...according to one of the NHs that was on my "let's revisit" list. The phone call came right out of the blue yesterday morning.

I'm still freaking out. I was expecting something like "Oh, it's a month's wait" when I'd call them back, but they beat me to it...Bed. Available. NOW. "When can you come in to do the paperwork?"

I promised myself I wouldn't dwell on this, so I drove down to the NH (20-minute ride) and filled out the paperwork. They're going to go to The Club™ within the next couple of days to assess Mom and start the Medicaid paperwork. Hubby and I have a thick booklet to fill out re anything and everything to do with Mom.

Speaking of hubby, he's more concerned about how I feel about all this than he does. I told him the only thing I'm nervous about now is physically getting Mom there. Everyone is saying that the transition will probably be smooth, given her stage and how docile she was in the hospital.

I keep asking how hubby's handling it. His response? "You mean we can finally clean out her room without any interruptions?" HUH?!?!?

Dan's Gal, I'm sorry I don't haave an answer for you, not familiar with your state, and my Mom's situation is different. Someone here will surely see your post and have a better idea.
I will say this, easy to say and hard to do, try not to borrow trouble. If you have a year or so of resources, make the best of it, and keep an eye on things. Situations change, and you never know just how until it happens. That can be good news or bad news, but if right now things are under control, make the best of it, and try not to second quess a year down the road.
So glad to hear you and your sister are in this together, and somewhere close to the same page, where your Mom is concerned. Planning and preparation are good, but don't let it eat you up. So glad you aren't alone. Of course here, you are always able to find someone to at least listen. I hear you, and hope with you, wish I could hold your hand for real while this works through. Bobcat

I have a question -- since mom has deteriorated my sis and I (after much research) decided to put mom in a nh. The doctor certified admittance, as did the dr. at the nh. ALL of the nurses' notes after her admittance said she was too high functioning for the home and that medi-cal (California's Medicaid) would not pay. She will be out of $$ soon so financially she absolutely will qualify. NF said they would need to discharge her (this is a Medi-cal accepting facility).

We know have her in a B & C which will be fine for a year or so then we will be out of $$ and B & C do not take Medi-Cal.

She is more than my sister and I can take care of; border line able to be in B & C ----- what now?

I'm dealing with "one day at a time" and maybe shouldn't worry a year in advance but that's just what I do. Has anyone dealt with Medi-cal not paying because of that? What happens to the elderly who have no one?????

quote:

Originally posted by embersmom:
mariabee, I have another friend who suggested the same thing -- i.e., not telling her until the morning we're taking her. She also added that my/our attitude MUST be upbeat and positive. She also suggested that we make it sound like Mom has a "job" to do there.

Absolutely! I think this is something I accidentally stumbled upon with my mom. I was upbeat just because it seemed that if I felt happy and encouraged by the prospects, it might rub off; make her feel more confident.

But, by telling her she needed to work with the therapists to get stronger in order to come back home, I inadvertently gave her a "job" to do. And if mom ever was anything, she certainly was a concientious and hard worker!

I bet your mom will do a wonderful job in her new environment! She sure sounds like a real gem

quote:

Posted May 18, 2007 10:07 PM Hide Post
Thanks for the welcome!!! I wish I had known of this forum years ago. I truly had no idea of the people in the same boat. It's kind of a relief to know you aren't alone. And that many others have much more difficult paths to travel than I.

Dan's Gal, this place really is a God-send! When I first started caring for my mom it really was a trial by fire, and everywhere I turned people told me I needed to get into a support group--I was on an express route to "crash and burn". But when you can't leave your loved one for even 10 minutes, how on earth are you supposed to get to a support group meeting!?

I knew there were others out there sharing my trials, some with loads of great ideas and experience...but finding them was another thing. And more than anything, I think I really needed **a friend**. I found that here too, thank goodness.

God bless this site...and ALL the people who make it great!

Thanks for the welcome!!! I wish I had known of this forum years ago. I truly had no idea of the people in the same boat. It's kind of a relief to know you aren't alone. And that many others have much more difficult paths to travel than I.

Mom pack some of her things last night and told the caregiver that she was leaving as soon as it got light. Her CG told her that they could talk it over in the morning. But of course she had to call me to remind me that she isn't equipped for wanderers. I'm sure mom will be ok in that department once she settles in.

She said she missed her dog (she hasn't had a dog in 10+ years). I'm reading more about dementia -- it is sooooo hard to comprehend that THEY can't comprehend.

And yes, Mariabee, I don't tell mom about doctors until we are about ready to take off. Even then she asks a million times where are we going.

quote:

Originally posted by embersmom:

I think she knows something's going on. She's been saying stuff like, "You're going to get rid of me" to hubby (not to me) for most of this week. Hubby, bless him, quickly turns it around.

It's like they have a second sense, isn't it? It must be tied to the self-preservation instinct or something.

mariabee, I have another friend who suggested the same thing -- i.e., not telling her until the morning we're taking her. She also added that my/our attitude MUST be upbeat and positive. She also suggested that we make it sound like Mom has a "job" to do there. Both at ADC and the hospital, she was the "greeter", saying hello to everybody, telling everybody how beautiful or handsome they are. And her singing! One night at the hospital she had the nurses singing along with her. So...no reason why she can't do the same at the NH, right?

