I am a stna. My mother was full time caretaker of my grandma. She was in an accident 6 weeks ago and was killed. I haven't been home since. My grandmother has osteoporosis, dementia, and Parkinson's. She requires 24/7 care and complete supervision when awake. I need some ideas of what I can do. I've called lots of help agencies... she makes barely too much for assistance, but not enough to cover stna's to come in. In my area, they want $19 per hour. I must have some respite care for her. Those who have been in similar situations can surely understand why without details. There's only one of me. Not only do I have kids and pets, but another house, law suits due to her death, tons of bills, tons of copies to make and phone calls, etc. Is there a site or something that has stna's listed for each state? We're in Ohio. There's gotta be a cheaper option rather than $19 per hour.

CC, Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your grandmother. There is no way to make sense of the bitterness of all this. Your Gran chose your mother and then you. She must have been an exceptional lady with great instincts.

Perhaps now the family you have built can be free of the pettiness of others.

CC I amsorry about your loss but glad that the court make sure you were allowed your time to pay your respects and have some closure.
"I suppose this may mark the last time I post here, unless something else happens." We would love to hear how you and the rest of your family are doing after these stressful times, perhaps you could post under the http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/frm/f/8746077151 in the Wings section. Gypsy

We were able to go to our own "private" viewing today. The court ordered the funeral home to allow us a time to pay our respects. I even know when the funeral is, and may go, but I haven't decided because it was never my intention to disrupt their mourning but rather for my own family to be able to pay our respects and have some closure.

I suppose this may mark the last time I post here, unless something else happens. The main reason I continued updating is so that someone else might have comfort in knowing they're not alone, should they be going thru something similar. It may also provide someone else some suggestions that they could try in the event they are in a similar situation. I wish you all the best... thank you for caring...

CC

CC please accept my deepest an most sincere condolences on your grans passing (((HUGS)))
I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave over that piss a$$ crowd but I dont all Ill say is been there done that and Im still standin.
As MB says take the high road, smile in the face of adversity it pisses them off....
No one can bar you entrance to that funeral that much I do know and if they EVEN try call the cops I doubt it would come to that though.
So hold your head up high mourn your loss with dignity an ignore the hate its a waste of energy and its disrespectful to your grans memory.
The only thing they'll get outta their ignorance is a bad day and a big fat headache for it, I say thats an even trade wouldnt you?

CC, so sorry that your grandmother's death seems to have brought out the small, mean, dark feelings in your relatives. Hold your head high because you know what she meant to you and you to her. The rest just don't matter. Some families rise above and come together in difficult times - others disintegrate into petty, hurtful bickering. Take the high road whenever you can and follow your heart...

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your gramma. I hope she and you find peace. As for the rest, they will find what they seek and right now, it ain't lookin' like much that's worthwhile...

Hello all... long time...

Tonight, I got that call. You know, the one you know will someday come, but you don't know when. The nursing home called to tell me my grandma had died. My family didn't call... the nursing home did.

You may recall I said early on that my mother's brother and sister seemed to hate me. Her brother at one point last year wished me dead. The reasons for that hate was from many things in the past, years ago, from whatever happened between my mom and her brother/sister. Part of it was because my grandma wanted my mother to care for her... she wanted to move in with her... she wanted my mom to take care of her financial things (which trust me, wasn't much.. we're not talking about riches or anything).. she trusted my mom and they were angry about it. Then when my mom died, all that anger and hate somehow transfered onto me. It is with great sadness that I write this tonight. I could have handled my grandma's death, but not my family treating me once again this way.

The nurse at the nursing home said, "I hate to inform you this way on the phone, but the attorney who was guardian over your grandma said to call you so you'd know because he didn't think anyone else would... your grandma passed away about 10 minutes ago." And they were right... my family didn't even want me at the nursing home and definitely hope to keep me from any viewing/funeral.

