Oh man, Dad is 90, won't stop driving, and now needs to move into assisted living. He's in a facility already, an Air Force high rise that was supposed to provide graduated care for life. Problem is they don't have any openings in assisted living. He also balks at expense.
He has earlyish Alzheimers, apparently, along with tia's and little strokes.
He wants me to move him here, states away. He's scared.
I'm scared too.

Thanks Mom's Buddy,

I am so over it.

I wrote all my NZ friends who knew my sister before she died. This dog contributed to my sisters death, they all know that.
She was a dumb, REALLY stupid dog, Too dumb to live. I did the best I could with her.

When I told my best friend today, the only one this dog really loved, she LAUGHED! I had first vtold her something terrible had happened. She was expecting that one of my kids had fallen off another cliff or a grandbaby had died of the flu. THANKS FRIEND! She's a farmgirl and has to kill and eat her own baby animals she raises on a bottle.

So it's back in perspective, it was just the shock and trauma that drove me to hell and back.

Dad is still an *ssh*le. But he doesn't deserve to die for being male. He's back in his apartment and happy to be there.

quote:

Some of us baby boomers had hellacious childhoods after the war and I can't blame the dads.

Yes, some of our dads were unable to recover and passed on the terrible trauma they experienced to their children. Some never served and were cruel anyway. I don't know why and there are no answers.

Sandy, I can't find it in my heart to blame him about the dog, although I realize he is responsible. Even though you told him, even though he did leave the gate open and even though he lied about it, it WAS an accident. That same scenario happens every day somewhere to mothers whose children forget or deliberately defy them. And the kids lie to their moms' faces, too! Many accidents ARE preventable and we ALL do our best, but sometimes stuff happens. I don't know why and there are no answers.

I wish somehow you could have come to terms with his behavior BEFORE he became old and disabled... I often wondered while I was taking care of Mom, what if Daddy had survived and needed care? I wonder if I could have stepped up as strongly for him as I did for her...

It's so hard to let cruelty go... but I hope that you can because that's NOT something you want to hold to yourself.

Again, I'm so very sorry about your dog. That was a twisted cruel event that I wish had happened on ANYONE'S watch but your dad's... I don't believe he meant to hurt you...again... It's such a traumatic event to kill one's own beloved pet, why did it have to happen because of HIS inability to understand or carelessness? I know there's something important in there... a lesson... but right now my eyes are squinting back tears for you and I just can't think what it could be...

...forgiveness, perhaps?

Although that seems like a tall order right about now... I hope one day that you will have peace in your heart in place of the painful memories, but I sure don't know how you will find it. Each of us makes our peace with awful memories in our own way and time. I hope it comes quickly for you as you are such a dear person! It hurts to see you continue to suffer so... {{{{HUGS}}}}

God dear God dear Mother Mary All creation cried for me today when it washed away my tears with rain.
dear Friends
I have never been so traumatized in years. Go read the anger wall. I am sick to vomiting all day today. My Dad is evil, I know we all are too.
How could one person create the trauma my DAD HAS ALL THESE YEARS?


He left the gate open this morning, the one I told him not to use, and why, then he lied about it after I killed my own dog.

I hate his f*cking guts.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Sandmason,

quote:

I can't blame the dads. Blame Hitler and the Japanese. It was hell and the ones that survived did the best they could.
There weren't any PTS drugs or therapy for them.

All said and done, that is very generous of you, Sandmason. Your Mother knew he would make good children, even if he was unable to be a Daddy. I am deeply sorry about your baby sister.

Thanks Torp,

I needed to hear that, those military fathers from WWII were a breed unto themselves. Some of us baby boomers had hellacious childhoods after the war and I can't blame the dads. Blame Hitler and the Japanese. It was hell and the ones that survived did the best they could.
There weren't any PTS drugs or therapy for them.

quote:

Originally posted by T.O.R.P.:
{{{{{you}}}}}}

He may have been a crappy father, but you ARE a good daughter! Sometimes we just have to step back and let them crash and burn, then do what we can from that point on.

I was a military brat as well, and my parents divorced soon after dad retired. I understand a LOT that I can't put into words.

