I just wanted to update folks but since I'm not angry, I decided to post here. :-)

We went to go see the small assisted living home that looked most promising. It still looks good and unless Mom threatens to hold her breath till she turns blue, I think we'll take the room they had open. (She's been 80% cooperative about it, so if she pitches a fit this morning when we're so close, I may be back at the anger wall yet. ;-)

It was very nice. Only 15 residents, two of which are over 100. Mom's room would be nice and big (about 13x14) and she'd only have to share a bathroom with one other person. Three dogs in the house, which are supervised, and one declawed cat which does as it pleases. A nice patio area with a veggie garden and a rose border, and a fantastic view out the room's window of the Sierra foothills.

Prior to these owners taking over in 2004, it was a nursing home, so the corridors are nice and long and wide. From what we saw of the current residents, they were friendly. Some were pretty out of it but no one was raving or following us down the hallway or trying to jump the fence. They were very, very prideful about their meals. It's residential on the next block over, and one of the neighbors brings his summer garden surplus to them, which is nice. And it smelled good in the house, which was a good sign, I thought.

Since it's within two blocks of the hospital, Mom's GP makes visits there, which was an unexpected bonus. The owner knew him on a first name basis and had one other resident with Parkinson's, so it is not unfamiliar to her. She's an RN, as is her husband, so yet another plus.

Really, the only complaint I came up with on an inspection was that the wall colors were phenomenally intense, but the owner said since older vision tends to be dim, they do that on purpose. If that's the only thing I could see wrong, then I think it's worth a try. My sister and her boyfriend approved as well, and even Mom admitted the view and patio were very nice.

In theory, we'll call to accept today, put down a deposit and start filling out paperwork. I fear that will make that it little too real for Mom, but my sister can talk a blue streak and since she liked the place, I'm going to let her do the cajoling, if it's required.

Cross your fingers for us. I can't say I feel happy, or guilty, or anything at the moment really. Been so many ups and downs in the last months I'm trying to reserve emotion for when I'm sure which emotion it should be, but I can feel a cautious optimism in the background. I hope that keeps growing as time shows it was well placed. :-)

Hi Bobcat,

I'd say things are going well, hence my not complaining here so much! I call Mom every other day and we see her once a week, plus doctor's visits. That keeps us sane.

Mom has deteriorated a little (her Parkinson's) and has taken two falls this last month but fortunately, neither was serious. One of them especially bothered me because she fell over backwards and needed two stitches in her scalp, but the assisted living home had her to the hospital and back lickety split. I'm so glad they're right across the street from ER.

Her doc's increased her carbidopa amount and that seems to be helping. She still loves going to Bingo every day and they're soon to have an auction so residents can spend their Bingo bucks. Everyone is eagerly anticipating that.

Her memory keeps getting worse and worse, and she'll still say any damn thing that crosses her mind without thinking, at all, how it affects others, but now that there's some breathing room to calm down after it happens, it's much happier for all concerned.

You folks sure did help me out when things were darkest and no one who hasn't been through it understood. Bless every one of your hearts. :-)

It was really good to see you around today. When you find a moment, can you let us know how your Mom is doing? Sure do hope the origional positive outlook is still the case.

Oh, yes, clearing out "stuff". Between Mom and Dad there are close to 400 birthday, Mom's day Father's day, etc. greeting cards in dresser drawers, behind the microwave, in the silver ware drawer. 5 thick post card albums (which may have serious value) boxes of old tin prints, silvertypes and Deguerreotypes, old sewing goods, gorgeous buttons, non precious jewelry, and bits of old lace.

I have the luxury to ask Mom about some things and sometimes get answers. If she says it, I write it down, although, some things don't seem possible.

I go through closets and ask Mom what should go to Good Will or Salvation Army. Bro gets alarmed, but Mom and Dad always gave, so why not now?? I asked Mom if she thought Dad would be happy about his clothes dry rotting in closets when there might be a person who needed them. She said, "Are they still here?? Why??"
There are some real surprises, and some real "take me back to the days" stuff.

Best wishes, Op. There are going to be a lot of things you find that will jerk you around. Some things will really catch you off guard. I found some of my favorite picture books in the bottom of a chest. I can't imagine getting Bro to look at these things. He has told me that if Mom will let it go, he doesn't want to know.

