Hi all...I haven't posted here in a long time. I talk to my Dad (age 75) off and on. It's mostly just miserable. This latest thing I can't believe...I sent him some 8x10s of his only granddaughter, (she's 21 and very pretty) and he only says, "I don't like the look on her face." !! He sees evil everywhere. Especially in me. I'm the SCAPEGOAT of the family, now that my mother is gone. I have 2 brothers, and this drunken father left and in their opinion, everything that goes wrong is MY FAULT. Even though I live 500 miles away.

He is a fanatical Christian except that he never talks about Jesus, he only preaches about demons. He always says that I "have a demon" and "need exorcism." He has even started to tell strangers this, I found out! The reason why he thinks I "developed a demon" is because I am a Buddhist and enjoy the wisdom of the Dali Lama. So, to him, I have a "Dali Lama Demon" and it needs to be exorcised! (If anyone here is familiar with the Dali Lama, you know he mostly talks about compassion).

I have finally started going to Al-Anon and they all ask me if I can't just cut off contact. Well, I try, but I seem to be compulsive about wanting to know how everyone's health is. One of my brothers is fighting constant cancer, along with my Dad, and I'm afraid one of them is going to die and I won't hear about it, and then I WILL BE BLAMED AGAIN.

I don't know if I'm asking for advice. Just a little reassurance that I'm not crazy. And maybe an explanation about why my Dad sees evil and maliciousness in the most benign things...like a beautiful photograph of his granddaughter!

metromama, you have given an excellent answer to what she is having too deal with.OTHERS , WHEN FACED WITH THOSE WHO CHOOSE TO FIND AN ESCAPE GOAT LOOK FOR THE ONES THEY FEEL ARE EASY.nO EASY PEOPLE WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE DOING AS YOU KNOW TO BE RIGHT

lddaughter. to me it sems you are a compassionate nuturer. this doesnt't seem to me to be anytihng about you being bpolar but maybe a disagreement about your religiuos differences. how much unhappiness in this world is caused by that and i can see where yours, being different from his could turn you into a target for anger and a scapegoat. hang in there, you are doing your best. no one can ask more. take care of yourself and do what you can.

Yes I take my medications and get therapy and support. Why would you turn this against me and try to stigmatize me? I've only shown caring and compassion for my family but they have chosen me to be the scapegoat. I just don't talk to them anymore.

Here is a forum that might help. Please take care of yourself first, you deserve it!

http://www.ehealthforum.com/health/bipolar_disorder.html

LDD,
I agree with MomsBuddy.

Maybe a psychologist could help you sort through your feelings and help you solve some of your problems. I noticed from your previous posts that you have bipolar disease.
Are you taking your meds on a regular basis?
It is crucial to take care of yourself with the meds and psychological guidance from a professional.

Baby I get what your feeling but guess what?
My mother was the same throughout my life it was my Gran that raised me and if you dont think I saw my mothers deficits when it came to child rearing your kidding yourself the fact is she never once in my life said she loved me till 3 years before she passed on.
Great deal huh? Well not so much she was suppose to be my mother, not my Gran although if truth be told I wouldnt have had it any other way my Gran taught me respect and hard earned wisdom that my mother never would or could.
She also taught me that while adults DO need to be respected there are adults and parents out there that dont deserve that respect simply because of they way they treat people.
While your dad may have been a great in your eyes you just pointed out he had addictions affairs and whatever else he did that only you know.
Ask yourself this Would you raise your daughter the same way your parents did you?
Now I mean no disrespect by that they deserve respect just based on the fact they brought you into this world and are your parents but that does NOT mean you are beholdin to them the rest of your life if they are NOT responsible parents and from what you have said (please reread your own statements on them) they werent.
It was not your responsibility to raise your siblings that was theirs and theirs alone.
As far as Im concerned any parent out there that allows that to occur is not a parent after all they just stole precious time from their very own child.
But I also recognize it makes some of us a better person for that I can honestly say that was a good thing we need more people out in this world who have more compassion for others and sweetie that would be you
Your still trying to fix whats broken.
The problem with this is this man is showing little compassion of a person who claims religion in his life, he's judgmental and crass to you and your family he shows absolutely no respect for you nor has he changed his tune the entire time you have been a member here sweetie.
Set yourself down with a pen and paper and write down a list of Pro's and Con's about your parents and be truthful...therein lies your answers. Is this the kind of human being you are? The type of parent you would want to be?
Be honest

