And the saga continues....As I walk these halls of ECO I find that many friends here suffer with this issue...What a sad state of affairs when family can not come together on this one issue of careing for Mom and/or Dad. I wish these siblings would come across this site and take a read at how they affect the lives of their Caregiving siblings...Maybe just one I pray.
As a person I know it takes 2 to tango...CG's often get frustrated and sometimes make off color remarks when their at their wits end.... Im not saying this is right but its based on frustration nothing else. Some of us look at what a seemingly wonderful life these siblings who dont help have and judge without seeing what goes on behind closed doors...Its not always as rosey as they paint it trust me. These brothers and sisters who dont help their LO's out in a time of need are looked upon by others as selfish and self centered...I dont know about you but I sure as heck wouldnt want my husband, kids, extended family and friends looking at me like that and they never will.
You could say something to them sure, but do you really think it is going to change things? Maybe, maybe not, but its worth the effort...Some are not grown up enough to say "hey I cant handle this kind of job" somehow that would be admitting they are failures...Some are too young and cant handle being tied down.
Friends one day will come when they finally read this line and "Get It"...finally....
"As you sow, so shall you reap"....
For now to all the beautiful souls of this forum...remember, our loved ones entrusted us with their care and happiness in spite of all that you might feel...deep down inside they knew you would love and care for them unconditionally and without reservation...everything else doesnt really matter in the grand scheme of things! You have truly earned your wings

Bobcat,

You are fortunate that you & bro are able to work things out for the sake of you Mom. I think your situation is unique because so many siblings are unable to put decades worth of hard feelings aside & greed to do what's right for the LO's care.

I didn't have support from my bro until Mom really starting declining & had to be placed in a NH. I think lots of the reasoning behind stemmed from the close bond Mom & I had & some denial/guilt on Bro's part for past choices.

I was surprised w/the amount of time Bro spent w/Mom her last couple months w/us & I think my bro & family were surprised w/the sacrifices my family & I made to keep Mom in her home for as long as we did.

Now things are "back to normal" w/bro's family living their own life but I am thankful we had a short time to be a "family" b4 Mom died.

Hey there, this is Bobcat, supposedly experienced member,(not hardly), looking back to older posts. This one hits a chord. Strumm. I have one surviving sibling, and though we have differences at times, I have to say he does what he does best. He handles the finances and makes sure I have the resources to do what I have to do. And in a crunch, he would show up as fast as he can, and has done so. He was a TIGAR for my Dad, when I was clueless and useless. Now, it's Mom, who needs help. Dad seemed to think she was the weaker of them, but he was a genius in making sure she was provided for, just in case. Here she is, much later, and still able to stay in her own home.
Siblings aren't always your worst night mare. We have fought about some things, mostly home repair,(her home). And he has had concerns(legitament) about my ability to carry out my part of this. Still , my 92 year old Mom is in her home. I have caused him concern and frustration, and he has done the same to me. When you all care, as is in our case, you have blow ups sometimes, because it's a major deal. You back off from each other because you are not the one that is the point. The loved one in common is the point. We have a division of labor. It's necessary. I really don't want to do what he does, I really hate paper work, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to wipe her butt. I also know, that if I quit, his answer would be a NH or contracted care. He can't do what I do on a daily basis. He knows that ,too. And he would like for her to live well and to her own wishes as long as possible. So we have to overcome our differences. We don't have a lot of common ground on anything else. This experience has forced us to cooperate for a common goal. I think we have surprised each other, in some ways. We are so very different types of people.
Surely someone else has had the experience that elder care has provided a common ground for siblings who would otherwise have no reason to bother with each other? I think this was what my Dad had in mind when he made me promise, the day he died, that I would make sure Mom never left her home against her will. At least that's what I thought he said, It was hard to make sense of it that day, but I'm sure he said "don't put her out".

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Hey there HV welcome in When you get a chance tell us more about yourself and your parents

HV, Welcome. I really cannot say what is worse. I have a brother that is worthless and has caused major problems in the past. With him it all boils down to money, even though he doesn't lift a finger to help but takes care of the finances. Long story. It took me years to realize that he was making me sick with ulcers and panic attacks. I wanted the brother/sister relationship but it was not to be and even with the effort I made I was not going to change him. I had to let it go and now have a profesional/business relationship with him. It has made my life a lot easier not expecting him to do things or treat our mom with respect. If he doesn't want to show up Christmas, fine that's his decision. I let him know by e-mail and hard copy the dates I will not be here to care for my mom. This Sat. coming up we are finally celebrating X-Mass down the shore with friends and I will be gone all day Sat. Then there are 4 days in April that I have a wedding down there and will get a room from Thurs. to Sun. Wedding is Sat. morning and by then I will have had time for myself to really enjoy the wedding without the stress. I am a single parent, husband died in 1998 and have an almost 21 year old son who is an only child. Times I feel bad that he won't have anyone else to bounce things off of but my friends will help if anything happens to me. Friends are more like family to me. I have made a lot of friends here that understand what we go through. Come visit Eco Bar and Grill and join us for some fun too.

quote:

Originally posted by mae:
Bunnys Grl, how did I miss this .You said it so beautifully,Your words speak volumes about you as a person.My glass rises to you

Awww golly Mae ya got me all choked up

Bunnys Grl, how did I miss this .You said it so beautifully,Your words speak volumes about you as a person.My glass rises to you

In response to the following:

quote:

I don't know what's worse -- having siblings who won't or can't help, or being an only and having nobody who can help.

