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Originally posted by Jay12916:

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Originally posted by AmyC:
Hi all! I am at a loss here.

My dad is 81 years old and in poor health. His health problems include severe macular degeneration, heart disease, aneurysm in stomach, prostate cancer and high blood pressure. He has had four heart attacks, two strokes, pneumonia eight times and a broken hip. He also had a triple bypass about 20 years ago and surgery on the broken hip that he had in June 2004.

Amazingly enough, he still lives at home. My mother, who is 72 years old, has been caring for him. She tried to do this for a year, but since then, her health has declined quickly. She used to be very spry and mostly healthy, but due to the demands of taking care of my dad and an automobile wreck in November 2004, she is now getting sick more and more and has a litany of medical problems herself now.

Last Fall, we tried to get my dad in a nursing home, however, he is dead set against this. I initially felt guilty for trying to make him go into one, but I see now the toll it is taking on my mom and how dangerous it is for him to be home.

In the Fall, my mom had to call 911 several times. At one point, he wouldn't get out of bed or eat or drink anything. So, she called 911 and they hopitalized him in my parents' small-town hospital.

During this stay, my dad mentioned in front of a nurse that he wanted to commit suicide by starting his car in his garage. (My sister killed herself this way in February 2005.) This prompted the nurse and doctor to work together to get my dad placed in the psychiatric ward of a neighboring town's hospital for 1 week. Unfortunately, he fell there and broke his wrist and shoulder. They were able to convinve my dad to sign something that got him transfered to the small town nursing home while his broken bones healed. However, he refused to stay after the pins were taken out of his arm, and he was released to go home.

Mom and I pleaded with my dad at length to get him to stay. However, he is very stubborn. I myself wouldn't want to be in a nursing home, so I understand. However, I also understand that he thrived in the nursing home where he was getting better nutrition and around-the-clock care. He says he does not care about the emotional toll that his being at home takes on my mother or myself. He said he doesn't need any of us and that he can live on his own. Of course, this is not possible.

We also pleaded with his doctor, his psychiatrist and the nursing home social worker to work with us in getting my dad to stay at the nursing home. While they agreed that dad can't live at home, they say there is nothing they can do to make him stay.

Now, I am very concerned that something bad is going to happen to dad, mom or both of them. Dad still threatens suicide. He has also been verbally abusive to my mom. He even threatened her with a hammer one day and said that someone ought to "do her in." He blames her for my sister's suicide and for putting him in "that place" last Fall. I have told mom to lock her door at night (they sleep in separate rooms) and to keep a journal of all the things that happen.

Today, he even took off with his walker to walk to the gas station and ended up having to be driven home by the volunteer fire department because he couldn't walk back home.

Does anyone have any suggestions about what we can do? My parents live in a small town, so they don't have the resources that they would have in a larger community.

Mom and I spoke with a great elder care attorney in Kansas City (where I live), however, he said that dad could not be declared incompetent. And because of that, we can't force him into the nursing home.

Help! I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something really terrible could happen soon!

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Originally posted by angel0704:
Sometimes the granny will act so dang normal i start doubting my own mind!! And when she does something abnormal (even though its normal as far as the disease goes) then I just want to screammm.....SEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!????!!??? ITS NOT JUST MEEEE!!!!!!! lol

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Originally posted by Bunnys_grl:
Gotcha on the feet holdin thing! Its just that things have sorta calmed down here (for the moment i know) and peace for me is reining supreme! (hey ya gotta take advantage of the lil bits and pieces ya do get! )You know what I mean! I did how ever have a break through of some sort though...The doc asked her why she doesnt want to try to go to the bathroom on time and she said...(your gonna get a kick outta this) "the Blackbirds in the bathroom are cawing too loud and they scare me". to that the doc and I look at each other with this look (his was priceless! ) Mine was...OMG thank you! Finally she does something in front of someone that can recognize she has a problem!!
So this week I am feeling good! Hunny however...well you know that one he dont want to hear it! I think Im going to have to bite the bullet here and speak to him again as maybe he thinks when I get happy about something she did he takes the emotion behind it wrong he doesnt get that maybe the happiness is getting her diagnosed properly and medicated ...Im telling you takin care of a family member is alot different in some ways than taking care of a stranger. one word...eggshells...tread softly

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Amy, someone has misinformed you on that one. My mom lives with me and I drive, but she is considered homebound because SHE can't drive and get HERSELF around. Without those other folks taking him, your dad is homebound. The doc's office should know this; if they do not, they are cheating a lot of their patients out of needed care and benefits!! Home health is also ordered and paid for by Medicare when a person needs assistance - with bathing, medications, changing dressings, rehabbing, monitoring vital signs, etc. It is MOST especially used for exactly the circumstances your parents live in - elderly and need a LOTTA help!

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We had found out that Medicare would pay for home health visits, but Dad would have to be considered home bound. All his life, his hobby was to drive around. Now that he can't drive, he still gets people in the town as well as my mom and myself to take him places. There is also a country music show that he goes to every week that he refuses to miss. Because of these things, they won't consider him home bound.

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Mom has started getting daily meals delivered to their house for only $3 per meal. Unfortunately, Dad doesn't want anything to do with them because he said they can't afford them. (This is not true, and it is statements like this that convince me that he has lost his ability to reason.) At least Mom is getting the right nutrition at this point, but we still need to work on Dad.