bolster her hope and comfort her in her trepidations.

Peace and blessings,
maria

You have been given excellent suggestions.
FEAR, that is a powerful feeling.Any who have dealt with fear can understand.

Mac you have got to understand even the most faithful servant of God is going to be taken aback by that dreaded word....Hospice.
If you were facing death in the next few moments and knew it how would you react?
She is confused hurt sad angry scared maybe even a little denial.
Just give her time, hold her hand and dont take ANYTHING she says or does personally.
Allow her to make decisions for herself you can not force her.
Just tell her you love her and you are there for her....she may not want any nutrition but you might want to try a bribe that always works for me, a little ice cream maybe

Today was unexpected. I visited her today and tried to find out how she felt about being sent home tomorrow. My sister thinks when she heard the doctor mention the word hospice she clammed up ever since. I had a hard time getting her to make eye contact with me. Though she slips in and out of sleep, she won't take any of her pills and refused the morphine to calm her breathing. She won't drink or eat. I know it sounds odd but it almost seemed she was mad at me. My sister thinks she is mad that she is in this position and is having a hard time grasping her predicament. The only thing I could get out of her is that she is afraid to fall asleep because she thinks she will die. She won't eat or drink because she is afraid to choke. My mother was one of the most spiritual, faithful person I ever met. I am wondering why she seems to have forgotten her faith and seems more a victim of her fear. I tried reminding her of her faith, she nodded yes but that was it. It seemed as I asked her questions, she turns her head away from me. I wonder if the finality of all of this is crippling her ability to communicate with us. My pleas with her to take her meds, to talk to me are getting harder. At what point do I back off? I want to add that the responses so far have been a great help, I really mean that. Thanks.

Oh sweetie!

Remember your very first day of school? I bet you really didn't want to go, but Mom sort of shooed you forward and said, "Go on, darling. It will be all right."
What about the day you got married? Mom gave you up to "another woman", didn't she - and said, "Go on, darling, I'm so happy for you. I'll be fine."
And what about the time you first held your son, and had all those fears about being a good dad; as good a parent as you had? "Darling, you'll do fine. After all, you turned out OK, and I'm so proud of you."

Well, it's your turn now. Mom's going on the hardest journey of your lifetime. It's up to you to hug her, and hold her hand for a while, and then to say, "I'm so proud you're my mom.
I hope I can be as good a parent as you were.
I love you. Go on now, darling. I'll be fine."

And you will. It will take time, and probably some help, but it sounds like you do have a wonderful wife and son, and you will be there for them, just as they are for you. As has already been said, "One day at a time." That's how any of us make it work, anyway.

quote:

I am not thinking about "tomorrow" yet. One day at a time.

Bobcat, great words to share.I never thought about tomorrow.I focused on the day.

quote:

This, however seems impossible to face. I need help

Dear mac,

You have just taken the first and second step in facing your fear. You have admitted it AND you have reached out for help. You are stronger than you think.

Your next step will be to get in touch with Hospice for their help. These people are wonderful because they deal with patients AND their families for the physical help they need and the emotional support and counseling for end of life situations and coping with it.

My friends here are correct in stating that each of us has experienced the loss of a parent and have been devastated by it. We all have been forced to go on with life, be it one day at a time. Have faith to know you WILL get through this as have many who thought they never could.

Wishing you some peace in this most difficult time.

Welcome, macjr. So glad you found your way here.

quote:

I survived my father's passing ten years ago and never thought I would. This, however seems impossible to face.

I can understand this and so many of us are right there with you. There is never a good time to lose a parent and few of us ever can truly believe that we can survive the loss.

This is where a healthy dose of blind faith comes in. You have faced this before and here it is again. The mere thought is enough to curl one's insides, but your life and the guidance you have received from your parents WILL help you through.

quote:

She told me I have been a beautiful son, but i need to stop focusing on my fears.

Mama knows best, dear. Her words speak volumes not only about how much she loves you, but the confidence she has in you and how you have used the knowledge and experiences of your life. This is the time to run over the inventory we all keep of stuff we'd like to say/do for someone. For some things, it's too late - no cruises to Italy. But for the stuff that REALLY counts, there is time. I hope that you will, as you arrange for her care, remember to take time for yourself. I don't know if your employers allows for family/personal leave, but it's something to consider if possible. Let your heart guide you. It's a good time to recall some of the best and worst times with her as she is able. Sometimes when she is not well enough to talk, she may enjoy simply listening to you tell her about things you found valuable about your life with her or maybe, just the things in the news that day. Sometimes it's remembering that she loved raspberry preserves on her toast or the first wildflowers of spring brought proudly to her by a child. Take time for all the sweet things in your heart and revel in a life well lived. It's gonna be emotional, it's gonna feel overwhelming at times and you will break down some... Keep extra kleenex around. It's normal to feel more emotional, physically stressed, irritable. This is a big deal. Try to have patience with yourself and others as you go through this time - easy does it. I hope that you will reach out to others as often as you can and more often than you think you need. Pay close attention to yourself. You need extra rest, exercise, healthy diet and stress relief. Relaxation is imperative because bottling up all the feelings and concentrating them in your body is unhealthy for you. When some folks grieve, they refuse to allow themselves the rest, relaxation and good times that are so important in life. You have an 11 month old to remind you of all the promise and wonder of life when you feel most beat up by the cruelty of its end and the loss we feel. Balance is everything.

Take good care of yourself and every time you think you can't stand it, hug the stuffin's outta that little boy of yours and let your love for him inspire and comfort you.

I hope you will keep us updated on how things are going - we're here and we all do understand!
When you think you have more on your shoulders than you can bear, relax and know that as we are given challenges, we're also given the tools and answers we need with which to deal with those challenges. Many blessings to you!

I always find comfort in what BG and Mae have to say. I only add that I was always ready for Dad to go "tomorrow", never "today"....Mom is still hanging in there, I am not thinking about "tomorrow" yet. One day at a time.