Hello all.

I am new to this forum and in advance, I thank all who take the time to read this post.

I am in an unusual and complicated situation and frankly, I'm not sure how to resolve it.

A brief background:

For the past decade, I have been the sole caregiver to my grandparents, now aged 88 and 91. My father, an only child, passed away a decade ago and I inherited the care of his parents. My grandparents live alone in a two-family home. My grandfather is legally blind and my grandmother has severe osteoarthritis. My grandmother never leaves the house (walking is difficult, even with assistance) and my grandfather only leaves the house with my assistance. My grandfather is slightly more ambulatory than my grandmother, but his mobility is rapidly diminishing. Mentally, I would characterize both of my grandparents as healthy. However both are extremely obstinate and argumentative by nature, and their capacity to use logic and 'see the big picture' in many situations has diminished significantly.

On a day to day basis, my grandmother is still able to cook (grandfather is not) and both are able to take care of basic matters of personal hygiene. Neither of my grandparents are able to drive, so I perform all of the tasks outside of the home (shopping, banking, coordinating medical care, etc.) Additionally, I maintain their home. I have power of attorney over my grandparents' assets and joint account access to bank accounts, etc. My grandparents have abundant financial resources.

I have a younger sibling who is raising her own family but is not very close with my grandparents. My mother, who is friendly with her in-laws, is not actively involved in their lives. Basically, my grandparents do not trust anyone other than I to handle their affairs and realistically, I am the only family member available to provide care to them.

The problem:

I am 31 years old and a full-time student, pursuing a degree in medicine. I'm in the process of applying to medical schools but because of my situation with my grandparents, enrolling in medical school is almost impossible. The amount of time and energy that I devote to my grandparents would interfere with my ability to complete my medical school. As I'm sure many of you know, one must have a full commitment to medical school which requires a 7-day a week (between classes, studying and clinical work) commitment. In addition to the time commitment to my grandparents (often 1-2 days per week), the emotional cost of dealing with two difficult, ailing grandparents would make it impossible to focus on my studies. In addition, being geographically confined to the NY City area (where my grandparents live) greatly limits my academic opportunities (the schools to which I'd like to apply are out of state). My sister (who's raising young children is unable to help and my grandparents don't trust my mother, so the burden of all of this is on me. My grandparents don't have any other living relatives in their lives.

Before I can apply to schools, I need to give admission committees the assurance that I have been relieved of the responsibility of caring for my grandparents. Although both of my grandparents feel that they don't want to do anything to prevent me from living my life, they are in no way receptive to changing the status quo. They often tell me that they want to live in their house until they both die. The house is a source of constant problems (grandparents obsess over maintenance issues) in addition to a dangerous place for the elderly (grandfather falls occasionally). In the best case scenario, I would find a way to move them to some sort of assisted living facility where their day to day care is managed by others. I could still control the financial / legal affairs, but I would have the freedom to pursue my medical education full-time (which would include possibly moving far away).

The problem is that I have no idea how to resolve my situation. My grandparents are very stubborn and not amenable to any sort of change, yet I need to live my life. I have no idea where to start. I would be willing to pay for a social worker / therapist / specialist to help me manage this situation, but I have no idea where to start.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

-Paul

All Pau, my prayers go out to you .He is resting in peace.You did your best and except nothing less .

Pau, knowing that your 92 year old grandfather was so unhappy indicates to me that he had a very active and productive youth.
I hope that brings you some comfort, as will the thought that he most likely passed away just as he wanted to - on his own terms, in his own house. Losing someone so close is never easy, but the older they are, sometimes it's easier to accept. Even if you do start to think they're so old they're going to live forever!
I send you hugs, and wish you much success in finding your Grandmother the perfect residence.

all pau, i'm sorry for your loss yet happy you are able to follw your dream, it is amazing to hear from you this morning as just yesterday i thought of you and wondered how our free bird was doing! i hope you find a nice place for your grandmother soon and can tie up the loose ends in a tmely manner. i hope their home is in a part of the country that sells quicky, if i remember you are in new york city, is that correct? that should be no problem then. is wish you well and understand that you will miss your grandfather but i'm sure it will be liberating in your studies to be free of the emotional responsiblity to pursue your life. good luck and god bless. this break in your schooling is just tempory but still difficult for you. take care and our best wishes. gail

All Pau, I know you'll miss your grandfather, and even when you can see this as nature running its course, it must hurt.

