4 yrs. ago my widowed Mother was diagnosed with wet macular degeneration. Diagnosis, become legally blind in 2-5 yrs. (only posess peripheral vision) I have 4 siblings. All but 1 agreed she could live with them. Mom chose to live with me and my husband and two kids 14 & 17(at that time). She wanted to buy a house that was big enough for all of us so she told us to find a house or have one built. I am to get the house in exchange for caring for her until she needs to go to a nursing home or dies. We are responsible for all bills except the house payment. Taxes, utilities,food etc...4 years have passed and because my teenage daughter became pregnant she no longer wants to live with us and we have to figure out a solution to this because "she'd rather live alone than in this crazy house" My son is at college my daughter attends community college and lives at home. My husband is a self employed contractor and currently having a hard time finding steady work since March of 2009. We left a ranch house we were renting for 13 years on 2 acres with a pool for $750 month. Don't think we will ever find that cheap rent again. What is a fair solution since Mom no longer wants my help? She told all her friends that she was buying this house for me and I will "earn it every single day taking care of her" When she moved in she was legally blind but I found a retina specialist for her and she has been getting shots for her macular degeneration and her vision has shown improvement so much that she can read large print books. She doesn't drive so I take care of her appts., bill paying, tax returns, shopping etc...Ever since her vision has somewhat returned her attitude changed to one of being humble and grateful for our help to hanging the house and her money over our heads. I didn't go into this for the money just wanted to help her because she was so scared at the thought of slowly going blind. She has money from life insurance from my Dad dying 22 years ago. She is impossible to live with, judgemental and thinks that she holds all the cards because she has all the money. I feel if we part ways then she should settle some amount of money with me for the years I did whatever she needed as well as my family giving up our home and privacy as she lives on the main floor of the home we live in now. What do any of you out there think. I want to be fair to her and respect that at 71 she doesn't want to be around babies and young kids. Her health is excellent except her eyes. Doesn't take a single pill just has to go to her eye doctor once a month at this point to see if she needs another injection as well as eye drops she uses daily. Mom thinks she is the only one who gave up anything to live in this situation and lets everyone she knows how she hates being here, living with us and would rather be back in her retirement home in TN every chance she gets. My family and I feel we gave up a lot to take care of her and never asked for a house to be built, she offered. (Mom never felt our rental house was good enough for her to live in) Now that everything has fallen apart she says the house is hers. It was kept in her name so that the outrageous property taxes would be less because of the senior citizen discount.

Please offer input. I just want to be fair where everyone is concerned. She said she doesn't know what is going to happen but she is NOT living like this!

I, too, hope that everything works out equitably.

Unfortunately, if nothing is in writing, you will only have her sense of fairness to rely on.

Being the devil's advocate here, and looking at this from your mom's perspective, you HAVE received four years of rent-free living as a result of the arrangement. Yes, you paid utilities and food, etc, but would have been required to do that ON TOP of rental or mortgage payments had all of you not been under the same roof for the past years. So, depending on her mindset, she could very well justify that she owes you nothing at all.

My heart goes out to you in this very difficult situation.

Oh wow. You have a situation similar to mine, in that I moved to a house with my mother--we both had apartments and she offered this arrangement as she needed housekeeping and cooking assistance, and my children were young. I am a single mom and my only sibling lives 5 hours away with her husband.

It's now 15 years later, my children are sorta grown, and my mother and sister have made me feel as if I am a reject because I don't have a husband now (I had 2 and my children at home were a product of my 2nd marriage). Through the years, every time I asked my sister for respite, it was a big deal and only if convenient for her would I get it. When I talked to my sister about my mother's treatment of me, she once reminded me that my mother is paying the cost to be the boss. So, I stopped talking to her about it, and now that my mother is older my sister has actually come around to seeing how overbearing my mother can be. Unfortunately, my sister now has mild AD so she can't do respite.

Sure am glad you can go to FL and wish that you are able to recoup some of your sacrifice. It might turn out that you will get a lucky break somehow for all your trouble. I am a firm believer in karma and positive energy, and I will send out lots of love to you for doing your best for Mom. You can send some back if you like. I get down sometimes, but I'm gonna keep on keepin' on, and all of these great folks here have made it a whole lot easier. Your post showed me that I'm not the only one who made what they thought was a wise decision at the time that they have since regretted. If I had it to do all over again, I would have continued to live in my apartment. However, my mother has sacrificed also, and I can't say if she would have done as well in a home because I just don't know.

Hi,
You must be very hurt by some of the things that are being said. It sounds like you cared for your mom so well that she has improved to the point that she is ready to move out to a more independent setting.
WOW not many caretakers can say that.

Please know that transitions are hard and many times the unknown causes fear. It seems to me after we are talked out of fear as children we learn to express it in anger instead. I know that you might not feel like helping your mom right now a little part of you might even want to see her learn a lesson. Trust this though, one of the greatest joys you will ever have is the chance to experience is to help your mother succeed in her new found independence.
Something else to think about,
One day my dad was getting very upset with his mother because of her repeated request of me to count her money for her. I got up from grandma’s side stood next to my dad with my arm around him and asked. “I am your oldest daughter I am watching how you treat your mother am I to assume this is how you would like me to treat you?”
Remember your children learn not what we say but what we do. My dad gave grandma a kiss goodbye and said I love you ma he gave me a kiss and said I am proud of you. Got to love him!

Thanks for your suggestion. My Mother has now informed me that she is going to FL from Oct-May which she did last year and putting the house up for sale in the spring. My husband and I are going to talk to her about the money we have put into the house and ask her what her plans are after she sells the house. We have decided to move to south Fl in June when my son gets out of college for the year and my daughter will be finished with her first year of college. I hope she will be fair to us for what we gave to her with only good intentions.

Again, thanks for your advice. Parents are difficult to deal with and mine far more difficult than anyone's I've ever known.

It seems that your mother has treated this situation as a test, and found that it does not suit her. She apparently never put anything into writing, unfortunately, and has now changed her mind. Why don't you show her your research (house rental ads from the paper or websites) that indicate that a $750 rent is no longer feasible, and that by moving in with her you gave up a rent that helped your family significantly? Also mention that by living with you, she avoided a private caregiver or assisted living facility, and show to her the financial costs of these expensive alternatives. Perhaps she would be willing to pay your rent for six months until you get on your feet?

I hope this works out for you.