Hello All,
I was on these forums several years ago when I had an employee with dementia and now I'm back because my Dad is in a SNH and I'm having a real problem with my Mom. She just cannot accept the person he is now and she's filled with guilt and feels she has to be at the home every day. He's been there for 11 months. She agrees she shouldn't go there every day but she can't stop herself. Her health is negatively affected by this...she just isn't living a good life anymore. She's making herself sick...her blood pressure is through the roof and she worries about his hallucinations (she thinks "what if there really are people in his room calling him crazy?". He cries when she leaves for the day and this stays with her. She lives alone in their house and drives herself to the SNH...she's 89 and it won't be long before she won't be able to drive herself. She won't let us move her to assisted living or even in with us (we live 45 miles away) because there's no way to get to him every day. I try to tell her he's okay there (he does receive very good care where he is) and she needs to do some things for herself but she either can't or won't accept this. She keeps saying "I just can't understand the person he is now...I keep remembering him the way he was". I take off work and we plan days together just she and I and when the day comes...guess what?? she bails out on me. Any ideas on what I can do or say or have her read that can help her?

Emanon, you say your mom's 89 and won't be able to drive herself much longer. I understand that she couldn't move in with her husband, but are there any two facilities close to each other?
My Oma is on a waiting list for a facility that has two buildings, right across the street from each other. One building is made up of senior-friendly apartments for those who can still live independently, and the other building is for long-term care. This way, the spouse who is still independent is only a 5-minute walk away from their partner. Are there any care facilities that have senior-friendly apartments nearby, so your mom could be close enough to walk when she can no longer drive? I know she might not want to move at all, but that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Hi Emanon. I have to agree with the others. After his stroke my husband was in various facilities both here and in the city 3 hours away. When he was there I stayed in our camper van with the dog(she was my salvation) When he first had his stroke we just stayed in the hospital parking lot (he was there for surgery-stroke in recovery room) We were there about a month, then in the hospital here, then back to the city for rehab-middle of winter so I stayed in a campsite with facilities so I could use the hydro as the furnace fan only lasts a few days without recharging the battery. Then he was back to extended care here. Finally home. In those 10 months I never missed a day seeing him. In the 9 plus years he has been home I have never been away overnight without him. I understand your Mom but don't know how she does it-I was only 56 when I started this road. One thing that helped me was when my brother took me aside and talked to me about looking after myself if I wanted to be able to help Mike.(I hadn't been eating or sleeping properly) His little talk did a world of good-it is even more important than normally to look after onesself. Speaking of sleep I better get there. Hugs to you and your Mom and Dad. Gypsy

Emanon, another suggestion.
Tell your mom how happy and proud you are that she is taking such good care of her husband, even though they are living apart. Remind her that in order to continue this level of caring, she must not neglect herself.
It's unfortunate that she could not move in with him, as everyone would have been so much happier.
Support her and allow her to grieve the loss of her loved one, but always make sure she takes care of herself, too.
And you too! Don't make yourself sick over seeing your mom so vulnerable.

Thank you wise women! I need to be reminded of their eons of love and I do need to put myself in her place and see things thru her eyes and feel things with her heart. I'm just so sorry I don't have answers that can magically make it better for her. Taking the day to her is a great idea.....I didn't think of bringing one of my good friends with me when I go clean her house. Maybe a couple of laughing ladies will bring her some joy.

Emanon welcome
Please listen to MB this is so very hard for spouses to cope with.
My own MIL went through this with my FIL before he passed as MB put it their lives after so many years are so very intertwined some just dont function well apart.
My own MIL would become physically sick, rashes all over her body after major health events with my FIL I kid you not. If I didnt see this with my own eyes I wouldnt have believed how affected one becomes with the illness of a spouse this was worse than when he passed.
Your mom does need someone to speak with about these changes but most importantly she needs understanding, this is her best friend, husband, and lover, the very person who in all probability made things right, guided her when she needed, kept her safe, even scolded her at times but loved her through it all, no one can replace that. She's lost help guide her sweetie.
An idea, instead of trying to bring her out how about bringing the day to her.
Have a girls day, does she have any friends that she still talks to?
Get them rounded up and have them over for the day, sometimes friends are the best medicine for this.
Get one of your friends to help out you 2 can play "Beauticians" for the day have a little fun.

Emanon, glad you stopped in.
It is not inappropriate for your mom to stop in to the NH daily. It may be INCONVENIENT and she should not feel guilty when she must skip a day because of other obligations, but it isn't unhealthy for her to do so in and of itself.

Please look at this from her point of view. He's been her husband for how many years? Her best friend? Her raison d'etre? One of the most heart-wrenching events is seeing old couples split up by old age and disease.

She might benefit by a support group - does the nursing home SNF, hospital offer one? I feel sure she is feeling MORE than a little lost without him. Coping with who our loved ones become is a VERY difficult issue! This isn't her dad, it's the guy she slept with for umpteen zillion years! Their relationship is very intertwined and this is gonna take some time for her to get her mind around. Sometimes, elderly partners never quite get their minds around the changes that occur in their spouses. Please give her all the understanding and support you can muster for her sake. If her husband is having hallucinations, perhaps discussing this with his doctor might cause a change of medication that would enable him to be more comfortable. She may need to discuss an antidepressent for herself with her own doctor. Elderly couples often "grow together" and even though one is still functional, when the other gets sick, the functional one becomes sick at heart. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to simply support, listen and LOVE her. HTH