I think she knows something's going on. She's been saying stuff like, "You're going to get rid of me" to hubby (not to me) for most of this week. Hubby, bless him, quickly turns it around.

quote:

Originally posted by embersmom:
Mom's doc thinks I shouldn't say anything.

*shrug* I don't know what to think.

Embersmom, this is one area in which YOU are the expert...not Doc. You know your mom and I'm sure that you did exactly the best thing that could have been done.

Late in 2005, when we had to place my mom in a SNF after a string of hospitalizations, all I could come up with for my mom was, "You need to go to the rehab center so that you will get stronger. I can't care for you well enough until you have some of your strength back. And when the doc says you are strong enough, I will bring you back home." (shame on me--I made the doc the bad guy!)

She didn't like this one little bit, but she did understand that there wasn't an alternative, and I think she knew that without the therapy she would end up back in the hospital--an idea she hated even more!

I never thought mom would ever leave that nursing home---but you know, my words to her almost seemed prophetic. Lo and behold, if she didn't eventually get strong enough for me to bring her back home to us! In fact she's doing even better now than when she first came home.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I think you're spot-on, and that you made a good choice in how to break the news.

Dan's Gal, welcome! I, too, have learned that informing Mom later, rather that earlier, is the way to go...even for something as simple as a doctor's appointment. I usually will say nothing until about 30 minutes before it's time to leave---otherwise she frets incessantly, and neither one of us has a single nerve left in tact by the time we get into the car!

Dan's Gal, don't we all live and learn. I just corrected a typo, I saw I had said lie and learn. Freudian slip I suppose, or just a slow v. I haven't said hello to you yet. Real glad to see you here. How is your Mom doing now?

To Embersmom --- My sister and I just went through this for the second time. The first time we told mom a week in advance of going to a NH. The only thing in the world that she was able to remember was that we were moving her and she didn't want to go wherever it was. Daily we had dozens of calls from her begging not to go there. It was truly a nightmare.

She only was there a week and my neice was able to take her for a year. Now we moved her to a Board & Care Home yesterday. We didn't tell her until the day before we packed. Again -- the only thing she could remember was we were moving her.

If I had it to do over again (I sure hope never again!!!!) I wouldn't tell her until the day we made the move. It only upset her and she didn't understand what was going on anyway ahead of time.

Good luck!!!!

Well, all the paperwork's in order. Mom was screened at ADC, the nurse there filled out the "Long Term Care" papers needed for Medicaid, Medicaid accepted it, and the county elder service closed her file. All that's left is moving some of her stuff in there before we actually bring her there this coming Monday.

One thing I like about this NH is that they gave us a "Personality Profile" booklet to fill out. They want to know everything, from Mom's background to her ADLs, her peculiarities, what triggers her agitation, etc. I never got anything from the NH that had the 6-month wait. Hmm.

My issue of the moment is how to break it to her. The ADC nurse suggested that I call the NH
"The New Club That Has Overnights" and not to really say anything beforehand because Mom won't comprehend nor remember it. Another RL friend whose mom is in a different NH says I should be honest and tell her that it's not safe for her to stay here any longer. I'm torn between the two, although I'm leaning toward "The New Club" explanation.

The other day we purposely drove past the NH with Mom while I was running errands. I didn't pull into the parking not, but I pointed out the building and how nice the landscaping was. I called it "An Overnight Club", and said to Mom, "It's a club like the one you go to every day, except people stay overnight. They do a lot of stuff. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Mom, of course, had no clue what I was talking about, so she nodded like she always does when she doesn't understand something.

Mom's doc thinks I shouldn't say anything.

*shrug* I don't know what to think.

The day I had to call 911 for my mother my husband was shocked.He never thought I would come to a point where I would know I was unable to care for her and keep her from harm,.It was a day from hell for me.Everything , except for the right meds never did what it was suppose to do.But , in her frame of mind and the things she was doing , so out of control I had no choice.If they had found the Geodon 3 years earlier things would have been so different.I am always so thrilled when placing a loved one becomes a pleasant choice.
When you are honest with your self and know you have limits you do what is best for all concerned

Embersmom, Is this the right place?? It was high on your list. and you and your hub need relief fast. Men make jokes about loss, .. when this is a done deal, his life will change too. He will feel her absence from your home just as you will. It will be a blessing and a curse. If you could keep her at her best, that would be great.

That is NOT an option.

Your Mom is a very fortunate person that you and your hub recognize you limits and find placement after a long time of caregiving. Hope this works out for you, Bobcaat

I know that you are relieved! This was our experience as well: 6 month wait, that only took four weeks. What we learned is that, often as not, when they contact the people ahead of you on the list those families have made other arrangements and pass.

Your husband's reaction doesn't sound unusual to me. My husband tends to cover emotions with bravado and jokes, especially if I'm freaking out or emotional. It's a guy thing, I guess.