I don't know where to start...
Dad has Brain cancer and has lost his physical and mental facilities. He can poop, eat and walk, but he likes to look at the pretty ladies and "walk". This has happened over the last 10 days. He also likes to "fix" stuff way up high, like "Oh yeah, that light bulb way up there, sure I can just get my ladder out and.." My dad has no idea where he is or when he is.
Ok
I issued mom a cell phone 3 years ago to my mom to call me when things get "confusing." I had lunch with her yesterday. I had her repeat back to me, several times, what I said to her.
1. Dad wants to be buried in *** Nat forest
2. Call me before Dad is discharged.
2A Call me when dad is being discharged.
3. If you don't understand the discharge info call me.
4. Home care is X an hour, you can afford it for the next 40 years on 12.8% of your yearly income
5. You can afford home care. No you really can!

2-5 did not happen or were not processed.
I heard "Cost too much." and a hang up when dad got home. I had to hire my own home care people to take care of them for the next 24 hours.
-edit- Auntie and Mom called to say they were happy I had a helper coming over, but... cost.
WTF. Spend the **** money! I am the only child and Mom has way too much for this "cost" BS. -edit off-

What can I do?
-edit for clarity-

This message has been edited. Last edited by: shooter,

Hey Shooter - how're things going for you and yours? This is a pretty tough walk you are on... I understand your frustration and I hope you understand theirs - it's danged hard to give up independence and accept help, ESPECIALLY if ya have to pay for it! I don't know how much money your mom & dad have, but it's absolutely mind-blowing how healthcare can eat up a sizable estate in no time flat! Watch the pennies because they may have to last a long time!

I hope your Mom (and dad) relinquish some control to you as far as their financial & day-to-day needs. They are in the middle of one of life's bit sh*tstorms and are not thinking as clearly as you. Please understand that they may not be able to inform you clearly, ask for help, follow directions, etc.

As many of us have learned the hard way, one has to be pretty assertive with hospitals about informing us enough in advance about discharges, etc. Do NOT depend on your mom to do this. Tell her nurse (then the floor nurse in charge) that you want a call at least 12 hours in advance of a discharge. You can also tell the doctor and have them WRITE IT IN THE CHART. Anything that isn't in the chart simply ain't gonna happen! Reminding the staff over and over and over is appropriate. You should NOT have to do this, but if you want to preserve your sanity, do it.

Bless your complete heart - it's TOUGH having both of one's parents going haywire at the same time! Hang in there & keep us updated when you can!

Hi, Shooter, I'm pretty new, too! Welcome and I hope you can get some reassurance from the group that will help you. My husband and I have so far lost two parents to stage 4 cancers that lasted 6 mos. and 10 mos. We now have one remaining parent with dementia living in an assisted living dementia unit, and one who has been down for 14 mos. with health issues, but still mentally sharp. It's so very difficult to get them to allow you to make these decisions for them. The main thing in your discussions (in my opinion!) is to make totally certain that everything you are suggesting is for THEIR benefit, not yours. Point out the pluses of having care. I'm about to have to add some hours to my Dad's care, and it will begin to get into his savings that he was hoping to leave untouched. I am having to constantly tell him that I would much rather pay for sitters than for him to be alone as much as he is at the time. I hope you can succeed in providing for their care, while maintaining a good loving relationship. It's a tightrope walk, for sure.

quote:

I was told discharge from the hospital would be two or three days away, but it was the day after I visited. Nice.

OK, local, but Mom and hospital stubbed your toes on discharge day. I would also be upset. I am concerned about your "RIGHT to KNOW" status. Do you have POA or DPOA for either or both of your parents?

I can understand you not being worried about her being happy with you, BUT, sometime we have to play ball and make a few kow tows in order for EVERYONE to have the best case scenario.

You have a very clear and analytical mind. You are a "get it done" type of person and I appreciate that. Get 'er done folks are very valuable, but so are compromising, bargaining, types. I am glad to hear that they are listening to your point. I also am sure you are under a lot of pressure with this.