Hun while your at it would you PLEASE do a pro and con list of that BF you got I dont give a rats butt what the heck he is ANYONE who throws their issues on your plate making you feel like a woman or not has no business in a relationship baggage is baggage you leave it in the trash and move on and better yourself you dont muddy up new relationships with BS.
I think its high time you allowed yourself to heal and Im sorry you can not accomplish that when your listening to the rantings of another.
I always say a person can make 100 mistakes just as long as they arent the same in nature...you say hes been around the block 100 times that tells me in a nutshell he hasnt learned a daggum thing. Who needs problems like that?
But thats just my opinion sweetie

By the way I need you to reread this thought honey then I want you to go back over all your old posts please be truthful with yourself for if your not you will NEVER get out of this vortex you have been putting yourself in...

"A person can make 100 mistakes just as long as they arent the same in nature"

Think about that and repeat it out loud to yourself so you can finally hear it

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

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I'm the SCAPEGOAT of the family.

The ONLY way you get to be a scapegoat is by accepting the job title.

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I just asked him to take me back the other day!

You must be joking...

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Still trying. I have a boyfriend now who has been around the block not once, but probably about 100 times with troubles, and now he's a Buddhist and he's teaching me things. He makes me feel like a woman, but you should see the emotional problems I put up with in him.

So lemme get this straight... you call yourself the scapegoat of your family, ask your NG ex to take you back "the other day" and ALREADY have found a Buddhist BF with baggage?

Something is bad wrong with this picture...

Is this all for real?

---

*best defense is no be there*

Bunny, I just love the way you talk. Are you Southern? Yes you are right I keep beating this dead horse because my mom died in 1993 and I miss her. I should have done so much more for her when she was alive, but she was cold and withdrawn. I couldn't even hug her and she would stiffen up. But my Dad, when I was a kid, kind of made up for her lack of affection. It sure sounds like we have a lot in common with our brothers. Both of mine are evangelical Christians along with my Dad. One of them is a famous slalom skateboarder, even though he's getting over the hill for those sports. He doesn't even talk to me or my other brother because we were teenagers when he was born and he says he "never knew us."

My other bro - 2 years younger than me - is terminally ill. I have memories of raising him up because my parents were too busy having affairs and drinking. He told me he "would always love me" but he treats me like cr*p now, too. Just because he is so messed up from his 52 years of hard drug use, hard alcohol use, and hard cigarrette use. He's dying because of what he did to his body with his many addictions. And because he is miserable and dying and is constantly making bad choices in his life, he takes it all out on me.

I'm the SCAPEGOAT of the family. I found an article on that and sent it to all of them and they are in such denial that they can't even see that they blame me for absolutely everything.

But you are right; I beat horses until way past their demise! Even with my 63 yr old husband, who left me last year for a Harley driving/cocaine addict/4 x felon/20 years younger/welfare queen w/3 kids, I just asked him to take me back the other day! (Can you say DOORMAT?)

Still trying. I have a boyfriend now who has been around the block not once, but probably about 100 times with troubles, and now he's a Buddhist and he's teaching me things. He makes me feel like a woman, but you should see the emotional problems I put up with in him. Oh well, it's better to have loved than to not have loved at all.

