Hello Everyone,

I am new to this forum, but am delighted that I have found all of you! I now know that I am not alone in this plight.

I am the main caregiver for my 82 year-old father and 71 year-old mother. My father is gradually declining in terms of balance, frequent falls, and several fractures. Over the last 10 years, he has had a stroke, knee replacement, has broken one hip and then when I finally got them moved to the town that I live in...he fell and broke his other hip the first week they were here. I didn't even have time to get them moved in to our rent house. That was 2 years ago, and my dad has never regained his balance and has required the use of a 3 wheeled winnie walker. They left their hometown of 50 years to move here with me, and the transition has been difficult for them. My father was used to driving to town to have coffee every day, and in spite of my efforts to help both of them find friends...it hasn't worked. He is depressed and every time that I I go to their house and/or speak via phone, my dad is either crying or mad and my mom is griping about how tired she is from taking care of dad. I inevitabely end up going to their home every single day, but not for visits and to enjoy their company, but rather as a maintenance person who changes light bulbs, takes out trash, cleans, get groceries, etc.

By the way...it feels good to be able to say these things and I hope I do not sound heartless.

Here is what is happening now in our lives:

A week and a half before Thanksgiving, my father developed pneumonia and ended up in the hospital for 7 days. The day before he was released, my mom began running temperature. She was diagnosed with strep throat, so she was in no shape to care for my father. They went home...I had a big group coming to my house for Thanksgiving, including my sister who is 4 years older than I. She and her family arrive in town to stay with my parents one day after they get home from the hospital. It just so happens that during the 2 years that they have lived close to me, they both have never been sick at the same time. BUT.....my mom was in bed and dad was very weak. What ended up happening was that my father ended up being too weak to get out of the shower on his own and my sister had to help him out. He also had taken a stool softener because his bowels didn't move hardly at all during his hospital stay. Guess what happens? He accidentally soils himself several times and my sister was very put off by this. Her mother-in-law has dementia and is in an Alz care unit where they live. She begins telling my mother that they cannot live like this and need assisted living. My mom was too sick to even think about this, but the prevailing theme for several days was, "assisted living."

I was a nervous wreck the whole time.......

After they left, I helped my dad with his showers and began feeling an impending fear in my heart about their well-being. In the shower, my father is an "accident waiting to happen," because he refuses to sit on his shower chair. Also, before he had pneumonia, I had noticed that he was forgetting where the bathroom was in the house, etc. Just little things that began to worry me and my mom.

I decided to discuss with them the possibility of home health or a private aid coming in a few days a week to help my dad shower, do light house keeping, etc. It didn't go over well, and my mom informed me that she just didn't feel that they were in need of that type of care yet. The next week, my father was up at 4:00 a.m., went through the garage as he always does to get his newspaper. The newspaper guy throws it right up against the garage for my dad. While we didn't know it at the time...we found out that day that my dad wasn't using his walker when he went to get the paper, but he would hold on between both vehicles in the garage instead. This particular day though...he decided to go through the front door which required that he hold on to the side of the house. He ended up falling and fracturing his pelvis...crawling into the house and whistling for my mom. Of course...we got a call at 4:30 a.m. after that.

Since then, my father has been in a rehab hospital and will be discharged on Saturday of this week. My mom wanted him to go to a skilled nursing facility that has a special rehab unit, however my father is completely out of skilled nursing days. Not because of this fall, but because of many health issues in which he has ended up in the hospital because my mom felt that she couldn't handle him. My husband is the CEO of the hospital here, so that is why he was able to stay longer when my mom begged...but it used up his skilled nursing days. He now has to be out of the hospital for 60 days straight before skilled care is available.

My father's pelvis isn't yet healed, therefore his only choice is to either go back home and have home health come in, and then when they aren't there, my mom and I would care for him. I felt that this wasn't a viable option because he needs assistance when doing potty and shower transfers, etc. I went to an assisted living center here in my home town and it didn't feel like a nursing home at all. My mother has strong feelings that a nursing home is a prison for the elderly. Please understand that I wouldn't venture to argue with her if I were in their shoes, and my ultimate goal is to provide them with as much independence and dignity possible.

