Hi everyone! I'm new to this board and hope there might be some support and advice for me here! I live 1/2 mile from my 83 yr old mom, Dad died 4 yrs ago and even before he died I have been Mom's main support for transportation, household help and general advice. I take her for groceries every week, get her to doc appts. legal appts. club meetings, etc. as well as do some housework (limited because she's a hoarder) and my husband and I have kept her huge lawn mowed and trimmed, take her out to eat or have her over for dinner frequently, and in general are there for her whatever she needs, even if it means rescheduling my own plans to fit hers. 3 yrs ago my older bro moved in w/Mom to complete some schooling. He said he had a job (false), he said he'd take over lawn care (false), said he'd help w/transportation needs (very very little) and would pay rent (false). Said he only would be there 2 years. It's been 3 yrs now, still no job, class is over, and Mom is giving HIM money for gas, bills, etc. He devotes his time to volunteer activities at the college so is seldom home, and has a pet parrot that has bitten Mom several times. Myself and 2 other siblings have been on her case for over a year to make him get a job or get out, but she won't do anything, and refuses to let us talk to him about it because "it would be too much stress" for her! We are all sure he's only here hoping she'll die so he can inherit some money and maybe the house as well. He doesn't do any housework, yard work, won't eat her cooking, and won't even tell her what he does from day to day. Bottom line is, yesterday I decided I can't take it any more. I am going to cut myself off from her and if she needs something, she'll have to make my bro do it instead of always me. I am executrix for the estate when she's gone and I'm sick thinking about the effort of cleaning out not only years of her hoarding, but dealing with the issue of kicking out my brother and all his junk (not my most descriptive word, but don't want to get censored). My sister, other brother, and husband support my decision...but I still wonder, will it do any good?

This could become a good scientific case study for the origins of insanity! Although I'm not quite sure who is insane...but I have my suspicions. Yesterday I talked to sis who had called to check on Mom. It seems that Mom's perspective is that a)my hubby' sole concern was her poor housekeeping b) my sis' sole concern is the money being spent c)everyone is attacking HER (I KNOW my sis and hubby were more tactful than that). Poor Daphne's just tired according to MOM. So I called her myself to "check on her". Now she's decided that I'm just stressed over issues we're having with the in-laws (FIL has alzheimer's). In other words, she is completely blocking the issue and finding anything possible to avoid the real issue, being bro's presence/lack of assistance.
So now I'm back to re-evaluating my own approach and have decided to try a "step back but don't run" method. I.e. if I'm going to town myself, I'll take her if she needs something, but I'm not making special trips for her. I'm not offering to help with household items and will evade any requests on that front as well. She made her "I need to work on clearing out some stuff for the yard sale...next spring...if I'm still around" remark which she frequently uses to placate me, or so she thinks. I fell for that a couple of times before, but no more. At least with Alzheimer's you KNOW the person's ability to reason is compromised.
By the way, I didn't mention this before, and Janie, I believe, suggested we have a family meeting and round-room discussion with mom. We did do that 6 weeks ago with the 3 "normal" kids and our spouses. Each of us told her how we personally felt about the situation and our concerns and listened to her as she both defended bro and admitted her feelings of helplessness. At that time she agreed to speak with bro and that if nothing happened, she gave my sis and me permission to step in and if that failed, the "men" of the family would take over. She has now changed her mind and won't let anyone say anything. She told my sis she felt lonely and liked having bro there. She's told me she enjoys being alone. Just whatever works with whoever she's talking to so she doesn't have to make any changes in her life. Well, I'm off to try this new day and new approach. Wish me luck and thank you all for helping me hold my brain together!
Daphne

My brother is here now, helping care for my dad for two weeks. It took about a minute for bro to come to his senses and realize how hard it is. Here's to hoping YOUR brother wakes up and smells the coffee. If mom needs food/care/clean clothes and you're not there to provide them, we can only hope that bro will step up to the task.

