Hi,

First I am thankful to have found a place to vent. My Mother in Law lives with my husband and I..and she has been diagonosed with COPD. 2 years ago we moved her from her home which was falling down around her. she lived with one of her daughers who did not pay the bills, resulting in the power and phone being disconnected on a regular basis. Her meals consisted of Carls Jr/s french fries daily, she had no medication and was just "exisiting". I am and animal nurst/hospital admin and I could not stand to see her living like that. Now grant it she has 4 children none besides my husband thought these were inappropriate living conditions. Moving on...2 years later she has a clean home/good diet/medicication (no medical insurance)and she treats me like crap. She controls our home. We are not allowed to have a fire in the fireplace, I can't use perfume.hairspray nor is my husband. No candles are allowed. We can't good anything on the stove it all has to be in the oven. She is extremely picky about what foods she will eat. and she refuses to do as the Dr. tells her. She continues to smoke cigs..and refuses to drink a drop of water. She has not taken a bath in 2 years. she "sponge" baths. I had a hair dresser come in one time last year and she cut her hair to a manageable cut little cut.( since she refuses to wash that too!) and she was furious. it was TOO short. she refuses to cut her hair to this day. She looks like a WITCH! all sticking up she stinks. I change her bedding once a week and its black..she keeps her body covered up..she lives in the same clothes for weeks on end. She refuses to change clothes. OMG I am beside myself. I have discussed this with my Husband. His other sisters don't have the proper room for her but I am so afraid we are going to get in trouble for allowing her to continue on this way. What do you do when they appear competent but refuse to care for themselves. the odor is discusting! HELP in Idaho please....

Hi, Denise, How is it going today? Day by day, that's what we do. So, Honey, we haven't heard from you in a short while. How is TODAY? Stay in touch.
Respectfully yours, Bobcat

Denise is she producing any bowel? The one thing you can never do is rely on them tellin you their level of pain or even if they have any....Is there anyone besides you that she will listen to? Someone she trusts? Get them to convince her its a good idea to see the doctor.
If not try talking to her in a calm sweet voice assure her they will make her feel better, ANYTHING at this point to get her to go in and be seen.
Hey if you have to lie, fine do it... will she go out with you? If so take a short trip to a drug store on the way to the doctors office tell her you have an appoint. and while your in there have the doc look her over as an afterthought (call the PCP beforehand and tell them what your up to/trying to get her in there)
This is truly an exercise in finagling Im tellin you! You know her best you know what works and what doesnt so go with what you know Denise.
And by the way hows your hunny doin? Is he giving you a hand here? Get him more involved because frankly he needs to be, this is his mom and his responsibility.
The last thing anyone needs here is for you to get burnt out on the care of his mom baby, remember that your health and sanity is most important here

Denise, you aren't taking up anybodies time. That's the cool thing about computors. We are here ,or not ,and can do, or not, you aren't bothering anyone, and we will be back to you soon as we can. I'll admit, at sometimes of the day, it is possible , that no one is here , I've seen it myself, but speak your mind, check back, we will be with you just as soon as the diapers are changed.
Respectfully yours, Bobcat

Thanks all! Well its been two weeks again no bath..and she is beginning to have problems with her stomach...she REFUSES to go to the Dr..soo any suggestions on this? Can I have a Dr. visit her at the house? if so how do I go about it..Her appetite is diminished a lot..she says she feels like she has the flu but no aches and pains..I am wondering if her kidneys are failing and backing up causing stomach pain...I can make an appointment for her but I can't move her she has gained a lot of weight just eating and laying in bed..her cough seems to be getting worse as well..I hate to keep taking up everybodies time here...I know there are others needing advice..I will gladly wait my turn..

