My mom is new in the NH and I don't want to make waves, but they upped one of my mom's medications and didn't tell me. They increased her Effexor on the 6th by 50 mg and since that time she has fallen three times (the last time she got hurt), has complained of dry mouth, her memory has gotten significantly worse, and she can't figure out how to even turn the TV on and off. I asked to see her charts, but they made a big deal out of that, so I finally was able to find out tonight from her nurse exactly what meds she is on and the doses and asked point blank whether there had been any changes since she had been admitted, that's when I found this out. I told her to hold the AM dose until I speak to the doctor (the doctor is pretty elusive, so if I don't say hold the dose, I don't know when she'll contact me).

The nurse said that my mom hasn't complained about anything and that I should tell my mom to tell the nurses when something is wrong. I told her that the reason my mom is in there is because she has no short term memory so I can certainly tell her to tell the nurses, but she won't remember.

I asked her if she noticed that my mom wasn't watching TV any more. She told me my mom doesn't watch TV. I told her my mom watches TV from 7 PM to 8 PM every single night like clockwork. She didn't know this and she's my mom's evening nurse!

Any advice on how to monitor things without getting the doctor and nurses upset? I believe I should be told when her medications are changed as I have Power of Attorney and have her Healthcare Proxy. Should I talk to the Director of Nurses, the Social Worker, or someone else? Thanks so much.

Thanks for the sympathy. I'll take it, but I'm really feeling okay, today at least. My mom's taken a downturn at the NH, unfortunately, which kind of puts the marriage stuff in the background. My dad has had a really bad cold and hasn't been able to visit my mom for a week. During that time she got really down and stopped taking her normal amount of Ensure (the only nutrition she gets, she doesn't eat). It affected her short-term memory and she didn't even realize he had visited her today. Now that my dad is able to visit her each day again, I'm hoping she'll start drinking more of the Ensure. It was pretty scary as he had just been there an hour before I arrived and she didn't remember him being there and asked me when she would see him again as it had been a long time since she saw him.

Oh Girl do I know this one! Im chucklin but I know its not funny when your in the midst of it!
Every little point you hit on hunny and I have been through even the sex part. So not funny at all...As long as your ok thats all that matters to me cause I hate hearing you all down in the dumps!

Well, I'll be the first to admit that my marriage is an odd one. We haven't had sex in five years. We are better than good friends, we are more like brother and sister, but no, there's not much romantic or sexual interest here anymore. At my age, I don't even want it now, so finally we're at the same level. Weird though, I finally meet the guy who really turns me on emotionally, physically and mentally and both of us are now beyond the point of doing anything about it.

No, there's no point in going away on vacation. We've done that in the past, nothing happens (we just get deeper in debt), and my hopes get built up and dashed.

The relationship is what it is. It's good enough. I'm not about to start dating. I love him and we enjoy each other's company. As we enter our senior years together, that's about the best we can expect anyways.

It could have been different if we hadn't been overwhelmed with caregiving duties from the start, but it took the romance and sex right out of the relationship and put us into "mom and dad" roles right away -- no honeymoon.

Relationships have a lifecycle and certain things have to happen at certain times. You can't go back and create a honeymoon stage when you've moved into the feeling comfortable "like old socks" stage.

I wish things could be different, but I'm a realist. I get my satisfactions in life from knowing that I helped his four grandkids (and have a really good relationship with the oldest two who lived with us) and from knowing I was the best daughter my mom and dad could have had and from the work I do with my community and my real estate clients.

Most of the time it's enough, but sometimes, you know, you realize what you could have had and don't. I know you know what I'm talking about. I'm not alone here. We're all going through some version of this.

I have great faith in GailSusan's ability to sort her way through her difficulties and decide what is most meaningful to her and how to balance her life and marriage. Everyone has opinions of what marriage *should* be, but the only opinions that truly matter are those of the parties involved. I know that she will make the best decisions for her life when the time is right for her to make them.

I agree completely with you Mae point for point. I remember something, maybe a little selfish but at the same time wise, a woman posed a question to me when I allowed my mom to get between my relationship with my hunny...She told me while she realizes that I love and respect my mom at the end of the day there is only one person who I live the rest of my life with and that is my husband. Is that selfish? Maybe a little but at the same time your honoring a promise made...something that is sorely lacking in the world today, commitment...
I get that these are our parents but if they were fully aware of what was going on and the strain they were causing to the likes of people like us who go that extra mile to assure health safety and an abundance of love to ensure their LO's comfort they would tell any of us we were crazy for the sacrifice. That we needed to step back and take care of ourselves and our own relationships to ensure *their* health.
Sometimes we nurture a relationship entirely too much to the demise of another.
Is that right? No but it happens everyday. A loving friend or LO will point it out at the risk of being in the dog house with them...
I thank the heavens above someone gave me a good and well deserved kick in the pants when I stumbled.

when it comes down to it we, as caregivers, are placed in the most heart wrenching positions.Torn between those we love .How do we choose.Is there a way to resolve this that will make me happy.Will the end justify the means.Do I feel I have to sacrifice one for another.Very difficult situation to have to deal with.
Just remember any choice you make has to be about you and what you want and need to feel complete.Just do not use guilt when making a decision.
I am so glad I do not have to be concerned about maintaining a relationship.Too much work and decision making.

