Looking for advice on a catch 22 problem. My mother has been bedridden for 3 years and is taken care of by my sister. She give my mom a life that she probably wouldn't get with paid care. She has given up her life to do this. The downside is that we all pay a huge price for this luxury. She is a control freak who drives everyone in the family nuts. She yells and screams to a rotating cast of family members every day about how horrible her life is and how my father is driving her crazy.

Here is the main issue...up until now my dad has been able to live with this since he was trying to do best for his wife...but it has become unworkable. How do extricate her from the situation and take care of my mother. If we bring up alternate care...she will freak...and fight us tooth and nail.

trying to stay vaugue...just to protect id... but will clairfy if need be

quote:

The downside is that we all pay a huge price for this luxury. She is a control freak who drives everyone in the family nuts. She yells and screams to a rotating cast of family members every day about how horrible her life is and how my father is driving her crazy.

Here is the main issue...up until now my dad has been able to live with this since he was trying to do best for his wife...but it has become unworkable.

nothingspeshal, I do not understand what you mean by "it has become unworkable."

Do you live in the same town as your parents and sister? The reason I ask is that it is nearly impossible to understand complaints coming from any side of the issue if you do not have an opportunity to see how things are for yourself... People exaggerate, especially when they are upset. Caregivers argue with their patients; parents argue with their kids; family members play one off the other...

While not all caregiving relationships are "healthy" or altruistic, most are and I can tell you that it's a tough row to hoe. People who are not 24/7 caregivers simply have no idea...

Is your sister asking to be relieved of her duties or is your father asking for her to be removed from her duties? Is your father competent to care for his wife and himself... how's his health?

I applaud your concern - many family members simply don't care one way or the other so long as the care of their parent(s) doesn't interrupt their lives - but I don't know how to respond because I don't know enough pertinent details to render any opinion one way or the other... Can you fill in some of the details (without compromising ID and all)?

It may well be that sister is in denial, and needs "permission" to get some professional help for mom and reenter life.

I guess we all bring a little of our own experience into our reactions to various things. But among the things we caregivers tend to share: grace for the primary caregiver. "Helping" is wonderful, but not the same experience as those who don't have the luxury of saying, "I'm sick and want to sleep in," or "I have plans for that day." (I've only had this for the past approx. one year, and it's been HEAVENLY! But it WAS difficult to change roles when our LO went to skilled nursing.) Caregiving is consuming, timewise - spiritually - physically! And sometimes we need a little reality check, but honestly it's most easily accepted from those who not only have been-there-done-that but ARE there are ARE DOING that.

I still like the hunky waiters with margueritas idea, though ... And sometimes, after a break, we really can see more clearly.

Nope your not sounding like an A$$ you did good you came to the source to find out and get answers. What can be bad about that?
Heres a little something to think about when you hear your sister vent
I have in laws to deal with who come into my home who are in denial about what my MIL has some still believe there is a cure to this disease and some even think if they pray enough it will go away And we've got problems?!
They crowd around her bring things to her raise their voice around her even after Iv told them what they can and cannot do around her.
When they left I had to deal with the fallout ranging from up all night hallucinating screaming beating pillows picking her skin till it was raw and sometimes these episodes after these "family visits" could last up to a week!
But they dont see this all they see is the phony smile my MIL had pasted on her face.
Oh yeah I said it PHONY I know my mil I can tell when she is on the edge and those smiles are forced meanwhile Im chanting inside my head "Forgive them for they know not what they do"
Now to the next step Husband...its his family and guess who got the majority of the b*tch sessions? Thats right HIM.
I would remind him on a fairly regular basis that while it may look easy to everyone else Im up on any given day in the end almost 20 hours and Ive been doing this for 10 years but you know why I lasted as long as I did?
MIL is very much ambulatory shes not bedridden
Seriously honey stay with your sister for a week and mirror her you'll find real quick why you should be allowing her to vent IMHO a week isnt long enough though cause seriously we can have some pretty good weeks so you might not even get the full experience of what your sister deals with.
Now that you have a little knowledge of whats behind all this you can become an advocate for your sister you want to keep the peace right? What better way to accomplish that than to defend your sister (with respect) roll up your sleeves and lend a hand maybe the rest of the family will follow by example

Now, my sister in law and I have a toxic relationship./She is so toxic for me she makes me want to smack her more then once.I resolve this from my life but not having her as a part of my life.You cannot miss something you never had.A nice person by your side

NS, no one was trying to make you look like anything but a concerned loved one.We were trying to help you resolve this witout having a family feud.We view things as caregivers.We knew what happens when someone experiences the day to day care of someone.
All we say is not to judge her until you have had the chance to sit down with her and allow her to explain herself.Things appear different when one is on the outside looking in.
We never would consider you to be an ass.Far from it.
So cool your pretty little heels and see what we were really saying.Read what we said as having you understand your sister and why she behaves as she does.Not more, nothing less.
When we are unable to see the person writing the words they can seem to mean something else.
Not here ,

quote:

Originally posted by nothingspeshal:
thanks for all your thoughtful responses...and i'm sorry if i came across as an A**...just the little one in the family trying to make peace....

