Hi...I hope I'm putting this message in the right place. I am lost as to what to do with my 89-yr-old bedridden mother. She lives in her home in Southern CA (& I live in Northern CA), she is bedridden, has virtually no mobility due to allowing caregivers to everything for her, is obese, has a catheter, is on oxygen, has diabetes, and is still trying to call all the shots - albeit incredibly unrealistic ones. I believe that my mother has a psychological disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder, with a very healthy dose of narcissism thrown in as well. She has ALWAYS been difficult, and needless to say, we are not close. I have tried my best to help her when she's asked me to, but she usually just wants me to butt out and have no contact with her caregivers - she's very paranoid. She has had a revolving door of private caregivers for the last 7 years but it looks like no one will work for her anymore (and many have been bad hires as well) and she is now down to one who is sweet but not emotionally or technically strong enough to care for my mother - who is verbally abusive and just awful to be around.

I have a great care manager who can barely get in my mother's front door, and we may be able to get his agency to finally step in (at an ENORMOUS sum of $$ per day), so that my mother can stay in her home for a little while longer. But I think that this is only holding off the inevitable: that my mother truly needs to be in a nursing home where she can get properly looked after and medicated. But she will go kicking and screaming into that situation - and I just don't think I can do that on my own.

Because she's bedridden, obese, and immobile, getting her to a doctor is impossible unless an ambulance is called - and she won't go along with it. I offered to come down a couple of weeks ago and help get her to a doctor's appointment and she completely brushed it off.

No other agency in her town will touch her, she's just far too problematic and difficult. And truthfully, even if I can get my care manager's caregivers in there I doubt that it will last more than a couple of weeks. So the next option is calling Adult Protective Services and hopefully they will take conservatorship of my mother and figure out what needs to be done.

I feel like I sound like such an unthankful daughter, but truthfully, life with my mother has never been easy and always very psychologically messy - she's a pretty selfish human being. I told her that I would try to keep her in home until she passes away, but I just don't see that happening. I don't have the stamina for her anymore (I have heart problems), and although I empathize with all her aging issues, so much of the craziness that surrounds her is what she brings on herself.

What to do? I would appreciate any suggestions from you caregivers out there. I'm reminded of a saying: "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." I'm afraid I tied that knot years ago and only a few frayed fragments are left!

Does anyone else have this scenario? I'd just like some advice as to how to handle this situation. She won't listen to anyone, her terms are incredibly unrealistic (she thinks people WANT to work for her and she shouldn't have to pay them at all), and as I said earlier, she's very abusive and angry. It's so hard because I feel like my love for her has run out - as well as my patience - at the time when she is entering into the scariest part of her old age.

Thanks for any help you can give - so glad I found this forum today and can read up on everyone's advice and other problems out there. It's nice to know I'm not alone

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as I said earlier, she's very abusive and angry. It's so hard because I feel like my love for her has run out - as well as my patience - at the time when she is entering into the scariest part of her old age.

The only advice I can offer is to TRY to keep perspective by telling yourself that the anger and abuse are part of the disease, a symptom.

This is kind of a sick analogy but:
with a physical illness a symptom might be diarrhea. But with an illness of the brain anger and abuse can be a symptom. Also trying to rationalise with this kind of person makes no difference.

It seems you care for her alot and I want you to know that we all have times when we think we feel like we just can't take it anymore! But you alone must make that judgement call.

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Things are tough right now, but my eldercare responsibilities are only part of the reason - my health problems and financial troubles are the major stressors right now.

You know, that was something I hadn't anticipated. I knew that one day my parents would need care but I had never thought about the fact I wouldn't be a spring chicken any more when it happened. I would have been a lot more able to handle the physical demands of nursing had I been twenty.

Not sure there's any advice in that but I sympathize. I guess best bet is to have at least one child as late as humanly possible so they'll still be spry when we could use a hand! :-)

Hi Barb,

My mom has been diagnosed with "Borderline Personality Disorder". She almost came to live with me, but it is comical in retrospect what we had to do to accomodate her needs. She couldn't stand to have the TV on near her, so we had to move our TV to the basement. We gave her our master bedroom and moved to a smaller room upstairs in our Cape Cod style home. Then she needed about ten zillion other things changed. We had a contractor in making all the changes and she complained that she would die before the changes were done (she's still alive and doing well, six years later). Finally, both her and my dad demanded that our dining room be turned into his bedroom. That was the last straw, I put my foot down and because I wouldn't access to that last demand they cancelled the move three days prior to moving day. We had to move everything back to the way it had been.

She had to do things her way in her own time and like your mom, she fought with the case worker I had hired (I was also managing her care long distance). She finally ended up in the hospital and from there went to a short-term rehab center and then to long-term care. She had a psychiatrist who figured out the right combination of medications and by having a private room, which allows her to control her environment, she's been thriving.

I can't imagine the hell we would have gone through had she moved in with us. I look back now and think I must have been out of my mind to consider it.

My dad is a different story. He has Lewy Bodies dementia and while that has been stressful and drained our finances, we were able to give him two good years of in-home care (he moved in with my husband and I in our home) and I moved my mom down here to Connecticut from the NH in Massachusetts.