God Bless you all

Denise

My good G.., Denise, my heart goes out to you. It must be earth shattering to have YOUR life jerked six ways from Sunday like this and then get grief for your efforts. It scares me to think this could become a deal breaker for your marriage. Is that possible? You didn't sign on to be an "at risk slave" for his mother and have her set rules in your house. Although I really don't think you could be accused of elder abuse, I can see why you are concerned. If you are not ready to fight to have her legally declared incompetent, you could still use the threat as a bargaining chip. She seems to be competent enough to complain about her daughter in law, and to buffalo you with HER terms. Even if you were to have her declared NC, you would still be at her mercy if she won't cooperate. You just might be in a better place for financial aid.
You don't have a mean bone in your body, do you? If you did, you'ld tell her, "no bath , no breakfast," "eat the oatmeal, or don't eat", "if you smoke, a candle burning is not going to hurt you, and the stink has got to go". What can I say, I have no idea if I could do it either because I've never had to.
Something has got to give or someone will break. Is your husband usually a reasonable man and just in denial here? Were all of the siblings so cowtowed by Mom growing up that they have their heads in the sand? I like the idea presented, that you find a reason to go absent and drop it in hubby's lap for a while. Maybe a relative of your's needs you for a few days? If she's not NC, she's a selfish old jerk, If she is NC, she needs a medical and legal evaluation fast. If she's not, a good threat to declare her so, could straighten her out for about 2 days, but not for much more.
Some far more experienced folks than me are seeing some serious patterns presented here. Under the circumstances, I would consider the non competent thing. But that is about her. What concerns me even more is your own family dynamics. Does no one else (hubby) see what this is doing to you and your home? My SIL is a great person and I really get a lot of support most of the time from my brother (except when it comes to home maintenance) but both my legs would have to be broken before I would give up my Mom's care to them. I don't understand her daughters at all.
OK you got me on a rant that probably went beyond anything helpful, but Baby, I'm on your side. Do what you have to to keep control in your own home, and keep in touch. Sorry if I went overboard here. This touched a raw nerve. Bobcat

Denise, I am not one to suggest placing anyone.But you cannot live with these conditions.If there are no answers to her behavior or meds, how long do you think you can deal with this?
I agree with the others, let hubby stay with her for a week with you out of the house,His denial is self serving.It will accomplish nothing .I would have areas in the house that are off limits to her.You have a right to life free from her placing restraints on what you can and cannot do.I will say this is not normal behavior and hubby is the one to address it with a gheriatric doctor.Being flexable is one thing but having to stop living as you would like in your home is another

Torp, good for hubby to take the time to experience your daily chores as a caregiver.Nothing teaches a person like seeing it first hand.

Taking two weeks of FMLA from work sure was an eye opener for my husband. He never was criticizing me, or anything like that. But after that, he was sure interceding for me more often.

I really think that mom needs a full evaluation, including a psych evaluation. Her behavior is classic dementia, but a deep depression can also mimic dementia. It could very well happen that an antidepressant might make a world of difference in her life quality ... and yours.

Bunnys Grl. great post with the right answers.Denise she has given you the way to deal with the situation at hand.Tell hubby to take the reins and try to run mom.See how long he lasts.Tell him to S.... or get off the pot