So I left my house immediately, headed out to see her one last time... about 5 minutes away. I told my daughter that there could possibly be conflict, to expect it, and not react... to instead try to understand that any confrontation was probably from grief. We got there... my uncle was already there. He had a look of hate in his eyes when he saw us enter the room. He told us to leave at least twice... it was horrible. Of course my daughter and I kind of broke down under all of that hate. It was hard to take. My aunt said nothing to us when she arrived... nothing... but that was actually better than what my uncle had done. Of course, we were expected to leave the room when they came in. We did... I respected the fact my aunt needed to mourn her mom's death. We felt like outcasts... we cried in the hallway while the rest of the family was in her room. I hate that my daughter had to witness it that way. It should have been different.

From what I gathered, they are trying to ban me from the viewing/funeral. I know nothing about when it might be. I will be getting in touch with the lawyer tomorrow, as well as her guardian. They can't ban me from it, can they? When my mom died, according to my grandma's will, I stepped in to take her place. I AM part of the family, even if they don't like me. I didn't ask for this hate. All I did was try to take care of my grandma after my mom's death. I tried to keep her out of a nursing home. I am an STNA and was at the time. I did my best, and all I get in return is no family, no support system, all traditions crushed, and now possibly not even being allowed to have the closure of a funeral?

Someone... give me some input... PLEASE... This is SOOO wrong...

CC

What a lot of changes for you over the years, CC. Your attitude is great and the progress you make through life is testement to the power of positivity and old-fashioned hard work and guts.

quote:

A special thanks to whoever designed this website. It is a true blessing....

The REAL blessing is from folks like you who put flesh on the skeleton of this forum and populate it with experiences and wisdom. We are richer for sharing with one another.

OK... so it's been like forever since I wrote, but I had to update you on what's been happening in my life.

For the last 18 months I was on a roller coaster of emotions, beginning with my mother's untimely death in May 2006, and recently ending with the passing of one of my grandmothers September 2007. I was guardian over two grandmothers, one lived with me. I was disowned by my mother's family after her death. I sold two homes in order to care for one of my grandma's, and bought another one. I went thru countless sleepless nights and if I had a penney for every tear I shed, I'd probably be a millionaire. I went thru months of not being able to do anything with my two children, no movies, no church, no going out to eat, nothing except home care for my grandma 24/7. I even went thru a divorce. In July, my oldest daughter who was 18 decided to move in with her boyfriend against my wishes. He had no apartment, no car, no job. I suppose you could say she decided to rebel at an older age than normal. Either way, it has had its tole on me, again with sleepless nights, lots of prayer and tears.

On a more positive note, I recently gave birth to my baby boy. I have pictures and his story on my website at http://ccslittleark.com/id11.html.

His birth helped me to remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and that a piece of my loved ones lives on thru him. His birth, like every birth, was a miracle... a gift from God. God IS our light. Sometimes it is bright and clear. Sometimes it's dim and hard to see, but it's always there. When we get to the end of our journey in this life, the light will still be there to carry us home. Those that we leave behind will be joining us soon, and even though we will miss them, we wouldn't want them to be sad at our passing, just as those who have gone on before us. Each of us carry the blood of our loved ones with us thru life. My children carry my blood, so even when I die, a portion of me lives on thru them, their children, their children's children and so on. It makes the roller coaster of emotions and grieving a little easier knowing this, and I hope it will help you in your time of sorrow or with your personal roller coaster.

A special thanks to whoever designed this website. It is a true blessing....

CC

Thank you for all of your comments and support. Truly, this website has been a real blessing for me and has helped me when I had no one else to talk to.

Yes Gail, I too believe angels walk among us. Through Christ and His blood, we are all "connected". My mother was a writer and wrote about this in a card to someone who had recently lost their spouse. She said she believed we all had an invisible lifeline that stretched from Christian to Christian, that was not broken by death, but still remained to those who had gone on. This lifeline extends to Jesus, God and all the saints. If you really think about the depth of her words, and are able to grasp the reality of what she was saying, it will give you goosebumps. My mother's prayers are still working today. She was one who prayed for that "someday" when I or someone else would need God to help them through something. Therefore, her prayers are active here and now.

I know for a fact my mother can hear me. I became pregnant after verbally talking to her in February and telling her to basically prove to me she could hear me (I was a bit angry at the time). My chance of becoming pregnant was very slim, and I had vowed to myself that I would have my last child before I was 41, so literally the timing was almost to the minute with no outside help from doctors or drugs. This is a miracle baby.