I decided that I would not, under any circumstances, make the decision for them. They both agreed that the assisted living center was the viable option, but my mother is VERY UNHAPPY about this. I am in the process of moving a few things in for them, however my mother has made it known to me that I am not to take any of their things from home up there.

I am so nervous about Saturday, and I want it to go well. I am also afraid that my sister will be overbearingly bossy, even though she loves them dearly, and I am just a ball of nerves.

Does anyone have any advice as to how Saturday should go?

Thanks for letting me share my story and there will be more later.........

Lkay

You may have no choice in the matter.They both need to be somewhere that they get more help,trained help..........

You are not the least bit heartless. If you were, you wouldn't care so much about their well-being.

My mom's now in an assisted living home. It's small, only fifteen residents maximum.

She resisted moving in but saw it was her only option. She was surprised right away that it wasn't bad at all but still wanted to go home.

She's been there four or five months now and she really likes it. It's hard to pry her out of there to bring her here for a visit. She likes afternoon bingo. She likes having people to visit with and gossip about. She likes the teen who comes in to lead them all through chair exercises a few times a week. She likes it when the owners bring their dogs in to visit.

She's happier by far than when we were living in her home and taking care of her. Now she has her place and we have ours -- she had really missed that. It's hard for parents when roles reverse and their children are running the household, not to mention being pretty darned hard on their kids.

Also find out if there is a program in your area called "Senior Peer Support." It's a volunteer program for retired folks. They just come out regularly to visit whether the elderly are at home or in assisted living. No nagging about exercise, like therapists do, or reminders about using a walker -- they're just there to be friends. My mom didn't let us call them for a long time but she finally gave in. Now her friend Greta visits once a week and mom looks forward to it, every time. Bless that woman's heart. She's a widow, like Mom is, so they have a bond of understanding about what it's like to face that.

WOW Lkay I really dont know where to start here cause to me it sounds like dad is held together with duct tape an chewin gum. My God that poor thing! I watched my MIL through 1 hip replacement that was enough for me I hate seeing people in pain.
The other thing too is dad may be dealing with a phenomenon my MIL has also and is why they dont particularly like to sit down *especially older folks* she feels some sort of a pop or click *its hard to determine due to AD* but her surgeon told us its pretty common in replacement surgeries.
The harder seats also hurts them so try a cushion on the shower chair.
If your mom still cant see that she needs help after all this that has happened I have to ask in all seriousness is she ok?
Iv been around folks like this and it tends to make me watch the person in question a little more closely to see if they may be suffering from some kind of Dementia.
After not one but 2 hip replacements I wouldnt let that man walk anywhere unaided and now a fractured pelvis?!
First thing you need to do is step back and take a deep breath, next thing to do is HONESTLY look at your mom not as your mom but as a plain ole everyday human being who has probably not had a whole lot of sleep and may be showing some deficits in thinking.
As CG's we are not exactly friends with regular sleep patterns which leads to some pretty strange situations like oh I dont know sticking the milk jug in the pantry and the cereal box in the fridge *Now knock that laughing off I can hear you!*
There may be something going on OR her stress levels may be way up there in either case I would convince her to see her PCP.
Your sister needs to be told for your parents sake to tone it down a notch if thats what your afraid of, she may love them dearly but being bossy and overbearing WILL do more harm than good you need to have cool heads prevail here.
Remind your sister this is both your parents and this is about THEM not her.
Find your own unique way to convey this cause me I pretty much spit it out I dont give a hoot when Im the one with the sleepless nights under my belt and the poop on my hands you knowaddimean? I cg you straw boss dont work for me... That in total is my job, Ill do the cg AND the straw bossin anyone steppin in on my territory that doesnt give me assistance WILL get a quick dressin down by me.
Bein nice does work for some things but respectfully tellin someone to back down when their crossin a line they shouldnt is also your job.
Remind yourself YOU are the CG and all that entails.
Get the stuff moved in that needs to be there before your parents, even if its in boxes furniture also if thats a part of it all and allow mom to hang the clothes and do her thing.
If they allow pictures bring them in to make it feel like home.
Maybe a little picnic lunch while your at it?
I hope this all works out well for you on Saturday hun let us know.
The other thing too is to give this about a month for the complaints to die down, this time frame is pretty common across the board in facilities.