LDD I also know how you feel I had 2 brothers 1 has since passed now he was your dads equivalent somewhat and the only reason I dealt with him in the end was because I had to. The rest of the time I wouldnt give him the time of day.
2nd brother comes in real close to the 1st place position with his religious mumbo jumbo so my 2 together pretty much add up to your one problemo here.
The day I found out my oldest bro passed I did cry but not for the reason you think.
I cried and mourned the loss of the brother I never had and trust me he could have tried to be a better brother thats the point I want to get at.
Shame on your uncle for even suggesting this, your father may be mentally ill but guess what LDD he has a choice to get better and handle this disease get counseling but he never has and at this point it doesnt sound like he ever will.
The next time your "uncle" suggests this to you ask him if hes willing to have your dad live with him and get him to a doctor
See what he says then
Sweetheart you have been through so much in your life with this man I cant understand why you want to keep beating this horse or maybe I do...hes all you have left as far as a parent goes? If thats the case I get it.
So now you have a choice to make keep opening that door and get nothing but disappointment or shut the door once and for all and begin your life anew.
You have to know on some level your beautiful daughters heart breaks each and every time you open that door right? I know when it came to my mother if someone hurt her in anyway my heart broke for her and that was torture to see, think about that sweetie

Well, my uncle in Wyoming, my dad's older brother, (Uncle is a retired M.D.) insists that we should just keep in mind that Dad is mentally ill and to listen to his abuse. My brother agreed until my Dad did it to him and then my brother changed his phone number for awhile. My Dad no longer calls me, as he knows I'm having very hard times. So as long as I don't call him (and I DO NOT tell him my problems; just ask about his health - or try to!) then there is no problem. But it doesn't mean that alienation makes the stress over it disapper.

AnnaS, well said.We do not have to be subjected to more stress then necessary.Life is difficult enough.We are better not accepting continuos abuse when there is not end to it.
It is sad it has to be a reoccuring thing.Avoid emotinal stress when possible.

That’s great you have treated yourself to things that bring you joy. Those of us with difficult family relations try so very hard to fix what is broken. There just comes a time when we have to stop and tell ourselves that we just can’t do it anymore. I have a difficult relationship with some of my family too. I know it hurts and there is the ever urge to reach out and try to make it better but you have to take care of yourself. If someone in your life has all this incredible negative energy, then the best thing to do right now is stay away. Your Dad may be mentally ill but you shouldn’t have to take his abuse.

Anna, it's great to talk with you! We just finished with a visit from the Tibetan monks in our town and they built the sand mandala and then ritually destroyed it, as a symbol of impermanence. I've never thought that my attachment to my father's abuse is a sign that I think he will be here forever, but I'll think on that. I already DO have compassion for him. I light a candle for him, and my messed up brother every day next to my picture of the Dali Lama. I have sort of a little altar where I burn incense, offer flowers, and light a candle for the family members who abuse me.

My Dad's latest abuse has been to remind me of my marriage failures. He says I have been married FIVE times. Hmmmm...strange that I have only been in 3 long marriages...I don't know where he gets five. Even my alcoholic brother now admits that our father is mentally ill. When someone talks to him on the phone, he drones on without stop, and won't let you get a word in edgewise. I have tried saying, "Please stop talking over me, Dad. Let me say something" but it doesn't work. He just drones on....and he LIES as bad as any addict does. (He's an alcoholic). He exaggerates the amount of money his kids owe him, he exaggerates our shortcomings. It really is terrible abuse, and I do not talk to him anymore. My brother changed his phone number. My Dad actually stopped calling me to abuse me unless I call him to see how he is. So that is a good sign that he "disinherited me" (I couldn't care less).

Thank you for your compassionate Buddhist perspective.
Namaste' (the divine in me recognizes the divine in you)
LDD

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I have a book called A Guide to Rational Living; I have a workbook about "Feeling Good," I'm watching that movie, The Secret, about how to attract good things into your life with your thoughts.

Those are some really GOOD things you are doing for yourself, LDD. Keep up the good work!

OH, and I forgot to say that not a day goes by that I don't *light a candle* for my brother and my fatherand I say a little prayer for them.

Don't I sound "EVIL"???? :-0 RAHHRRRRR!!
I'll bet they don't do that for anyone in their lives!

