Dear Gabe,

You talk about your sister being very involved in her church, and yet not helping you a bit. I experience the same thing. Both of my sisters not only go to church, but they take their faiths seriously. One of my sisters has finally "come around" to helping. The other one, who does live 1000 miles away, still holds mom, emotionally, at a distance, and won't go the "extra mile" in any sense of the word.

I know this forum isn't a Bible Study, but I want to share with you a Bible verse that comes to my mind often, and I think can be a great encouragement to caregivers.

Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.
James 1:26-28

Pure religion is taking care of the widows and widowers.

Sometimes I struggle with thinking I should "get a life," but then I realize I am doing a most honorable, and yes God-pleasing thing.

I also know, as you are discovering, that bitterness is the hard part, and THIS is my own spiritual struggle. So when I am tempted to judge her, I think of my bitterness, my words said in haste. Sometimes I feel like I am the older son, in the story of the Prodigal Son. I am the faithful one, who stays home, and does his duty, but resents the "freedom" of the wandering sibling.

I guess what it all boils down to for me is to know that I am responsible to God for my life, not hers. I am responsible for my choices, and not theirs.

But don't give up hope on your church going sibling. Unless it would be to "obvious" what you are doing, and you usually don't quote Bible verses, you could even say something like,

"Someone I know shared this piece of wisdom with me, and it has been an encouragement to me."

I wonder if it would sink in?

It actually took my NIECE to even "turn" my one sister around, in helping. She lives 350 miles away, but she came home when mom went into surgery, and came home after rehab, 2 months later, to help with the transition home. All this from a sister who previously wouldn't come home.

My other sister has always had "issues" with mom. At the end of life, you'd like to think they could come to a peaceful resolution to their "issues."

In the mean time, although I have made so many huge mistakes with my sisters, the old adage, "You can get more bees with honey than with vinegar."

Good luck - and take JOY in doing what you know is right, and get help ANY way you can.

Nancy

As I watch my mom's health failing, day by day now, I know that the choices I have made to be here to care for her,have been the right choices. "To care for widows and orphans..". I know I am where God has intended me to be. I know, when Mom dies, I will, through the pain, have no guilt. What others do, what my siblings do, or don't do, they will have to live with. It isn't my problem, nor can it be my concern anymore. Mom and I both know her time on this earth is coming to an end. Where else could I be, or what else could I be doing, that would be more important than this? As lousy as Mom is feeling, I made her laugh this morning. Can there be a better gift from God for us right now? THIS is what love does. How sorry I now feel for those in my family who have chosen not to be here for this journey. They will never know, nor understand, what they have missed.

I am a gay woman who has never been much of a church-goer, primarily because I have seen too many religions inflict great mental and emotional pain on my gay friends with their lack of tolerance.

However, I do have a very strong spiritual faith, and that faith has helped me through caring for and finding peace with the deaths of some of those I cared for over the last 13 or so years- including both of my parents (now deceased), both of my sisters (one deceased, one who is residing in a group home at this time), my aunt(now deceased) and my life partner (living and fighting hard but with multiple health issues).

I did not need a church to tell me that it was the right thing to do to show love, honor and respect to my loved ones to the best of my ability. I do not believe that being a member of a church can ever teach the most primary ingredient for a caregiver - having a loving and selfless heart. That is either part of a person, or it is not.

Sometimes, though, that caregiver's heart is repressed out of denial or fear , and can be awakened. It can happen, but because it also simply does not happen so many times, it is in the best interests of our hurting hearts to let our family members who do not reach out to help us help our loved ones go on their own paths, and realize that they must find their own way, and live with the consequences of their inactions. To try to force them to do otherwise only brings us more pain.

Peace,Gabe. My prayers are with you-
Melissa

The day will come when Mom or Dad passes. That person will be the one crying and mourning as guilt feelings will open up her blinded eyes.

I also believe in God and His Word. Let the dead bury the dead. I will not mourn the passing of my father when the Lord finally calls him home. I know I did my best in the eyes of our Lord and have nothing to hide.

I just hope I am doing all that God wants me to do as a caregiver. I need help fighting the jealousy in me that wishes I can have a life.