There are many good people in the world. My family doesn't just consist of blood relatives, not only because of what my mother wrote but because blood relatives can many times seem worse than enemies or strangers. My true family may consists of people I've not even met yet, that I may never meet on this earth, but that doesn't mean they aren't praying for that "person going through the rough time". Each of us have the ability to pray for each other, though we don't know one another and may live hundreds of miles away. Our invisible lifeline to one another connects us in ways we won't be able to understand until we too join those who have already passed from this life into the next.

Feel free to bookmark my website http://ccslittleark.com. I intend to get back into updating it frequently very soon, with pictures of ultrasounds, additional help for people and pets in need, and other interesting things. I also plan on publishing my mother's books, for which there are several, and will update when this happens both on my site, and here. I believe one of the books in particular will be helpful to caregivers, since that is what it's about. It's from her personal standpoint, offering tips that might help, and stresses she dealt with. In addition to all of this, I may go on to becoming a nurse and hope to have the time to draw again.

We never get too old to reach for the stars, and our life experiences give us something that can't be learned in any college. Remember, with God, ALL things are possible.

hi cc. i'm new and read part threads. you are am amazing lady. best wishes on the new member. babies are truly a gift from god as a reaffirmation of life and each one is a miracle of possibilities for a better world! many years ago i went through a faith crisis. i was in church at midnight mass and listening the prist telling about the angels announcing jesus' birth. i was wondering why they were all over the place back then and why we hadn't heard much from them since, ok, at easter, but what about now. i was cynical for quite a long time until i faced a crisis or two that i didn't think i would survive. there were some amazing people who came into my life and it was then that i figured out that many of them are walking amoung us, propping us up when we slump from mental and physical exhaustion, giving us a push when we don't think we can go on another day with our burdens and whispering in our ear that we are not alone. God is with us every step of the way.i have learned to do what i can, let God and let go. you sound like you learned this long before me and have a strength of both spirit and love that is uncommon in these times. God has blessed both you and the ones fortunate to have you in there lives. you fought the fight of love and i consider you a winner. you are someone whom anyone would be proud to call a friend. you have just made a very brave decision and it is time to share your love with the rest of your family and yourself. there was absolutely nothing you will have to look back on and wonder what if's. enjoy your life, visit gran and share hers, your mom's and your love and strength with your family and keep them alive in your life. i'm not much at expressing myself and am a total novice on the computer so forgive me. the world can use so many more of people like i have met since finding this since being introduced to this sight i hope to hear more of your journey through life, you are a real love story and an inspiration!!God bless. gail

CC welcome back Baby! I am so sorry Gran has taken a turn for the worse but she is in good hands and I know she is well taken care of by you and very much loved. Congrats on the upcoming bundle what a blessing this is sweetie and dont forget he/she (or they ) is a part of all the people you hold and held so dear in life....what a precious gift. Please remember to be kind to yourself keep yourself safe and happy as well as healthy.

CC, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to bring your web site up to the top. Many of us are new since last June and I didn't realize you had one until this thread came back up and I read back through it fo some background. There are others who I'm sure will appreciate your site.
http://ccslittleark.com/

Just tell me to delete this post if I was out of line. Bobcat

Thank you CC, for a very wise and compassionate talk. I too believe that a time can come when trying to do it all yourself is exremely risky for you and the LO. It reguires a big dose of humility (often in short supply). Quite literally "Pride goeth before the fall" often a literal ,damaging, life threatening, fall in our case.
Certainly you must make this gift of a baby a top priority now. And for that responsibility to be met, some real soul searching had to occur. Thanks so much for sharing the process with us, and setting such a good example.
Hope all the legal issues and paper work are behind you soon.
Congrates on the blessed event headed your way. Big hugs to you and yours.
Bobcat

Hi, CC. I'm sorry that I missed this thread last year. I guess I must have been very busy at the time--when it gets like that, I go for long periods without getting around to reading the boards.

I just wanted to stop in and tell you that you are so right. You have done a tremendous job in a very tough situation. You have fought the good fight, and you have your head on straight enough to know your limitations.