I should mention it was my BROTHER who helped out. When my sister is left to care for dad, she doesn't. So there's always the chance the plan will backfire and your mom will get NO care, but let's just keep our fingers crossed. Keep us posted and keep up your resolve!

daffy:

quote:

for the record, we are NOT *against* you, we are *FOR* you

I could not have said it better myself.

Janie has a point. If your brother is 56 and counting on your mom for retirement monies, then he does need to go. But...DO NOT GO IT ALONE!!! Do what Jaine says and enlist the help of those around you that support your decision. I would not take it out on mom in this instance. As Janie had said, your mom is taking the protective stance. She has been manipulated. For her well being, I would do what you are thinking and get him out of the house.

I am sorry that I misread your post, and for that I offer my apologies. It is easy to interpert what one says incorrectly, and I should not have judged so quickly, so for that I apologize.

And for the record, Your mom going on a cruise sounds like a great idea. She has indeed earned it. (Mabye you and her ) lol

Whatever the outcome, keep us informed. We are here to help, not hurt. And please, YELL your frustrations in here.

Daphne, honey, take a deep breath and relax. It's going to be ok. I very much hear the desperation in your voice. And, for the record, we are NOT *against* you, we are *FOR* you.

I just hate to see you cut yourself off from your Mother, as it is very obvious you have been there for her so many times. Have you shared this (cutting off) with your mother yet? If you have, then the toothpaste tube has already been "squoze." If NOT, then there has to be some other option ... some PLAN B.

You say there are six of you who agree (I'm including your husband.) And, everyone agrees that this brother is a leech. And, he is manipulative and has a wonderful (NOT) talent at making your mother feel guilty. Right so far?

Have all the rest of you (except him, of course) talked about sitting Mom down and going around the room, telling how they EACH feel about what's going on? It should not lay solely on your shoulders!!!!!! That is absolutely not fair to you!!

There's just "something" about a black sheep in the family that sends mothers into attack mode; into an "I can't help it mode"; protection mode. Could be that your brother has been working on her, mentally, a lot more than any of you recognize. Could also be that that's why she's gone on this little getaway!!! Maybe she's feeling backed into the corner; doesn't know what to do or even how to do it; still feels protective of him because he is so dang pitiful and, could even feel embarrassed in front of the rest of her children because she is not setting her foot down.

You sound like a wonderfully supportive daughter. Don't turn your back on your mom. And, do not --- REPEAT --- do not feel all this is up to you!!! You enlist the help of the rest of the family and y'all have a pow-wow while mom's away. Make a plan. Then, jointly, carry it out.

And, if it doesn't work ...... at least you can say you tried.

I must have sounded like I am more concerned about my responsibilities after she's gone than I am about my mom now...didn't mean to! Mom and I have had a great relationship up until recently. She has confided things to me that no one else knew about her, and I have leaned on her for moral support through my own crises. I am the only one she has trusted enough to help her sort through her important papers, I was at her side all the time we settled Dad's funeral and estate issues, as well as when my Grandmother died a few years earlier. For the last 3 years while my bro has lived with her, I've patiently listened to her complaints that he doesn't talk to her, doesn't help her, that she wishes he would try harder to find a job, etc., etc. I fully expect her to live quite a few more years and want her to be able to enjoy those years doing what she wants, but I also am seeing that she's trapped herself in an agonizing situation. I feel like by cutting her off is the only way I can get the message through to her as talking to her has had no effect. It breaks my heart that my bro who is 56 yrs old can treat his mother this way and that I am expected to stand by and let it happen. Her estate is going to be divided between 6 siblings. I will be responsible to deal with 2 other siblings who have major psychiatric problems, now it appears that may be 3! My bro even once told me he "is counting on the inheritance from Mom to get him through retirement"! She is far from rich, but has been frugal through life to save a comfortable amount for each of us when she's gone, as well as be secure with her own future needs. As for myself, I've told her that if she wants to, she should just cash everything in and go on that world cruise she's always dreamed about...she deserves it and the money would be better spent than dumped on ungrateful children. I've told her that she is not responsible for my bro, or any of her other children...she did the best she could as a mother and it's not her fault that my bro is incapable of supporting himself, but she has taken personal blame, thanks to his accusations which I've heard him say to her ("you never supported my dreams"...yes, he said that to her!). I'd happily trade twice as much hoarding mess to deal with, if my bro would just leave! Thanks for listening, thanks for all your replies! It feels so much better just having a place to vent!