Coincidentally, I'd just this evening been looking at pictures I took at dad's military funeral. His death felt like a mercy on him and on all of us. I don't feel guilty at all for feeling that way, but I guess it helps to have moved on past the bitterness from when they were living.

{{{{{you}}}}}}

He may have been a crappy father, but you ARE a good daughter! Sometimes we just have to step back and let them crash and burn, then do what we can from that point on.

I was a military brat as well, and my parents divorced soon after dad retired. I understand a LOT that I can't put into words.

Coincidentally, I'd just this evening been looking at pictures I took at dad's military funeral. His death felt like a mercy on him and on all of us. I don't feel guilty at all for feeling that way, but I guess it helps to have moved on past the bitterness from when they were living.

Struggling with a sense of HATRED is something I haven't had to deal with in a loooooong looooong time. I do appreciate my dad and everything he tried so hard to be for our family, but my beloved baby sister is dead. I read her most private journals up to the day she died and I blame him for the most part. It's a secret what he did to her. Still is and will remain so forever.
He was just horrible as a husband and father, emotionally.
For his own sake I wish he would just drop dead, he wishes that too, in case you are shocked.

Dad came out at 7am on Sept 7th and angrily announced he wanted to return home IMMEDIATELY. He was furious that he "had been here two weeks and hadn't had a single Dr. Apt yet". (He was actually here ONE week and had a three day weekend in it, we had three appointments within two weeks set up, courtesy of my husband's connections)

I tried to find him a ticket home, 2 weeks notice was cheap, "today" was expensive. (68 vs 350)
So he wanted to wait until we did the Urology appt this last week. He's going back to Air Force Village Tuesday ALONE! He can just ask for help if he gets lost in the Denver airport. It's a lot easier than Dallas. I honestly don't give a Fl*ing F*ck. The best thing that could happen is that he drops dead from his own fury.

He went to the Uro and was diagnosed with neurogenic bladder and a lax anal sphincter from fistula surgery he had in 91 and had forgotten. I taught him to use Depends though, which he didn't know existed. He was buying Stayfree mini pads and sticking several inside his underwear. How sad is that? He did get a brand new drug for the bladder that is helping a lot, Toviaz. Hubby even borrowed a sample and is trying it tonight. Men get so sick of waking up all night to try unsuccessfully to urinate, from 50 onward usually.

Today I had to call the police as Dad sneaked out on foot and vanished on a hot day for three+ hours. That drama is a whole 'nother story.

Dad can just go back to Texas and take his medicine. He's so much better, BP 116/65, no signs of confusion, just his damned stubborn irrationality, nothing new AT ALL, and his incredible selfishness.

I have had constant muscle spasms since I started dealing with his self induced illnesses in June. He's the most inconsiderate piece of SH*T, and I knew that all my life, from the time he started beating me when I was three through fifteen. I'm glad I was born, that mother didn't divorce him in 1950. I'm glad my siblings were born after me. We will redeem this family only through the siblings love for one another.
As for him , he can just figure it out. I personally intend to do nothing more than call him frequently and field phone calls when we have to act on his medical POA.

He begged for my help in July and asked me to move him here. He had better apprreciate his old home now.

A Walmart today my Dad refused to buy a six pack of handkerchiefs for $3.00, too expensive, I guess he's a little demented.

whew
My back hurts my neck hurts.

Dad did chicken out on coming with me the second day I was there and was all depressed. I was SO impressed with Air Force Village. A country club for seniors, just wonderful. Hobby shops, a new pool and exercise facility 30' from the door, great food, excellent, intelligent, talkative residents.........I wish I could move in there.

He did not sign out permanently yet, keeping the door open if it's too cold and even more boring here. Got him on the waiting list for assisted living.

He made it back with me without getting lost in the airport or wetting/messing pants, refused to wear a pad. GAWD!

He is NOT demented after all. Back on his BP meds. Meds all straightened out. He's out for long walks and is picking beans and peaches.

His nightmare is his urological/fecal incontinence problems. Have a urology apt next week and a neuro later, see if he has a spinal lesion. Needs four painful infected teeth pulled stat, that's even later. Need cataracts done maybe, no apt yet.