Again, I urge you to breathe. If you won a little, maybe it is a good time to relax, come back from another angle after they catch their own breath. It is very good that you can see that your mother needs the help, but pressure at the wrong time can back fire. Use caution. Good luck.

Thanks for all who replied.
Yes I am local but I am 2 hours away from my work to the hospital. I was told discharge from the hospital would be two or three days away, but it was the day after I visited. Nice.
Mom did sign up today for night care. We agreed after the radiation appointment that she would not be able to care for dad and that on Monday 24 hour care would be necessary.
I took off work today to take Dad to his initial radiation treatment appointment (fitting, no actually radiation was emitted). Right now I would say mom is at 50/50 reality/confusion. Dad, with a brain tumor is at 40/60 reality/confusion.
Auntie spoke to Mom and I and thinks Mom is losing it due to stress. I agreed and called Mom's Dr. to get her some help.
Mom was prescribed some meds to help out; one short term anti anti-anxiety and one long term anti-depressant. I also signed her up to see her primary care and a therapist.
Even at 40/60 Dad said that I am doing the right thing in helping out mom. I feel like an a55hol3 for doing this; but I don’t want her to be happy with me just healthy so she can take care of herself.
I don’t even want to go into the confusion at the radiation treatment appointment and mom’s outbursts; not good.
I just feel relieved to be home with my kids, my wife understands and really tries to help out.

Once I had been in this gentlemens home, got it cleanedup , his son stayed a week at his home.Before he would stay at an Inn because the house was not one you would trust spending much time.People come to the home and notice right away the difference.Also, I believe they were close to having someone report this mans way of living and the signs of his neglecting himself, .
Persistance and telling things as they are may not be easy but sometimes necessary.The end may justify the means.

Sometimes it is not just about price though, or our need, or whether it is affordable, sometimes it is about having strangers in our homes handling our loved ones and being Oooh so helpfulwhen we just hate it that we are in this situation and don't want to need help.

This was the situation when the gentlemen I care for feared.His children sat down with him and gave him the true facts and the alternative.For him it was not the money, that was an issue with the son.After a while he began to realize what had been down was good for him.Allowed him to remain in his home, gave him the space to continue to do certain things for himself.Noe he becomes concerned when I am not there.
You have to sit down and tell the the reality of their situation.Show them their finances and let them see they have money to be independent enough for as along as possible.This is so common with out parents.Money is their security blanket and their last line of independence.
Many other factors come to play.Their pride , etc.As hard as it maybe you have to tell them how important it is for them to maintain a quality of life that is good for their health.They can resist , for sure , but you have to tell them the cons of not accepting some help to allow them to remain in their home and have quality of life..Now the man I care for concerns himself with my getting paid for what I do.HE HAS REALIZED THE CHOICE HE MADE WAS FOR HIS OWN GOOD.If they allow someone to come in and be honest with them selves they will see the benefits,You have got to make them understand the consequences of not having some help.Honesty is the best policy.
It is a generation thing for sure.THEIR LAST BIT OF INDEPENDENCE IS AT RISK.Good luck

welcome to ECO, shooter. I take it you don't live close by and are trying to help long distance? You couldn't be there for the discharge?

First thing you do is take a deep breath. another. I don't know how old your folks are, but many of us get sticker shock when we see the price tag on home care.

Sometimes it is not just about price though, or our need, or whether it is affordable, sometimes it is about having strangers in our homes handling our loved ones and being Oooh so helpfulwhen we just hate it that we are in this situation and don't want to need help.

You are wonderful to care and step up, but is it possible that Mom and Auntie can and want to do this at least for a right now. Does your mother have health issues of her own that make you believe that she cannot/should not?

Perhaps the cost is just a polite and loving way of letting you know that Mom wants to do this differently. We can listen to you vent and you can listen to your Mom. Perhaps she will compromise with part time help.

I think you are a very kind and generous child to want what you think is best for them and are ready and able to spend what it takes, but don't panic and become a control freak until you really need to. Maybe now is that time, maybe not. Sometimes we have to wait a little while for things to sink in. Do you think they are in danger?

Breathe, breathe again. How is your father's brain cancer being treated?