Denise if you dont mind Im gonna jump in on this one. First of all your husband has no business to twist things around making it your fault. Ya better hold up that proverbial mirror to his face right quick asking the question "Are you here 24/7 with her? Then dont make assumptions in regards to my quality of care" You KNOW what assume did right?! (ok so Im a little testy this morning but you get my point)
And hun if I had a nickel for every time I heard someone piddled in their clothes and stowed them away in a drawer behind a rocking chair in a closet poo in a bag under a bed we'd all be rich right now...Its just one of those quirks that our LO's do.
Now in the case of asking for her dirty clothes she had on before the shower...You dont ask you just take and replace them with clean clothes. If I allowed my own MIL choices the likelihood of her making a sound decision would be few and far between. They are not high functioning adults anymore, their reasoning has left. You just cant count on them making a correct decision or a sane one for that matter. Its just not possible anymore.
You have to ignore all her ramblings or redirect the conversation to something less argumentative they dont handle this situation well.
At this point if she refuses to get up you have no choice but to fix her meals if she is getting constipated then this diet is not working for her and you have to change it up I have the same problem here with my MIL because they are sedentary their bowels arent preforming at optimum levels so you need to change her diet to soft foods like soups puddings applesauce jello fruit smoothies ect. Otherwise she will end up back in the hospital with a very mean case of impaction.
My own cousin was going through what you are going through here I asked her If my aunt doesnt get up and do things what is she going to do? Starve? Not drink. You are the one "doing" she is not, therefore if she doesnt like it and you are doing this with her health and safety in mind you do what you feel is best for her and if that means serving her something other than she wants so be it if that means you give her a sippy cup rather than a tea cup cause she spills thats what you do.
See what Im sayin Denise? And if your husband doesnt like how you handle this then tell "Mr Denise" to stay home and you'll gladly go out and work for a change...Whats he gonna do fire you? I also went through this little situation with my own Hunny and let me tell you...it dont fly with me. I love it when people try and tell me how to do my job cause I come right back at em "Well if thats the case I tell ya what step up to the plate and take over my role"...yeah figures no takers on that one...

Thank you so much Moms_Buddy..You had a lot to say that was very helpful. I think I am frusterated because I am the only one being attacked by her and I am the only one that feels something is very wrong. My husband tends to twist things around and make her behavior a result of my poor management of the situation. Example..Today...She only wants to eat eggs and bacon every damn morning. yet complains she is constipated. I told her she needs some other foods in her diet..and WATER..she refuses to drink a drop of it...Anyway I fixed her oatmeal fresh fruit and toast one morning..she refused to touch it..today I fixed Raisen bran cereal. Fresh fruit and yogart cup coffee and Juice and she refused to eat it..Lunch she has been complaining that she wanted tamalies (spelling) I don't eat mexican food at all I can't handle the spice. But anyway...I fixed those and a green salad for lunch..she looked at it and said aren't you making Chilli? I said no I made that, she said I don't eat these without chilli and gave me this look like I was a whack job. I just said I don't have Chilli and walked away..Than..I was vacumning the house..mind you my Husband bought a $700 vacumn so she would not suffer with the dust..and low and behold she flipped out because I was vacumning..she said she couldn't breath. She won't allow me to mop with anything but plain water..cuzz she can't breath..I can't light a fire in the fire place..she can't breath..no candles, perfume, hairspray in the house at all..I do my hair in the garage..or car..I just think she needs to live in a BUBBLE...as far as the Cigs..My Husband took them away a week ago..told her nomore...we are spending hundreds of dollars on meds and the cigs are keeping them from helping. She of course has been on a kick saying its not our choice we can't do that she has rights..well I have asthma and the smoke on her clothes and hair that she never washes makes it hard for me to breath...a week ago my husband finally forced her into a shower..she was horrible..called us all kinds of names. said we were taking her dignity away from her..said we were abusing her..etc...while she was in the shower I found the horrible smell in her room..she had peed her clothes and shoved them in drawers..I took them and washed them. I asked her if I could have the dirty clothes she just took off prior to the shower (that she had on for almost 2 months) and she refused me..she said she would wash her own laundry..which never happens. We also took her medications and have been administering them as she was not taking them as directed. she of course said she was but..I counted them...She feels we have taking everything from her..We also want her to change clothes every day...or at least sleep in bedclothes..she feels that is out of the question. She has been in the same clothes since her shower a week ago..and refuses to change..and won't let us help her do it. I think my husband is in denial of how bad the situation is..little by little she is taking away my rights ...with the above mentioned things she won't allow due to difficulty breathing. Can we get in trouble without having DPOA for taking her smokes away..forcing a shower and change of clothes and administering meds? I don't trust her daughters..she of course calls them and complains that we are mistreating her..and they are in Calif...we are in Idaho...not like they can drop by and see for themselves...SIGH...I told my husband tonight..I am done taking her abuse..starting tomorrow..if she wants food she can get it herself OR ask me for something..I am not going to take it upon myself to make food she won't eat. how would you handle the eating situation? Thanks again for all your support..perhaps you have messanger of some type and we could chat sometime online or the phone? be well my new friend...good night

Welcome, Denise! Glad you found your way here. Your MILs difficulties are complicated by her age... services that are available to Medicare recipients are not available for her.

