Hello, I am a long-distance caregiver to my parents. My parents are in between homes due to poor planning on their part. They must leave their current residence and have asked to move in with me (their only daughter) and husband for a period of two months. Our schedule is very busy at this time with new responsibilities and planning a local move within the next 6-8 months.

When I first heard this news, I jumped at the chance to find local housing for them. These issues would be easier, although not less stressful to deal with locally. They were not interested in this option. I stated they could move in with one condition, they cannot bring their three cats. There has been much arguing over this condition. I think it is my right to ask that they respect our wishes in our home and make sacrifices as we will have to do (make sacrifices) by having them in our home. Has anyone else been in a similar predicament? I would love to hear from you. This is a very stressful time.

Sandra: I know that feeling of having a breakdown. When the first one died (Madonna, 8 yrs old) I thought about jumping off the Courtney Cambell Bridge (in Tampa and i see your from florida so you may know it). She died of kidney failure and I felt so much guilt for being so busy in life and not realizing she was sick that I still get sick to my stomach when i think of it. However, I still had 3 cats and was a nanny to newborn twin boys so I had to pick myself up and realize I had other things to live for. Then after I moved here to Ohio to care for the granny my oldest one (Psycho, 12 yrs old) died of cancer. With this family drama, the stress of the granny's AD and my second cat dying I still feel like jumping off SOMETHING but all that i have here is Lake Erie. However, I still have 2 babies left and I have to live for them. What I will do when those two are gone is beyond me. I will try the medication you mentioned if I feel too desparate but I tried anti-depressants for a year (like 4 different brands) and I was one of those few that had such terrible side effects it wasn't worth it. Life is so hard now and what helps me is realizing how harder it would have been to have 4 cats with me at the granny's house going through all the crap i'm going through. The two are enough to be responsible for and the granny is mean to them sometimes which is enough to make me want to move out. Sometimes when the granny is in one of her evil moods I am just glad the other two aren't around for it. Did you get anymore cats?

quote:

Originally posted by Andra:
angel,
But its a good topic, isn't it? The original post refers to the parents' "poor planning" and that is a big part of the problem for so many of us, that the elderly people we wind up having to care for never focused for a minute on the possibility that there might come a time when they cannot care for themselves.

sighssss.....you can include me in the people that never plan for their older years. I have been a college student for too long...worked "under the table"...and have no kids so what i'm gonna do when i get old is still a mystery to me. I can't rely on my grandchildren since i have no children. Hope yall are still here when i get AD and am homeless! LOL

Angel, I know soooooooooo well these feelings. I lost 3 cats within 18 months. First was when I was away on holiday and got the call from the petsitter. He lived to be an old man so I'm thankful for that. 9 months later, I lost my sweet 6 yr. old to cancer. The little baby kitty (9 wks old) I adopted soon after suddenly dropped, then died a day later from hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. She was 2 weeks shy of turning 1. I was beyond devastated. I had a complete breakdown. I couldn't function, couldn't stand being on the outside and was just so miserable. My doctor put me on Zoloft and I swear, it saved my life. I was so out of control emotionally. I know the love you felt and feel for these most beautiful creatures.

When we love deeply, we grieve deeply. It's the price we pay.

Sandy

quote:

Originally posted by angel0704:
I wish I could side with you, but I am sitting here at almost 2am looking at pics two my precious baby cats that died in the last 2 yrs. I still cry. I still feel a hole in my heart. I still feel lost and alone without them. They were there when no one else had time. They got me through the hard times. They gave me reason to live sometimes. They were my sole source of happiness at times (I know that may sound pathetic to some people but its true). I have no spouse or children so my cats have taken that place. Having them gone from my life is a pain i cant even type in words.

angel,
But its a good topic, isn't it? The original post refers to the parents' "poor planning" and that is a big part of the problem for so many of us, that the elderly people we wind up having to care for never focused for a minute on the possibility that there might come a time when they cannot care for themselves.

oh, LOL LOL LOL ok, nevermind. I just realized this was an old post and those dang on spam/bots tricked me!! Ok, Harry, I'm done!!!

quote:

Originally posted by 4m&d:
Hello, I am a long-distance caregiver to my parents. My parents are in between homes due to poor planning on their part. They must leave their current residence and have asked to move in with me (their only daughter) and husband for a period of two months. Our schedule is very busy at this time with new responsibilities and planning a local move within the next 6-8 months.

When I first heard this news, I jumped at the chance to find local housing for them. These issues would be easier, although not less stressful to deal with locally. They were not interested in this option. I stated they could move in with one condition, they cannot bring their three cats. There has been much arguing over this condition. I think it is my right to ask that they respect our wishes in our home and make sacrifices as we will have to do (make sacrifices) by having them in our home. Has anyone else been in a similar predicament? I would love to hear from you. This is a very stressful time.

