Hi, I'm new here. I am seeking support for right now and for the future, as my husband and I are starting to have to deal with issues concerning his brother. We are in our late 50s, but my husband was a "caboose" baby, and his two siblings are much older than us (BIL is 70, SIL is 77). SIL is still doing okay on her own and has a daughter to help out when the day comes that she no longer can. It's the BIL who is giving us problems....

Like I said, BIL is 70 years old. He has never married and has no children, parents are deceased, and SIL lives 1000 miles away, so he has become my husband's problem. He is perfectly able to care for himself but is financially almost destitute and refuses to be realistic about his situation. His landloard has been incredibly patient for a lo-o-o-o-ong time with his inability to pay his rent regularly, but now he is selling the building and BIL has to be out of his apartment by the end of July.

He's in poor health and unable to hold down a job, and his only steady income is about $600 per month of social security, not enough to rent a broom closet in Chicago, where he lives. He has no savings or other financial resources at this point. The only economically viable option for him is some form of subsidized housing, but he is refusing to accept that. Eligibility is not a problem, but getting him to apply is! One major stumbling block is that he is a big time packrat and feels that he HAS to have a certain amount of space for all the CRAP he has accumulated. But I think it’s more than that—he just doesn’t want to face reality.

SIL says he has always lived in a world of his own, always insisted on doing things HIS way even if it made no practical sense. That is why he's in this situation. He lost several jobs over the years because of insisting on doing things HIS way rather than how he was being told to do things. He's a very talented artist, is still able to paint and draw, and could probably make some real income from that, IF he was willing to gear his activities toward what is commercially viable. But forget that--he is determined to do the art HE wants to do, not what someone else wants him to do, income or no income!

Like I said, he is being totally unrealistic about his situation. He keeps acting like he thinks someone is going to bail him out somehow. I think part of the problem is that his father did exactly that for years and years. There was an aunt (also deceased now) who helped him as well. He's had opportunities to build a nest egg for himself but has thrown them all away. When he lost the last full-time time job he had (a number of years ago), he decided to concentrate on his art full time. He sold his house and proceeded to live off the proceeds from that and the money in his 401K until it was all gone. After that, he lived off a part time telephone fund raising job and handouts from Dad. Dad died 7 years ago, all three siblings inherited some money, and instead of saving or investing, BIL lived off what there until it was gone.

He started drawing social security as soon as he was old enough, and managed to squeak by with that and the fund raising job for several years. But then he lost that job and the social security alone just isn’t enough.

Personally, I think his dad was too much of an enabler, giving BIL so much help over the years that he never had to face the consequences of the poor choices he was making. But it’s too late to do anything about that now. The task at hand is getting him to apply for housing assistance and take whatever they are prepared to give him, even though it almost certainly isn’t going to meet his space specifications. We and SIL have told him in no uncertain terms that none of us are in a position to help him financially.

There’s NO way we could take him in. We are a family of three living in a 2 bedroom condo and barely have enough space for ourselves as it is. We are all very worried that he is going to wait too long to wake up and smell the coffee, won’t be able to find housing in time, and will end up homeless. He wouldn’t survive for a month on the streets.

If the worse case scenario does happen, it will be no one’s fault but his own, but that won’t stop us from feeling horrible about the situation.

So that is what we are dealing with. I did some research online and found out that the City of Chicago Office on Aging has a program to help seniors who are homeless or in imminent danger of becoming homeless find affordable housing. I gave my husband the information, and now his job will be to convince BIL to avail himself of this service before it’s too late. Wish us luck!

Thanks for hearing me out. Just being able to unload, I feel a little better already!

sharon. it's good to meet you. tough situation you're in. i don't know Ill. laws or resources in chicago so i'm sorry i don't have a magic bullit for you but i'm here if you need to unload, run things past us or just do some wool gathering. let us here from you soon. welcome! don't forget the bar is always open and there's always someone willing to buy! stop in.

Sharon,
Could you contact some local Chicago protective agency or charity about your BIL and get them to deal with him? After all, he is going to be evicted so there is an urgency.

I would be loathe to deal with him myself. I have a brother who is 60 now and lives with a woman who has supported him the last 20 years. I hope he has enough work credits to get Social Security but I don't know where they'd come from. You need 40 quarters and I don't think he's worked at all in the last 20 years and before that it was pretty spotty work. My younger brother and I have talked about "What if" and neither of us would even let him into our homes if he came knocking because the police will not want to remove a relative you voluntarily allowed in. And you are dealing with someone who likely has a form of mental illness so he can't be counted on to just leave when he has no where to go. As for all of his belongings --- he'll walk away from them on his own when theres no enabler to take them and store them for him. I truly believe you are right about the enabling part. And there is no gratitude from these types of people. My mother allowed my brother to live off her until he was in his early 40's and then let him keep his mountains of belongings there for another 10 years and he treated her with menacing contempt and then was furious when she finally sold her home and he had to clear all that stuff out. He's been furious about it for the last 7 years.

Sharon, I'm very pleased to meet you, but I certainly wish it was under better circumstances. This is bound to be a terrible concern for you and your hubby, and I really don't know what you can do for someone in that situation. Since this is his lifestyle pattern , it doesn't sound like dementia, Incompetent, yes, but probably not legally. He is an adult, sorta, and I doubt you can force anything down his throat. It sounds as if there are no friends or sponsors that you know of.

About the only thing that comes to mind is to show him a shopping cart and ask him how much of his "crap" will fit in that, Because if he becomes homeless, that will be all the space he has. A small subsidized housing unit would allow for more and he'ld be able to lock up his prizes when he went out, instead of toting everything everywhere he went. That's reality.

You might also buy him a lottery ticket and tell him that's all you will do. Give him a chance. Who knows, he might win big. (I think I'ld buy myself the same numbers, so if he does get lucky, I'ld get half. No sense risking having to kick your self into the lake.)
If you or your husband has the time, look at one of thse places, and then take him to see it. Maybe it's not as bad as he thinks. I really appreciate that you are taking a stand on what you will, can, and willnot, cannot do.

Granted, reality is that he is unlikely to grab hold of a lucky star, but he could. He believes it. Tuff love is a little late for him, but it is all you've got. Probably tougher on your husband than any one, especially your BIL.

Good luck to you and yours. Even though this is a situation of his own making, I know he is still family. That is hard to cope with.