This is where you are gonna have to put your foot down. Your MIL is obviously not mentally competant to handle her own daily affairs, but to try to force her into a different residential situation with only a POA would be very difficult (a Durable Power of Attorney is needed to make medical decisions for folks).

My feeling is that your SIL should take her to live there. There's a lot of difference between caring for one's parent and one's in-law. As you have said, you are powerless in this situation but everything revolves around YOU caring for an uncooperative relative.

quote:

That sister wants her to come because she feels her mother should not live in a home where she is not "wanted". I said thats not fair whats not wanted is her BEHAVIOR!...I just want her out of my home..I told my husband I was going to call social services to come out and talk to her..he won't allow that...<sigh> he feels an obligation to her that is beyond what I think it should be

Too bad if SIL has her nose outta joint and makes guilt-laden remarks concerning matters of which she knows NOTHING... but I can understand her defending her mama... easier to make you out to be a meanie rather than accept how very compromised her mother's abilities have become. Unfortunately, when caring for elderly people, their behaviors come along with the deal. No offense to her or any other patient suffering from dementia, but there IS no separating the behavior from the person - and the person is NOT responsible for their behavior! Such is the very NATURE of mental incompetence. It seems maddening that someone who is incompetent can "run the show," but they certainly CAN, if allowed! And they will run it quite badly, I might add! Although I respect your husband's devotion to his mom, HE is not the one who would be her 24/7 caregiver - YOU are! Marriage does NOT include a vow to care for elderly relatives. She may very well "take" direction from her daughter better than she does her daughter-in-law. It doesn't matter WHO cares for her so long as she will be cooperative with the caregiver. Obviously, y'all don't have that relationship and your husband is not a "player." Her deteriorating mental condition may make it impossible for her to cooperate with ANY caregiver (read around this forum and you'll soon catch on to this!).

Caring for mentally challenged adults is NOT like in the fairy tales! People who are very skilled at helping folks recuperate from sickness or injury sometimes are totally unable to care for someone who is challenged mentally. It takes a special kind of understanding and detachment to be successful in caring for people with brain disorders without driving the caregiver (and those around them) nutz! Some folks just can't get past the nasty behaviors, remarks, etc. that are just part of the illness. They see the same person they've always known and can't understand why this person behaves differently - like they are not trying hard enough, etc. It is not that - they CAN'T try any harder because their sense of judgement is shot! One can only try if one UNDERSTANDS and can remember how...

Please seek the advice of a social worker. If she were on medicare/medicaid and with a DPOA, your husband should be able to speak with the doc to have her admitted to a rehab facility to upgrade her physical abilities. Because rehabs don't allow smoking, this would be an EXCELLENT time to allow THEM to "dry her out" from the smokes. Then, when she returns home (to your place or to her daughter's) it's a simple matter of NEVER buying any for her.

Friction between MILs and DILs is legendary - the Moms are always trying to run the DILs home as they cannot POSSIBLY provide a suitable home for their sons! The sons allow this and are often quite oblivious to the female power struggle that is going on, so their denial just feeds the situation until open warfare breaks out, at which time, the DIL usually gets the tongue-lashing because she's not being "sensitive" enough to MIL's needs; she's an old lady, can't you just get along and be nice to her, blah, blah, blah.