When I was 40 I became pregnant with our youngest child (now 7), and we were just beginning on our caregiving journey with my mom. At that point I really did not have a good idea of how demanding everything could become, and I just jumped right in. (I'm an only child and my father is deceased...so there didn't seem to be any doubt that I was the one to take care of Mom. There were no other options and, of course, things have progressed from there.)

Anyway, Dear, I just want to congratulate you on your new baby and on the fine job you've done all the way around! Take care of yourself, Love, and enjoy your family. ...time is so precious and fleeting.

Peace and joy to you,
maria

Well, it's been a while since I posted. A lot has gone on since November 2006. It's like midnight and I'm rather bummed so I figure I'll update.

Winter was rough and I never knew from one weekend to the next whether visitation would be cancelled by the family. Through March, almost every weekend was cancelled... unexpectedly.

The guardian of estate finally allowed me to just give the family all of the personal items belonging to my grandma. That was done earlier this year and low and behold, they came up with a list of "missing items". Some of them actually were still here and I found, but many were things that had either been missing for years or stuff I'd never heard of!

Her health has gone downhill. She's been on a liquid diet for over a month now due to swallowing problems. I believe she's getting enough nutrition - three Boosts a day, cream of wheat, and whatever else I can blend up, adding lots of extra "stuff". Her cognitive function/mental status went way downhill, so a neurologist was consulted. EEG was REAL slow, CT scan shows no new strokes in the last several months. Neurologist says probably atypical Parkinsons - most likely Alzheimer's - and put her on Namenda. I think it's actually doing something positive after 3 weeks, but am told it may be short lived.

She's been in the hospital a couple more times, stomach bug and bad UTI again. No symptoms with the UTI at all, not even smell. Walking still with a walker but it's not pretty and very limited.

On a slightly more positive note (completely different subject matter though), I became pregnant in February. A bit unexpected and lots to worry about at first (I turned 40 earlier this year), but everything appears fine.

Now it's June and my grandma just doesn't have the same quality of life she did a year ago. She's deteriorated quite a bit, still good and bad days, but lots more skilled care needed. Even without my pregnancy, I would have been faced with the hard decision of placing her in an ECF. Family still wants me to give up guardianship and probably going to try taking me back to court soon (they're actually overdue for some kind of reaction and I've been told it's coming). So... it looks like I've fulfilled my duty to the maximum I personally could do for my mother, who passed away a year ago May 10th. Oh yeah, May was really hard...

My grandma no longer appears to fear hospitals or strangers as she once did. I honestly don't think she realizes where she is most of the time. I tried to keep her at home because A) I was able to do it, B) She had a better quality of life at home than an ECF, and C) She was able to do a lot more to help herself than she is now. I've thought it out completely and realistically.

For point "A": I "can" still do it, but there are times I could use a second nurse aide and I'm not willing to jeopardize her health/safety. I need not prove anything to anyone for I and God knows I am human with limits and have reached my limit.

For point "B": Her quality of life varies from day to day and doesn't seem to be affected by "where" she's at or "who" she's around. Although I am about the only person who can get her to eat on a consistent basis, I have difficulty at times myself and she will eat little amounts for daycare personnel. She seems to enjoy daycare, even though it tires her. She went twice a week during the winter, and is up to 3-4 times a week now. Her good/bad days come regardless of whether she's there or here.

For point "C": She is much less communicative and must be fed everything from a cup. She most often will not even help hold the cup. She walks with significant assistance. All ADL's require complete assistance. She most often can't even take out her own teeth now. Her day consists of daycare, drinking fluids/food, transferring from wheelchair to recliner to bed to commode, much less walking/talking, and tends to fall asleep even sitting in her wheelchair at various times during the day.

She will probably be admitted into an ECF before mid July. This is the best, most educated, decision I can make at this time for everyone involved. When you're a caregiver, you tend to give of yourself to the point of neglecting yourself... or your family. I can tell you honestly this has happened to me over the last year on numerous occassions, even if I tried not to. I don't know why our loved ones have to suffer. I don't understand why some of them have to whither away to almost nothing, physically and mentally. These things fall on the just and unjust alike. Good people suffer just as bad people do. I do know God gave us intelligence for a reason. He put doctors here for a reason and gave us each talents. He expected us to use these resources to help each other, and He expects us to take care of not only our loved ones, but OURSELVES TOO.