I honestly think it's worse to have siblings who won't help, because that's so hurtful and frustrating, to both the patient and caretaker. TWO people get hurt by the people who don't/won't act.

An only child knows from the beginning that there's no one to help, so he/she won't experience any disappointment about the lack of help. There can't be any unmet expectations in that situation. They won't be critized by any siblings, so they can be confident that they're doing the best they can. And there is no worry about Mom/Dad's feelings being hurt by the lack of visits by other children, since there are no other children.

Everyone here knows I was a caregiver that received no credit. I am a Christian and I know it is said in the Bible not to attract attention for any good deeds you may do. Your God will see your good deeds and reward you.

Man can only bestow glowing words BUT when God compliments you, that is much better than all the Gold in the world!

My love for my late mother and father is deep. I think of them every day. And I hope they knew I cared for them NOT because of any inheritance they may have given me. I hope they saw I truly loved them and never wanted to see them in a nursing home. That was the key for me to never put my parents into a nursing home.

Bev, please accept my condolences on the loss of your brother. I know you will miss his quiet support...

DANG! It's good to hear from ya! Just sorry that you have had bad news to share along with the fantastic strides you have taken personally to get your life back on track...

quote:

I never realized this, until his widow told me at the funeral, "We would have come any time to help, but you never ask, so we thought you had it all under control, and/or didnt want any help".

Bev, you have hit on an important point. Sometimes WE forget to just ASK.
Surely, sometimes we get tired of asking, but it never hurts to try... Sometimes, when we rale and fuss with people they don't hear the sincere NEED behind our words.

quote:

My sis was in the worst shape I've ever seen her at the funeral, but I cant go back there and live as a caregiver

I hope, Bev, that you will remember how much you needed a friendly, concerned buddy, and will call her often so that she can have someone who KNOWS to talk to. Perhaps, with your help over the phone, or just a kind ear, y'all can give your mom the care she needs without burning your sis out too. Bless you for your kind heart and good sense. Hang in there!!

Bev its so good to see you again and please accept my heartfelt condolences in the loss of your brother.
Thank you for writting all that you did here what an extraodinary soul you are for passing on wisdom in your time of grief....Bless you sweetie! Much love and hugs

[QUOTE]Originally posted by embersmom:

To be fair, this particular coworker went through a very messy divorce 3-4 years ago. The ex has since remarried and now has a child. The ex and the coworker have 2 sons about 12 years apart. The older son will have nothing to do with her. The younger son is a mama's boy and spent a good chunk of the summer in the hospital with ulcers. He's 14.
QUOTE]

Hmmmm Em could it be a little "as you sow..so shall you reap" kinda thing goin on with her! No hijackin here came right back to the original! There all fixed! all better!

I've been reading all the post on the above topic so today I felt led to share this. My only brother, out of 5brt's, was the one who never said anything when I was caring for Mom, until I had to move due to my own burnout, and now my only sis is, after only 5months, is ready to leave, but back to my brother never did interfere, only said these words, "AS LONG AS MOM IS BEING CARED FOR, AND UNTIL THEN I WILL LEAVE MYSELF OUT, EXCEPT FOR HIS SUPPORT. He did come, visit, and would just show up to brighten Mom's day., but sadly he passed away on Tues, 12, of a massive hearattack. My Mom is/was too drained to go to the funeral, she has already buried one child, but I guess my point to this thread is that sometimes a sibling., male/female really and truely don't know what to do. They have seen someone step up and thus they think maybe they just arent needed.
Dont give up on them, keep sharing everything w/them, and also if possible schedule them in for "their time" w/the elderly parent. I never realized this, until his widow told me at the funeral, "We would have come any time to help, but you never ask, so we thought you had it all under control, and/or didnt want any help".
I was the biggest griper on here about no help, no calls, no cards, etc. Sometimes they might just think they arent needed and the one who is the caregiver has it all under control. I hope no one takes this as a defence against non helping sibs, but some are just NOT going to help, but let the ones who will know you need the help. Its much better than a burnout and a big fight which I had to endure.
My Mom is still slowly day/by/day going down, but my SIS hasnt a clue what to do, so I called
Mom's Dr. and asked for a nurse 3 times/wk to go, draw blood, and do her bathes. My sis was in the worst shape I've ever seen her at the funeral, but I cant go back there and live as a caregiver, my burnout was almost to the point of my health, physically/mentally. So I do what I can do by phone, and go when I can go, since I still have no wheels, but by the Grace of God, he kept me from being a permanent resident at a Psych ward. Hope all my rambling makes some kind of sense and I'll still be lurking around keeping up w/you guys. Take care

quote:

Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:

quote:

BECAUSE I REFUSE TO BURDEN MY LIFE WITH CARING FOR HER!