You have my sincere condolences for your loss.

You also have my admiration for honoring the terms by which he wanted to live his life. I hope things will go smoothly with this transition. Sometimes beds are not available right away. Best wishes my dear.

Greetings everyone, hope this message finds you well. I have an interesting update to my situation. Since the last time I posted, I continued to have difficult conversations with my grandparents and my mother. Long story short, my mother finally realized that I deserved a break after a decade of service to my grandparents. I moved out to California in mid-August and delegated some of my responsibilities to my mother. I hired a handyman to maintain my grandparent's home and I've been able to control all of their business/finances remotely. Everything was going well until last Friday when I received the call that my grandfather fell while climbing a difficult set of stairs in his home. Given my grandfather's age (almost 92), the head trauma was substantial enough to result in his death. I was not surprised by this news because I envisioned this exact scenario. In a past post I referred to "nature running its course." It's only a matter of time before someone who is blind and barely ambulatory will have a critical fall. My grandparents refused to move to more manageable home, accept in-home care or allow me to place them in an assisted living facility. I warned them as well as my family that this very thing would happen and sure enough, it did. I love my grandparents more than anything but a big part of me is actually relieved that my grandfather is out of his misery. Now with grandfather deceased, I have the ability to place my grandmother in a facility that will provide for her complete care AND make her more accessible to the rest of my family. While I'm sad to lose my 'second' father, I'm happy that I'll finally be relieved of the awesome responsibility that's been part of my life for the last decade. More importantly, I'm happy that grandmother will finally be able to live her last years comfortably.

The bad news is that I had to take a leave of absence from school in California, which I suppose is justifiable given this situation and my role in my grandparents' life. The agenda for the next few weeks is complicated and will include finding an assisted living facility for grandma and selling my grandparents' home. I estimate that it will probably take at least a month, maybe two to finalize everything. Does anyone have any experience in a similar situation?

Anyway, just wanted to update everyone. I'm sad to see my grandfather go, but at his age and with his ailments, I know that he wasn't happy. I'm also thrilled to be that much closer to my freedom to finally live my life without being anyone's primary caregiver. I've never had a chance to be the irresponsible 20-something year old kid and while I have no regrets in life, I look forward to being able to finally live my life free of that awesome burden.

Rosies Grandaughter welcome in So glad you found us

Rosie's Grandaughter, Welcome in. May I please transer your post to the New CGs page. I feel you should start a place of your own. But this post will still be here.

I hope you will find as much support here as I have.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

I too find myself the only caregiver for my grandmother. I was doing my best to do it long distance (two hours away) and in Feb after another fall I moved her closer to me. My mother, brother, sister and son all lived in the same town and were not taking care of her. So now it is me and my husband.

Saturday I tried one more and final time to get some help from them. I asked them all to just call her occassionaly. She is lonely. I work full time, have a home and spouse. I talk to her every day for at least an hour. I visit 4 to 5 times a week. I take care of all of her finances, doctors, meds, cleaning, laundry and now I have had to make the decision to start her on meds for her dementia which is getting worse....so far she can still live in her apartment with my help. I don't feel like I can get more than an hour or two away from home so vacations are out. Of course, guilt for my husband (we can't go away) guilt when I am not there with her, and guilt that I am not doing my best at work (although my bosses are GREAT!)

I also have a brother that lives 9 hours away...I called him as well. I just would like for them to call her and visit. Same excuse...they are so busy. Well I kind of unloaded and explained what busy is!!!!

Thanks all for your time....I am new and needed to vent!

