I’m not sure what to do about two sensitive situations – can anyone please offer advice? Here’s some background: The problems surround my father (age 68), who used to be a normal guy until my mother had a severe stroke 9 months ago – my mother is now mentally and physically impaired and incontinent, and my dad is her primary caregiver. For the past 3 months, my dad has had my mother living at home with him and employs an in-home caregiver to help care for my mother 12 hours each day.

Here are the two sensitive situations for which we need help:
1. My dad is showing signs of mental strain/deterioration, but he cannot see it nor accept it. He’s making poor decisions, having difficulty making plans, experiencing memory loss, he’s constantly distracted, emotionally fatigued, chronically late, and unable to complete simple tasks quickly. I don’t know if it’s due to age, stress/strain, or a combo of both. He doesn’t have any mental stimulation, or any social interactions since he has isolated himself – he feels that even with the hired in-home caregiver, he still needs to take care of my mother every minute of the day.
2. My mother’s in-home caregiver is overstepping professional boundaries and my dad is encouraging her to do so. He sees the caregiver as “a good friend, a family member” and so she has asked for (and received) gifts from his home, and help solving her personal problems (such as: my dad falsified and forged a document to help her get a new apartment - yikes. When I went on a business trip, he asked me to bring a gift home for the caregiver - yikes again).

Our whole family is worried for my dad, and we’ve all tried to get help him, but he won’t accept our concerns, nor our suggestions to improve the situation. We show that we care about him, spend time with him, try to make his life easier, and give him lots of love. But we’ve tried (and failed) at getting him to do the following: go to counseling, join a support group, develop interests/hobbies, go to social gatherings, make friends, take a vacation, fire my mother’s current in-home caregiver and allow us to help hire another one who will observe professional boundaries, or consider admitting my mother to a skilled nursing facility.

At this point, we don’t know what to do to help my dad. We’ve been sensitive to the fact that he doesn’t want to be seen or treated like he’s “mentally feeble”. Unfortunately, his mental state is deteriorating, and since he dismisses our concerns and won’t act on any of our suggestions, we don’t know how to help him preserve his mental health, or protect him from potentially predatory situations the in-home caregiver. Any ideas and suggestions will be most appreciated.

Thank you!
Cee

Caregivers dementia causes problems for some.That CNA needs to go ASAP!By hook or by crook!!

quote:

Well, then the aide burst into tears in front of my dad and said this would be a black mark on her record, etc etc...

Grrrr Oh that fries me Cee! Ok shes obviously registered with the state yes?
Cee is she a CNA *Certified Nursing Assistant* or is she just an aide?
Does she do nursing notes everytime she has a shift at your dads home? I dont know if their notes are the same but mine down at the bottom of my daily notes will list my name and title ie: Last name & first, title CNA then under that will be your moms name. Take down her name and title if she is indeed a CNA.
If she is just an NA this does not apply theres nothing that can be done with the state just law enforcement if you catch her doing something illegal.
If she is a CNA take it to the states Ombudsman I dont exactly know how it works from there but tell him/her whats going on and they will be able to forward you through the correct channels so this predator loses her registry.
Cee is she taking money from your dad on a regular basis?
Is it checks or cash? If its checks keep an eye on it and keep a file if you can. Is it petty cash or large amounts?

Oooo, I love the idea of going to a support group by myself and then "meeting one of the people by chance" while my dad and I are out. Great idea! This might be just what he needs to really understand that there are others out there just like him, and sharing his experience with them might help. (By the way, he does have a computer but he just "can't seem to find the time" to even check email anymore. I'll try to get him on this site, but I doubt he'll do it).

