Thank God I found this Forum. This week has been an emotional roller coaster and I need some major support.

After friends reported my father's very dangerous driving behaviors while following them to the Cape this summer, I contacted his doctor and insisted he submit a form to the NYS DMV for a driving test.

Last week, he got notification of his driving test October 15th. Then yesterday, they received another letter saying his license is suspended due to a medical condition from his doctor.

My father is pissed as hell at me. My mother seemed to be on my side and understanding. I have been adamant about not being the silent by-stander when I know people's lives are in danger, including hers!

I'm OK with him being pissed off at me if it means he stays safe. But now my oldest brother (I'm the youngest of 3 and the only girl) is accusing me of reporting him to the DMV! And he seems to be lobbying to keep my father DRIVING. Even after 3 eye witness accounts of him pulling out in front of oncoming cars from his driveway and cutting people off on the Mass Pike.

My brother and now my mother have decided he can drive locally. Hello?? This is not a local problem! I feel very alone, as I'm the only one who seems to see it the way it is. I am very solution oriented and told my mother, if his license is revoked, I will find a transportation solution (not that he goes many places!).

My father will be 90 in January. He has peripheral neuropathy and has no sensation from the knees down. Aside from this physical aspects, his attitude behind the wheel is worse and worse. He cannot remember how to get from point A to point B and is completely belligerent to passengers who attempt to give him directions. He goes wherever he pleases, taking hours to get to his destination. I think this is a big problem too.

If anyone out there has advice on how to deal with my posturing brother (who is making me the bad guy), please speak up. Also, if anyone knows about New York State driving rules, tests, etc. please let me know that too.

Other than that, I just need reassurance and support that I am acting responsibly and from a place of love for my father. If anything tragic happened and I hadn't done anything about it, I would never be able to live with myself. I'm very frustrated that my brother does not see this! He just doesn't want dad to lose his independence! I'm so sick of that freaking excuse, I could scream!

A friend's friend's son was killed by a guy whose daughter knew he shouldn't be driving but she did nothing about it. Now she has to live forever knowing she was complicit in an unnecessary death. I will not be that kind of daughter!!

Thanks for any and all ideas, advice, words of wisdom!

Kimberlee

quote:

would that be BABS, (bad a## baby sisters.)??

****SNORK, SPEW, COUGH****
There went my coffee all over the screen

LOVE It!

Uh, would that be BABS, (bad a## baby sisters.)??

How 'bout something that goes with BABY ... bad a** something or other??? LOL

Well, well, I also had 2 older bros and am the only girl. It hasn't been what people would "ass-u-me". I haven't had the same problems, but I did do it "my way". (Not that it helped any with my credibility, but fortunately, no one knows the half of it. ) (and I ain't tellin' either, no how, no where, no when ).

Oddly, I think in my case I invented more trouble than there actually was... often pushing back even before the shove. My mother's family seems long lived. It really hasn't mattered who was older, what the gender mix, how many, or only one. Some one feels a sense of responsibility and steps up to the plate,,,OR,, it gets dumped on the "weak link".

I would very much like to be a charter member in the "Strong Baby Sister's Club" but we need a name with a good acronym. SBSC is a little weak. Let's work on it.
'

quote:

Originally posted by Susan S.:
I finally had to tell mine that I don't see a "Kick Me" sign on my butt and to quit giving me a hard time.

*standing ovation*

EDIT: I keep chuckling over this. Maybe you need to set up a Cafepress store and design t-shirts with this printed on it. I don't think it costs anything, no investment. You promote your shirts, and they print them when people order them and send you a cut.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: T.O.R.P.,

Thanks for writing and commiserating. When I hear other's stories, I don't see my situation as that bad! At least he wrote an "amends" email (altho I have not read it yet).

STRONG BABY SISTERS UNITE!!

Let's start a club!!

I'm going to make that sign and send it to the A.H. brother!!

I'm in North Alabama, Kimberlee.
I just saw where you asked if anyone had advice on how to deal with your posturing brother - oh, don't get me started! I finally had to tell mine that I don't see a "Kick Me" sign on my butt and to quit giving me a hard time. He accused me of being a "martyr" while caring for Mom. I really lost it then. He who would not even visit her because "he didn't 'do' hospitals and sick people". I'm also the youngest of three and the only girl, that's funny! And we should be spoiled and undependable, what happened?

quote:

Unfortunately, Dad still has enough of his faculties to make it impossible to do such things, Mom's Buddy.