Hi, well here I am a few months later and things have actually escalated. I tried calling him, sounding very upbeat, saying, "Hi Dad! How are you doing today?" and instantly now, its met with terrible verbal abuse. It all got worse recently when my brother up in the State of Washington, found out he is dying from cancer and a multiple of horrible things as a result of abusing his body all his life with hard drugs and alcohol. My brother, though, is another "fantatical" Christian, like my father, and they have both decided that I am evil through and through. I know that my brother is doing Meth again because the last time he allowed me to speak to him, he accused me of being part of some vast conspiracy. My brother abuses by hinting and hinting that he "knows" someone who is going to hurt me. The more I guess, the more he hints and scares me. Then, my father called me screaming and screaming, "You are not my daughter anymore! I am going to have you "taken care of"! I was forced to call the local sheriff and report the death threat. The Sheriff kind of laughed it off, because my father lives so far away, but my father has also threatened that he is "going to have me taken out of my apartment on a stretcher." (I live alone, and do have bipolar illness which is under pretty good control these days).

So, my tactic to find some peace of mind is to ask myself, what can they really do to me? They can call the police and have me checked on....no problem...I just calmly tell the police that I'm perfectly fine and they are alcoholics. They have threatened to call the County Social Services, who would be the biggest threat to me, and what could they do? Nothing, except maybe make "visits" to me, to see if I can take care of myself (which I can, very well).

So, I have had to use lots and lots of logic and rational thinking to combat their threats. By law, they can't even lie to get me put in a mental hospital, because the only thing that would happen (again) is that the police do a Welfare check.

I have a book called A Guide to Rational Living; I have a workbook about "Feeling Good," I'm watching that movie, The Secret, about how to attract good things into your life with your thoughts.

My Dad and brother asked me to never call them again, so I have no choice but to do that. I suppose I will hear from someone when one of them dies, but I will have to grieve alone.

LDD...
I had YEARS of trying to recover from verbally and emotionally abusive parents. Even moving far away didn't help because you don't have to be in the same room with someone for them to abuse you - as you have experienced. My Dad was and is an alcoholic, Mom now has severe LBD. Your first post sounds like something I'd have written ten or fifteen years ago! I felt so wounded by what they said, didn't say... looked for why or what I did wrong or could do different or should have said or should not have said... My friends would always tell me, "You should have said..." but that never worked for me because it is always an emotional ambush that you can't prepare for. You get locked into the stimulus-response habit of each relationship...like being on a see-saw that you can't get off of.

What saved my sanity, my marriage and my life was a weekend long seminar called the Landmark Education Forum. It is non religious, it is the only way I have ever found to lay down that bag of rocks I was toting around. Their web site is at www.landmarkeducation.com if you want to read more about it. Its like 5 years of therapy in a weekend. They teach you that YOU can be extraordinary. And they teach you HOW exactly to do it. Just to give you a very VERY brief sample;

"The 7 Apects of an Extaordinary Human Being"

1. INTEGRITY; Honor your word, that is, do what you said you would do. If you don't, clean it up, make new promises and keep them.

2. BE RACKET FREE; Give up blame and being right.

3. BE POWERFUL; Be straight in your communications and take what you get.

4. BE COURAGEUS; Acknowledge your fear, and then act.

5. BE PEACEFUL; Give up the interpretation 'there is something wrong here'.

6. BE CHARISMATIC; Give up 'in order to' and trying to 'get somewhere'.

7. BE ENROLLING; Share your new possibilities in such a way that others are touched, moved and inspired by that possibility.

Moms Buddy, what an excellent response.The things we learn on the journey of life

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He once told me that it hurt him more when his dog died than when my lovely mother (and his wife of 43 years!) died! And recently I tried to tell him that my own 12 year old dog is dying and on the decline. He refuses to hear or acknowledge when I tell him that, or any "bad news."

