I am an only child. My mother had a stroke 6 years ago. At that time, she lost her ability to speak, and became very weak on her right side, arm, hand, leg, foot.

She is 80 years old now, and so is her husband of 16 years, my stepfather. He is her primary caregiver. They live an hour's drive from me, and I make time to visit every other week for a few hours.

J was a wonderful, funny, loving person when he and my mother married. He has always been a very fussy, picky person, but that was fine. He loves my mother very much, and she loves him. It was wonderful to see the two of them in love back then. They were so cute.

Over the last 6 years, however, I think he has been depressed. Like many men, he would never admit to something like that. He insisted on controlling every aspect of my mother's care, has acted as if he were insulted (by complaining to others) if anyone offers a suggestion. My mother's 3 sisters tried to talk him into a motorized chair for her, but he just would not hear of it, we think because he would have less control. He talks about the safety issue. Let me say again that it is obvious that he loves her very much indeed. He never leaves her except when D, a caretaker they hired, is there, (except when he has done so for short periods to run an errand and that is extremely rare). He has taken her to the beachouse they both love every weekend for all of the 6 years since her stroke. He installed an elevator so they could do that.

Mom understands what you say. She nods or shakes her head, and laughs when someone makes a joke. But I often think that because it is so traumatic for everyone when she tries to make a need known, that she has stopped trying, for the most part.

This last weekend, J had a car accident (it may have been his fault - he is losing his eyesight)and broke all the ribs on one side. He is now in intensive care and has been intubated because of problems breathing. The doctors are optimistic, but he will probably be there for several weeks at least, and it will be many months before he can care for my mother again, if he is ever able to.

I have spent the last 6 years wishing I could do more for my mother, but respecting Joe and his wishes, and taking care of my own family. I have 3 children of my own, but only one still at home - 2 in college. At this time, I felt I should help more. I took a week off from work to stay with my mother, and thought I would start learning how to take care of her.

Over the 6 years, their hired caretaker, D, has taken on more and more responsibility. She was lately coming in every day except Saturday, their day at the beach. He asked her to assume full responsibility for my mother, in a case like this. He added her to his checking account, removing his daughter. She has proven herself to be a reliable, responsible, caring, loving, honest person, and I really don't have a problem with all of this, because I believe she really does love my mother and J, and have their best interests at heart.

I am concerned because she will now have to stay with my mother 24 hours a day. She says she has friends who know CNA care, who can help, and that she will vet them thoroughly. I trust her to be careful, and to do the right thing. But I am simply concerned about what might happen should SHE keel over for some reason.

She and I have had a rather major conflict the last 2 days because she told me "I spoke to your mother, and she agreed" that I should not lift her in and out of the wheelchair.

I am not going to let her keep me from learning to take care of my mother, and she sees me as interfering with what she knows best. Every little thing I do is wrong somehow, and I think the reason J likes her so much is that she is very much like him, controlling, and upset if any detail about anything is altered in any way.

I am sick, sad and tired. I decided to back off of insisting that I be trained to lift mom right now, because I want to talk to others in my family about this, and because I did come on very strong. This is a long term commitment. I am proposing to her that I should come once a week and spend 24 hours taking care of my mother. I know I need her supervision at first, because I have never done this. And it would probably be better to try to sell J on the idea first. He will probably be better enough to talk to about it in a week or two.

Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions, experiences? Right now I have time to learn, but I think D is feeling a lot of pressure and stress now too, though she denies it. And by the way she has NEVER ONCE missed a day of work, and has often done her job free on special occasions J and my mom have had.

Love to all of you out there,

Moms Buddy has given you excellent advise

Hi Momsbuddy,

I think Joe decided to make this arrangement with Deb because, 1) He came to trust her deeply over the last 6 years, and 2) He felt that the children, Karen, David and I (Cat) had their own lives and would not be able to move into his house.

He wants what is best for my mother, and ultimately, he has done a good job of being prepared for what has happened.

As to what is between Joe, my mother, and I... I believe that he probably feels that the children have not done enough (I am an only child). I am not unhappy with what I've done. And I think he has been depressed.

Over these years since mom's stroke I have stopped making any kind of suggestions to him, as it generally comes back to me through my mom's sisters that he felt I was implying that he wasn't doing a good job. But now his daughter has told me she's going to suggest the doctor talk to him about an anti-depressant on his release from the hospital. I hope it happens, and I hope that it helps.

About financial oversight, my husband and I have discussed that, and are planning to talk to a lawyer about Deb's and our rights and responsibilities. I really do believe that Deb will do the right thing, because she has been so steadfast and has done so many extra things at her own expense over the years. And also because Joe trusts her. He is not a readily trusting individual. She has earned that.

THANKS again for your time and your attention. I am still exploring this change in my mind and heart and your input has been really valuable.

Love,

Cat, welcome! Glad you found your way here.
Help me out here because I am confused... Is there some problem between you and your mom & stepdad? While I understand their desire to retain their independence, I am a little uneasy about the caregiver arrangement. First, having her as a co-signer on the checking account... This is pretty unusual especially when there is a family member nearby. I hope you will take a peek at the statements just to assure that there is no monkeybusiness. I also do not understand her reaction to you unless she is afraid that you are planning to take over her job entirely. If her attitude continues, I think you should sit her down and tell her point blank that you have no intention of running her off, but you want to learn about taking care of your mom and to be able to spend time with her.

Dedicated professional caregivers are hard to find. This one almost sounds too good to be true. I don't mean to sound so suspicious, but there are a LOT of folks who prey on elders in just this manner. I hope you will nose around a little without her knowing. Scam artists can be mighty convincing... as several members can attest! I sure would hate to see your folks burned and everything left to the caregiver, yaknowhutImean?
No matter what - you have a right to watch over your mom, so keep on making yourself useful... Many blessings to you for watching over your folks!