Thanks also for the ideas to get the in-home caregiver booted, but unfortunately, she didn't come through an agency - she came through a referral service. So that means that my dad is her sole employer and he refuses to fire her since he thinks of her as family now. I did call Adult Protective Services as well as the referral service - both said that they were concerned and recommended that either we get another aide or have a stern conversation with the current aide and have her sign a contract that she won't overstep professional boundaries. Since dad wouldn't fire her, I drew up a contract with a large list of boundaries that she must not cross and the aide reluctantly signed it (but was visibly upset about the list of boundaries). I thought that would work. But then when the referral service called the aide and said that they learned about her overstepping professional boundaries and that they were requiring her to take a refresher course with them about it...(which sounded like a great step in the right direction! Right?)... Well, then the aide burst into tears in front of my dad and said this would be a black mark on her record, etc etc...so my dad chastized me for talking with the referral service and APS, then went down to the referral service and told them that he's totally fine with the aide overstepping boundaries because he thinks it makes her care even more for my mother. My family and I were like "Oh my God, the aide has him tied around her finger and has undo influence over him - and he's putting the aide's concerns above that of his own family!" She does give good care to my mother, so I see why my dad is being duped by her, but he cannot see that he's being taken advantage of. I hope we can get him away from her soon.

Thanks again for all your help and suggestions!
Cee

Cee just another question-does your mom get physio or occupational therapy? Mike still goes to PT twice a week. They have been very helpful over the years both with exercises and suggesting helpful equipment. For the first about 8 years after his stroke Mike made improvements the last couple of years things have gradually declined which worries me. I still try to take him out(we have a used lowered floor mini van with a ramp)I'm looking forward to seeing your dad around here(here's hoping) Gypsy

Hi Cee. Your dad(and mom) are lucky to have family like you. I too am caring for my husband he had a stroke over 11 years -the last 10 at home. It is hard and lonely at times. We have home support 5 days a week. 2 hours in the am to get him up, 1 in the evening to get him to bed. I also have some respite time 3 days a week. They are not the same people all the time although a couple come more than once a week. It would be very hard to have the same one all the time as they have to take holidays etc. so we are not totally disrupted. I am 67 and sometimes feel like I am losing it esp. mentally after a bad day. Does your Dad have a computer? If so, could you introduce him to this site? There are a few other guys around here but they don't seem to post often. I find coming here and even just reading helps. BTW I didn't get my computer until AFTER I started this caregiving journey. The C also helps keep the mind active. I usually come here in the evening after Mike is in bed. Hope to hear from you and your dad soon. Gypsy

This message has been edited. Last edited by: gypsy,

Good for you, Cee!! Sometimes ya gotta take the bull by the horns and sometimes it feels like a lonesome job for sure! Each of us has to find our own individual "style" and solutions, but it does make a world of difference to discover that there ARE others out here who have "walked the walk" and among them all can usually be found a tidbit or two to help lead ya down the trail for a bit...

In some areas, usually as hospital outreach programs, there are often support groups for stroke victims. It might do your dad a world of good to drop in on one... I'm sure he feels VERY lonely and a stranger in a strange land. Just being around other folks who are walking the same walk as he is (ie. elderly men & women taking care of their spouses) might be a BIG boost to him!! I know y'all have tried to encourage him to go, but he might, ummmm.... need a larger shoe size placed on his rear... Or a little sneaky pete stuff... If he won't go to one, maybe YOU could and maybe ask someone there (preferably another man) to pay him a visit at home to encourage him to attend... Or take him to McDonald's or someplace benign and VOILA!! "There's that NICE MAN I met at the stroke support group I went to to get advice about helping Mom! Let's ask him to join us!" Sometimes, ya have to get real creative, and sometimes NOTHING works, but don't give up until you've tried well-intended underhanded manipulation...

Old folks don't take life's little "hits" as well as they used to... rolling with the punches gets old after 60 or 70 years. When they get centerpunched with the loss or incapacity of a spouse, sometimes, they don't take it very well and begin to slide themselves, becoming depressed, etc. Hopefully with some time and help from folks (like you!) who aren't trying to prey upon him, he'll come around.

