Hello, I am new to having to care for a single elder parent. Could those of you with experience please tell me which of these options you would choose. I am lucky to have these options, but I just don't know what's best in the long run. I moved across the country last year to take care of my mom while she was ill, and I was lucky I could telecommute as a visitor at another office. I no longer can be at this visitor office (my host left), so now I have to work at home. I have the choice to:
1. Live near my dad and telecommute across the country to work.
2. Move across the country to where my job actually is and leave my dad where he is.

My dad is 72, healthy but slowing down, but otherwise he can take care of himself. He is just lonely and doesn't take social initiative. Relatives live nearby in the city where he lives.

I am 41 and anxious to meet a guy and start my own family before it is too late, as I already had the past couple of years disrupted by my mom's illness. If I stay near my dad and telecommute from home, I am isolated all day. If I move across the country for my job, then there would be a lot expensive flying back and forth (I think I can afford 3 times a year), and I can't afford a large enough place for him to stay with me for long visits. I do not want to spend the next year moving my dad, because I need to focus on getting my own life in order before I'm too old.

From your experience, does it save you more stress to live closer to the parent but have less of your own life, or is it better to have the distance and more of your own life and just let the otherwise healthy parent be lonely? Or does the long distance stress impact you too much? Thank you everybody for your insights. I'm not as in dire a position as the most of you, but I don't want to let the wrong decision ruin my ability to have my own family.

This website gives you the option of inputting the area you want to search and it looks up the senior's homes in the area. It might help you find some in New York.
http://www.aplaceformom.com/
It says it's a free service but it asks you to type in your name/phone number/e-mail. I always type in fake stuff (I usually tell these things that my name is Homer Simpson).

I applaud you for being so honest.I do know the more stimuls a person gets the better they do.
Hopefully, you will find a place that would be good for dad and allow you to move forward.

Dear gs and Sister Awake,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies! (This website is a real blessing!).
My father is healthy and strong and doesn't need relatives to *visit* him, but he does need people to do things with. He needs social activities rather than assistance. He's basically a single man who doesn't feel comfortable with most people and never keeps in touch with friends. The relatives are a great help (average 1-2 mahjong games per week), but they can't always include him in everything. Should I consider this adequate, and even though he's lonely the rest of the week, he at least has that? I don't know what is at least healthy enough vs. dangerously too little social interaction.

My main problem is that I'm 41 and don't want to spend the next year or two trying to move my dad, either to a retirement community near the relatives (Irvine, CA), or to New York City (where my job is). The last two years were spent taking care of my mom, and I don't want to spend the next two years getting my dad adjusted. Moving him would mean down-sizing a house of 30 years to fit into a small apartment and visiting places for him to live, and that would take the whole next year away from me, and then another year to get used to a new lifestyle. If I were 5 years younger and not an only child (my older sister died at 19), I would not be feeling so desperate. He is willing to move, but I want desperately to settle into a social life and focus on dating, since I've been uprooted every year for the past 3 years. He is on the waiting list for places near Irvine (independent living, he doesn't need assistance), and we checked out Flushing, NY, where there are a lot of Chinese people (the only retirement home there, though, is very expensive and all-white). There is pleasant *affordable* senior housing in NY that is nicely ethnically mixed, but one has to be a NY resident already to get in. I don't think it's a good option for him to move to any apartment in NY, but he needs to move into a community situation. If anyone knows of good, mixed, affordable retirement communities for independent living in either the New York City (maybe even New Jersey close to NY) or Irvine, CA, area, please let me know -- I think I've scoured the options, but maybe there are more I don't know of -- I didn't find any mainly Chinese places in NY.
Sigh, I'm lucky to have these options at all; I just don't want to lose the next year again or move again for another 2-3 years at least. If my dad could leave me free for just the next 1-2 years so that I can get my own life set up, that's what I wish for. Can a senior person survive on phone calls and 1-2 activities per week, occasionally missing a week (sitting reading the newspaper the rest of the time alone)? I know of a hospital that offers a volunteer service to give seniors a check-up call each day, so my very healthy dad who can drive is not doing so bad having a daughter to call him 2-3 times a day, is he? Thanks, I suppose I make the situation seem more foggy the more I write, but you all help tremendously going over ideas, thank you!

I think it is a mistake to give up your whole life. You can make your dad happy and still have a life of your own. If he can afford it, assisted living can be a great option, as many are beautiful and have a good social component. They are not like an institution. You may want to consider a care manager to help out if your are long distance. They will oversee everything. You can find a care manager at www.caremanger.org

Some friends of mine are Chinese, and have found a retirement home/assisted living facility with mostly Chinese residents. My grandmother is on a waiting list for a facility with mostly German residents. You've said your dad will move if you move; can you do some research and find out if there are any mostly Chinese residences near where you'd like to move? He might get so involved with new friends that you'd have the security of being close, but have some space too.

What about your relatives? You've said there are some near where he is currently living. Do they provide any support, or could they visit more frequently at least for the first year that you will be living in another town? If so, could you move, take a year to get settled in to your new town, and tell Dad to take that year to go through his things and see what he wants to bring with him if he still wants to move at the end of that year?

