Would love to hear your advice and "had I but known" experiences!

My 80-y/o mother is in generally good physical health. She had memory loss and significant loss of executive function but was otherwise OK until about two months ago. She had always thought she'd live with my brother if/when she became physically frail, but as it turns out the issue is really her mental decline.

In the last couple of months she has rapidly slid into full-blown dementia, including hallucinations, repetitive behavior, agitation, not recognizing her own home and bathroom, confusing her CGs with me, etc., etc.

She can no longer live alone and we can't afford to continue the 24/7 care she's currently getting.

So the next big conversation she and I will be having is the one about moving to an AL facility with a dementia unit.

Based on all my talking/reading, there seem to be two major approaches to dicussing this change with her:

1) tell her she cannot physically be in the house for awhile due to home repair or similar reasons

2) tell her that she can get special care there that we can't give her at home

I'm familiar with "therapeutic fibbing" and have no problem with it. However, my real goal is to have as low-key a conversation with her as possible about this.

She fixates on things so I hope to avoid making a big deal out of this if at all possible (for example, before I realized how much she had slipped mentally, I told her that we couldn't afford the 24/7 caregivers indefinitely - bad idea!)

What I'd really appreciate hearing about is:

1) which approach you took

2) how well it worked

3) how your LO/PWD responded (what objections, questions, concerns they had)

4) what you now wish you had done differently

Many, many thanks for the wonderful support you provide. I've spent hours reading through these forums and hope I can handle this with as much grace and patience as so many of you have and do.

Lucy

Welcome LucyLucy and Trying2,

Sounds like you both came here at the perfect time!

I think Trying2 gave you a great answer, LucyLucy. Also, I'm glad you have a good handle on therapeutic fibbing. You will need this talent.

Just wanted to welcome you both and say how wonderful the timing. Thanks Tryiing2!

You bring up a good point, trying2. An assisted living memory care unit is NOT a "nursing home."

In some respects, they may have more privacy and opportunities for "independence" than at home with an attendant hovering 24/7 because the facility is able to make the environment itself safe.

HI! I have been lurking around the site for a while and have come across so much helpful info in dealing with the emotional aspects of a LO with dementia and ALZ. My Mom is 84 yrs old and had a traumatic head injury about 3 yrs ago.
She tripped over her shoes and hit her head on a vaporizor! She had emergency surgery to remove the hematoma. Amazing that she lived. She now has some physical limitations- walks with a walker and limited motion of her arms. She has mild to mod dementia- depending on the day and time. Evenings she can be quite fuzzy. We did move her out of her home after my father passed away (about 1 1/2 yrs ago). She had 24/7 care but did not have any stimulation and basically watched TV all day. We moved her in with family for 7mo's to determine what she was physically and mentally capable of doing. Turns out much more than we expected. She became more active and engaged with life. This was only a temporary solution and we ended up moving Mom out east to an AL facility to be in the same town as my family. Mom has always been independent and her goal was to never interfere or meddle. So, when we first discussed AL we discussed it only as her own apartment with people to assist only if she needed help. We had to get past her fear of going to a nursing home- so we never used that word and tried to explain she was not going to a nursing home- when it became a point of focus. We focused on her getting her own apartment and being next to and part of her youngest daughters' (me!) family, and she would be in an area that would be easy for the other kids to visit. All five of her "children" were supportive and spoke of her moving into her own apartment in a positive manner. Mom has adjusted really well. She is involved with activities at her apartment and we keep her involved with family activities. She has recently made a friend to pal around with!- and this also helps a lot.

I think the most important thing is to do your research thoroughly. Visit, research, ask lots of questions, visit again and again, ask friends and doctors opinions- when you are looking for the right place. There are many out there- some not so good, some mediocre, and there are some that are really good facilities. We found one that has many good activities, small enough to not get lost in the shuffle, and great staff. This does have it's own stresses of watching over the staff, making sure things get done that need to, and not knowing their "secret life" when you are not around. Which can be true of inhome care also. It's good to cultivate some good relationships with people that can keep an eye on things. It is also very important that Mom knows and is made to feel she will be part of your family and involved- not an outsider invited in occasionally.

Sorry for the length. But all I can come up with for now.

In our case, the doctor put her into the hospital for tests and then transferred her to the SNF directly from the hospital. She thought she was still in the hospital, so ... She'll still have an unusually lucid day and talk about when she gets out of the hospital and gets to go back to her apartment. (She had been in assisted living in a private apartment, which is another long story.)

The SNF did permit her to take physical therapy, at least for a while. That kept her pretty calm for a while because she had a goal: to be able to walk with her walker again. (The doctor, PT, et al didn't really think this was an attainable goal, but gave her the opportunity to try. If anything can be accomplished simply by strong will and orneriness, she would be the one to do it.) But most of the time she wasn't even with it enough to cooperate with the therapy. Then she another stroke.

That was about 18 months ago. Some days she's more content than others. Antidepressants and visits from a geriatric psychologist have helped some, at least to level out her mood swings somewhat. When she's lucid enough to know that she isn't going "home" she also understands that she can't take care of herself. But it's the physical disability she credits; she acknowledges that she forgets things but truly has no idea yet how impaired cognitively she is.

She knows (most of the time) that she no longer has her apartment -- we explained that she couldn't afford both an apartment and her room at the same time -- and that her belongings are in storage. These were both true. And she believes that once she's better, she can get another apartment. (And, if she did by some miracle recover, certainly we wouldn't leave her in the SNF.) We can understand that to be an impossibility, but we don't figure it hurts her to have hope and a goal. We don't encourage it, but don't discourage it either.

Lucy, Lucy, good morning and welcome.
The symptoms you have described are ones most have exoerienced.
For me, the only thing that helped this behavior was medicine, but not a dosage that made them a zombie.
It makes me so sad to read another is afflicted with dementia.I ask my self each day, when will it stop.We are loosing the best of the best to demntia and other diseases.Loosing loved ones to care facilities , which is more sad,
Sorry you are unable to have the care for mom out side of a facility.Too bad the funds are not provided that would allow you and others to keep a loved one at home and take the huge profit from the so called care facilities.
Sitting down with mom is not going to be easy.The worst fear of our elders is to know they will spend their lasy years in a building with no real meaning .
Does she have a gheratric doctor.They are best qualifies to determine the course to take.
What ever you choose I hope it resolves itself in a way she and you can be happy