Nice gal. I hope she never procreates. Hope her mom isn't sorry that she did......

Go over to the Anger Wall -- I just posted something there about her.

To be fair, this particular coworker went through a very messy divorce 3-4 years ago. The ex has since remarried and now has a child. The ex and the coworker have 2 sons about 12 years apart. The older son will have nothing to do with her. The younger son is a mama's boy and spent a good chunk of the summer in the hospital with ulcers. He's 14.

Anyway, I don't want to hijack this thread, so I'll stop here before I start in on yet another rant

quote:

BECAUSE I REFUSE TO BURDEN MY LIFE WITH CARING FOR HER!

Nice gal. I hope she never procreates. Hope her mom isn't sorry that she did......

Right now at work I'm witnessing two coworkers who are struggling with sibling issues. In both cases the mothers are currently living with siblings who are either burnt out or who aren't the best choice. The coworker with the burnt out sibling stays over 5 nights a week to give the sibling a break (they live 25 miles apart). The other coworker adamantly refuses to have anything to do with her mother's care, even though she, out of all her siblings, is probably the best choice as primary. Why? "BECAUSE I REFUSE TO BURDEN MY LIFE WITH CARING FOR HER! LOOK WHAT IT'S DONE TO [my real name]!"

(This particular coworker, btw, is the one who's sneered at me time and again every time I've mentioned taking care of Mom. As I like to say, some people get their just deserts. Or, you've made your bed -- now lie in it. Feel free to add your own analogy).

None of these coworkers' brothers will have anything to do with the caretaking -- a couple because of distance; the rest, only if they're pressed or, in the case of the first coworker I mentioned, needs money. One SIL refuses to let the brother split duties because "it'll cut into our family time."

Yep, I'm just as disgusted.

I don't know what's worse -- having siblings who won't or can't help, or being an only and having nobody who can help.

I knew this would touch many souls and hopefully someone will step back after reading this thread and ponder everyones responses to see if they might make things a little better or even understand the things that often go unsaid...
These little replies are for others to ponder on....It will help when someone comes across this thread to help them better understand.... Thank you all for your posts please continue to add

Andra...could it be they do want to hear how Mom is but want to remember her the way she was??? Their afraid of death...

Gypsy God bless you! Your mom was a brave and compassionate soul to have made plans for her final years with her childrens happiness in mind.
Mikes sister and daughter though...could it be they respect you and would never try to "step" on your toes? You are his wife, she is only a sister some people look on this as mucking up someone elses "territory" and butting in where they dont belong.....

Dochka...their homes and lives are rooted in a community with family and friends...to uproot and move because of a temporary situation is asking alot of a person in these times. Give them all the info they want when they call even put mom on the phone if thats what they want.
Keep the "Positive" thoughts....everything else...let go.

Mar yes sometimes we do just have to "pull away" and as you have seen with your own 2 eyes he has now taught his children how to treat people...A very intense lesson some people dont want to acknowledge "we teach people how to treat us and others by our actions"
If you give respect, you earn respect...simple as that.

BG, How true your words are. I spent serveral years trying to change my brother. He did such things to me and my mom that I was sick. I now only have a professional relationship with a need to know basis about my mom that we communicate on. I REFUSE to let him get me sick and know that I am doing what I continue to do for me and my mom. His life is his own and the only person he'll have to answer to is himself down the road. His daughters got a first hand view on how to take care of an ederly parent by his actions. Fortunately for me do did my son. We sometimes just have to pull away to save ourselves.

My brothers are CLUELESS!
But I can't waste my energy on them! They call from Chicago and Florida to ask about her, I just say she's fine.
THEY WOULDN'T "GET IT" ANYWAY!
My philosophy is I can't waste my precious time.

I'd rather spend my time on something positive!
This Caregiving job is hard enough!

Oh, BG you have brought up another topic that is so sad for so many. I just wanted to say once again how very thankful I am for my family. When Dad was dying we were all there, we were all supportive of Mom-SHE chose the facility SHE wanted to be in(told us she never wanted to stay with any of us-we all knew that would never work) I have told about cleaning out her condo and our last trip to Victoria and the family reunion-we are still included as part of the family even though many of our so called friends we never see. My brother has been super supportive, my sis and I are closer than ever in our lives I think. You guys sometimes make me think and thank God for my family. Now Mike's sister is a different story as is his daughter. I feel so bad for those of you who don't even get moral support let alone physical support.I'm saying a little prayer that those unsupportive family members will somehow see the light in the near future. Gypsy