I can understand that easily. The dog gave your dad unconditional love, never judged him, was always glad to see him and was content to take from him what was offered and express heartfelt gratitude. Human relationships are much more complex and difficult, although all would be enhanced by following the example of our humble companion, the dog. God forbid he should have mentioned how much he missed your mom... I rejoice for her to have been freed from him. How emancipated she must have felt to know she no longer HAD to suffer from his illness!

Of COURSE he doesn't wanna hear about your dog! He is egocentric and that just doesn't apply to him. Only HIS happiness, pain, experience matter. The world revolves around HIM, in fact only exists to serve his needs. Too bad for him. He may know many things in life, but he will never know joy - how sad for him!

You can change the way you interact with him. Each human encounter with another, especially relatives, is like a well-known dance. One takes a step this way, the other takes a step that way, which leads to the first twirling around, etc. All you have to do to change the interaction is to change the steps YOU do - in other words, you can change what YOU bring to it. When your dad says something shitty, you can react the same way you always have, with hurt, anger, etc. OR you could do something else. You COULD agree with him. "Yep, Dad, you're right. I am the WORST possible daughter you could have spawned! I can easily see why you wouldn't have wanted to have more children after me!" OR , "Yep dad, she may be pretty, but what can you expect from a granddaughter born to ME, your daughter who never could do anything right for you." Or you could simply ignore his nasty remarks about your religion, "You are so right, Dad. Want some pie?" Or say nothing at all and just look at him like he's a new life form until he begins to wither under your curious stare. There's a whole compendium of DIFFERENT responses one can have other than the ones one historically chooses.

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you sound like a very much recovered Al-Anon or 12 step person; you didn't say, and you don't have to, but I appreciate the level of recovery from which you speak.

LDD, alcohol was a problem for many of my forebears, and has been a problem for me personally, and for many of those close to me. Alcohol and drugs are a problem for society, but they can only be personal problems if they are allowed to "drive MY bus." I have attended some 12 Step meetings and it is a comforting association for folks in recovery, but I don't follow their program - too cult-like for me. The "solutions" to a messed up personal life are pretty universal, IMHO. It's taking responsibility, assigning responsibility and embracing the fact that my present (and future) depend upon ME. I draw upon wisdom from wherever I find it - "My Future Depends Upon ME" is from a patch my gramma bought me to sew on my bluejeans circa 1969. The jeans are long gone, but the message remains. One I draw on a LOT is from the movie, "Karate Kid" where Mr. Miyagi tells Daniel-san that "the best defense is no be there." I try to spot and stay OUT of situations that cause me problems, so I don't have to wonder how I am gonna get myself outta THIS one... When I DO venture into dangerous territory, I do so with the knowledge that this is my CHOICE and I cannot control the behavior and interactions of others - I can ONLY control myself. If a situation becomes overwhelming for me, I throw myself a life preserver and get me the heck outta there. I do NOT pick up the baggage others encourage me to grasp. I do not feel ANY obligation to take on the sins of others or false sins others wish to foist upon me. EVERYONE, including my family, are welcomed to take me as I am. If they wish to mold me into something I am not, I suggest they take up sculpting with clay or a more sculptable material than myself. For me, there can be only ONE sculptor, and only I was given the tools, not anyone else!

As a Buddhist, I would encourage you to leave your baggage and ill feelings as quickly as you are able to set them by the curb with the garbage. Carry those burdens with you during this life may bring them into the next. Sometimes our best lessons come from those who are behaving the worst. I don't know much, but I have learned to instinctively allow myself to be attracted to positivity and light rather than negativity and darkness and to go the other direction when darkness beckons me. Remember the adage, Misery loves company? Somehow, I generally find that I have too much on my dance card to rearrange things to twirl around with Misery... I don't have to stop and understand everyone I encounter - if my guts tell me to reverse engines, I do not hesitate.

You can focus on his mean words about you or your daughter or encourage them to run away from you like cockroaches, back into the dark cracks where they breed. What a day it will be when he says something nasty to you and you FORGET to share it with anyone else, in fact, forget that he even said it! Providing a non-stick surface to negativity helps it slide away from you!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,