My FIL had a stroke 8 years ago. It left one side paralyzed and his mental capacity...somewhat compromised. In some ways, he is totally "with it", can discuss capital gains issues regarding farming, etc. but the reasoning abilities as not so good. For instance, in the rehab center, although he could see that he couldn't maneuver the wheelchair he was in at the time successfully thru a 10 ft wide archway, he saw no problem with him driving a truck down one lane of a road or climbing on the tractor and farming. If he wants peanut butter on crackers, then if someone were drowning in the farm pond, he would see nothing wrong with that situation waiting until his current caregiver has made his peanut butter crackers!

My MIL, his wife, died a month ago. Up to that point, she took care of him, with the help of the kids when they were around. There are 4 siblings, 1 son (single) living with them, 1 son, married with 2 teens, about a mile away (who also assists their maiden aunt and the deaf sister), and a daughter (deaf, single, and with troublesome dibilitating medical issues of her own) in the next town. We live (FIL's son, me, our 3 teens) 2 hours away.

We could not talk them into doing POAs or wills. FIL is still resistent, especially to the POAs. At this point, no one is on any of his accounts nor has any authority to talk to drs, access records, etc. FIL has never wanted his kids to know ANYthing about his finances, or anything else, basically. He is adamant that he will write his own checks, but fails to write in register if he does, resists sons' suggestions that he do so, says he'll do it later, but never does.

We are at a loss. We've gathered together to talk to him, but he won't stay on topic, he will NOT sign the POAs, though he acknowledges that if something happens to him, our hands are tied to help him.

The sons are currently taking care of him, the son who lives there taking every evening and night, and most of the weekends. The married son does days M-Th, and then goes to his job in the evenings. My dh does Fridays, though he has business obligations that sometimes interfere with it. FIL is highly impatient and I suppose you could say verbally abusive. The other two sons are on high b/p medicine and strokes run in the family. Everyone is at wit's end. We don't know what to do. FIL thinks everything's great, but it's not. His mental problem is a result of the stroke, not of Alz, so it's not going to progress, at least not much at this point...this could go on for a few months or 20 years (he's 73).

We don't know that he is really "incompetent", "disabled" enough mentally to require a guardian, and yet he won't cooperate enough for us to know what the whole picture is. We don't know if there is $$ to pay for custodial care, an assisted living facility, or whatever.

And we don't know what is the solution to our situation. He does not want a stranger in his house, he does not want to be in a nh...he has always been King of Denial. As far as he's concerned things are fine, but he can't get himself off of the couch without assistence, can't cut his own food, can't handle the bathroom, or a bath, by himself. He can be left alone for 1/2 hour or so in theory, but no longer, since he does tend to try to get up and falls fairly frequently. He thinks if we'd just leave him alone and check in once about mid-afternoon it would fine.

We're all so confused, so distraught. What do we do? Where do we go? This at-home care by his children is not working out. A hired caregiver would have to have the ability to lift him, etc., so most women are out. He's thin, but still takes much effort to lift him to standing, even with him helping as he can with his footed cane. With the lift chair, he can sometimes do it himself, but also sometimes overbalances and falls. A woman would not be able to get him out of the floor. We are in a rural area with limited resources as to caregivers.

Can someone please help me with suggestions? I don't even know where to begin. SIL has cut back on her job to assist her dh in giving care, but as I said, can't handle the physical part. I work fulltime. All of us are stretched financially, so cannot just pay for his care out of our own pockets. We want to help him. We just don't know how, what to do. Is this a guardianship situation? If not, what can we do to assure that his healthcare is taken care of should he have another stroke or other problem (he has had prostate cancer in the past, and dr warned that it would almost certainly come back at some point in time)?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DazedNConfused,