Not at all! I think that everyone's point is that the problem may be the situation and not your sister. She may need rescuing from it ... I don't know. I do know that when we've been immersed in caregiving to the point where we have little or no lives of our own, to quit seems like it makes all our sacrifice to date "feel" like having wasted those years.

Has your sister said specifically what it is she wants? If it's just to blow off some steam, send her here! We love to bee eye tea see aech about how much it sucks to be us *wink* and we don't get tired of hearing about it or think we have to "fix" the person. Sometimes you just have to gripe and blow off steam ... be heard!

Dear Nothingspeshul,
You are special, because you care! You must feel very frustrated about trying to make peace and it took guts to come here for advice.

Okay, I'm a meanie! BUT I am serious about how lucky you are to have your sister do this and also about just getting her some well deserved respite as well as being a sounding board for her frustration! My big brother (60 yrs old)is too chicken to even call me anymore, HA! He calls my husband to see if everything is OK!

Ahh, NS, sorry if we made you feel that way. We tend to be a little protective of caregivers. Truely I applaud your efforts to make peace. It really does sound like your sister could be over stressed. While we know how that happens and can relate, it doesn't make it less serious. What can you tell us about the situation? Your sister wants to continue as primary caregiver and for 3 years this has been her life and she does a good job of it. What is it you wish to change, and why? Worry for Sis, worry for Dad?

I can tell you care, this is a very stressful job and most of us would be so greatful to have a sib that cared enough to ask this question. No one thinks badly of you I promise..

thanks for all your thoughtful responses...and i'm sorry if i came across as an A**...just the little one in the family trying to make peace....

Yep. Been the "control freak" too. The fact of the matter is that sometimes we are trying to control what we can because we know its impact on us.

The example of the pie causing diarrhea is a perfect example. The bringer sees only the pleasure mom gets and isn't the one to spend the next 24 hours elbow deep in pooh (literally!)

Sister sounds burned out to me. Who wouldn't be? And it gets to where the situation (not the person) is toxic.

Consider taking up a collection among the siblings and send your sister on a cruise. Let her lay around on a deck chair in a bikini sipping margueritas served by hunky waiters for a week. She may come home renewed and, most of all, feeling appreciated. Move in with mom for tht ten days only and get a real taste of your sister's life. I don't mean that critically at all, but I do think that you may come away with new insight.

I too am one who likes things in their proper place.For one it makes me feel like I am dealing with caos if things are not done to my liking.
Things changed a little.Many nights I was too tired to do dishes, so they did not get done.They were there the next morning and nothing bad happened.Many times my bed did not get made, nothing happened.I can tolerate dust , but things thrown about drive me crazy
I concentrated on hubbies room to make it easy for the nurses and aides to do their job.

"never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their moccasins" and your sister has been walking a very rocky road and darned if your feet wouldn't hurt and make you miserable!

My first reaction was WHAT!?! the he77 are you thinking? "3 years dedicated to the care of your bedridden mom and your dad, and you want to "EXTRICATE" her!!!! I'm sorry but in my opinion the least you can do is listen sympathetically to her complaints, offer support and more help to relieve her stress and be gosh darn lucky that you don't have to literally deal with the SH*T!!

Oh boy BC Im crackin a gut here "Im not a control freak" the spoon needs to face a certain way on the right side of the bowl and the tucks in a bed just so please leave what you term a mess its organized chaos.... see, control issues
I gotta patient whos mom is this way but I understand it completely it may drive me a lil crazy and I might want to scream a little at this behavior reminds me much of OCD tendencies but its not....for us its normal...well...Oh you know
NS thats it right there in a nutshell hun sometimes we just dont see what is causing the behavior we see/hear in our LO's we're not there all the time so you did yourself a favor...No, really you did.
You came to the source and now you have a deeper understanding and knowledge of us as you can see from the responses now you can see the other side of this journey through the CG's eyes, I get whole heartedly where you are coming from dont doubt that, if I was in your shoes I would be mad too at someone yelling and wailing at me but I take into consideration and try to see why this is happening and try to pitch in and help and Ive been known to do just that even when someone may say "No thats ok" I do it anyhow nowadays most folks have way too much on their plate CG's think they are failing if they cant do it all and thats simply not true thats why we always preach "Do the best you can with what you have you are only human NOT super human"
The best gift you could give your sister is to help her out. and well, send her our way so we may teach her how to accept help from all of you.... that first step is a hummer!