Only the best of luck to you, Paul. Try to check as much baggage as you can at the airport and "fly". Please add us to your homework list, please keep in touch. Don't make us drive out there to check in on you. (unless you find a place on the beach) You ARE doing the right thing for all concerned. Study hard.

Please, Baby listen to all here. I tend to be in a fatalistic state of mind right now and probably shouldn't be talking to you about this, but I hope you will keep this in mind.

Your future is a gift both to and from your grandparents. Who knows, hopefully it will be a gift to many more. I am so glad you are going to follow your dream.

You have done everything you are able to do to arrange for their care. I hope your Mother see's the value in your becoming a DR. She is a long way from the first to chip in for MIL and FIL. She is doing it for you as well as them, I hope. I know I am out of line here to suggest, that as a DIL to them, It is not unreasonable that she lend a hand, but as your Mom, to see her child live up to his potential and to chip in to releave these responsibilities, well I hope she sees the good of it.

There may be a time when your grandparents situation gets rough, I hope not but it might happen while you really can't get away from your studies. This can't be helped and is bound to happen sooner or later. Hopefully ,after you have finished what you have started .

Please know, that if this happens while you are in school, that from how it sounds, you couldn't have possibly done a better job,or made more effort to see that their needs are met.

Things do change while we are getting on with our lives and this is a fact, not a fault.

Best wishes with your endeavors, Smoothe sailing , Sweetie. Stay in touch

all pau: i am so thrilled for you. you have done everything andit is time to start your own life. you will do well and so will your grandparents. things will have to be worked out if problems arise. in the mean time you can love them and respect but claim your life and leave your guilt at the door as you leave. you will do great! god bless you. start enjoying your life. i'm praying for you. keeep us posted not only on your achievements but if course howthey are doing. stubborn but they will make it!so long our little bird! gail

Greetings all and welcome, Taiko, to the discussion.

Today is the ten year anniversary of my father's passing and an appropriate time to provide an update to all of you.

After consultation with social workers, friends and relatives, I have made a decision to move away from New York. On Monday, I will be out in San Diego looking at apartments. I have made arrangements to study at UCSD. At 32 years old, my life is quickly moving by and I may never have a better opportunity to pursue my dream.

After several conversations with my grandparents, they refuse to make ANY changes to the way things currently are, even if those changes will lead to an optimal situation for all of us. I have done everything in my power to provide for their welfare, yet they refuse to accept my recommendations. They refuse to move into a retirement community. They refuse to accept an aide or even consider homecare. They aren't amenable to anything other than "dying in this house that they have been in for 50 years."

I have tried everything in my power to make them better off. However as others have pointed out, I will always be just the grandson. My grandparents will never accept my help and their refusal to allow me to help them is a tremendous source of frustration for me. Every time I see them, I become increasingly frustrated and hurt. At this point, my only option is to free myself from the situation. I have made arrangements with my mother to deliver groceries to my grandparents on a weekly basis. As for all of the other things that I do for my grandparents, well, those things will have to sort themselves out. I hate to say it, but I need to show my grandparents that they are highly dependent upon me and (despite their thinking) incapable of living independently. My hope is that after I've been gone for a while, nature will run its course and some changes will occur.

The only dilemma is that I feel tremendously guilty about abandoning two people for whom I have so much love and respect. However, my guilt is mitigated by the immense frustration and hopelessness that I feel. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for my grandparents, but I do know that I'm doing the right thing for me. California is a 6.5 hour plane ride from NY, so I could always come home in an emergency. And at the worst case, if I don't like CA, I could always move back to NY. But the point is that I will have done it, rather than regret not having done it.....

quote:

anxious freak-outs over trivia, or events which are not worth it

Taiko, welcome. What I hear all through your story is that you have been watching out for your grandmother since she were much younger and more able - possibly since she was watching out for YOU! A pattern of relationship was laid down. Now, her mental abilities are declining, it is affecting her behavior and personality, yet everyone is still relating in the same manner - ie. she chief, you indian...
It won't work!

