My mother was recently found on the floor in her home--after I called the police because she did not answer the telephone. She was in ICU and then the hospital for over two weeks, and was discharged with orders for skilled nursing and therapy. I flew her to my home state by air ambulance, as no one in the family lived where she did. She is 84 and I have noticed some short term memory loss over the past two years that has worsened significantly since the fall (she could not remember my last name today, whether she had breakfast, etc.) She's been in, from what I can tell so far, an excellent SNF with caring staff members. She has not walked in over 20 days and is weak. I called her tonight, and she told me that she had received no food, then told me that her breakfast was delivered at lunch time, then said that she wanted me to PICK HER UP TOMORROW AND TAKE HER HOME (which is in another state). She still can't walk, can't transfer to a chair and requires a catheter for urine (she has a colostomy). I will see her tomorrow, and I know she cannot leave yet, and as sad as this sounds, I hope she doesn't remember her conversation with me today. She isn't legally incompetent and can make her own medical decisions, even if she isn't being rational. I just need to vent and I know I'm doing it too soon. Has anyone ever had to "ignore" his/her parent's wishes in these matters?

Wow -- thanks for all of the great advice. I'm off to see her today and am hoping for the best. If I ever gain as much wisdom as all of you possess, I'll start trying to post some of my helpful (hopefully) advice for others! God bless.

Awwww, Donswife {{{HUGS}}} I feel for ya - perhaps the graduated placement is easier for your husband, but I don't think it's any easier for us caregivers 'cause we know where the road leads... You know the drill, so take things one step at a time. There will be many things for you to do to help your DH through the transition and in doing so, will help make the transition easier for you. Hopefully, there will be no need for anything other than a trip to the rehab for some reconditioning. Remember to watch out for yourself during this stress-filled time... easy does it!

Welcome, 12Gates! You've found a place of kindred spirits... Yes, most of us have had that uncomfortable experience... a shift in the parent/child relationship where now we are the caretakers of another whose judgement is not up to snuff. The mom you remember is gone along with her judgement. As she recovers, she may regain some of her memory... or not. We all look over our shoulders and second guess our decisions, particularly when new to intervening in our loved one's life. We grieve for the competant person we have lost; we struggle with decisions, trying to do the best we can, balancing our lifelong knowledge of the person with their medical needs. It's a tightrope and a whole lotta emotions to balance.

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Has anyone ever had to "ignore" his/her parent's wishes in these matters?

With few exceptions, nearly all of us have had to do this at some point or another and it's sh*tty duty for sure! We hear the words, see the frightened pleading eyes and it feels absolutely terrible to have to override their requests. This is what we mean when we talk of separating oneself... We are no longer children and our parents, while certainly not children, have lost their ability to make competent adult decisions for themselves. I remember wishing I could run to my mom and spill out my dilemma and seek her sage advice... unfortunately, she is no longer available to me as an advisor. Square your shoulders, hon. Your mom taught you how to make tough decisions by her examples and advice to you earlier in life. I frequently think of this time as when we graduate to becoming full, fledged adults, the circle becoming complete when we assume the adult role of caretaking our parents' interests. Just as your mom might have ignored your pleas to go home when you were hospitalized during a childhood illness or injury, so must we steel ourselves to make good decisions for them in the same manner. Any parent who has had to ignore their child's pleas to come home because it was in their best interests to remain where they could receive needed assistance knows how hard that tugs at one's heartstrings! This is a time when you need to do everything you can to console your mom and emphasize that she can trust you to help her. Just because our loved one's memory may have faded does not mean that they are content in dementia-land - being confused is not a pleasant feeling to anyone. It is wise to check up on what's happening with her in the SNF - review the charts, note when her meds and meals are given, talk to the staff, particularly the folks who do the hands-on stuff (frequently the aides and custodial folks). Visit her at odd hours to ensure that she is being cared for in a prompt and professional manner.

When my mom hadda be in the extended care facility a few times, I would take a picture from home so that she would have something she recognized to help orient her. I left her notes - called them her "cheat sheets" - with basic info like
"Hi, Mom! You are in the *whatever the name is* Hospital in *whatever the name of the city is*. I have gone home and will be back to see you at *fill in the time you will visit*. If you need to talk to me, call the nurse by pressing the orange button on your bed and ask them to dial *my home or cell number* for you. See you soon, Love, Your daughter Moms_Buddy."
I would leave the cheat sheets right where she could find them when she awoke, sometimes even pinned them to her sheet (it is wise to tell the staff not to touch those notes upon penalty of severe beating ). The notes comforted her when I could not be there to reorient her.

You're doing fine in a very stressful situation. Be good to yourself and try to roll with the changes.

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I just need to vent and I know I'm doing it too soon.

Venting, freaking out, expressing strong emotions are all part of this caregiving thing from beginning to end. It's a time of great change and we're open 24/7 for each other!

Many blessings to you for your loving care! Looking forward to getting to know you.

I am in the process of placing my husband.
Right now it's from a hospital to a "rehab" facility, but it was explained to me that using those terms at first makes for a much easier transition to permanent nursing home placement.
I'm still wondering, "Easier transition for WHO?" And the answer is "probably both of you."
I'm waiting for a raft of tests, cardiology and dementia related, and to see if they will accept him for placement. I haven't been able to state my feelings about this - I can't sort them out yet. But I know you all understand, and I am grateful.

Twelvegates, First, I want to welcome you to a place where I have found valuable advice and support. Next, yes, some of us have had to, not ignore, but to supercede, a parents wishes, to preserve their best interest. But to do so, A full geriatric evaluation to petition for guardianship, POA and DPOA may have to occur, although at this time, she may be able to voluntarily still be able to assign this if she will. Under the circumstances, if a family member doesn't pick up the ball fast, the court will, and appoint someone. It is clear that she has lost the ability to act in her own best interest. I am so sorry to say that, but I don't think that is really "news" is it?
Best of luck Honey. This is truly a hard stage. Is your parent incompetent or not? Are you or another family member able to take on the task of managing that parent's well being and their finanances in that persons best interest? Right now, that is the question you are facing.
It is never too soon to vent. The instant it is in your lap, you belong here. I think anyone here can tell you that if you vent from the very start, ask for answers to your question from day 1 , you have improved your chances of surviving a difficult situation.
Make no mistake, switching roles with a parent from child, to Care Giver is no easy task, and doesn't take place over night, legally, maybe, but not emotionally. Any one here will help if possible with you questions now and always. I don't know how I would get through the day without being able to come here.
Again, Welcome. Ask and we'll try.

Twelvegates welcome in. sounds like youve been through the wringer here...Hun I have to say this for your own sake as well as your moms she is not sounding competent. You yourself just said she has memory problems...I doubt she could make rational medical decisions on her own, look at what she is asking of you right now.
Yes we all go against what our parents want when it comes to their safety and well being dont for one moment feel guilty about this and sweetie honestly if she is showing deficits in memory to you my best guess is that the medical personnel have already documented this in her charts and is a matter of record now. I hope you have her POA and DPOA current if not you may want to get a jump on this before its too late in the game...Please please take this seriously...I am showing you and feeling a sense of urgency over this matter I am not trying to be mean I just really want you to recognize this isnt normal behavior sweetie
Again welcome in please know you have found a great place to come to when you need to have a hand held or just be, we are on your side and know exactly what you are feeling