At 40, I have a responsibility to my children and unborn child, my husband, my grandma, and myself. I am important to these people, so I need to take care of me or I may find myself with health problems and depart early from this life (which I do NOT intend to do). My grandma took care of her family and I will continue to do as much as I can for her. Someday she will depart this life and will be whole again in both mind and body, but for whatever reason, her job isn't done yet. Maybe God wants her to go to a nursing home and has a specific job for her there. Who knows.

For every caregiver out there, know that you can only do so much. Please don't kill the caregiver, for without you there is no helping your loved one, much less the other members in your family who need you just as much. Know your limit and think realistically. And instead of trying to do it all yourself or proving you can do it, trust that God can and will provide every need for you and your loved one, even if it means going into a nursing home. After all, He cares for the sparrow and knows when one falls, so how much more does He care for you and how much more will He provide for you, even if you fall??

May God grant you peace, wisdom and understanding and may He wipe away each tear you cry and replace it with the smile of rememberance.

CC

Aww Baby Happy Days!!! This is truly Mom working her magic for you! Bless her heart she was lookin after you making sure you and Gran and family have a wonderful and joyus Thanksgiving! Set a place of honor for mom too shes with you in spirit Babygirl!!! God Bless you and yours!
I cant wait to see the picture

I've got news! And I think it's all good! Our attorney filed a copy of the medical records with a memo stating the records showed I was providing good care and there was nothing unusual for an 84 year old lady. At the pretrial was the attorney for my aunt/uncle and the attorney who is the Guardian of Estate. (Remember, when I first went for guardianship I only got my grandma? Due to the family disputes, an attorney got guardianship of estate.) The Judge allowed all three of them to speak and then decided that, since my grandma is now in a new home and daycare program, he'd want the court investigator to make another visit and perhaps speak to her doctor. This is quite normal and I have no problems with it at all. The investigator will then file a report. The Judge's attitude appeared to be that he would not make any change unless the court investigator felt strongly that your grandmother needs to go into a nursing home. In any event, I would most likely remain guardian. Oh, and get this... the Guardian of Estate stated that, although he had little personal knowledge of the situation, it appeared to him that I cared very much about my grandmother's well being and spent a great deal of time and effort on her behalf.

Thank God! It's going to be a wonderful Thanksgiving! Blessings to all who've been praying for us. Thank you so much. Will update again and bookmark my website as I am going to add a four-generation picture soon. http://ccslittleark.com

CC I sit here with the biggest lump in my throat that Ive ever had... each time I read your posts I am floored by your compassion for others a quality that is lacking in many across the board today. You give me hope that there are others out there that will go the extra mile to make a persons day brighter. That we are not alone in our perserverence of good and kind gestures....hopefullly in the end this hardened woman will see that you only had the very best of intentions in all this, but for now shes just going to have to suck it up and watch from the sidelines and hopefully learn by example! She doesnt know you at all to be judge and jury to you is inconsiderate and unjustified....I hope you have a moment to speak freely about your gran to the Judge like what you have said here! This would be what makes him see that you only have grans best intrests at heart, her daughter on the other hand needs to hear this too she obviously has never had someone care for her in this way (other than this sweet lady you are now caring for) and has become bitter, resentful, and yes jealous...She needs to realize she paved this road herself... no one helped her do this.
For now just breath...God will take care of the rest for you baby! He knows.....If it doesnt work out the way you want just stay true to yourself and your God, he may have a different plan for all concerned here...you know deep down inside there are reasons for every little thing he does, you may not see it now but you will, I trust you know what I mean I on the other hand have faith so I am not in the least bit worried for you or your Gran. I believe strongly it will all work out sure there might be a little hiccup but thats to be expected, maybe a little trial period so the judge see's he is not making a mistake but dont take this personally or that he is siding with old evil auntie hes just covering his proverbial butt here....take heart baby! We'll all be sittin here waiting patiently till then!
Prayers for you and gran!

