I was going to post this over at the Anger Wall, but I'm taking a deep breath instead.

*deep breath*

According to Mom's docs, the medical personnel over at ADC, and a lot of soul-searching on our part, it's basically time to place Mom.

I did as much "homework" as I could with my work schedule -- together hubby and I visited some of the area NHs that have ALZ programs. We asked the pertinent questions, we took tours, we even stopped in on a couple unannounced to see the "real deal", if you know what I mean.

We narrowed the choices down to two. One program is within the NH attached to the ADC; the other is run by the same company and is located closer to my work. I submitted the applications. According to the ADC, Mom's at the top of the wait list because she's already "in the system" -- I don't need to put her in the hospital prior because ADC has already evaluated her.

Fine and dandy. Except for one thing: There is a 6 MONTH WAIT MINIMUM at both NHs.

We're literally tearing out hair out. Now, before anyone thinks we're being heartless, selfish, etc., let me explain.

Mom, of course, now requires more specialized care. Her new care plan includes an afternoon companion with some medical training -- not necessarily a home health aide because we do her ADLs, but someone who's trained in incontinence care, knows how to use a gait belt, a wheelchair, and whatever else that may crop up. Medicaid approved this still-unknown aide for ONE HOUR FOUR DAYS A WEEK. That's it. The case manager continually contacts all the area agencies for this unknown aide, but so far, zilch.

There's been hinting around re hubby that perhaps he should no longer care for Mom the way he has been, with the incontinence and other needs that, despite his knowledge, he has no experience in. He finally admitted that it's true -- he can only do so much, and perhaps his caretaking duties are dwindling.

But back to the 6 months' wait thing. I've been going over the places we didn't choose again and again, thinking that perhaps I should submit an application, the wait won't be as long, and I could always transfer Mom when her name comes up. I really don't want to do either, though. I didn't choose those places for a number of reasons. I also want her to "stay put" once she's somewhere. I've been thinking of widening the search...never mind that I have barely enough time to eat a meal, never mind go on a NH hunt again, and all I can think of is 1) the traffic if I placed her closer to Boston, or 2) the mileage if I placed her south of where I work , which is going toward Cape Cod. Neither really appeals to me.

I don't know. I just don't know *shaking head*

quote:

Originally posted by Bobcat:
Hi , Embersmom, how is the search going? That is the problem with high standards and love in your heart. You want the best without giving up location so you can personally keep an eye on things with lots of visits. Nothing less would suit me either, but I know there are a few choices around here that would do in a serious crunch, Any of these other places look promising for the short run??
Thinking about you. Bobcat

Awww...*blush*

Nope, haven't started looking yet. I think I'm more married to my job than to my husband *sigh* My only day off this week is tomorrow. Sleep!

One of the NH that didn't make my "top" list could do in a pinch. It's in the next town over, the director of the ALZ program there does a lot of work with the local ALZ Association (she's a frequent public speaker at the area COAs as well as at some of the universities), the place itself scores near perfect marks on the regional and national accreditations...the only reason why it didn't make the top of the list is because it's a very genteel, quiet place. Everything reeks of money (a number of their patients are quite wealthy), activities are many but quiet, and it seemed as though everyone was off in their own little world.

It's so different from the NH Attached to the ADC! The ALZ program there is lively -- they go on field trips, there's always a game going on, lots of laughter, hugs, and conversation. One thing that ALZ has done to Mom is made her a social butterfly -- she loves nothing better than to make friends and play simple games and sing. I'm afraid she'd stick out like a sore thumb at the NH I mentioned above. Then again, maybe they need someone like here...I don't know!

The wait at this particular NH would be roughly a month. <i>That</i> is what's causing me to think twice. I don't know, though. I just don't.

Hi , Embersmom, how is the search going? That is the problem with high standards and love in your heart. You want the best without giving up location so you can personally keep an eye on things with lots of visits. Nothing less would suit me either, but I know there are a few choices around here that would do in a serious crunch, Any of these other places look promising for the short run??
Thinking about you. Bobcat

I was speaking with Mom's neuro doc about all this the other day. She said the length of the wait isn't unusual around here because 1) it's for a specialized program, and 2) unfortunately, not every NH has a separate program.

I found out about #2 soon afterward. I did a lot of online research and combed through the phone books. Turns out that where I have Mom wait-listed are the best places in the area. That would also explain the wait.

Anyway, neuro doc gave the the name of 3 places closer to her office. One of them was praised highly by a coworker who'd placed his brother there. I don't know about the other two.

*sigh* Guess what I'll be doing during my vacation in a couple of weeks?

One of my neighbors had a spare room that they traded to a nusing student for certain hours of care. But that would only work if a) you have a spare room, and b) there isa nursing program nearby. More straws I am grabbing at.

Em, please don't feel selfish about this decision. I truely hope I can be realistic about what I can and can't do as the need arises. When we get beyond our abilities our LOs suffer for it as well as our selves.
They estimate the time and try to be realistic about when there will be an opening, but they can never know precisely when a space will be available next. Unfortunately, it depends on when a current resident will die.
One hour 4x/ week is very little relief. You need much more.
We don't get any help from medicare or medicaid for Mom, but she is still fairly well off.
In the short run, is there any chance that one of the people at the ADC would like a "side job"? Sorry, I'm grabbing at straws here, 6 months is a long time under these circumstances. You are doing a great job here of trying to do what is right for your Mom. So is your Hubby. I don't know why, but being realistic so often brings on feelings of quilt or inadequacy. We want so badly to be superpeople for our LOs, when we are only human.

Embersmom. I'm sorry you are going through this. 6 months is a long time to wait. One hour, 4 days a week is nothing. I also understand about not wanting to place her in one place then another. Will the daycare still able to take your mom? I know when they stopped with my mom it was hard and we had to get the live in for when I worked. Take it slow and I hope that

Em while I dont know what to tell you on the NH situation (but many others here can) what I want to say to you is stop beating yourself up you are not being selfish or heartless! Never...this is your mom and your recognizing the limitations in the quality of care you and hunny can realistically give to her...theres no shame in that.
Caregiving is hard work there is no doubt as people have attested to here.
You are being responsible with your moms care and do not have to justify that to anyone here, we know where you are coming from and support you... always know that