Personally, I think some kind of intervention needs to be called. A social worker can be of assistance in this process. Get hubby and your SIL in the same room with the social worker and lay it all out. If your husband REFUSES to relinquish care of his mom to his WILLING sister, THERE'S the problem! Having a round table style discussion with someone who knows not only the ins and outs of the medical and social services system plus the facts about how disruptive she is to your home and how damaging it is to a relationship to FORCE a non-relative to take care of an incompetent MIL should produce some good results. At least everyone will know the issues, the choices and possible solutions to the problem. It might also be wise to contact an eldercare attorney who might be able to offer some kind of assistance in getting her disability through SS and get her qualified for medicare/medicaid.

What you have done in "rescuing" your MIL is huge, whether SHE realizes it or not (it's always unwise to expect or even hope for gratitude from mentally incompetent people - they just ain't got it to give)! By that act, you have gone farther than her own DAUGHTER did when your MIL was in need... BUT for this to become a permanent situation for YOU, by default, is not only unfair, it's downright insulting! Don't fall for the guilt trips and manipulations others may foist upon you - they are simply trying to transfer their own load of guilt onto you and THAT'S a pretty dirty trick! If your husband and his sister are so very concerned about their mother's care, THEY should be the ones grappling for a solution, NOT you! And ANY solution which includes residence in your home HAS to include you as a major player 'cause it's your dang home and your life and your time and your emotions and your labor which are all being volunteered as if you didn't have a say in the matter!

When you do speak with them, TRY to avoid emotion-charged terms such as "She looks like a WITCH! all sticking up she stinks." Even if that IS the unvarnished truth, no daughter or son likes to hear their mother referred to in this manner. TRY to use terminology that is less pointed.

quote:

I just expect people to try and help themselves

Sweetie, this statement reveals how little you truly understand about dementia and mental incapacity. If she could, she would, but she can't. Period. Oh SURE - she THINKS she can, but she can't. The "excuses" you are so tired of hearing may not be excuses - they may all be SYMPTOMS of a larger underlying condition such as AD, etc. that is progressively destroying her brain function.

quote:

she can still puff those cigs into her lungs

Not if no one buys them, she can't! If she is smoking only three times a day, I doubt this is real significant to her condition.

quote:

His other sisters don't have the proper room for her but I am so afraid we are going to get in trouble for allowing her to continue on this way. What do you do when they appear competent but refuse to care for themselves.

I don't know what you mean by "the proper room for her" - few of us have decked out rooms that are "friendly" for disabled people! When my mom moved in here, my extra room was my art studio, which got shove out onto the porch (and anywhere else I can manage to set up to work). Piece by piece, we changed that room to suit her needs - new flooring (no carpeting); a sink in the corner; a closet and filled it with whatever medical equipment she needed plus a few items of her furniture so it would look like "her" place.
Your MIL does not appear to be competant to me whatsoever. I highly doubt she could fake out a team of specialists who are skilled in evaluating the mental functions of people. Sure, an everyday conversation might go okay, but when the surface is scratched, her disability becomes apparent to anyone who is trained to evaluate such things. Her very refusal to care for herself (ignoring the nicotine issue) is a red flag to nearly any health care professional.

As for getting in trouble - I don't think you have anything to worry about, dear! You have uplifted her living condition to an acceptable place. That she is uncooperative does NOT reflect on the care and housing conditions you are providing to her. The Elder Protection Services have PLENTY of terrible situations to investigate - unless someone makes a complaint that she is not being well cared for, they simply have bigger fish to fry that your MIL's case. Why do you worry that they might investigate you and cause you trouble? Calling your local Council on Aging might help you to locate some resources to help you resolve her status with social security and get her eligibility for medicare moved up a few years as a result.

Don't give up, dear! Sit down with your husband with a counselor, if necessary, and lay this all out on the table. You hubby has to be able to look at this problem dispassionately and without emotional baggage. It just won't do for him to "save" his mother only to destroy his family in the process. Good luck!