quote:

I am executrix for the estate when she's gone and I'm sick thinking about the effort of cleaning out not only years of her hoarding, but dealing with the issue of kicking out my brother and all his junk

But your mom is still very much alive........

Daffyd:

Unfortunately for you Janie is right, and your mom seems to still have her independance to a degree.

There is not much that you can do if it is your mom's house. She is entitled to have a person live there, and you are right, if the claim of abuse is unsubstantiated then it will do you no good.

Also, if the agreement to let your brother stay there was oral, there is no legal reprecussion to it without your mom's approval. Confronting the brother is going to start a fight that you may not be prepared to deal with, because with him living there, he has more influence over your mom than you may think.

It is unfortunate that ppl wish to take advantage of the weak, but this is what it sounds like to me. Unless you can prove that he is extorting money from your mother, then, unfortunately, she is free to give him anything that she wants to.

Also, this sounds like greed is showing its ugly head in there somewhere.

Finally, don't think about what is going to happen 'when she passes' Think about the now, and the time that you have left with her. It seems to me that you are stressing yourself over concerns of being the executor of the estate, when the time to exersise this may be years in the future. Again, try and enjoy the now.

As everyone else has said, if you do feel that he or his pet is abusing your mother, then contact an elder care attorney and whatever department of aging that is in your community. And, if someone allows their pet(s) to hurt another individual either through ignorance or intentional motives, it is considered abuse, and the pet should be removed.\

I am sorry if any of this sounds hard, but sometimes the truth does hurt, as Janie has said.

DAPHNE, you do realize you are at the corner of "Love and Tough Love", right?

If you are telling these things to your mom - and then don't follow through - any future "notices or threats" will be heard with 'SHE'S CRYING WOLF AGAIN' attitudes.

If you truly mean this (in a total effort to help HER) - you are gonna have to say "NO" ... and you're gonna have to MEAN it. And, I imagine this just might move into tearing you apart emotionally. Just be ready for it.

This brother sounds like a leach and when Mom's out of town, it would be a good time to confront him with it.

He is taking total advantage right now. You and the others are doing all the work and he's acting like a sponge. Well, I say ... if you're a sponge, then you are well equipped to do some of the work!!

Let us know how it goes .....

Ok, yesterday hubby stepped up to the plate and told Mom that I would no longer be available to her for assistance and she'd just have to get bro to do what she needs. She seemed to understand, but I expect to get a call in a couple of days to "see if I'm feeling better", which I won't be! We are hoping that in a couple of weeks bro will find his cushy lifestyle isn't quite so cushy anymore and will get moving. If not, Mom is suppose to go away for a week to her class reunion in October and we are thinking that would be a good time for the rest of us siblings to go in force and nail bro to the proverbial wall. In the meantime, I think I will contact her lawyer (and long-time family friend) whose son is an Elder Law attorney and see if we have any other options. I'm afraid an abuse claim without substantial evidence and Mom's support would just be ignored and would cause real stress for Mom who does have angina, high blood pressure and severe undiagnosed depression (she refuses to consider depression a possibility and won't talk to a doctor about it, though her hoarding, inability to make decisions, and lack of energy are blatant clues). I sure appreciate everyone's advice and will keep posting as this situation progresses.
Daphne

You need to talk to an elder law atty, a small town family lawyer isn't good enough.
Too tired tonight
Sandi

Talk to someone at the elder abuse dept.See if they can help you.Or give you ideas.Might not hurt to talk to your lawyer maybe he has ideas too.I would tell that Bro,in no uncertain terms whether Mom liked it or not.