How do you cope when your vows didn't exactly include "in my PARENT'S sickness or health, until death do us part".
Yikes. My husband who is usually so good is showing signs of wear.

Any insight into the feelings of all involved with caregiving enlightens everyone.
I think we have a gentlemen member who has expressed his feelings about his life and lonliness as a caregiver for his wife.
Humans deal with things in a way that is right for them.To suggest divorce sounds like sticking ones head where it does not belong.
I think sharing feelings is one thing but to suggest something that strong would push me away from a group.
In all the years I have been on this forum, all the problems that existed I have never heard someone suggest such.We did have a few members, long ago, whos husband gave her an altimatum.He wanted a divorce if she continued to care for her mother.One other but do not recall what choice they made.
You talk about being sandwiched in the middle like an oreo.

DOCHKA, I stand by my post. Spouses of a well spouse who is a caregiver have much in common with caregivers of ill spouses. I'm just telling you where you can get the opinions of the "other side" - caregivers of any ill person. It's always good to know other opinions. *I learned a lot about how well caregivers feel* from that forum I mentioned. P.S. Sorry if you do not agree. I won't mention it again; just giving out information.

This thread was not about spouses of ill LOs.

(There is a separate section for that in the forum.)

It is about husbands and wives who must now share their lives and cope with a spouse who is a caregiver to a parent, or family member.

There's a whole place for spouses of ill persons to vent:

wellspouse.com

Look for the forum there. Beware; if you are the ill spouse or caregiver of an ill spouse, they are very pro-divorce for the well spouse. I had someone there offer to find me housing if I would just leave my husband, who was my caregiver!

Mom's Buddy put this advice to one of our newbies but it helped me so much I want to Put it here for others:

Originally posted by Mom's Buddy:

"It's HARD to be the spouse of a caregiver. Sometimes our spouses who DO love us just don't know WHAT to do with us... they don't realize the need to simply LISTEN and maybe even hold us or bring home dinner unexpectedly every now and again. If EVER there was a time in life that little kindnesses REALLY matter, it's this one! Most of us have had the experience of someone doing some little unexpected nice thing for us and nearly bawling because we felt so grateful, starved and downright IN NEED... and embarrassed that we are wiping away tears just because someone was NICE to us!!

Forgiveness is a skill best learned quickly by caregivers...
Forgiveness of:

people who do not "talk the talk and walk the walk"

relatives with opinions but no assistance

loved ones and friends who "don't wanna hear it" when you need to talk

vanishing friends

People who tell you you are being foolish to "waste your life this way"

our loved one for all the annoying things that they know not that they do

ourselves, for not being "enough" often enough in nearly any given situation

I know there is more on the list, but other members'll help me out with what I have forgotten that we need to be able to forgive...

Caregiving has taught me to have a much thicker skin than I thought I could;

It's taught me patience I never thought I'd have (with nearly EVERYTHING);

I've learned indelibly WHO my friends are and who they are not;

I've learned to put blinders on and cotton in my ears and do what I think is best EVEN if I feel clueless or shaky;

I've learned that I CAN handle a LOT more stuff than I ever imagined that I could;

I've learned that pity parties are inevitable, so when they occur, get 'em over with ASAP - they are usually unproductive and can be very destructive to me and to my relationships;

I've learned to "see" my surroundings and events with a different eye toward safety, piecing together the method to the madness.

I use my energy more efficiently than I did before caregiving;

I've learned that I AM NOT ALONE!"



Reaching out to the right people can be such a godsend and reaching out to the wrong ones can cause me to tailspin. I try to walk on the LIGHT side of the street and stay away from the shadows...

I've learned that I CAN laugh and even have fun at the most awkward of times...

I've learned to treasure small gifts from anywhere.

And I am STILL learning and feeling my way down the path..."


THANKS MB YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!

DOCHKA, I was hoping your relationship was not truely at risk. I "hope" mine is not either. H is due home about 5:30, And I should be here until tomorrow noonish. Maybe the poor Lad can get some of the attention he really does deserve between now and then.

quote:

Originally posted by DOCHKA:
Torp, you are my hero. I can't even fathom adding children who need your love and attention to the equation. Never mind the extra meals and laundry that go with it!