Hi D and C. Your FIL sounds very much like my husband in his disabilities. He is 75 and had a stroke 9 years ago. It left his left side paralyzed on the left. He also has what they call left neglect(doesn't notice things to the left-not just sight-all senses) He is half blind in each eye-he reads the right side of the eye chart perfectly but nothing on the left. We do have home support 5 days a week but I can handle him alone. He has a lift chair but I no longer let him use it- it was getting too difficult to get him back into his whch. Does your FIL have a pole beside the bed to hang onto when getting up? I think that is the most useful piece of equipment we have. We also have a rolling commode-no bucket- I transfer him at the bed and roll him into the bathroom over the toilet. For the first few years he could get into the tub using a bathbench. and wall bars. Last winter that became too difficult and we had a roll in shower put in where the tub was-it was worth it. Mike seems to have lose all sense of danger-We have to really watch him especially on his electric whch.I hope you can figure something out that works for all the family. It must be so difficult especially when going through your own grieving.My thoughts and prayers are with you and all your family during this difficult time. Do come back often and let us know how things are going. Gypsy

MB and Torp make some pretty good suggestions here baby try it out and dont worry if something (heaven forbid) happens they will have to treat him irreguardless of a POA and they will consider his kids suggestions in this. When my own mom passed they asked me my opinion as to what she would have wanted and I had no POA so there you go. You can breath a sigh of relief there

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Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
Hiya D&C - welcome! Does your dadhave any friends or business associates whose opinion he respects who would plead your case to him? Sometimes our elders will not listen to us because we're just KIDS... what would WE know? BUT if one of their trused friends or attorney or accountant, etc. were to approach the subject with them, well they have a much better chance of being "heard."

Best of luck and please keep us updated.

Excellent suggestion. Something else that occurred to me is whether Uncle Sam takes a bigger cut from an intestate estate. (I don't know whether this is true, but something to look into.) Sometimes their dislike for the IRS will trump their fear of facing mortality which is the ultimate reason they usually refuse to make a will.

Hiya D&C - welcome! Does your dadhave any friends or business associates whose opinion he respects who would plead your case to him? Sometimes our elders will not listen to us because we're just KIDS... what would WE know? BUT if one of their trused friends or attorney or accountant, etc. were to approach the subject with them, well they have a much better chance of being "heard."

Best of luck and please keep us updated.

Bunnys_grl, thank you for the kind words and welcome.

We do try to "jolly him along", keep him upbeat, and be there when he wants to discuss MIL, and thankfully he does want to talk out his feelings, because I do hope that helps his grief.

Our big fear is that the stress over the loss will cause him to have another stroke, and we won't have POA to authorize treatment, or to carry out his wishes about "extraordinary measures"--he's very emphatic about what he wants, but again, won't put anything in writing. ~sigh~~

Keeping him busy at what he likes--that's a huge challenge. His life was farming, he had no hobbies. And since the stroke, he even has difficulty reading (something about seeing only half of things). And his attention span is like a child's. We try to keep him in reading material, he watches TV, he goes for rides, but again, 15 minutes of any one thing and he is DONE.

One bro or his wife goes with him to appointments, but if it's the wife, FIL won't allow her to go in to the dr. with him. And as I said, he may agree in theory about something, but the bottom line is that he hears only what he wants to hear.

The situation of the boys taking care of him isn't going to work too much longer. The live-in son can handle the nights, but the other son who has most of the days is stressing out big time. FIL is the toughest on him, he has many other obligations/people he helps, a demanding job and his own family issues to deal with. My h works 6 days a week and has the 2 hour drive. this winter that is going to be a real issue, with the ice and snow that our area gets, as well as a second job that requires him to be away. I just don't know what to do.

DazedNConfused Welcome in What a dilemma you have here. My condolences on the passing of your MIL.
As to your FIL there really isnt much you can do when they are unwilling to budge even an inch. I feel badly for all of you I really do. Unless he has a setback that finally requires a guardian theres not much that can be done now except to keep doing what you all are doing and thats giving him the care he requires.
I dont know how your relationship is with this man but my best guess is he is really frustrated (and mourning his loss) and with everyone ganging up on him trying to bend him to their will sorta speak is making him even more stubborn now and set in his ways. I think in this situation I would hang back and just watch and not bring up these legal issues anymore (for the time being) get back to the living and let him mourn right now hes entitled to this as he did just lose his wife...Try to joke around with him, lighten his mood when you can, keep him busy with something he likes to do. Give it some time and he may surprise you all in the end.
When was the last time he went in for a checkup sweetie? Has his doc said anything to him? Does anyone go into the appointments with him? Just *listen* to what your FIL has to say this can be a good thing for you to hear his opinions and thoughts for a better way to handle this situation here.
Again welcome in!