Tomorrow we are moving our bed upstairs (with help) so Dad can have the bathroom to himself and hubby doesn't have to share all night. They both get up all night trying to urinate. What a nightmare. Meet your violent father in law in your bathroom at 2 am. Hubby has to work and doesn't need to be wakened by Dad fumbling with the toilet seat and the light switch. At least we have another good room upstairs.

We're trying, I'm exhausted from the tension of having him here. I don't trust him. He snoops through our mail, bills, bank statements, is critical.
Yack

Hang in there Sandmason! I'll be praying for an uneventful flight.

Well, I leave here at 5am tomorrow to fly there, bringing him back with me Tuesday.
I'm hardly ready for a 7 am flight tomorrow but guess I'd better GET ready, NOW! LOL.
I hope he cooperates, this could be scary.

They discharged him to the onsite NH where he lives. This morning he left AMA and returned to his apartment. When they called me, I agreed to check him out. They didn't tell me that if I did, they would keep his meds. State law. His brand new prescriptions from the govt. The hospital discarded all that he brought in with him so he has nothing now.
So now I'm phone shuffling to try and scrape up new prescriptions for him for tonight, since he has malignant high BP and stopping drugs suddenly can kill him.
Scraping up Home Health.

Calling the sheriff again. The EMTs said the sheriff was the only one handling Dad's wallet, the hospital said they got all the ID info from the EMTS, Dad said two young boys, EMTS were going through his wallet. Meanwhile Dad's military ID is gone, all his insurance cards, maybe even his ATM card and $200. cash. He has an empty wallet.
It's not unheard of for EMTs to lift something from demented patients. They make $7.50/hr here.There are gangs in that area that make fake ids and work in identity theft.
I'm packing to go to Texas and bring Dad here, but I can't get there in time to make sure he gets his BP drugs tonight and tomorrow am!

Holy Negligence, Batman!!! I think whomever DIDN'T call IMMEDIATELY when he was transported, needs some cellulite removed from their butt the old-fashioned way - by an a** chewing!!!

That kind of stuff makes me so damned mad I could spit nails like a nailgun on steroids!!!

O Krap, Sandi, hang in there. I am so sorry to hear of this set back. Breathe. (((big HUG)))

Poor Dad.
Residence called today at 5pm to let me know he was sent to the hospital YESTERDAY around noon! Apparently she doesn't go over the reports from day before until the end of the day!
My daughter was AT that hospital today not knowing he was there, Dad didn't want his NOK notified.
I need to go out for milk but I'm waiting for the Dr to call. He's demented, trying to pull out his IV. BP was 200+/100+. Forgotten meds?
Hubby has MPOA and Guardian papers, hope he's home when they call.

quote:

Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
You are SOOOO GOOD!!! I especially like your attitude/ approach with your sis's wailing...

THANKS!
Dad signed and mailed the title to sister. He had to practice writing his name. The resident director helped him. I'm getting quotes to ship car.

The car is hidden. The keys retrieved. He tried to go to the dealership Friday morning, took a cab for $50 and they wouldn't even SELL him another key. He forgot there's one in his briefcase.

Military ID and all his insurance cards are missing after his trip to the hospital. Two, one hundred dollar bills gone. The hospital couldn't find him when I called as they got his name backwards on their ER records. Security is looking in the safes tomorrow for his wallet contents.

He told my sis he's moving here and will just buy a car here. LOL! I reported him to the sheriff for holding an out of state license too.

Today he was stressing over where to get money, forgot there's an ATM at the high rise. I called the front desk to warn them he needs help with it. He's out of groceries and can't go to the commissary until someone helps him get a new ID. Can't get on base to get the ID either.

WHEW!

Tomorrow all I have to do is email the resident director and encourage her to get him daily help, RIGHT NOW. The ball's in their court.

You are SOOOO GOOD!!! I especially like your attitude/ approach with your sis's wailing...

I know how you feel about other family members. My sister has been good for the most part but she was miffed to find Mom had a doctor appointment during the week she would be visiting. We had hoped she could take Mom in, for a change, and she probably will but I don't think she really has any idea how many errands we run on a weekly basis. And that's with Mom in assisted living.