Hello,
Does anyone have an idea where I could get some type of adjenda for a family meeting.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated

Thank you for your insight I think you hit the nail right on the head. I know for my part I am not the one to do the paper work. I have been expressing the need to respect grandma and continue sending out cards and small gifts to her grandchildren. This would give the sensitive one a way to get involved if she chooses to be. I am also looking into getting a pro. mediator that has experience with these issues to help us stay on tract and be productive. Thank you thank both of you for your encouragement and insight.

Each family's issues are different, so the agenda has to be fit to the reasons for calling the meeting. HOWEVER, there is ONE thing that should precede EVERY family meeting:
EVERYONE checks their emotional guns and knives at the door.

Sibling issues, parental relationship issues have to be put aside. This ISN'T supposed to be a free-for-all of "Mommy loved you best" or "you were ALWAYS mean to me" whining. It's isn't about each of the family members - it's about developing a stratgegy for caring for the parents. It has to be a meeting where adults meet as peers with an equal interest. If one member chooses to opt out, note that and move on without them.

Each person brings a different skill set. One person might be an angel of patience while another has NO patience and has a "kill 'em all & let god sort 'em out" approach. EACH has its function in caring for an elderly parent. One might be better for direct patient care; the other might be better overseeing monetary issues. The overly sensitive one might be just the right person to use as a public contact for the parent and to write thank you notes, etc.

Treating one another with RESPECT instead of the contempt that often erodes family meetings is imperative to getting cooperation from everyone.

Come to the meeting ready to compromise and understand one another. This is NOT a time for fighting - people can do that when their parents are dead if they choose. A family meeting is to make decisions on how to proceed, count who wants to be involved and in what capacity and to get a plan of action going.

Sometimes, it helps to have a non-family member preside so that everyone is on equal footing.

Good luck!

This other person has some mentatl health issues. She has a thyriod imbalance and in addition to that she has syffers from depression and very low self estem. I would love to take a vaction from it all and alow others to do this. I will not though because things are going alright now the tendency for this family would be to leave it be. I how ever have seen this play and know how cloudy memories get and emotions that come when someone dies take over. I am looking to decress the chances of any issues being left to chance in the end.

No honey I understood it was a metaphor of sorts...
What I was referring to is all that you have done and continue to do still.
What I mean is to take a vacation away from it all let the others produce this list of what they expect not you its not your job alone you know what I mean?
But if this is something that you really want to do then draw up an outline of what it is you expect.
Is there a scheduling issue?
If this other person is hurt why is she hurting?
What are the issues your dealing with?
Is there a standard of care issue?

Im really trying to get at what it is your having trouble with...everyones list is different you know what I mean?
Issues with care, meds/setting up and getting meds, scheduling, travel, dr's appts, who takes which shift, does grocery shopping

I am sorry I was not clear. I am no longer in nursing. I now have a job that I adjust my schedule according to when others can come and sit with grandma. My son and I went away for the week just before school started. My mother &Father in-law took over. The reason for the family meeting is to get all this stuff down in writing to avoid hurt feelings. We do have one family member in particular that is hurt very easily and I want her to feel heard and a part of her mothers life. The reason I loved hospice work is because people who were dying did not have time for BS. Don’t get me wrong if they were miserable rotten people in life there was no miraculous change. What I mean is you didn’t have to watch a show of them trying to be nice before you know who you were caring for. So walking on eggshells is not my cup of tea. I have made a lot of omelets in my life. At the end of the day I live in me and I sleep the sweet sleep of knowing I did what I could and loved well.

Wow ya mind if I take a seat on the train your taking to vacationville Im tired just reading all that!
**bowing to the traveling hospice nurse**
Hmmm sounds familiar....

Ok just my 2 cents drop everything take a vacation talk to your family (YOUR family) not extended and ask them if this is the life they want to lead.
While I understand the compulsion to want to help everybody in need sometimes we lose sight of whats most important...our own family unit our spouses and children.
With my job and yes I do work Hospice also, that in itself is a stress filled job but one I love with a passion BUT I require one entire day usually Sunday with my family to heal and I do say no to cases.
Honestly hun I think its time to shift your focus to whats most important at the end of a day your family and home let everyone else work a little Im fairly certain you have earned this time off.