Since you have always been around to care for her, others are delighted to allow you to do so. So long as you continue, everyone will let you; after all, they do not have to feel your stresses nor see their lives full of roadblocks!

This is one of the BIGGEST hazards of children being raised by a grandparent - when it's time for them to fly from the nest, the grandparent has become old and needs care, so the little chickies stay, never realizing that to succeed in life, they MUST fly away and let others care for their grandparents until such time as they can return or oversee the assistance.

Please remember that what you are seeing is a deterioration of ability because of brain injury. Their decisions and behaviors are not sound because the part of their brains that controls reasoning is slowly being destroyed.

Your grandmother is not purposely trying to destroy your life or be a thorn in your side - she is attempting in a frenetic way to do what she has always done and it just doesn't work anymore. Her decisionmaking abilities are disintegrating and she should not be in the position to be making decisions for herself.

You need not to be discussing this with gramma - she's out to lunch, dear. THe old habit of her making decisions needs to br forgotten by you. It's pretty obvious that her mental condition needs diagnosis, medication and for someone else to take the bull by the horns. She is no longer competant to make decisions. You need to be talking to your parents, aunts, uncles and telling them that you need someone to assist you. Simply waiting for a family member to volunteer is not going to produce change. You cannot be a 24/7 caregiver, a student and a mother with NO outside support. So your choice MUST be to care for yourself and your child - the two of you MUST go on. If the family does not rally to assist you, then you will have to hire people to assist and override your grandmother's objectsion. You will not be asking her permission, you will be making decisions for her care on her behalf.

Please talk to her doctor and tell him/her about her symptoms and request an in-patient geriatric psych evaluation. This is VERY important to have her diagnosed and a treatment plan started. It is also important to demonstrate to other family members that gramma is truly suffering from a disease process and not just being eccentric!

Don't waste time, Taiko! Get to her doc and get the ball rolling. This kind of intervention takes a lot of maturity and understanding - if you need help, enlist the aid of another relative.
Good luck, dear! Let us know how things are going!

Hello All,

I'm new to this forum, and have joined specifically so I could thank everyone who's posted to this thread!

All Pau, my caregiving situation is nearly identical to yours in many respects, and I can't tell you how helpful it's been not only to know that I'm not the only one suffering this scenario by myself; but that the general feeling of other board members seems to be that this is all largely unnecessary and unreasonable (if also somewhat common)...

Although my grandparent is in her early 90s, I am also trying to retrain in healthcare (an Allied Health profession.) My grandparent and I cannot rely on assistance from any other family members--it is rather sporadic, as most of them are either retired, themselves, or simply not available. I also am the single parent of a child under 10.

While my grandparent has stoically and feistily insisted on staying independent in most things, after a recent (inevitable) fall, her health has significantly deteriorated, and she has become emotionally and socially over-reliant on me to a dysfunctional extent.

Not only have I burned out emotionally from the daily complaints, dumping of negative emotions, and co-dependent expectations; but last quarter I flunked one of my classes because she demanded support of all kinds during final exams week.

While attending college full time last quarter, I also realized that there is no way I can undertake professional preparation while simultaneously being expected to drop everything several times a week during business hours to be her escort; plus take care of my own needs and those of my son (which are very different from those of a somewhat ambulatory, nearly deaf elderly person.)

Because her hearing and mobility are marginal, she has nearly given up socializing with anyone but family; and therefore seems to think that it is my duty to make sure her emotional and social needs are met every day The practical needs have largely devolved into an excuse for negative attention-seeking--demanding help for trivial or unecessary things, yet refusing it where it would solve the biggest problems.

By that, I mean that she has reactive, anxious freak-outs over trivia, or events which are not worth it (for example, her car wouldn't start--so she dumped the problem onto me. I told her this was because she left the lights on, and thus needed to call AAA. After the truck arrived, the operator told her she needed a new battery, and she then came to me to have a borderline nervous breakdown over that bit of news.) Things of this nature happen nearly every day: There always seems to be some bit of trivia worth having a panic attack over. I have had to detach to the point that I literally shut my eyes, say nothing, and/or walk away.

