Hi everyone! This is my first time here, and honestly, compared to other stories I have read, my problems seem minor. But I just am at a loss with my mom and need advice.

She lives on her own about 7 hours from me. My sister lives 10 minutes from her, but my relationship with her is stronger and so a lot of stuff seems to fall on me.

My mom is 84; she has lived in the same house for 40 years yet doesn't have anyone except my sister and I that she trusts to help her out. She has a large family but they live in another state. My mom calls herself "independant" but to me she is living as a recluse. I buy her groceries online. I go up as often as I can and do basic stuff (like light bulbs and battery replacement) but I can't do the big stuff. Her house is 40 years old and falling apart around her. She refuses to see what needs to be done and refuses to have things fixed. She is only taking care of herself as far as eating and taking her medication. She doesn't bathe very often or wash her hair or clothing. Her house is filthy but she won't allow us to hire anyone to clean it. She recognizes things need to change, but refuses to even start looking at options. Outwardly, she probably appears fine to her doctors or people that see her on the street as she can hold a simple conversation just fine.

I just don't know what my role should be at this point...I can't force her to do anything but I don't think this is a healthy way for her to live. Do I have any right to butt into her life though? It IS her life and by any legal standards I don't think she is at a point where the courts would think she needs a guardian. I just hate to see this happening to her though.

Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated!

Hi Katerra welcome in
Id go to your newer post but the majority of what your issues are with mom are here and not there.
I have to agree with MB's observation here it does sound like cognitive decline but also remember as our LO's get older so does their senses....
Ugh sense of smell most times goes flyin out the window hence I dont need to take a shower begins....
Can I just say I dont know how many times Iv had to say something along the lines of WOW your kidding right?!
Im just kidding Im not that bad
But depending on the person my approach is always changing sometimes Im humorous/silly sometimes I whisper to them and tell them I REALLY think its time they took a shower/bath or at the very least a sponge bath and honey that kitty kitty needs some soap NOW!

One thing that might be the reason for her resistance is that your so far away she cant really rely on you to get things done so its hard for her to trust what you say you can do and what you actually do, nowaddimean?
Thats a big issue with elders that I hear.
Their kids may love them but to rely on them when their miles away is not something they really count on which makes this situation difficult for all involved....even cg's.
If your not capable of getting her over to your way of thinking maybe you can explore the possibility of your sister's help in this but in order for this to work shes going to have to be able to pick up and go to mom when she needs her.
The reason why is, all it takes is one time of saying "no I cant mom" in these first steps to sway mom back into that Im independent and I can do this all by myself mindset.
Can sis do this? Is she willing to try?

Katerra, it sounds like your mom is undergoing some cognitive changes. These seem very subtle at first and depression can confuse the issue even more. Your mom obviously cannot care for herself well any more. She may be having other problems that are going unnoticed. It would be good to speak with her doctor (without her) about the changes you are seeing and get her in for a geriatric neurological evaluation if the doc thinks she is showing signs of the onset of dementia symptoms. {People don't just awaken one morning and show signs of cognitive decline; it's a slow process many times (unless caused by a sudden event such as a TIA or stroke)...

Please check out the discussion in the thread below about communicating with parents... http://eldercare.infopop.cc/ev...=357105043#357105043
From what you have written, it sounds like you are asking her "normal" questions that she is no longer really able to field... Cognitive decline can be caused by any number of sources, but it has to be addressed.

It all starts with talking with her doc and getting her tested to see what's going on with her... Asking her if she wants to go to the doctor (or telling her she has an appointment with a shrink of any kind) is bound to be met with fear, anger and resistance. The doctor can help you find an "excuse" to get her in to see him/her...

Thank you so much for writing back! This is all so new and scary to me and it is great to have a place to go to chat.

Legally, everything is in order. We do have a living will and DPOA. I have access to her accounts and know financially where everything is. Financially she is fine...not wealthy or anything, but there are no worries financially at this point. The problem is she won't do anything for herself and won't let us help her. There are plenty of senior care options near her (such as transportation and social activities) but she won't participate. She says she is fine and that she is happy living the way she does but I just don't understand how she could be. Any change--no matter how simple--is cause for major stress.

We talk about her selling the house every time I see her; I ask her if she wants to go visit the various retirement villages around her but can't get her to go. I ask if she wants to move in with me, she says she doesn't want to leave my sister. I've offered to move with her to the town her extended family lives in and she agreed to it but later backed out. She won't even hear about having a caregiver come in once a week or so. She is very confused about what she wants to do but won't even start looking at her options.

So any ideas of where I start? I don't want to treat her like she is a child; for the most part she can take care of herself but just needs some extra help more often than I can provide.

Welcome Katerra! Glad you found your way here. What you are describing sounds VERY familiar to MANY folks here... It's time for you and sis to start thinking about taking care of Mom - how you will juggle it, who will be responsible for what, etc. One or both of you should be familiar with all her finances, legal issues, bills, etc. If she does not have a DPOA (Durable Power of Attorney), Living Will, etc. in place, this should be taken care of IMMEDIATELY while you still have the chance to get her signature.

Before you think about taking any action with your Mom (and you DO have to take action - it sounds like your mom is exhibiting behavioral changes that at the very least, are unhealthy and unsafe for her - more on that later), be sure your legal ducks are in a row and that between Mom, you and your sis, everyone knows who is gonna take care of what or if both of you are going to help out, etc. If your mom has long-term care insurance, it may be possible to get her some help.

Give us more details and perhaps we can be more specific with suggestions for you.

Please wander over to the New Caregivers forum and introduce yourself there so we can give you a proper ECO Welcome.