Thanks so much for your kind responses.
My mom and I both failed to get my dad involved in social activities, because he gets easily disenchanted with people (e.g. he dropped out of activities at the senior center, doesn't like being the only single man his generation at church, got bored with tai chi, is not community service-minded at all, etc.). My mom had to keep her own social life to keep sane (they did not get along). He is doing better now, because relatives and their friends have started to have more frequent mahjong games (they're all Chinese, but can speak English, drive, etc. Everyone's educated.). They are within his comfort zone. However, he basically waits around for an invitation, which is not regular every week, and he can wind up for a whole week by himself. Haven't quite gotten him to invite people over. Maybe if I am not available on a weekly basis (I live an hour away now, and living in his town is not an option for me personally), that will motivate him, but, yes, I really do worry about him just sitting alone a lot and his mind deteriorating due to lack of interaction and stimulation. I've come back from extended business trips and found him in a kind of torpor, and it kind of scares me. When he has something to look forward to, he can be quite energetic, but he needs others to motivate him. I know , I need to get him out of that isolated house eventually, but now is just not the time for me. I call him every day, in the morning to perk him up, sometimes at midday, and then in the evening, but I can't always talk a long time. I don't know if he can last a year like that on his own, and I've already had a previous experience of being an emotional wreck with him calling me all the time once when I was a student overseas (I wound up cutting my studies there short because of it). If he weren't such a negative person, I'd let him live with me, but it would not be a good idea. I love my dad, and intellectually I know it's up to him to maintain a social life while he's able, but I can't just wash my hands of him. He's said if I move, then he'll move, too, but he is extremely slow and at the same time very controlling, so it's hard to get anything done (been dragging it out already the past year, and I can't wait any longer). I suppose I need to learn how to harden my heart a little, but it's easier said than done. Maybe I'm worrying more than I should. I've set boundaries and he generally respects them after getting the routine. I guess I think maybe I'll be less stressed if I stay nearby, and I can try to build my own community in the area; just working at home all the time is bad for me (isolating myself to keep my dad from being isolated, not a good solution).

I guess I'm going to have to just choose which sacrifice to make and decide how much I can afford to spend. I really, really appreciate your kind, thoughtful responses, thank you so much! This forum is really great. If there's no perfect solution, it does still help a lot to be able to share this with others who understand. Thank you!

Whichever way you choose, it would be good to help encourage dad to be more active socially. It will keep him healthier and happier, and ease your heart.

It hasn't been that long since your mom died, so no doubt he's still grieving. A grief support group (if you have to, go visit WITH him ... you have had a loss as well) might be good. It was a lot of help to my mother, and she was able to make some new friends in addition to her "couples" type friends she had with my stepdad. Several years down the road, she's now a facilitator with the group and frequently goes on long RV trips with a few of her friends she met at the group. (She doesn't own an RV, but travels with friends who own them.)

Our neighbor more or less "rediscovered" his Roman Catholic faith after the loss of his wife. He goes to men's retreats, has joined the Knights of Columbus, etc. The Knights keep him pretty darned busy with fundraisers, social events, etc.

A number of the retired men in my community volunteer in the citizens on patrol program. The police department trains them, then the do a shift or two a week in pairs driving around the neighborhood just watching for anything out of place. They call the police if they see anything, so it's perfectly safe. Coincidentally, a group of these men were at the table next to us in a restaurant today joking and swapping stories.

Most zoos, museums, etc. have docent programs if dad has an interest in these things.

Take him to some genealogy or local history society meetings and see if he catches the bug.

Just a few suggestions. It's not good for dad's health OR spirit to rattle around in an empty house alone. But he is relatively young, and needs friends apart from you.

I will say that my mom lives some distance away. We speak on the phone often (free cell minutes after 7 p.m. ... woo-hoo!) She's busier than I am now, and has a good active life. When the time comes, we have agreed that she will move closer to me. Her little lakeside community is a wonderful place to live, but too far for me to help her on an ongoing basis and it is too far from hospitals. Until then, she just doesn't want me breathing down her neck and cramping her style.

Then theres your answer sweetie your tired of moving so set up your life in a place you feel comfortable in, statistic wise most people end up within a 50 mile radius of where they were born and raised the question for you now is are you going to be a part of that statistic.

Listen to your heart dear not your head. Your life will follow....Good Luck

Maybe you're right. I feel guilty about leaving my dad, but he actually he has been good about it and is letting me decide. It just tears at my heart, though, when every time I see him and am leaving to go, he asks if he can tag along with me (in the car, or wherever). I do worry that in 2 years his health won't be so good, and then I'll wind up moving again, and I am so tired of moving.

Hey Nancy welcome in.
I have to agree with Torp, sounds like you have made a decision about what you want the problem is geography...
You picked up and left your own life you made for your mom does that mean you would do the same if you return to your old life if your dad becomes sick and needs help?
You can meet anyone anywhere so who is your priority here dad or you?
Parents give us the tools and training to spread our wings to leave the nest, in this day and age its not that easy to do as you have found out.
You have sacrificed much, like a family of your own to work and take care of your parents but what does Dad think about this, tell him your concerns and ask HIM what HE wants and assist him to do exactly that.

Well, Nancy, it sounds like you know what you want to do and are wanting permission or affirmation.

Does dad have an opinion?