My mother is now living with me and needs 24 hour supervision. In her mind she is here only on a visit. This works pretty good and somtimes she starts to want to go back to live in her house alone. but I can work around this by focusing on other things
Here is my problem my sister has the DOA. wants for fincail reasons to rent out her home and move into my mothers old home. and my sister is demanding that my mother go and visit her on weekends and holidays in her old home.I believe this will start my mother demanding more to return to living in her old home. My sister can not look after my mother because she works and can not afford the cost of a sitter. We all have homes in 3 different cities 100 miles apart.
I say she should not visit the old home and my sister should visit up here.

Hi, Robin, for all the reasons stated by MB and TORP, the idea of every weekend and holidays concerns me. But there is also this one, the distance involved. It would be at least 2 hours one way, correct? That is a long trip for an 87 year old to make 2x in a weekend. From what you have said before she is in good physical health, but she will need several breaks to stretch her legs sitting still for that length of time, as you know could cause trouble. That will make the trip longer and there would have to be appropriate places to stop.

She stayed with your sister for 2 years, right, and been with you for 5-6 months? So your sister does know what she is getting into in a way, and she knows how important breaks can be. So I am thinking that she has her heart in the right place. Have there been any major changes for your Mom since the move to you?

Maybe you can arrange a test visit where you stay the weekend also, and you and your sister can both see how it goes. Like TORP, I am concerned that if you are to make a round trip, 2x each weekend, well that would be 8 hours on the road and certainly no relief. plus, with gas the way it's going, there's a house payment. In fact, there's sitter money. (maybe not quite )

If the test visit goes well, perhaps your sister could take her on long weekends, and once in a while you and Mom could visit together for a short weekend. Of course you could consult her doctor and ask about the anticipated effects of this arrangement. I am certain that you can make something negative out of one or two points.

Hi Robin... as TORP so eloquently put it... hard call. This is one to play by ear, but my kneejerk, gut reaction is that you are correct. While people may want to return "home," this becomes a state of mind, another time and space rather than an actual location. It's difficult to give up one's home. My mother lived many years in this house. When she left, it became my home even though many things are still in the same places as when she left. When she moved back, I put her furniture in here with mine and for a while, it made her feel more "at home," but this was never really her home again. Once your sister moves into her mother's home, it will no longer be her mother's home... some things will be the same and even may look the same, but it will be changed. Perhaps she might feel comforted by visiting there, or perhaps it might agitate her and confuse her and produce emotions that are not intended nor wanted by anyone.

You could give it a try, but please share with your sister what I have told you and think on it... The idea here is for our loved ones to be as happy and content as possible. It may upset your mother to return to a home that maybe she WILL remember and find things out of place... sort of a Twilight Zone version of her home. Maybe she won't remember it much at all and be upset that she's told that that's her home, but it isn't...

Think on it, you and your sis, but especially you because you are more familiar with your mother's state of mind now... then do what you think will make her the happiest, regardless of your sister's feelings or your own.

Hard call. On the one hand, it would sure be nice for you to get weekends off and the longer mom is with you, the more you will need these regular breaks.

On the other hand, our experience has been that they get sad and agitated when shuffled back and forth much.

If your sister has the backbone to be either firm or persuasive, as needed, and transport mom back to your house, it may be worth going along with it for the time being. If she wants you to do all the dirty work, I'd say further discussion is needed.
Two different experiences:

When our LO was first transferred to skilled nursing, it was from an independent living apartment on the same campus. It wasn't hopeful that she'd ever be able to return to her apartment, even with home health support, but we kept the apartment intact for the amount of time that medicare was covering her skilled nursing stay. Various family members would decide to check her out of SN and wheel her to her apartment so that she could be with her familiar things. We didn't really care, except that invariably when it was time to return her to SN at the end of the visit, she would resist and instead of being firm or persuasive, they'd call me to drive over there and get her returned to her room in SN. So I'd have to drop everything and rush over there. It happened more than once, and frankly by the next day she didn't even remember being in her apartment. it gets wearisome being the bad guy all the time, you know?

Our friend, a caregiver of his father who had alzheimer's, had purchased the house he grew up in when his father remarried. He kept the same furniture. When dad's alzheimer's had progressed to the point where he was very difficult to manage, he would "spell" his stepmother by taking dad on weekends. It worked out all right, although there was a period of agitation with each transfer back and forth. At least both stepmother and son had several days per week when they could sleep eight hours, run errands, visit friends, and so forth.

Consider as well that you really don't want to do anything to make your sister feel edged out. You girls are going to need each other before its over and done with, and families get pissy and territorial over the least little thing when under the stress of dealing with their beloved parent's decline.

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