Cee when I say its ok to have a friendship with my patients or their families its to get them to trust me that Im doing whats best for everyone concerned, also if I see anything out of line with say another CG they believe it.
I had just recently went through something similar with another CG that was employed with my own agency had it not been for this trust factor my patient would have never tossed a couple of bank statements in my lap showing checks written out to this broad for rent and gifts...theres a bunch more words that came outta my mouth about this woman trust me! Broad is one of the nicest terms I could think of at the moment!
I brought this to the attention of one of my bosses and got this person tossed...quick
If your still employing this agency I would strongly suggest that you pick the CG that comes in to care for your mom if you like continuity of care.
If you dont require that have them switch off CG's from week to week. So no one becomes too "comfortable".

Thank you so, so much for your advice and suggestions! I truly appreciate it; I've felt very lost without anyone to turn to, so your help is truly a blessing. You both bring up excellent points, and I will certainly follow your advice. First step: PCP appointment for my dad, and I'm going with him whether he likes it or not.

It's all so strange and surreal - 10 months ago, I had both my parents, and now, I feel like I've lost both of them (even though they're both alive!) I really appreciate your insights about transitioning from daughter to caregiver, and also taking charge. I've been trying to reason with my dad about various things (such as that he needs to let the in-home aide go since she's taking advantage of him), but since his mental functions are impaired, he's not able to reasonably assess things anymore. So you're right - no more asking or arguing, just doing. That's my new mantra. Thank you so much for your help!
Cee

Welcome, Cee. I understand your concern. It is not unusual for a caregiver/spouse to develop cognitive & emotional problems of their own! Your dad is very vulnerable right now and unfortunately, there are many people who will prey on his vulnerability. Vultures like that SHOULD be reported since tarring and feathering has gone out of style...

BG gave you good advice: stop ASKING your dad if he needs help, and dive in and DO it. This is a transition in the child/parent relationship. We always respected their position and the boundaries between their lives and ours. As parents become less able to handle the issues thrown at them, we have to step up to become their protectors. The actual WAY we relate to them must change. It feels very awkward and invasive initially, but any kind of change feels that way at first. If you must ask your dad a question or to make a decision, make it a short multiple choice and not open-ended.

Dad, do you want me to come do laundry on Monday or Thursday?
not...
Dad, do you want me to do your laundry?

Try to remember that our parents are accustomed to being fully operational adults who have not only taken care of their own adult affairs for a long time, but took care of us, too. It is upsetting to them to accept or request our assistance because THEY are accustomed to being the strong ones who help us, not the other way around. Some anger and resistance is expected - try not to become emotional about it or argue - just matter of fact, reassuring and efficient. Lots of extra hugs and "I-love-yous" help a lot, too!

Glad you found your way here! Keep us updated when you can. Looking forward to getting to know you.

Welcome in Cee glad you found us.
Cee I am a Home healthcare worker and while it is ok to form friendships it is DEFINITELY not alright for this woman to be accepting gifts money or any of the other things you have mentioned.
I hope she is with an agency. If she is PLEASE call this agency up and report her!
This is not condoned by any agency please understand that.
On the issue of your dads health theres a few things.
First instead of asking to help assist in your moms care, just do.
Sometimes we dont accept help willingly whether its pride or feeling like we would be asking too much of a person OR it could be a matter of not trusting that you are there by their side for the long haul.
I have always showed up on a doorstep at one time or another of someone in need, never asking, try it you might be surprised.
Dad might balk at first but sooner or later he will allow you full access and start to trust that you know whats best.
Next tell your dad he needs to see his PCP and ask him point blank, if hes not well or something should happen to him who is going to take care of mom? Ya cant run on empty when your caregiving it just doesnt work.
Your health is key to being successful in this journey without it he does no one any good.

And if ya be needin ANY help with kickin this woman to the curb Im in possession of a pair of size 9 boots that havent been out for a spin in a while