Hi Denise; I'm fairly new here, too.
If your husband has a sister who wants to take MIL into her own home, how about agreeing to a weekend trial, just for starters?
Sis would get a taste, and if you and Hubby don't have any better plans (wink, nudge) it would be a good opportunity to get the MILs room aired out and cleaned, at least. And a chance to set up the rules and boundaries list.
Best of luck - you've found a wonderful bunch of people here. I knew I was "home" right away.

I kinda suspected there was a prob with Hunny Denise
Im gonna tell you right here and now you NEED to set rules with your hunny you have put your time and energy into caring for HIS mom and he needs to be AWARE of this. This is NOT YOUR job...it is his and his siblings responsibility, but since you have shown the compassion bone here they better freakin bow to you I say. They got a problem with that I gotta few choice words to share with them given the chance!
Are you being mean??? Well do you feel you are?
Give her care over to the sister who shows no respect for the position you have been put in and lets see how long she lasts before she blows a gasket, tosses mom back to you or into a NH.
Wheres hunny during all this unrest? At work right?! And only best behavior comes out when he is home right? This is the #2 reason why I got the camera so my hunny could SEE what the heck he was missin when he wasnt lookin...Big eye opener for him now he even uses the "word" Dementia...Hah that was a turning point here
How about trying Medi-Cal for her Denise?

quote:

Originally posted by Denise B:
Hi,

First I am thankful to have found a place to vent. My Mother in Law lives with my husband and I..and she has been diagonosed with COPD. 2 years ago we moved her from her home which was falling down around her. she lived with one of her daughers who did not pay the bills, resulting in the power and phone being disconnected on a regular basis. Her meals consisted of Carls Jr/s french fries daily, she had no medication and was just "exisiting". I am and animal nurst/hospital admin and I could not stand to see her living like that. Now grant it she has 4 children none besides my husband thought these were inappropriate living conditions. Moving on...2 years later she has a clean home/good diet/medicication (no medical insurance)and she treats me like crap. She controls our home. We are not allowed to have a fire in the fireplace, I can't use perfume.hairspray nor is my husband. No candles are allowed. We can't good anything on the stove it all has to be in the oven. She is extremely picky about what foods she will eat. and she refuses to do as the Dr. tells her. She continues to smoke cigs..and refuses to drink a drop of water. She has not taken a bath in 2 years. she "sponge" baths. I had a hair dresser come in one time last year and she cut her hair to a manageable cut little cut.( since she refuses to wash that too!) and she was furious. it was TOO short. she refuses to cut her hair to this day. She looks like a WITCH! all sticking up she stinks. I change her bedding once a week and its black..she keeps her body covered up..she lives in the same clothes for weeks on end. She refuses to change clothes. OMG I am beside myself. I have discussed this with my Husband. His other sisters don't have the proper room for her but I am so afraid we are going to get in trouble for allowing her to continue on this way. What do you do when they appear competent but refuse to care for themselves. the odor is discusting! HELP in Idaho please....

hum...not sure how to replay without sending back your whole letter..sorry...but at any rate..yes my Husband has POA..shes not old enough for medicare..she has a rental property which is her only source of income..and her home which was sold 2 years ago.for dirt nothing..it was almost condemed..but I have tried to sign her up for social security..she has never worked..and they declined her based on not having two years of history with her "disease" Taking her to the Dr. is an act of congress..but I have managed to get her there at least once a year..I have no power against her..she tells her daughters that I am mean..that I want to send her away to a home..I DO! so she can get the help she needs..She says all smells bother her breathing..but she can still puff those cigs into her lungs..so I get angry that I have to give up living but she gives up nothing...I am tired of waiting on her hand and foot..if she can get her ass on her scooter and go outside to smoke 3 times a day she should beable to get herself something to eat..and get into the shower with some assistance..am I right? or wrong here...I just expect people to try and help themselves...GRRR I am sooo frusterated...