Annas, you have hit the nail on the head.I think most caregivers feel they have to go it alone .They feel if they ask for help it shows weakness.I was one of them.Then I began to see I needed help in all areas.Information , anything that made the tasks at hand easier.Too many times we expect perfection from our selves.
Once I allowed my self to admit I new very little , could not deal with it alone, doors opened for me.People were willing to advise me in any way possible.The journey is long to do it alone.

This is an interesting switch Folks. nothingspecial (now NS unless you object and have a request) Usually it would be your sister who would come here. And we would be hearing about the thoughtless sibs who just don't "get it".

NS, it sounds like you do care about how this is treating everyone. For that, you get a cudo from me.

Still , I run the show for my Mom, (Dad has been gone almost 6 years) I have done some screaming fits and really had idiot venting moments. Is your Sis being over the top all the time or just "at times"? Are you worried about you parents' welfare under her watch?

I admit, I have gone ballistic over little things, and letting go has been hard. Details are important. It sounds crazy, but such things as which side of the ice cream bowl the spoon handle is on is important.

I am not a control freak, I am not a control freak.......

I just flip out only a little when company shows up with a desert she will want, but which I know is too rich and will give her diarhea. HAH, are they staying around to cope? No.

Maybe your Sis has lost it. She wouldn't be the first one. She took on this job 3 years ago. Where was every one else then? ( Here I was dealing with Mom while family went home, so proud of themselves for making her smile with a Boston Creme Pie, but leaving me with the aftermath.) I am thrilled that Mom is happy , but there are ways to keep her happy that don't cause these extreme reactions. Ones that mean no one gets any sleep tonight. Does any one ask? Heck no.

I am not control freak.. I am not a control freak....

Please ask your sister how you can help. Start slow, something small. Gain her trust that you want the best for your Mom just like she does. This job can make maniacs out of the best of us (I already had a few screws loose, so it goes unnoticed) Just don't ever show my Mom Boston Creme Pie and we might (MIGHT) get along.

Nothingspeshal,

You say your sister is a control freak. Guess what, caregivers tend to be control freaks +10. Like your sister, I have taken on a huge role and I am doing it all alone. And for a time, thought I was the only one who could do it. But as I noticed my own frustrations and worries getting the best of me, I went to see a therapist. Now I know I can’t do it all alone and have to ask for help.

I think your sister is crying out for help. Maybe you could offer her some help. The last thing you should do is remove her completely. Even though you think it has reached toxic levels, she has as you put it given up her life to care for you mom. The truth is, she doesn’t have to give up her life. With some support, she can have a life of her own.

Bunnysgrl, excellet response.Maybe the presence of a good ear would help.Maybe she is close to burnout.Maybe she needs someone to pick up some of the load.
Also, being acknowledged for what she does goes along ways.Maybe others would get an idea of her day if they stepped in for a week and got hands on example

nothingspeshal welcome in.
The short of this, its up to your father its his wife and his home. Correct?

A little Devils Advocate here NS

Do you think maybe your sister is a little hard to handle cause this job is pretty intense and theres no one to talk to?
Being in her shoes I can tell you I often felt like this but I was the only CG to my MIL.
I knew things about her that her own son didnt I had many hats counselor doctor nurse cook maid laundress PI you name it I did it and I did it well with the help of the folks here cause sure as Im sittin here I was stumbling more than a few times and ready to blow.

It takes a special person to be able to do this job so my only question is this:
Is your mother suffering under her care?

Take yourselves out of this for a moment, whether they are hurt or angry feelings because your sister may have responded to you out of sheer frustration, anger that she is witnessing your moms life fade, staying awake long hours, dealing with incompetent doctors/nurses, no friends, no love life, or just all around having a bad day because you mom developed a bedsore or a UTI or has to change the linens again etc.
This is what we go through 24/7 this isnt for the faint of heart she has given up much just to do this and the main issue that we deal with is the lack of control we have concerning this job. Instead of getting angry how about supporting her rants?
Most times I believe those rants are fairly valid.
If you doubt this hold up 2 photos one of your sister before she started care giving to your mom and one recent photo of her...do you see the difference?
Most days its hard to get out of our sweats let alone run a comb through our hair. And being as how your Mom is bedridden there is a whole mess of things that needs to be addressed, the list would amaze you.
Sweetie just cause mom is bedridden doesnt mean that job is easy, quite the contrary we have a few folks here that can attest to this.
Your sister needs to know she is trusted and loved by her family for what she has sacrificed.
Instead how about giving her a break because from the way you make it sound she needs one right now.
Please think about this Im quite sure if you step into your sisters shoes and take over care you are gonna find out real quick Im not kidding about anything I have said here.