Dear Dochka and Bobcat,

Thanks again for your wisdom. I am back with my family and feel much, much better about everything now. I feel that I have enough information to be more helpful if something happens to Deb, or if Joe becomes incapacitated.

Of course Deb was trying to follow her instructions from Joe, and to protect my mother. I intend to keep visiting (not trying to learn more or asking questions) twice a week and asking Deb what I can do to help, although the last day I was there before I went home, it did not matter WHAT I suggested doing (polishing the table??), her reply was always "I'll do it."

Joe is still in ICU, but they are beginning to wean him from the ventilator. REALLY good news.

Again, love to all of you.

Welcome cat,
Glad you found us!
You are especially lucky to have the advice of Bobcat, since she has been dealing with cgs who help her with her mom. She is especially right about cgs being very overprotective. My husband teases me about believing that noone can take of her like I do! To my own detriment, this attitude keeps me from getting the help and respite that is crucial to any Caregiver.
Keep trying in small steps, don't ask just do when it comes to helping with obvious small chores and trust will come. You have been very lucky to have had a reliable person such as her for six years IMHO. Be careful, this issue is mainly about your mom's best care! Don't forget
that!

Let us know how it goes!

Bobcat,

Thank you so much for your perspective. What you suggested was what I have been thinking myself. That is, start small, earn trust. Trust takes a REALLY long time, and D, the caregiver and I basically don't know each other at all, as I always visited in the evening, when she was not there.

I am sad to report that last night she was very angry. I can only imagine that she is unhappy beacuse I wanted to talk with her and J's daughter, who has been at the hospital with him pretty much nonstop for this week. She seems to trust Karen (geez, I guess I can use first names <<>>, perhaps because Karen has no interest in being involved in the care of my mother.

After thinking about requesting a meeting between the 3 of us, it occurred to me that it would be putting Karen on the spot, and a bit unfair to her. I have talked to her about the situation and she agrees that I should be as involved in mom's care as I want to be.

I told Deb (the caregiver) that I would not attempt to do anything she does, but I REALLY want to learn to do it. I also want to know all the details of the house and schedule so that I might be able to duplicate it at some point.

This did NOT mollify her. Perhaps it is annoying to have someone following your every move and asking questions all the time, but how else can I learn?

I know it isn't good for my mom for Deb to be angry. But today I will do some dusting and cleaning, and that's a start. I have to go home day after tomorrow, but I will be coming back in a week. Maybe I'll call and offer to cone down between and get groceries.

Well, Deb just came in and she isn't speaking to me at all. Guess I'll ask Karen to help me. But I'm not leaving.

Love to you all.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Cat

cat77074, Welcome. Your step dad is an amazing man, but so are you to want to help now. What an odd situation? Some one wants to help, and is stonewalled?? OK, with your children and the distance, they made it easy for you to believe they had no role for you to play, (it may have been true). Certainly you have had no reason to think he was overwhelmed, no reason to suspect neglect, and he had good help. Your Mother is a lucky woman that you have been on regular visits, and that now you want to step up and help.

Now, let me say that I understand D's very protective and overbearing role. CGs like your step dad and D have put in a lot of time learning what they think is best for her. It is far easier than you might think to get hurt and to hurt your patient than most people know. You might never hurt her or get hurt, goodness knows you do not want that. You are offering to help (and freely, if I understand). I applaud you, and there will need to be more help. J is aging, sometimes (as you said) broken ribs make life difficult for months if not forever, and his eyesight is failing.

Start smaller, earn trust, did J do the shopping?, ask if that can be your job. Did he bring her flowers?, visit him and ask him if he would like to make an order and let you take care of it. I know she is your Mother and these people are getting in your way. You admit you came on strong, most people would under the circumstances. I have to admit though, that being a CG for my Mother has changed everything about everything. I never would have thought I would be the type to insist On the most nit picky things to be done exactly as I say. Mom has had (and has ) some good CGs with experience and training. They have taught me alot.

But if a well meaning cousin walked in and offered to give me a break, I could only let them visit while I did the dishes, or other around the house duties, after telling Mom to have her call me if she needed anything. I would welcome that any friend or relative who was pleasent kept her company, changed her tv channel, hugged her, but it would slam freak me out if they tried to help her out of her chair.

cat, I hope you keep at it, but go slow, and at first, let them tell you what you can do to help. When they know you really mean it, they will let you take a larger role. Every point you made is legitament. Something could happen to D, this could take months, eventually 2 elders may need care in the home. They need family backup.

quote:

I have spent the last 6 years wishing I could do more for my mother, but respecting Joe and his wishes, and taking care of my own family. I have 3 children of my own, but only one still at home - 2 in college. At this time, I felt I should help more. I took a week off from work to stay with my mother, and thought I would start learning how to take care of her.

You have the right attitude. Show back up and say you are here for your next lesson, and if necessary, start as the maid. They will trust you, and you will trust yourself, that way. Be aware that we longterm CGs (family or not )are a very protective bunch (yeah, I think you already know that) The Patient (Client) is our priority, but family has to matter. If something causes J to be permanently disabled, and Gracious we have all had a dose of what can happen, You may have to be in charge of the decisions for her care giving. Just show them you love her and that you will start at the bottom and you have total respect for what they have done for her. You show that here to me, just grit your teeth and show it to them.

Again, welcome in to ECO, I think you will get some better advice than mine here. By the Way , many CGs like D are worth their weight in gold, but there are some who will take advantage, and you should always keep an eye open, especially if she brings in her associates. .