So glad to hear that this place seems to be working for you all.

quote:

I already see signs that she's getting used to it and it would be as hard to get her to leave as it was to get her to try it.

I hear so many stories from people about how hard it was to convince a parent to leave their home and when they settle in they adjust and are happy about the change!

Quote "I'm very pleased she is making "Bingo buddies" and looks forward to that time every day now." Quote

Ah, the amazing powers of BINGO!

Just a little update. Wanted to say Mom continues to do well in her new residence. She's full of complaints but they're little ones, easily addressed. I'm very pleased she is making "Bingo buddies" and looks forward to that time every day now.

Some days she's in a foul mood and lashes out but most days, she's about as happy as I'd say she's going to get. Occasionally she says something ominous like "I don't know how long I'm going to stay here," as if moving to the penthouse at the Hilton was one of her options, but since she never follows up on it, we let it go without comment. If it helps her to think this place is temporary, so be it. I already see signs that she's getting used to it and it would be as hard to get her to leave as it was to get her to try it.

I'm going through her house now, getting it emptied so it can be rented or sold. That's emotionally difficult but has to be done, of course. Dad's clothes to the second-hand shop this last weekend; Mom's books to the second-hand shop with the remainder going to the public library and hospital this week. It is heartening to see how very welcome the goods are; knowing they will be used and appreciated helps a lot.

Hope all are well and have a great rest of the day! :-)

quote:

"Someone was needed to go to the hospital this morning. It upset me. Just reality, I guess."

I can see the source of her anxiety and what sets to fretting and complaining. She's afraid.
You handled it well. One fact we accept is that there are good days AND bad days.
___________________________________________________________________________
"My hubby is laughing and smiling a lot more. It's nice to see."
___________________________________________________________________________


Our responsibility lies not just with our LO's happiness but with our family's as well.
Hang in there! You are doing a great job!

Well, she's back to usual. When I visited yesterday, she was lying on her bed moaning "Ohlordyohlordyohlordy."

"Are you in pain?!"

"No."

"What upset you? Was someone mean to you?" (I was afraid one of the other residents and she got into a tiff.)

"No."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Someone was needed to go to the hospital this morning. It upset me. Just reality, I guess."

"Yes. I'm sorry about that --"

Then she sat up, took a deep breath, and complained for fifteen minutes straight. She complained about the food, the bathroom, her window being too bright, the shower, her clothing, the patio and the weather. She complained about the curtains being closed and she complained about them being open. She complained about her books, her towels, and her furniture.

When she ran out of air, I made her get up and go walking outside with me. She finally ran out of complaining steam about forty-five minutes later.

Know the best part? I was able to be kind and supportive throughout because I knew that I would be leaving and someone else would get to serve her the lunch she would complain about.

I spoke to my sister in the evening. She had spoken to Mom in the afternoon and said Mom admitted she was in a horrible mood and had a lot of complaints but that I had answers to solve all of them. Sis said Mom did not sound pleased about that. Like me, she has concluded Mom WANTS to complain and doesn't like it when deprived of the opportunity if someone solves problems.

But I don't care because I don't have to see her again till this evening and by then she'll have calmed down a bit and, even if she hasn't, we get to go home after the complain deluge.

So glad we did this. Mom seems about the same and we're sure doing a whole lot better. My hubby is laughing and smiling a lot more. It's nice to see.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIbv9hdWbYs&feature=related

frets on fire. Barracuda by Heart

So happy for mom and you!

Mom was in a good mood when we visited her yesterday morning. It really threw us. Didn't expect it.

She liked her room, and she liked her dinner companions, and she liked that they watch her evening news program during dinner so her routine is similar. She was walking on the patio when we arrived to visit. We thought maybe she was out there waiting for us to arrive but it turned out, no, she was just out for her morning stretch.

I never expected her to be so positive. Yeah, she complained about the food much to the owner/cook's chagrin but she clearly likes him. I warned him she will ALWAYS complain about the food until she has trained people to accept what she will and will not eat.

I hope it keeps going this well. Her doc started her on a pediatric dose of Zoloft last week and I cannot help but wonder how much that has to do with her smiling from time to time. Not that she seems drugged up but she did seem a little less like Marvin the Robot yesterday. What a pleasant surprise.

Yay!

Well, she's on her own now for her first night. She was getting pretty confused by the time we left but not so bad as when she went to the hospital back in April.