Gail I just finally saw this posting and am so sorry whats going on here with you and your husband...Ive been here where you are. I felt exactly how you feel and then some. My heart was broken and my marriage dam near ended...Good thing we didnt let pride stand in the way of sanity and correcting what was wrong on BOTH of our parts.
The first question Im gonna ask you is this, Do you feel you and your husband are friends?
If so thats a start.
Now Im sorry Gail truly I am, this is time for a little blunt honesty and pull no punches talk.
If you love this man then great if not the door swings wide open if you think its time to make that break then do it, leave.
If you love him then fight for him and stop acting defeated like theres nothing left to fight for. It takes 2 to tango in a relationship neither one of you are innocent here isnt that right? Honesty time Gail. Dont jump on me Im reading it all right here you are allowing yourself to be pulled in all directions while your husband waits for some attention thats what Im reading here and now hes B**chin because hes not getting the attention, yes? Then you respond in kind... You have to take care of this and that, no one can survive without you, the list goes on.
When did you start to believe the BS that CG dictates your life....it doesn't, it never has, you dictate your own life because no one has that power but you.
You have got to step back put your foot down and say to the entire world thats at your doorstep ENOUGH! Back off I need some space.
Why am I saying this, why so harsh? Because baby if you allow this to go any further your going to end up alone...Is that what you really want? Is that what your parents wanted for you?
Im sorry I dont believe for one moment that your parents want you to be this miserable or to sacrifice your happiness for one moment in THEIR NAMES. Thats not what any parent...let me correct myself..Any loving parent wants for their child.
And that friend, dont feel anger towards her she lost her parents she is grieving the loss, but when they were here how did she really act towards them? I suspect the same way you feel at times, impatient, frustrated, hating being put in the role of CG. Shes operating on the feelings of loss nothing more. She is now at the stage of appreciating them and missing them and reacts towards you like your the bad guy here, that your not loving and appreciating your parents like you should...probably a little regret on her part here.
Gail place everyone you care for right now somewhere other than your home, your dad needs to be with his wife/your mom, take your husband by the hand and take a vacation somewhere, sit down and talk like husband and wife not caregiver and tenant. Really talk. Find out what you both want out of this relationship once and for all. No pride, no fighting, just talk truth. No matter what he says to you even if it hurts these are his feelings and you need to listen as well as he needs to listen to you. See if this marriage is worth saving.
If it is then you know what you have to do. Stop trying to be all things to all people.
If you wanna fry me for this Gail Im ok with that hell I hated it when my own mom pointed out my failings in my marriage and she was a three timer herself but there was wisdom there I could not refute for one moment. Just think on it Gail I hope you can work this out.

Hi,
My mother and I had a similar problem while my father was in hospital with a stroke. One thing that we found to help, but I don't know if its a possibility for you, is to get a PSW (Personal Support Worker) to attend your mom from time to time. My thought is with a PSW onsite helping your mom you send a message to the NH's staff and administration that you are paying attention to what is going on with your mom and are not happy with their care of her. Strategically talk to the Social Worker to ask her if she feels a PSW would be helpful ... this will open the door for you to have a frank discussion with a person who should be the advocate for your mom among the NH's organization.

As the staff will notice the PSW, and if you chose the right PSW, the interaction between your PSW and the staff will be very clear. IE. you tell your PSW very clearly that you've engaged her to help your mom in the short-term because you're not sure how well she's settling ... itemize why you feel she's not settling well in this NH ... elusive staff and apparent lack of attention to detail ... all these details will filter down. But hopefully the discussion with the Social Worker will abrogate the need for you to hire a PSW.