All kinds of things are possible, although I understand that , with 2 vehicles, both going lame is a bit suspicious. Still, batteries go dead, O2 sensors go nuts, (It used to be a lot easier with you could pull the distributor cap, but what the hay.

Granted you don't want to seriously damage the vehicle like what might happen if you put suger in the gas tank, and if he has his own favorite mechanic, you might have to bribe that guy, maybe ask him if he really likes having your Dad on the road while his grandkids are getting on or off the school bus. Hopefully youwill be pleasantly srprised by the grassroot cooperation you can get.

Ah, a promise. Good reason. It sounds to me like you have worked out a situation that works for both, remembering to take care of numero uno first! Where do you live?

I'm not getting anything by holding onto the sense of duty - just the knowledge that I'm not shirking what I feel are my responsibilities. I'm thinking of duty as responsibility. I also promised my Mom on her deathbed that I would handle Dad. I just didn't think he would last 10 more years (and counting!). Poor Mom couldn't even die in peace she was so worried about leaving him for me to see to. Where I have stood up for myself is in not allowing him to move in with me. He doesn't want to, because he knows I won't allow his "woman" to set foot in my home so he wants to stay in his own house. That gives me time alone in MY house which I need. I also don't spend much time at his house, but I make sure he has what he needs and take him to all his doctor appts. so I can handle his health care issues. He wants me to do that so at least there's no conflict in that area!

Good points, Bobcat. Thank you.

Might want to ask yourself what YOU are getting by holding onto the sense of "duty." How do you define "duty?"

I hear you about the highway. I want to hit it too!!

Unfortunately, Dad still has enough of his faculties to make it impossible to do such things, Mom's Buddy. That's a sweet name for you to use. IF my Mom was still around I'd be her buddy. The shame of it all is that Mom was the sweetest person, easy-going, would work with you on anything to make it as pleasant as possible. Dad - the opposite. HIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY, and believe me, the highway is beginning to look pretty darn good. Wish I didn't have such a deep-seated sense of duty.

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotta love the creativity in this Forum!!

Oh good, well then you are covered! Please keep me posted!

Susan, if no one's using his car, and if he decided to TRY to drive it, you could...ummmm... make it not work... then you could have it towed to the mechanic's (park it at a friend's place)... then, it could be there for months because of an out-of-stock part... then the mechanic's shop could burn down/get struck by a meteor/be quarantined because it was overrun with giant rats/ the mechanic ran off with the parts woman to Arruba and everything in the shop was impounded by the Feds for back taxes and they can't find his car in the impound yard or have to wait until the whole thing gets through the courts to get the car back...

I do have POA and Medical Proxy, and am the only family member he has to do anything for him. Luckily at this moment, he's not physically able to get out of the house and into the vehicle to drive without assistance, and if the woman who is sitting with him assists him, she will definitely be contributory. I only hope he doesn't get "just enough better" to toddle out there on his own and take off. I think I would be able to see it coming, but right now he can barely make it to the bathroom and back! If he does get better I will do my best to prevent him from driving, including talking to his primary care physician again. He's already told Dad not to drive until he is released by his orthopedic doctor AND he passes the driving test (which is a simulator) given by the state trooper's office. We'll see how it goes!

Hey, welcome. I'm not so sure that you wouldn't be culpable. I did some research and saw something about Elder Abuse cases where kids did not report something that would endanger the well being of their parents. Do some research yourself and see what your state's laws are around that.

I also found that there are Adult Protective Services who will intervene if the parent is in danger and refuses to do something about it. Again, check with your state's Office for Aging. If you are in NYS, there is one!

Aside from that, it's your choice to hold the "tough love" concept that others have mentioned in this thread. Only you know whether or not you want to live with a tragedy, knowing YOU could have prevented it.

Do you have any legal rights, as in PoA or Health Proxy for your Dad? If not, go to that person and if possible, make a plan and execute.

In case I didn't post it early, here's a true story:
A friend's best friend's 19 y/o son was pulling out of his driveway on his motorcycle when an elder hit and killed him. That elder's daughter KNEW he had dangerous driving behaviors but "didn't have the heart" to do anything about it b/c she didn't want him to lose his independence AND she was afraid of his anger toward her. Now that woman lives every day of her life knowing she was responsible for a wrongful death! (I don't know if she was sued, but she could have been, as could have the elder!)

If you've read this whole thread, you'll know what my vote is!

Blessings,
Kimberlee