Welcome in Denise
Can I say Im right there with ya baby MIL's ....Ok though seriously Jess tryin to get you to laugh.
Well first of all is she a competent adult? The simple answer is no she is not.
Lemme guess at something here baby you feel like your in a rock and a hard place since this is Hunnys mom?
Well let me assure you, you have every right to stand up in your own home and set boundaries for not only your MIL but your hunny too since you are her main Caregiver. Read up a little on Dementia and Alz. there are rules and guidlines to follow for the CG's as well as the LO's.
She is not competent enough to make decisions so you must make them for her when it comes to her well being. You have to set boundaries for her safety
As for medical why doesnt she have any? There are programs out there to assist you in getting her medical treatment and medication because from what you have said it doesnt sound like the meds she is on are working for her anymore or she is not on the correct meds.
First things first...Do you or your Hunny have a POA/DPOA for her? Start there and get that done.
2nd did she ever work or her husband ever work the reason I ask is that she (if she is of age) should be receiving Medicare if not after you get her POA/DPOA in order you need to call the SS Administration and get her signed up and on the road to proper healthcare. If she doesnt qualify for Medicare you can then sign her up for Medicaid.
3rd after all of this is accomplished you need to get her evaluated if she hasnt been already to get her on proper meds.
Denise keep a journal of behaviors on her so when you take her to her next appointment you will be armed and ready to tell the PCP just whats going on with her. You can speak to them in private away from MIL so as not to agitate her or give her a chance to fib her way out of this. She needs help.
They are sly and can still preform a pretty good "duck and cover" if you dont know the person so it helps the PCP when you keep a journal on them.
I actually have a spy cam hooked up in my MIL's bedroom to monitor behaviors, when they feel they are not being closely monitored they tend to let loose. My MIL actually screams for no reason or holds conversations with no one, talks to pictures, now if I walk in there she'll tell me "Oh it was just me talking to the tv" but I know through viewing the situation via the monitor the tv wasnt on...Duck and cover
Things to look for: Sundowning (gets more animated/agitated during evening hours) behaviors not the norm like asking questions over and over, pacing, obsessing (could be anything from picking/pulling at things, organizing and re organizing, looking at the clock every minute, asking the day/date time repetitively, opening and closing of drawers/closet door, not remembering things from 5 minutes to an hour ago, changing clothes. Depression, talking to no one in particular while alone, hoarding behaviors, or in your case no attention to personal hygiene at all.

I hope this helps a little sweetie, again welcome in your in safe hands now and we all understand. If at anytime you feel stuck just holler there is always someone here to speak to

We have had these talks with her..and my Husband gives in when she promises to do better..Honestly My fear is getting in trouble for ederly abuse..she is only 60 years old..but pretty much refuses to move..we bought her a scooter hoping she could try and get food from the refrig..we have ramps outside so she can get out and ride...she refuses...medication is costing as an arm and a leg..she is to young for medicare..and social security keeps denying her because she is not doing as the dr. advices there for she is keeping herself disabled..grant it her lungs are toast..she is on Oxygen constantly..she sucks on the albuteral inhaulers like they are candy.I have explained that they are not doing her any good because she can't breath it into her lungs. I have suggested to my husband she go into an assisted living arrangment somewhere..but without insurance I am not sure how the cost would be handled..her one daughter things I am making all of this up..and of course I am the BITCH for not wanting this to continue in my home...That sister wants her to come because she feels her mother should not live in a home where she is not "wanted". I said thats not fair whats not wanted is her BEHAVIOR! My husband has decided that he wants to get a price on someone coming in every morning to bath her and change her clothes..and maybe get her ass out of bed and moving around a bit. I tried to explain the more she doesn't use her muscles the less they will work for her...she says she has old car injuries that prevent her from moving <eyeroll> I am frankly getting so cold and insensitive to her excuses..I just want her out of my home..I told my husband I was going to call social services to come out and talk to her..he won't allow that...<sigh> he feels an obligation to her that is beyond what I think it should be..he is jepordizing our family and relationship by allowing her to run our house...Thanks for listening Liza!