Good luck.

quote:

Originally posted by GailSusan:
My mom is new in the NH and I don't want to make waves, but they upped one of my mom's medications and didn't tell me. They increased her Effexor on the 6th by 50 mg and since that time she has fallen three times (the last time she got hurt), has complained of dry mouth, her memory has gotten significantly worse, and she can't figure out how to even turn the TV on and off. I asked to see her charts, but they made a big deal out of that, so I finally was able to find out tonight from her nurse exactly what meds she is on and the doses and asked point blank whether there had been any changes since she had been admitted, that's when I found this out. I told her to hold the AM dose until I speak to the doctor (the doctor is pretty elusive, so if I don't say hold the dose, I don't know when she'll contact me).

The nurse said that my mom hasn't complained about anything and that I should tell my mom to tell the nurses when something is wrong. I told her that the reason my mom is in there is because she has no short term memory so I can certainly tell her to tell the nurses, but she won't remember.

I asked her if she noticed that my mom wasn't watching TV any more. She told me my mom doesn't watch TV. I told her my mom watches TV from 7 PM to 8 PM every single night like clockwork. She didn't know this and she's my mom's evening nurse!

Any advice on how to monitor things without getting the doctor and nurses upset? I believe I should be told when her medications are changed as I have Power of Attorney and have her Healthcare Proxy. Should I talk to the Director of Nurses, the Social Worker, or someone else? Thanks so much.

quote:

Originally posted by mae:
Gail Susan, even with long time marriages it puts a strain.Women are always placed in the worst positions.Not enough of us to go around .

A hearty amen to that.

Gail Susan, even with long time marriages it puts a strain.Women are always placed in the worst positions.Not enough of us to go around .

Hi Mae & Torp,

We've been through marital counseling. Yes, it helped, but not enough. There is nothing to be done about the stresses and strains, it's just the way it is and we'll get through it, but the timing of all these stresses was unfortunate. We've been together seven years now, married for two next month. I wish life had worked out differently, but we just were thrown into caregiving situations that overwhelmed the relationship from Day One.

Gail Susan, T.O.R.P. is right.Possibly counciling can help.When you have the love it may be worth trying all avenues to bring back the passion.
Is hubby the kind of person opened to such.Are you able to sit down and communicate with him what you are feeling ?Share with him how you are torn between 2 people who you love.Only being married for 2 years a;;ows plenty of room to have a new bonding.

quote:

Originally posted by GailSusan:

He's compassionate and helpful, but it's the level of emotional intimacy that I need where he falls short. The maddening thing is that I know we could have a wonderful relationship if I didn't have all this stress in my life and could focus more of my attention on him, but as it is I can't give him what he needs, so he can't give me what I need.

You know, this is an area where couples counselling can really help. Belive me, I think we can all relate to the affect that caregiving stress has on marital intimacy. This thing about it is that you both have to go into it with the understanding that you are there to work on yourself; your spouse is there to work on himself; both of you can end up with a greater and deeper intimacy than even before.

And getting respite help on a regular basis to enable us to take a nekkid weekend never hurt a marriage either. Don't look at it as something for him; you could have a lot of fun!

MB & Mae, First of all, thank you so much. I lvoe your honesty. It's like talking to my best friend, or rather like my best friend used to be like to talk to, she's made herself scarce, too. She's jealous that my parents are still alive and her's are gone. She doesn't get my griping.

Yes, my husband is the "Italian prince". His dad worked as a baker, but scraped up every penny to send his brilliant youngster to a very expensive private school and then on to university. He went on to become wealthy in his 20's and 30's with his best friends and a brother as business partners. He hung out at Studio 57 in Manhattan and dated models. His first wife still adores him and idolizes him (he had a son by her so, we see her from time to time), she makes no bones about the fact she still loves him. So, to make a long story short, yep, he's spoiled rotten.

However, when his second wife was dying of breast cancer he took wonderful care of her and he kept his promise to her to look after the four grandchildren she was raising. I helped him fulfill that promise and now he's helping me fulfill my need to take care of my parents. He realizes it's the right thing to do and he's okay with it. The obligation isn't the problem. He's right there with me and he helps out with my business and the housework. He never says no when I ask for his help. He's a great partner in that way.

It's just that with all the pressures and all the stress I'm under and my poor health, has created a situation where the romantic part of our relationship got short circuited. His wiring is apparently very delicate and he can't get those romantic feelings back.

Yes, it is a failing on his part, not my part, but it's tough because I love him and want him to love me back. I should have fallen in love with a stronger person, but I didn't. Love just happens. You can't control it. I'm way too old to start over. This is marriage #3 and this is it for better or for worse. First husband was physically abusive and second husband was gay, so in comparison what am I complaining about?

He has a need to be pampered and that's just part of the way he's built. His mom, his family, his girlfriends and his wives all waited on him hand and foot. Yes, it's time for him to grow up, but at 67, will he?

