Hi. I've posted here before about my mom. I have a specific question about my brother. Since my mom has been having financial issues and I have been trying to figure out what to do for her and helping her fill out paperwork, helping her sort through papers and make phone calls, not to mention the normal stuff like setting up a new cell phone (actually one of my old used cell phones), being there with the phone company while they try to fix her regular phone, etc. etc. yada yada, my brother has ridden off into the sunset.

Granted, I have called him a couple of times somewhat irate because he is not helping or calling me, but still, shouldn't he call me to find out what is going on with mom? I know he is talking to her, but she can barely remember what I tell her. He knows that.
I suspect he does not agree with my idea of help for her, but at least I'm doing something. At the very least, I need to know if he is not going to help so I can stop hoping that I have someone on my side.
Any thoughts? Or do I just have to try to be nice to him even though I think he's a loser and manipulator? Sorry, guess I'm mad.
Oh, also, tonight I started emailing him. He doesn't like when I email him instead of calling him, but he won't respond to my voicemails. And my emails were very civil. Thoughts?

Thanks for the wisdom mb. It's much appreciated.

My brother did call me yesterday morning. He talked to my mom and tried to calm her down. He said that I need to take it one step at a time with her and that even though he isn't physically helping, that he is talking to her multiple times per week about what she and I are doing.
Yes, I would like the 3 of us to sit down, but it doesn't sound like that is going to happen. He is too busy with his family. Because I don't have children, I am seen as more available than he is.
He did say that is things don't work out with keeping her place/finding her a place to live, that he will take her in. That makes me feel a little better. I am trying to take it one step at a time and be more patient with both of them. I guess I'm a little high strung and a "get it done" type of person. They are kind of the opposite - a little too laid back.
Maybe we can all come to a happy medium somehow.
At least it sounds like he supports my ideas, but we shall see. He has acted supporting in the past and turned around and done things with/for my mom behind my back without consulting me. Breathe....One step and day at a time.

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I emailed back a nice note to say that I'd still like to go through papers with her tomorrow rather than delay and if he has any additional news after talking to her, to let me know.

Why don't all three of you sit down and go over things together? If your mom becomes too confused and frustrated, it should happen in front of BOTH her children so everyone is on the same page regarding Mom's cognitive abilities. You and bro may have to cooperate and take care of this for her. After a point, talking with parents becomes more than they can handle and causes more problems than it solves to include them. It's hard to really realize that our parents just can't keep up any longer and each person gets to that understanding in their own way, in their own time. While I could accept certain aspects of my Mom's decline better than my sister could, it affected me more emotionally. She was better at dealing with "what is" and not grieving over things she cannot change. It's good to have some teamwork going on, but it begins with respecting one another's differences and points of view. Sounds like your bro wants to keep Mom "in the loop" as much as possible. It's scary to make decisions for other people and many folks are loathe to do so. Be kind to all concerned, not so much for their sakes, but for your own sanity. If ya start this road fighting and feuding, it takes energy away that will be sorely needed later on down the line. Best wishes for a good outcome!

I emailed my brother today to let him know that I have to keep reminding mom about the papers we need for her loan modification and that she is getting confused and mixed up easily and that I am only trying to help her, not frustrate her. I told him that I am willing to help her gather the documents we need and if you has any time to lend a hand or any questions, to let me know.
He emailed me back to say that he has to talk to mom about all of this and will get back to me. I'm not sure what that meant. Does he have another plan now? Is he going to talk to her about her confusion? Is he going to help? I'm not sure. I guess that's the trouble with email.
I emailed back a nice note to say that I'd still like to go through papers with her tomorrow rather than delay and if he has any additional news after talking to her, to let me know. I guess this is the best we can do for now with the email.

I had the same problems with my siblings. I did everything except beg for their help, to no avail. Now I don't bother with them, I don't call if anything happens, nothing, I feel like if you really want to no whats going on then participate, if not, I'm not going to tell you. Honestly I think they like it this way, I got so drained from wondering why they weren't helping and why they didn't care it was bad, and really we can't change the way people think, we just have to look at it differently and that's what i do now. I also think they will have terrible guilt some day and who's fault will that be? It sure can be hard at times.