I felt a bit of an ass. I interrupted one of the staff who was prepping dinner and told her "Mom's feeling really shy about walking into the dining room tonight with all the new people. I wonder if you'd be so kind as to walk her in and introduce her tonight?"

"Sure, I'll be sure to go to her room and get her. And I'll walk her around and make sure she knows the lay of the land, too. Is this her now?"

And there was my "shy" mother tromping down the hall, peering into each open door as she went with no shame at all. "Er... yes, that's her. But she really is shy around new people so we appreciate the help."

What the staff person thought, I don't know, but as we left she was giving Mom the grand tour. Now instead of feeling no emotions, I'm feeling all of them. Relief, regret, sadness, glee. We'll see which one is the winner as the days go by.

(The barracuda pic made me laugh. We didn't bring Mom's today -- thought we'd let them get to know her a few days before we hang big fish with sharp teeth over her door. ;-)

Power of positive thinking.... Your Mom is going to be just fine,, better than fine.

Opi,
Sending positive vibes to help in this endeavor.

It's moving day. Just taking a break to say hi! Mom is taking it pretty well, mainly being agitated about whether we know what we're doing moving furniture. (We do.) They're expecting her to stay from dinner tonight on.

I sure hope this works out but we've assured her over and over that if it doesn't, she'll be whisked away back to live with us and we'll find a solution that does work. Let's hope first time is the charm! :-)

Op. It sounds like you have approached this covering your bases and not burning bridges. Your intention to maintain her home for a while as a safety net against failure to adjust is admirable. It also sounds like this arrangement has renewed your enthusiasm to care for your Mom.

I just want to say this about adjustment and/or decline. First, I am not an authority, but I think it is fair to say this after all the experiences shared here and with others. If they will make this move while they can still participate and make friends, they will do much better than they will later when they can't. Decline happens and you can never know for sure if the move was the cause or not. Moves do involve stress, no doubt about it, but all change is "stress" by definition, for better or worse. But also trying to avoid all stress just doesn't work in life, avoiding change can be just as bad because it leads to decay. Some stimulation is necessary.

When we can't be "the one" the best we can do is find "the one". Fingers crossed. I believe your Mom will be really pleased with the activities and companionship, and the pets. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

quote:

They even said Mom could hang her stuffed baracuda over her door in the hall. I'm glad. She caught it in the Florida Keys before I was born and I can't imagine it not hanging on the wall. Now, it still will be.

OMG, You are making me laugh soooo hard!
Thanks, I needed that! XOXO

Hi DOCHKA,

Looks like we're checking in at the same time. Thanks for the support.

I do feel like I'm a little more aware of what we're dealing with and what I'm capable of. My big worry now is whether we're right and she'll be happier or if she will decline. But we all know only time will tell, so I'm trying my best to be relaxed. Sometimes, I even succeed. :-)

Mom's accepted it! Yay! She's still fretting she can't afford it but I told her, quite truthfully, that with her social security and her savings, she has enough to pay for over five years, and with selling or renting her house in addition to that, she really should feel pretty secure. I told her she is not going to live to 110 but if I'm wrong and she makes it to 109, THEN she should feel free to worry about money. She laughed, which was nice to see.

She might move as early as this weekend. We're taking her in for a required TB test today, and the results should be in by Friday. That's the only thing left that's needed to move in. If the test results lag and don't come till Monday, we'll probably do it the weekend after, so it can all be in one day and she's subjected to as little chaos as possible.

She's been giving my sister and me little bits and pieces she doesn't want to take, like the bulk of her pottery collection and the china, so I think she's really sure she's going. It helped morale when I kept reminding her that we'd pick her up every weekend and have her over to our house for lunch and an in-person visit. And my sister has spent hours reassuring her and answering her questions over and over. Thank God for that because that's the kind of thing that makes me want to scream after the first thirty minutes or so.

The staff has continued to be as helpful and flexible as anyone could ask. If they're just putting on a front to make a good first impression, well, they're putting a lot of effort into it. I think they're just genuinely nice folks. They even said Mom could hang her stuffed baracuda over her door in the hall. I'm glad. She caught it in the Florida Keys before I was born and I can't imagine it not hanging on the wall. Now, it still will be.

Fingers still crossed and feeling even a little more optimistic. I know there will be bumps in the road but now I feel like there is at least a road to follow. I'm glad for that, for now. :-)