You my dear are a very funny lady. I love that I believe if I wasn't a little crazy to stat with I would be completely nuts now. My story is long full of hurt. I started off being a nursing assistant in a nursing home became a nurse and went to hospice. I married my husband who happened to have a dead uncle who fathered two girls with a crazy lady a year 4 years after we were married this girls were put in foster care along with their 1/2 brother. We did not want to see them split up so we said we would take them. They lived with us for about 18m. I went on call with my job since they had many needs. Then they returned to their mother. Toward the end of their stay with us I noticed visiting my grandma that she was not always remembering if she took her insulin and the box of pills was not always in order. I thought some of her confusion might be do to her inaccurate medication regime. So I talked to my dad and he called a family meeting. All his siblings, grandma, and I sat down and talked. I told my grandma how very much I loved her I reminded of all of the things she did for me growing up right next door to them. I said I would like her to be safe and stay in the best health she could be. I asked if she would like to move in with me. No she wanted to stay in her condo. So we made a list of needs every day in the morning I would go over and make sure she had breakfast and took the meds that were set out for her the night before. My uncles and aunts went to give night meds and check out needs, each had their night, and if they couldn't make it the had one of their kids come. I did the Dr. apt. and most of the shopping. I have one aunt who is a nun so she came home almost every weekend. Slowly she became slower, stiffer and needed more and more help getting dressed bathing, ect. One morning my broke her hip. When she was in the hospital the family thought it would be wise for her to go to the nursing home to rehab. There she went into CHF and was sent to ER. Another trip to the hospital. Where the family meeting was held the priest told my family my grandma was dying. I said she has dementia she had a major surgery, pneumonia and CHF and bounce from place to place it
was way to early to say were she would end up but I asked the doctor if she would qualify for hospice she did and we went to her home with the help of my family I made a schedule that provided 24 hour care. Then My aunt came home for a summer vacation.
Then came the devastating news my husbands grandpa had a brain tumor. Things progressed very quickly and he soon needed someone with him all the time one day I came to give grandma a break. When she came home I sat down and talked to them both. I said I thought the changes in grandpa might be happening a little quicker then any could keep up with and asked if they wanted more people around to help. Relief, for them as apprehensive and scared family members flocked to offer every alternative treatment know to man. Since my aunt was home and grandpa was cared for we decided to go up to my mom and dads cabin with my siblings. On call 24/7 for two now but still at least they couldn't expect me(my grandmas family who never hesitate to ask for help)to come home being 4 hours away. but as I visited with my in-laws(Who would never dream of making a request) I heard worry. I told my husband we needed to leave a few days early. When we were about 30 miles away at around 10 at night I called and asked how is grandpa. "I am sure he would like to see you we can take the boys if you want." Confused why take the boys. Turns out the man who never swore was swearing. My boys stayed and I explained to them what was happening. We never really returned home grandpa was suffering with pre-morbid anxiety. The tumor was causing weakness on his left side, some aphasia and field cut. I worked on explaining the changes to all the family members begging them to accept hospice. But something should cure him we can not let him die. I explained to all of them that acceptance of the progression was important otherwise we would not every be able to give grandpa what he needs. I warned my husband when he dies I will be the bad guy because I spoke the truth and continued to speak it until one day it was heard. I was here 24/7 and another family member was with me all the time to help. On this day his grandson tried to get grandpa to sit in the wheelchair because the tumor now was affecting both sides of his body and he had no balance they stood in the doorway struggling I woke up when I heard this. I told both of them we had to lower grandpa to the floor so neither of them would get hurt. Finally as grandpa drug himself across the floor reality set in.
Now on the other front my aunt is returning to work and we need coverage. We pulled it off with team work. I was able to stay with grandpa during this time people were bagging us to stay here we were the only ones renting. We will help fix it up Nothing and I mean Nothing has ever been finished is this house. I wanted grandma to move in with us but that was not ok with anyone. So I went on vacation and never went home. After grandpa's death I had a 23 mile drive to my grandmas house I went and stayed days at a time with my little boy my husband stayed with grandma. Who at the time just need help with meals driving to appointments and reminders with meds.(I think I have been here before) When the year came for my little boy to go to school, I decided it was not fair to him to not have one home. No one wanted grandma to come live so far away since they didn't want to drive that far to help and after all this time people where coming to the point of exhaustion, since most of my family where expecting death 3 years earlier. I distinctly remember the day I had to look in the garbage to see what the stuff in the blue box with the cheese and noodles on it was called so I could label it before putting the left over in the fridge. So even I was tiered. Grandma went into the nursing home and died shortly after, she spent her last night like she spent so many others with her little guy and me sleeping next to her bed. And now life should slow down. Hah
life goes on but not slow down, finally in the house that nothing is finished in I began sorting though things with grandma as we took the same path I walked before. Only because I am living with her I feel alone, or may be that's not the right word maybe it is dependent.
EVERYDAY I wake up my plans are to see what grandma is feeling up to so I can make my plans.
Some days I just wish she would go sit down stairs so I could get some work done, but then when she is down stairs I wish she would be upstairs I don't want her to think I don't want her around. I depend on my in-laws who are the kindest people I know and most likely to die in a car wreak because of overextending themselves. My home is not my home and meals are salt free.
oh boy sorry you asked yet
Just a little icing shortly after my grandma died one of the girls returned to us 15 and pregnant. She and her baby lived with us until she left at 18 thinking she was to grown up to live with rules.
Ps please remember alot has happened and time for me is yesterday which is everything that is not today or tommarow.