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Sometimes dealing with mom's stuff just drains me of all the strength I thought I had.

There is nothing easy about ANY of this! It puts strain on us in places we didn't even know we HAD places!!! But it IS a worthwhile task in life where we bring to bear EVERYTHING we've ever learned and experienced! It's frustrating and a lot of it feels like being in therapy... The situation has so much to teach us in so many directions, it's a wonder that anytone makes it through! But one step at a time, we all DO make it, and we all DO learn!

Thanks all. I guess deep down I know you are all right about not expecting others to act a certain way. I think I just had to "hear" it. I am fully capable of being an adult and being civil, maybe even pleasant. I just need to draw on my strength. Sometimes dealing with mom's stuff just drains me of all the strength I thought I had.
Thanks for grounding me in reality.

Oh, and one more thing. I am keeping track of everything I'm doing and will be "paid" out of the estate before it's divided (I'm executrix). I also am going to take the state allowed executrix fee. I have earned every penny of it. After I get that, we'll split the remainder. My brother knows I'm going to take the pay, and is 100% ok with it.

As I told my best friend, there are advantages to being an only child. I went through six months of my mom dying from a brain tumor, my Dad was combative and non-helpful, my brother was unavailable because he "just can't deal with illness" and my other drug-addict brother was in Texas blessedly out of the way. I did it ALL and I'm now doing it ALL again with my Dad. Luckily (please don't think evil of me) my Texas brother passed away and won't be a problem, but my living brother has taken a job out of state, his wife is still in town but refuses to do anything for Dad, my brother won't even call him any more (they have a good reason to be mad at him but it still puts me in the middle). He was in town last week and didn't call me or Dad. I have no help. So, I pretend I don't have any brothers at all. If he calls me I give him an update and if anything major occurs I'll call and tell him about it. That's it. I expect NOTHING from him because I won't get it. It's like the others have said, you can't expect to get others to behave, they are responsible for themselves and the only control we have is how we respond to them. I choose to detach and go it alone. I have great friends and my Christian family and they are my support.

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my brother has ridden off into the sunset.

Granted, I have called him a couple of times somewhat irate because he is not helping or calling me, but still, shouldn't he call me to find out what is going on with mom? I know he is talking to her, but she can barely remember what I tell her. He knows that.

What BC said is so true. How YOU expect someone to behave sets you up for disappointment. Fussing at them when they don't meet YOUR expectations sets up a pain/avoidance situation. Try to keep your calls pleasant, short and informative. Your brother is a guy... he doesn't wanna hear every detail of what happened while you waited for the telephone guy nor how frustrating every second was for you! Emotional barrages repel men like the smell of rotten flesh! Just tell him the phone thing got done & it peeved you to have to wait for the guy.

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Or do I just have to try to be nice to him even though I think he's a loser and manipulator?

Come on to him with that attitude and he'll be gone from the scene so fast it'll make your head swim! Who wants to cooperate with someone who thinks they are a loser?

This is the time in life to hang up the sibling rivalry and behave like cooperative, respectful adults to one another. It will go easier for both of you and most especially, your mother. As if the lives of our elders were not challenging enough to them, having their adult children fighting & sniping is horrible for them!

You've got a ways to walk on this road - best to try to gain cooperation and demonstrate your ability to get along rather than alienating him right from the get-go... There's always time for that later should he prove to be an evil PITA! Good luck!

What some one else "should do" "should WANT to do" is just not something that we can make happen. It is best to have no expectations in such cases and then maybe you can be pleasantly surprised one day.

I am sorry if my thoughts are not what you had hoped for, but the best you may get from him is if he doesn't interfere. Continue to be civil, no sense burning bridges when no one is coming to cross them. I did throw a bunch of stuff out in the yard once though and set fire to it, it wasn't about Bro,,,, other stuff.