I hope your mom get the right diagnosis and medications so that she can feel the contentment that my mom finally feels. Thinking I may need some of those medications myself. Things are tough right now, but my eldercare responsibilities are only part of the reason - my health problems and financial troubles are the major stressors right now.

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- keep them safe
- get them the best care possible
- keep them happy"
If you get the second one the other 2 likely will fall into place won't they? esp the safe part. Gypsy

You'd think so, wouldn't you? But it turns out, not always. When we first moved in, mom and I fought often about meals. Mom is pleased to be a finicky eater, so she was eating less and less each day and getting really grumpy when she was expected to eat more. Really, really grumpy.

For awhile, I kept pushing and she kept pushing back. Finally, one of the home care nurses said "It's not worth it." And she was right.

I added up Mom's regular calorie intake and went over it with her. I stopped trying to get her to eat a normal person's diet and vowed to leave her be as long as she got 1000 calories minimum per day. That keeps her alive... and happy. It's not "best care" because with "best care," she'd be getting more calories but I can't see making her last year(s) miserable being constantly nagged about food.

On the bright side, I notice she's eating more and more. I keep snack jars by her seat in the living room with everything from crackers to hard candy. She eats them when she thinks no one is looking. Whee! Every day, I put one more tablespoon of Cheerios in her morning bowl and soon, she will actually be eating a regular serving of it. And now she can eat an entire Stouffer's entree for dinner without wanting one of us to eat half of it for her, so that's progress toward good care and happy, at the same time. :-)

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Opinionated:
I try to remember that when my mom insists on skipping her physical therapy exercises. I could browbeat her into doing them right on schedule, but if it really makes her happy to skip them and it will make her bitterly unhappy to be forced... well, then I walk her around the yard and let it be.

Hi OP could you use the walk as a sort of bribe to do the exercises?You know the old "as soon as we get your exercises done we can go outside" or " do you want to do your exercises now or when we get in from outside?" If she chooses the second one and doesn't want to do them when she comes in then that can't be a choice the next time. Is there any way you can do some or all of the exercises outside? A little "bribery" can go a long way-cookies, outing whatever works . I find I just have to not give in-even half the exercises is better than none. Gypsy
Just another thought about this-
"That sounds like a good position. A friend who is a professional caregiver said there comes a point when you have three goals:
- keep them safe
- get them the best care possible
- keep them happy"
If you get the second one the other 2 likely will fall into place won't they? esp the safe part. Gypsy

That sounds like a good position. A friend who is a professional caregiver said there comes a point when you have three goals:
- keep them safe
- get them the best care possible
- keep them happy

She warned me that sometimes you have to settle for only two or even one of those. I try to remember that when my mom insists on skipping her physical therapy exercises. I could browbeat her into doing them right on schedule, but if it really makes her happy to skip them and it will make her bitterly unhappy to be forced... well, then I walk her around the yard and let it be. (Then I bring the exercises up again the next day. Sometimes success, sometimes not. :-)

Aw your welcome honey anything we can say to make this experience a little easier is all that matters
Just so you know also foods can and do cause erratic behaviors in a person also I hope most of these people involved in her care understand this little known fact. Food is just as much a "drug" to an overweight person as a drug is to a junkie.
Take a person whose life has been weaned on "white product" such as breads cakes cookies candy ie anything starchy and/or sweet...take that away and lemme tell you the grouchiness that surfaces is enough to clear a room...hell a house...*ya oughta see me when I cant get my mid day coke! HAH look out Im gonna tear someone up and lets not forget mornin coffee now if you REALLY wanna mess with a lioness in her den forget to get my daggum coffee * I seem to recall one such mornin not too long ago hunny boy forgot the coffee on the shoppin trip he made....Oh that was not pretty.
See Im a "junkie" I know about this mess

But seriously you do have alot to offer in the way of advice to folks, your attempting to manage your mom long distance and that in itself is a battle, have at least one trusted care giver in there that can communicate with you on the day to day care, it makes all the difference in the world.
One of my cases right now is a long distance situation and because she trusts me to keep her apprised of her LO's care she is successful in this role.
BTW please do listen to MB's words of wisdom here detachment is a word that we preach alot it is a valuable tool, without that....oh boy hair pullin, glass shattering, get the sledge hammer out, rock the house, it aint pretty
Glad to have you Barb welcome into a wonderful family of caregivers

Well, thank you ALL for your words of wisdom - I am soaking them up like a dry sponge on an Arizona desert I agree that I must get a psych-eval for her so that she can get on some medications, but getting her to the doctor is virtually impossible given her immobility and her attitude. However, there is a doctor in her town that is highly regarded and does house calls...he's not taking any clients right now but since most of them are elderly, he does have a "turnover" of sorts. So I am sending in an application this week to get on his waiting list. Perhaps if I bug and beg him enough he'll take my mother fairly soon

And thanks to Bunnys_grl for the tips on caregivers pretty much having to do what the client wishes. She's had some pretty tough private caregivers in the past (no sugary sweets, good meals, etc.), but we'll see what happens with agency caregivers. Personally, I'm at a point where if it makes her happy and she's nice to people if you give her a piece of cake...then give her a piece of cake!! In fact, give her the WHOLE cake!!! ha ha...