Concurrently, she also refuses to change long-standing detrimental habits, and will do, say, or react to almost anything in order to create a diversion from unpleasant consequences that are still in her power to ameloriate. Until recently she has almost always been able to manage her physical needs independently. However, for example, during the last year or so, she has almost given up showering or bathing completely--claiming that the doctor told her her skin would only handle sponge baths. (This winter, she also claimed that the city told her to turn off the heat to save electricity.)

Presently, it appears that the inevitable cascade of declining events may be at hand. Her hearing got so bad that I had to write down a message to tell her that a relative was taken urgently to the hospital--only then did she fit to get a new set of hearing aids (her own security apparently not being enough reason to invest in them--nor would she allow anybody else to buy them for her.)

After a few weeks of wearing just *one* of the hearing aids, though, she has decided that she still wants to drag me to her doctor's appointments because she can't understand everything they tell her. (And I'm still having to shout in the house, while my blood pressure rises.)

I told her I had contacted one of the local senior support groups (there are a few of them nearby, but like many people, she insists that only select family members are good enough to do for her,) and told her that they had escort and transport services. Her reply was that she knew all about these resources, her insurance would pay for them, and I was not to worry myself.

However, in practice, she continues to expect me to drop everything several times a week to go appointments, drive to the supermarket and shopping malls, and have long, companionable lunches during business hours. The expectation seems to be that my role is to be a Lady's Home Companion/Chauffeur/Psychological Therapist until further notice, with the needs of myself and my son coming last.

Even if I were inclined to settle for nothing but this for the rest of her life; it is simply not good enough for her to be competing with my son for attention. As All Pau said, the behavior deteriorates to that of a 13 year old (I can't believe somebody else besides me has had that same exact thought, LOL!)

We seem to be in a sort of limbo where her boundaries are concerned--although I battle to enforce my own every day. I understand that she is struggling with anger, frustration, etc. at losing her independence, but it is not appropriate for her to either vent this on me, or to manipulate me to try to maintain dominance and control.

Like many of us, my grandparent was raised not to be disloyal to family, and of course she is dead set against accepting help from anyone but immediate family. The problem is that all but 2 of those live out of state; but she doesn't seem to understand that I and the one other relative who live here are not capable of dealing with her daily increasing emotional and physical needs by ourselves.

I have told the other relative that I'm not only emotionally burnt out, but also that her health crises have caused me to flunk a course last quarter. I've told this relative that I would like to get professional help in to walk alongside my grandparent through all of this, but of course she has to accept the help.

As it is, I, myself have had to seek counselling for the stress of having had to juggle all of this. Anway, your posts have gone a long way toward lessening my feelings of isolation, guilt, and entrapment, so I thank everyone for contributing so honestly and kindly.


Taiko

All Pau. When you come back in, I urge you to reread the postings here. I emphasize this qoute. from Mom's Buddy.

quote:

I understand family obligation but you are too young to be sacrificing your FUTURE because of an unfair promise to care for your grandparents. Caring for people does not mean having to do every solitary thing PERSONALLY. Somehow, a loving, kind situation has twisted over time into a stranglehold

They are not as they were when your Dad last saw them, and some things are developing here that he couldn't have foreseen..

You sound like someone who will have a decent future regardless, but surely he didn't expect you to give up the sort of future that can really contribute to society if their needs can be met( and they can be)without your hands on everyminute presence. You can see to it that their needs are met without doing it yourself.

Sweetie, if you think you can be satisfied with what you are doing now, fine. But if you feel that you must follow this educational and career opportunity, don't let this promise mutate into a perverse trap.

Paul, Adult Protection Services is a last resort for folks who cannot take care of themselves and refuse help. A social worker will interview and assess their needs and make recommendations. If they refuse to accept the help assigned to them, the state can force the issue.