My dad would never let his MIL move into the house. And, when I got past the age of 4, he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't want to take on the responsibilities of a parent, so my mom basically raised me, even though my dad lived in the same house. In comparison, at least my husband lets my dad live here and never shirked his duty of raising his grandkids.

He's compassionate and helpful, but it's the level of emotional intimacy that I need where he falls short. The maddening thing is that I know we could have a wonderful relationship if I didn't have all this stress in my life and could focus more of my attention on him, but as it is I can't give him what he needs, so he can't give me what I need.

Gail Susan, their have many who have come to this forum who have been put in your situation.Husband none cooperative and more then a few were forced to chose between their husband or a loved one.
Not a good experience when you are trying to be there for them both
Some men, just some men , are like children.They have to have all attention on them.They cannot see past their nose.
I know many believe hubby comes first but I have to believe marriage is a joint venture and you support one another.I would guess women are more understanding then men.Many men were have never experienced inconvenience.Hell we women deal with it all the time.I wonder if we become an extension of their mothers first and a wife second.
Of course it is not easy.All the plans are put on hold.All those sexy nights are put on hold.But if they would chip in and help in some way things could balance out.They so seldom know how to do multi tasking.
The age of the couple comes to play also.When you have not had a chance to truly bond as man and wife that is hard.BUT LIFE IS ALWAYS THROWING A CURVE BALL.

quote:

It's really sad the toll this has taken on my marriage. Our two year anniversary is next month, but there's not much of a marriage left, I'm sorry to say.

GailSusan, it takes TWO mature motivated individuals to make a marriage. To be perfectly honest, although I do not expect my husband to get "into" all this eldercare as deeply as I am, I DO expect him to support me in this exceptional period of my life. If he can't or won't, I would consider his behavior a lesson and also a deal-breaker. When I said "for better or for worse," I have been there and risen to every occasion. With minor exception, I have never let the man down. I refuse to accept anything less from my PARTNER. I think it's time for you to quit beating yourself up and apologizing for the disruption... either that man loves you and wants to support you through ANYTHING, or he doesn't. And a "doesn't" doesn't belong in your life! You deserve more than you are getting in this deal... sounds like he's just "riding" and becoming a source of guilt and an energy vampire. No matter HOW wonderful he was at first, if he can't ride through storms like this without becoming an anchor, cut him loose.

What has happened is not a "toll" on your marriage, rather his lack of character is showing and you are becoming unable to ignore the threadbare fabric any longer. It's high time you sat down with him and told him point blank that he is letting YOU down! He's a grown man - time you stopped 'carrying" him like a fragile basket of eggs. Wonder how well he'd care for you if something happened...

The NH is being really good now about notifying me when one of the doctors wants to change her meds. I think we're working as a team finally.

As for the personal exhaustion part, it's gotten worse. I tried taking up yoga, but had to drop the class as I wasn't up to it. I'm getting discouraged and down. It's really sad the toll this has taken on my marriage. Our two year anniversary is next month, but there's not much of a marriage left, I'm sorry to say. It is a sad feeling when you are married and feel all alone. I just give and give and give, but there is no replenishment from any source.

GailSusan,
Perhaps you've already resolved your mom's medication issue. If not, I suggest that you:
1- Contact the pharmacy to ask about
(A) side effects of the medications prescribed and
(B) how each medication should be monitored to ensure that it is at a "therapeutic" level. (Not all medications can be monitored in with lab tests, but some can.)
2- If you are noticing changes in your mom, make a note of what you see, what time, date, and who else was present (nurse aides on duty, nurse on duty, other visitors, et al).
3 - Explain to the home that you understand that there are confidentiality requirements and commend them that they are cautious about who sees her records. Explain why you are authorized to see these records.Make sure that you have a signed consent form that authorizes you to see your mom's medical records - e.g. if she can authorize this, you need her signature but, if not, and if you are her durable power of attorney for healthcare, your signature may be appropriate.
I hope this is helpful!

Mae, One thing I learned from managing the care of my quadrapelegic granddaughter is that churches don't provide any help at all. I wrote to every one of them and the most we ever got was a care package of food. There is no one to take over or help -- no friends, neighbors, or relatives. We're on our own here. My granddaughter now lives with relatives in Pennsylvania who have a large extended family and family members who are nurses, so that combined with the paid aides are enabling her to have a much better life than she had here.

With my parents there is no one but me (only child) and my husband, but I need to be careful not to ask too much of him as our marriage is shaky.

Ms. Liza, Thank you for your words of inspiration. I know I am doing all I can as my mom says to me each time I see her, "You are the best daughter in the world." When the time comes I do know that I will have done my best. I needed very much to hear that right now at this low ebb. Thank you.