It sounds to me like you already have an idea of what needs to be said hun the big problem here is this is your husbands family....hmmm a few of us know the ole eggshell walk
Tread EVER so gently here my dear you dont want this to come back to bite you cause it dam well stings I know Im married to an only child of a woman I have complete control over when it comes to care....talk about a tightrope walk.
I want you to just sit here for a moment and think about your concerns.
Write them down cause I get the feeling something in particular is bothering you....sound off on us we are here and we do understand.
I had concerns myself and I knew I had to be gentle with my husband nevermind his family who talks way too much poop
My moto as well as others:
If ya aint elbow deep in poop with me theres the door dont let it hitcha where the good lord splitcha...ok so thats all me
Oh yeah and if I dont see anything green comin my way from those that are wailin or comin to my door with all I have to do on any given day and they want me to not only cater to them but agree to pray with them to pray away AD......MERCY! look out Ill letum have it with both barrels now ...wow we were talkin you huh?
Sorry I guess I gotta lil pent up hostility in me tonite
Back to topic YOU!

Are you justified asking for compensation?
Yes absolutely.
example
If this was anyone else they would expect it, you gave up your privacy and a life style to take care of her you dont work outside the home because thats not possible at a certain point.
If they had to hire a cg they would be paying them.
How about if you post some more thoughts that are on your mind
Would it be reasonable to take a vacation?
Hey if you can afford it sure and someone steps up to care for her or pays for a service to look after her sure...it all depends on what she is suffering from also can anyone take on her care while you go on vaca? will they be able to follow instructions so as not to mess up your routine?

Hi,
The situation is my husband and I along with our son care for his 86 year old grandmother. We have been doing this since the death of his grandfather 8years ago. When we were begged to move here since everyone else owned a hose and we rented. I have been begging all family members science that time to get the expectations, needs, and concerns out in the open and then put things in writing. This is not because I do not trust them but in my experience much pain can be avoided when people have a clear and permanent record of things verses going on memories when emotional struggles arise. Thus in short I would like to know any issues that could possibly come up. What is the normal for people in this situation? Should expected to pay rent? Should we expect compensation? Should we be able to expect someone to care for her while we go on vacation or should she come with? I would like the insight of a neutral party regarding
what would be reasonable.

Whats this meeting all about hun could you share a bit?