Bunnys_grl... thanks so much once again for tellin it like it is! Yes, we've got the records and all. I don't trust this woman at all. Until this happened, I still had a shred of hope that the family could work things out, but this was the last straw. I just want her to leave us alone. After I found out she had filed this thing, I cried for the remainder of that Friday. Saturday, the party day, was not fun either. My 18 year old was in tears prior to the party. No, I don't want her in my house. Time after time she's proven she can't be trusted, that all she tries to do is find any tiny thing to use against a person, even if it's not real!

Oh, that judge has to see her for the truth, doesn't he?? God, there must be justice somewhere! I try not to worry, but every day I find myself concerned, anxious, sad, mad, furious, and more. My grandma loves everyone, and of course her own children. A mother's love is a precious gift, not to be taken advantage of. We can't control the actions of her son or daughter. I really wish God would set things straight... my human side wants answers and results NOW.

One cousin popped in today unexpectedly. He didn't want to get involved... didn't want to hear anything. It made me sad. I think sometimes people mistake sadness for weakness or being stressed out. They don't understand that a person who is compassionate has a tender heart toward things. It's only when you become hardened that nothing penetrates, and I don't want to be like that. Sure, I have developed a "think skin", but I don't want it to be like an armadillo! This same cousin asked me if we had any plans for Christmas. I'm like, "ummm... are you kidding? With everything that's going on? I haven't even had a chance to think about the holidays." Can they be that naive?

My Holidays... well, the only thing I wanted prior to this was a fire in the fireplace, choc. chip cookies, and my grandma to eat well. Now I just want to know that she'll be safe with us.

In the past, our tradition has been to help with Thanksgiving Baskets (I'm the school coordinator for over 200 schools) and help deliver them (this year, there are 2000 baskets being made at my church, but I won't be helping deliver). We've then adopted at least 2 kids from Angel Tree... a late start this year, we may not be able to adopt any. The Angel Tree party has been a real joy to me since we deliver the gifts to the families who aren't able to make it. I won't be able to do the delivery this year but hope to help w/the party. Our church has a live nativity "Christmas Card", last year it was downtown. We've had the immense honor of helping with it in the past and hope to do it again this year. We've always baked for 3 days prior to Christmas and made tins of goodies for family, friends and neighbors. We're going to try to do it again, but it was always at my mom's house so it will be a bit lonely and bittersweet. We still plan on cutting down a live tree and decorating it with things my kids have made in the past. No, the decorations don't match and the tree doesn't look "perfect" to some, but it does to me. I may try to get out on Black Friday, if for no other reason than to see how many people are standing in lines. I enjoy looking for good deals just like anyone, but instead of grabing for something, I prefer to smile and show kindness. "Stuff" won't make you happy. It won't make the kids happy either. The kindness and love you give for free will give you something money can't buy and no one or nothing can take it away. What you get is something you take with you forever, unaffected by fire, wind, rust and time.

This is me. This is who I am. This is why I cry when I see how cruel people can be. Hate is beyond me. I don't want a part of it. Hate makes you ugly and old on the INSIDE... it makes your heart harden... it makes you bitter... it makes you miserable... it prevents you from sleeping at night... it prevents happiness. I'd rather know in my heart that I did the right thing. I can live with myself and can sleep well.

My grandma is about 4'8" now. She's about 124 lbs with white hair and blue eyes. She has wrinkles and one eye is smaller than the other. She was burned as a child but I've never honestly seen many scars although there may be a few. Years ago, she had a skin graft for nose cancer, so there's a slight line down her forhead. She's bent, sometimes almost at 90 degrees depending on if her back is acting up, when she stands. She may tend to sit cocked to one side. She speaks well and plain. She can write her name and reads well! Her eyesight is great. Her hearing is excellent! She knows and can sing every single church hymn and has a beautiful voice. I don't see her flaws. They all fade away due to the beauty she possesses on the inside. Her love for others, and her faith and trust in God. My prayer is to become the same type of woman my mother and grandmother were.

God will fight this battle for my grandma. He's never let her or us down yet. Oh, if only I was bigger... I'd knock the aunt out!

Will update soon.