As you discovered, discussing options is not much use as they will refuse. Sometimes, it comes down to telling folks in a loving, but assertive manner that the way they want to do things will not fly. Since you have their DPOAs, you are entitled to discuss their situation with their doctor who, I feel sure, would order some kind of home health care or assistance for them in lieu of your caregiving. At the very least, the doctor should be able to provide some kind of written evaluation and recommendation for their care. Sometimes having things in black & white helps to convince people that times have changed. You are in a difficult position because you have been their caregiver for a long time and they have been calling the shots. They don't want to impede your life but they do not want to change. I wish their wishes could be granted, but change is one thing in life that is inevitable. Their refusal to accept their own needs and conditions is proof that their capacity to make sound judgments is impaired. If their finances will stand it, hire a caregiver to work with you the next few months. Whether they like it or not, where you go for them, he/she goes.

You mentioned having a social worker friend. Were they of any help to you? You did not mention in what capacity your friend works... You may find that discussing this situation with people who work in the area of geriatrics and geriatric care (including elder law issues) may give you more practical approaches and solutions.

Remember: your way of relating to your grandparents has been set since you were pretty young. Times have changed, but they still believe that you are taking orders from them when more of the reverse needs to be happening. You should consider telling them that you cannot leave unless someone locally oversees their care, period. If they want to ruin your life and quash your opportunities, being uncooperative is a splendid way to further that result. You need to have one more "no way" in your bag than they do! Good luck!

Greetings all, thought I'd provide an update on the situation.

Since I last posted, I've carefully considering all of my options and after much thought, sat down with my grandparents for a discussion.

I told my grandparents that we need to make some changes to 1. ensure that they are well cared for in the event of my early demise and 2. alleviate the caretaker burden so that I may pursue my academic objectives.

My grandparents both agree that they don't want to do anything to impede my progress or interfere with my life. I indicated quite clearly that I will soon likely move to California to pursue an academic opportunity and as a result, will not be around on a day to day basis to take care of them. I suggested that we investigate homecare options. I suggested that we sell the house and move to a retirement community. My grandparents weren't receptive to anything. They refuse to change the status quo. The conversation is a waste of time, a brick wall would have been more receptive.

Basically, my grandparents refuse to allow me to bring anyone (social worker, etc.) into the home and they refuse to allow me to effect the necessary changes to make our lives better. They reiterate that they will never leave the house that they've lived in for 40 years and they both insist that they will manage quite well without me.

I recently turned 32 and I feel like time is slipping away. Although I owe my grandparents so much, I need to pursue my dreams before they slip away.

I'm very tempted to move to CA at the end of the summer and let the chips fall as they may. Perhaps after I leave, my sister or mother will step up and assume some of my responsibilities. I'm not sure what to do, but I do know that I need to make some changes.

Just an interesting note:
PAU in the Hawaiian language (which probably means accent marks and spaces!) means DONE or FINISHED!!
I have a feeling you are neither done nor finished with your life's goals. And an even stronger feeling that you will accomplish more than you thought you could.
Another selling point - we know that Granddad & Grandmother want to stay in that house. They do want to be together until one of them dies, and it's wonderful when two souls can do that.
But present this: What if one of them gets really really sick? The other cannot provide the same level of care that they could if they were even 10 years younger. It would be nice for all of you to be comfortable knowing that help is very close at hand. Of course you could get there if anything needed your hands on attention, but for the day to day needs, I bet even they would feel better.
All Pau, I applaud you - 2 grandparents and a lifetime goal! Reach for the brass ring and grab it with both hands. Yes, it's a tough decision to make, but if you put it off, you'll all of a sudden find yourself with no one that needs caregiving, and nothing to do. Better to make a rough map for your journey, instead of realizing you are lost, don't have a clue where to start again, and then you'll start thinking you're too old to undertake something so big, and THAT leads to another pep talk about how you're never too old to learn something new, but then will you be able to apply that knowledge...............
and I could go on and on.
Welcome in, and meet us at Harry's - the coffee is ALWAYS free there - nobody has to pay.