Well I was looking more back than at my present life. My oldest children were teenagers when we began caregiving, and now my youngest is eighteen and the last one at home. We missed a lot of being able to support their school activities and sports, and after her older brother married and left home, the youngest had to beg a lot of rides from her friends' parents. It sucked, and I feel like we all sacrificed a lot, but we survived. I have great kids, and they've learned to be somewhat self-sufficient.

But at least they were old enough to be able to help with meal preparation, and the youngest had quite a lucrative home business charging her older siblings for doing their laundry for them. My oldest children (no longer living at home) still attend their baby sister's recitals, sporting events, and so forth esp. if I can't be there. These families with children young enough that none of them can drive and help their siblings really do have it rough.

And re the laundry: This one little old lady generates a LOT more laundry than any of my babies did. It's just amazing! LOL

Torp, you are my hero. I can't even fathom adding children who need your love and attention to the equation. Never mind the extra meals and laundry that go with it!

quote:

Originally posted by DOCHKA:

Thanks, it's good to know I'm not the only one!

Nope. You're hardly alone in it. LOL In fact, I suspect that we're in the majority. It helps me to remind myself look at his occasional grumpiness as flattering because he loves and misses my attention. And, honestly, he enjoys giving me attention ... I just have to remind myself to make time to let him do it. We're both more relaxed.

The way I look at it, it's sure better to have a husband who wants to spend more time with us than one who really could give a rat's backside about it.

But no matter how you shake it, caregiving is hard on marriages. (So is childrearing, for that matter. In many respects, the foundational issues are the same.)

Thanks for your support and sympathy all.
Things are really not that bad, I'm being kindof sarcastic saying "can this marriage be saved" If you can deal, I can too!



[QUOTE]Originally posted by T.O.R.P.:

Exactly what we've experienced, except that we were split three ways: each other, our children, and his mother. Guess who always won.

Even though it's his mother, my husband seemed most jealous of MY time. I think it's just how men are."[quote]



Thanks, it's good to know I'm not the only one!

quote:

Originally posted by DOCHKA:
Now he not only has to share me with mom, but she's getting most of the attention. I think he resents it more and more. It's been 5 years of this but she needs more attention now than she did back then.

Exactly what we've experienced, except that we were split three ways: each other, our children, and his mother. Guess who always won.

Even though it's his mother, my husband seemed most jealous of MY time. I think it's just how men are.

Maybe you guys need to schedule some regular couples time. We can't get away on our anniversary, but we always check into a hotel here in town and act like honeymooning tourists in our own hometown. Heck, after a really bad week, "running away" overnight to the motel six with a $9 bottle of Asti Spumonti can be really rejuvenating.

I'm sorry DOCHKA, if my H resents this, he hasn't really shown it. I know it does frustrate him at times. Mom is still in her own home, but I spend 2 24 hour shifts with her, plus if she needs to go anywhere I take her, and handle her shopping etc., Supervise her other CGs. At least I have a schedule of sorts. He is gone from 36 to 72 hours at a time, and really there is little rythm to it. Sometimes we miss each other for days at a time. But it has been like this off and on for most of the past 28 years. We try to support one another, but it does get lonely. I feel like we have missed a lot together lately. He probably feels the same. I think I am a little afraid to start the conversation about this with him. Neither of us are in a position to change anything at the moment.

Yes T.O.R.P. some days, more and more days, it sucks to be us. Come on tho, we aren't starting the new year with a pity party.

Resolution. A time out even if it is just an evening, just with H. We can figure that out without stressing out, we are capable mature women, and pretty darn smart and creative. We can do this.

It's my mom I care for. Of course she needs me more and more as time goes on.
Funny, noone counts on this coming into it.
We don't have kids. Now he not only has to share me with mom, but she's getting most of the attention. I think he resents it more and more. It's been 5 years of this but she needs more attention now than she did back then.

No advice, but lots of sympathy for you both. It sucks to be us.

It's my husband's mother that we care for. Believe me when I say that we both have been feeling wear. My kids have as well; it's just hard on the entire family.

Wow DOCHKA, I need to ask my H, but he is sleeping now. I'll probably be sleeping when he gets up. We can't really blame our stress and not seeing much of each other on my caring for my Mom, but I do wonder sometimes, like you, where all this may cross the line of our vows . It is a serious question. I hope your H can get some rest.