My father has been caring for my mom who has MS forthe past 25 years, during this time she has a ventilator and has been immobile and does all the lifting and caring for her. He took her shopping, on boat trips, vacation with minimal help from us. She has a catheter and now has lost bowel function. It is truly amazing that she is still alive. Her health is frail now, she is has short term memory lost, and refuses to go out of her home. My dad who is 82, needs a break and we all have encouraged him that it is time to place my mom in a home. He feels really bad about this, but needs to take care of himself and is going crazy being home with her. We have tried visiting nurses, etc... but they only can offer an hour or two relief. I usually go down at least one day a week so he can grocery shop etc.. He has asked me to locate someone who he can talk to and provide "mental" support for him. (Her doctor will handle all the details about my mom.)They have been married for 55 years and I think he going through some type of separation anxiety. Any ideas?

There are places like this. They are called "continuing care" facilities. Most of them have a range from independent living apartments (which consist of a private apt., maid service and meals in a common dining room) to assisted living to skilled nursing, all in the same facility.

In the nursing area where our LO lives, there are a number of residents who need that 24 hour care and have spouses living in a different wing of the same facility. They can visit back and forth, and spend any time they desire with their spouse. One sweet man fetches his wife from the nursing area every day to spend time in the assisted living apartment they formerly shared. The nursing home staff is there on site for emergencies. He returns her to the nursing area for the care she needs, naps, etc. in the afternoon and returns to fetch her to eat dinner with him. He has all the benefit of the social opportunities in the wing that is for the still more independent residents (he may still drive, for that matter. Many residents there do.)

Bobmac, your Dad has been a very loving, devoted husband. I am sure he is hurting over having to make this decision.

It is good news that he has asked for some help, a huge step!!!

Please come back, everyone here is very supportive and caring. I hope we can help you!

Welcome BobMac! Glad you found us here! This is just too cruel for your dad. It seems like there should be SOME kind of residential facility where he could live with her, help care for her (to the extent of his ability) and not have to be separated unless that is his wish.

It soooooo agggravates me that the medical community sometimes places our elders with less sensitivity than the average dog would receive in a boarding kennel!

As for help for him, I hope you have called your local chapter of the MS Foundation and told them this tale... seems like they would have some insight. They may also offer adult support groups or have the name of a therapist who understands the specifics of the disease and those who care for its victims.

Any chance that you or one of your sibs could add on a room or two for them and get home health out to assist plus some respite from all of you?

Many blessings to you for watching out for him so thoughtfully! Looking forward to getting to know you.

PS. Your dad sounds like one heckuva guy.

Bobmacm welcome.Bless your dad for being so devoted to your mom to have cared for her for all this time.How fortunate you and your mom are.It is so hard for any spouse to imagine their loved one being under anyones care but them.The void he will feel will be so over whelming.Bless his heart.
When my mother first went into a hospital for evaluation I had seperation anxiety.All I could do was cry .I could only think of her absence,
I was so down it was awful.I had no idea what was happening to me until our Janie called me on the phone.She knew because she had the same experience in her life.She allowed me to cry and explain what I was feeling.She remained on line with me until I was able to put my emotions in a proer perspective.When we were done she had me laughing and able to get therough this time.It did not go away, completely until my mother returned home, but it was not a crippling emotion.
Allow dad to exppress what he feels.Allow him to visit her as much as possible.Encourage him to be with family who understand his emotions as much as possible.I also would keep an eye on him until he is more able to reconcile her absense .Allow him to feel they will both be better if he is not having to care for her.Not that he is abandoning her, but is freeing him to gather strength to visit her and give her moral support
When 2 people have been together for so long the seperation is so frightening.Each day has been about each other,His purpose was to tend to her needs as she had once been able to do for him.They were soul mates.
My heart breaks when I see our elders who have honored their vowels being seperated .But destiny does not always honor our wishes.
Make his life as less complicated as possible so he can have time to be by her side.The less every day stress as possible.He will be a very vunerable man.In time possiblt y he can become involved in a senior center.Find a place where he can come together with others that are able to stimualte one another.He needs to feel he has not been abandoned.As long as they had one another they were not lonely.
Give dad a big hug from all of us for being such a fine and loving man , husband and father.

Bobmac welcome in I am so very sorry for all your Dad is going through as well as you having to watch the ravages of this disease take bit by bit of your sweet mom away from you.
MS chokes me up somethin fierce Ive just recently lost a member of our extended family 3 days ago from this disease and my beautiful neighbor also suffers from this.
Are there no programs being offered in your area maybe her PCP might be able to suggest something? Is there any Insurance your Dad had that may cover some of this expense with in home nursing?
If none of this works please call this number so you may be directed to help in your area
1-800 FIGHT MS