I wish I could side with you, but I am sitting here at almost 2am looking at pics two my precious baby cats that died in the last 2 yrs. I still cry. I still feel a hole in my heart. I still feel lost and alone without them. They were there when no one else had time. They got me through the hard times. They gave me reason to live sometimes. They were my sole source of happiness at times (I know that may sound pathetic to some people but its true). I have no spouse or children so my cats have taken that place. Having them gone from my life is a pain i cant even type in words. And i'm ALLERGIC to cats, so you can imagine the medications i must take to keep the 2 cats that I still have. I moved in with my grandmother to take care of her and I brought my cats with me. She complained but now she loves them. You may not be the same, but please consider how your parents must feel. They are already losing their stability and to ask them to give up their cats might be so heart breaking. Do you have a basement you could put the cats in? Can the cats just live in their room? (like mine do). Can you just remember that cats dont live forever and they will die soon, unfortunately, and isn't the worst thing in life. I dont want to make you feel guilty but I cant imagine giving up my cats and if your parents feel anything like me, just try to consider how they feel.

4m&D, sometimes those who do not plan for the future are not left with the feeling of flustration when plans do not happen.I thought once I raide my children , my life would be free to do what I wanted.I can understand the love for the animals.It is a bond that they feel so srongly.My mother and aunt brought their dao when they moved in with me and I was so attched to him that I cried so hard when we had to put him to sleep for heart failure.I always had an animal for them as it was good therapy.I believe my aunt would feel less lonesome if we had a dog but I am unable to take on the responsibilty and I have 3 cats and a fish.I wish all of you luck in resolving this

Thanks again for the sharing and concern. To fill in a few more details...Mom and Dad are able to live in independent housing and are able to get around very well. They are currently in an apartment and were seeking a cheaper apartment about two hours north. In the process of looking for their next apartment they did not allow enough time for the search and did not sign a month-to-month lease. Since they did not sign a month-month lease they have no recourse but to leave their apartment.

My frustration has to do with the fact that they have always been this "way". Meaning they never plan for the future and think things are going to work out. I have tried and tried and tried, talked and talked and talked to them. I have managed to get a few things in order/under control for them (wills, advance medical directive, durable power of attorney and debt), but it seems they are going to get themselves into trouble (debt) again.

I have all but given up on getting them to move closer due to factors such as: there are more insurance options where they currently are (although mom is right at a spot age-wise where she can't get medicare yet), the weather (so my dad says) is better for his health (although he was willing to live in a cold climate for two months). I believe Mom would move, but Dad won't budge. It will probably come down to they will have to move due to health issues or if one of them dies.

I currently don't know where they will be staying in between apartments. Talking to them is very strained at this time and they are putting up a wall. I can't believe this all over cats!

4M&D

Something about this story is very ...uh...fishy. Do you think they were evicted? Scammed? Do they have a plan?

I agree with Edyth Ann, before you do anything to let them move in with you, you need to know more....a lot more. You don't say what type of care you provide, but it sounds...funny.

And, much as I love cats, I know that no one else's pets are quite as wonderful as mine. Stick by your guns.

Edyth Ann, has brought up a good subject.Possibly something else is happening to have them want to move.I second her suggestion on going to them and seeing the total picture.Possibly you will be able to visit and get a better feel of the situation.

I am wondering why have they made a poor decission and decided to move as they are doing? Is this type of decission common for them? Are they having difficulty that they are not admiting to? It maybe a good idea to go visit your parents and see what is happening in their lifes that they made such a poor decission about. It is possible that they made need some help or at least some support and that is what they may have actual resentment over in the future.

Thanks for sharing your ideas and story. My parents have decided to find temporary housing in their area. They seem bitter about the whole situation. All I can hope and pray is that this will make them look at their situation and learn from it and plan better in the future. I pray they don't hold on to the bitterness and turn it into resentment.

Hi 4M,

Maybe if you find some options for their cats, that might help them.

You might call some local no=kill shelters... some of them board cats n' dogs during owners transitions. Ours here will board an animal for up to 6 mos. to help people keep their pets.

I recently was caring for a friend, and her pets. And her cat sprayed in the corner of the living room..... OMG what a stench. I must of tried 5 products before I found one that got rid of the odor. Took a month before the odor was completely gone. Thank god for that new Oust fan.

My folks got an apartment near me once during a time when my mom was having some significant medical problems. It did make things much more manageable than doing the long distance thing.

I tried at that time to convince them to stay near me. There decision to return to Oregon, had a terrible price for me a few years later when mom developed alzheimer's and my dad died of a sudden heart attack. In retrospect, I wish I had been more forceful in my discussions with them about not moving to such a remote location.

Sharon