Anyway, I absolutely loved coming here today and finding messages from all of you - it truly made my day. I hope that I can offer help to you as well; I just feel so deflated these days and don't have much to share except frustration and anger. But I can always commiserate (smile)!

Thanks again to all of you...one day at a time, eh? And I hope your next day is a very pleasant one!

Barb

Barb, since your mom hasn't been diagnosed, I would suggest that you *somehow* get her in for a geriatric psych evaluation. This is done in-patient and different practitioners test, examine and record her behavior, physiology, neurology, etc. from many different important points of view. Then they get together, each with their opinions and observations and discuss the patient. They formulate diagnosis, prognosis and treatment plans based on all of their combined findings and recommendations.

Having a good, solid diagnosis is the first step toward being able to care for an elder, whether at your home, their home or in a facility. It helps the caregiver cope as well because you know more about what is behavior that is purposeful and intentional and what is the result of degenerative neurological disease. There's a big difference in how one manages an adult of sound mind, but egocentric demands, and one who is in mid-stage AD.

Detachment is important. Even with the best of situations, your way of relating to your (historic) parent must change more to relating to a patient. I think of relationships as a kind of dance... I step this way, you step that way, we turn and bow...etc. We have to change the dance to be able to emotionally detach from patient care and to manage a person we love whose cognitive and physical abilities are diminished. They may resemble their former selves, but they are not the same. While it's helpful to *know* your patient so that you can understand how they typically respond to many things, if their brains are coming unwound, the person's personality, likes, dislikes, etc. may change very much from the person with whom we were so intimately familiar... it's very challenging to us and more than a little maddening sometimes to pick your way through the tangles...

If you need to use subterfuge to get the evaluations and care that you need for a parent, do what you have to do in their best interest.

We are all only ONE person each... there are many different solutions to eldercare problems depending on the circumstances involved! Caring for the caregiver is extremely important so keep your fingers on your OWN pulse, too! Allowing oneself to become terribly run down and exhausted physically and emotionally is not in anyone's best interest, for sure!!

Hang in there! I hope everyone gets a little "me" time this week!

I wish I had good practical advice but I'm fairly new to this, too. I mainly wanted to say "No, you're not alone." I nodded my head as I read your note because my mom can be illogical and difficult, too, at times. And from what I've read, that's not uncommon. Good luck to you and your Mom. I hope I'll see you around here and we'll all learn how to cope! :-)

Hey Barb welcome in
Well BPD no but paranoia, OCD, you know your garden variety disorders with my MIL, then theres my own set of patients I deal with who have a whole nother set of issues and lemme tell ya they aint nothin to sneeze at sometimes UGH!
Im guessing you have went thru a number of HHA's thru this company and you'll probably go thru some more the way it sounds, sometimes you honestly have to "click" with the person or know how to finesse a situation real good, it takes genuine experience for that not to mention meds, now theres the sticking point it seems....unless you can get her in to see a doctor or find someone who makes house calls your gonna have a tough time with this.
Also a little heads up here too so that you may better understand working with an agency, while aids are there to take care of your mom and attend to her safety we are obligated to do what the patient wants and sweetie thats not always what is best for them.
Yes there are always going to be bad aids in the mix but the majority are just following the orders laid out by not only their patients but their company as well.
If a patient doesnt want to take a bath, take a med, exercise, eat etc. our hands are tied we can not force them to do something ever.
If your mom wants to gorge herself we have to provide the food even if she cant get up to get it.
The alternative is to get someone in there that knows their way around a kitchen that can whip up some good food that is healthy for mom and that also knows how to deal with behaviors such as the ones your mom is presenting.
Hopefully this agency finds someone who is capable of these feats for your mom.
You may not like them but if the outcome is beneficial to your mom then thats all that matters.

Thanks for your input, Moms_Buddy! I am her DPOA (and I am an only child so no siblings to contend with), and her sound mind is a relative question (ha ha), but she can present herself well so I know that conservatorship is not in the picture right now. It seems that as of today, she is willing to go along with caregivers from my care manager's agency. I have to be rather underhanded and secretive about using her money to pay for it, but it's the only way she can stay in her home - for awhile, at least.

I'd still like to know, tho, if anyone has a parent (or any family member for that matter) that has been diagnosed as a borderline personality...just like to know how they handle it.

Thanks! And thank you for the nice welcome, as well.

quote:

So the next option is calling Adult Protective Services and hopefully they will take conservatorship of my mother and figure out what needs to be done.

Welcome, Barb! I moved your post here to the "Residential Options" forum.

I think if your mother is of sound mind and you have no legal control over her, she can call the shots. The only way that APS will get involved is if she is NOT caring for herself reasonably or demonstrates a lack of cognitive ability to do so... Hopefully, yjr Care Manager will be able to talk some sense into her.
Good luck!