I was taking care of my mother who has Alzhimers and getting no help from my brother and sister, Thier answer for everythng was let just put ma into a assisted living facility.I know they meant well but to me that was not the only option.

My brother and sister are both married and have kids and I"m not and I am the baby of the family. I was more then willing to take care of ma but they refused. Needlless to say we end up in court and they won and I lost, and since May of 03 my mother has been in a assisted living and going down hill since.

Since she has been there she no longer recognizes my brother or sister, but she still recognizes me. Its as if she knows Michael is the only one that didn't give up on me..I don't know maybe its wishfull thinking..But I truly believe that she felt that she no longer had a reason to live..

Thanks for letting me vent..This post is not intended to be a slam on the assisted living places, it just seems the she my mother seems to have gotten worse since she has been there. It is a great place with great people but in my heart it just seems like the wrong place for her.

I don't know how many of you are country music fans but this is a great song. This is for all the babies of the family. I first heard this song the day after my sister had my mother put into the home and it brought me to tears...

The Baby

My brother said that I
was rotten to the core.
I was the youngest child,
so I got by with more.

I guess she was tired by
the time I came along.
She'd laugh until she cried,
I could do no wrong.
She would always save me,
because I was her baby.

I worked a factory in Ohio,
a shrimp boat in the Bayou,
I drove a truck in Birmingham.
Turned 21 in Cincinnati,
I called home to mom and daddy,
I said "Your boy is now a man."
She said "I don't care if you're 80,
you'll always be my baby."

She loved that photograph,
of our whole family.
She'd always point us out,
for all her friends to see.

That's Greg he's doing great,
he really loves his job.
And Ronnie with his 2 kids,
how 'bout that wife he's got.
And that one's kinda crazy,
but that one is my baby.

I got a call in Alabama,
said come on home to Louisianna
and come as fast as you can fly.
Cause your momma really needs you,
and says she's got to see you,
she might not make it through the night.
The whole way I drove 80
so she could see her baby.

She looked like she was sleepin'
and my family had been weepin'
by the time that I got to her side.
And I knew that she'd been taken,
and my heart it was breakin',
I never got to say goodbye.

I softly kissed that lady
and cried just like a baby.

sechang,

That my friend is a GREAT idea. I was her (I'm 35 now) youngest child, and ma always refered to her 5 year old dog as her baby. she has a picture of him in her room and when she was able to speak she would point at his picture and say "thats my baby". What a great idea to bring her a doll that she can take care of. I"m so glad I found this we site becasue I never would have thought of that.

Thanks Joan Marie for your support. God only gives you what he thinks you can handle. So we all do the best we can I guess. I miss my mother...

Michael in NH
Sounds like you are running into the same stone wall that I banged my head on in my father's NH. I even told them to notify me when he was near death (since I was alienated from the family living in the area). They didn't even do that for me. Word came from my sister, who called my eldest daughter. In the course of the conversation she flat-out said I was not welcome at father's funeral. Two of my daughters went in my place. I am comfortable with that decision and never had regrets. Whenever passing through Iowa, I stop at the cemetary and leave a few wildflowers, his favorite.

When you visit your mother, could you take her a baby doll? There are some very realistic baby dolls for around $20 or less in K-mart type stores. Wal-mart or Target might have some in the toy section. Women AD patients seem to regress into their child-caring past. Having a "baby" to care for again may give her a good diversion.

There is an excellent ALF here that has an area of the facility set up like a home, with complete baby-doll diaper-changing areas. One woman spends most of the day changing that doll's diapers. There is a fake laundry room where they fold towels for hours; and fake stoves with pots and pans and plastic dishes so they can "prepare meals".

quote:

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Originally posted by Michael in NH:...Your right about it being tragic but I guess my sister and brother only want what they think is right for ma...

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Welcome to our Forum family, Michael...

Please trust your own words here and let the time you have remaining with your mother be filled with giving her the loving attention she deserves. Our hearts go out to her and your family as you face what appears to be a frighteningly quick descent.

Godspeed to each of you...
Joan Marie

"Dream as though you will live forever. Love as though you will die tomorrow."

Sechang,

I really don't know what meds she on and I don't know who her doctor is because everytime I go there the only thing I can do is be with my mother. The rest of family will not let me even take her outside for fair that I will some how abuct her.

Every time I ask a question to the people that work there they ask my name and then say "Her legal guardian, yor sister will not let us give that information to you Michael." I even said to them what if my brother Edward shows up would you give him the information?. They told me "yes they would becasue he is not on the list of people that legal gaurdian has banned from any knowledge of her condition."

I know for a fact my brother has been there once since May to visit her. Its to the point were I am actually thinking of having a friend of mine say he is my brother just to get me some information.....

Your right about it being tragic but I guess my sister and brother only want what they think is right for ma...

quote:

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Believe me I"m not saying this to be cold heart or bitter but I just can't see my mother ever wanting to be in this predicerment...

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Really, we know exactly how your feel. And I would counsel you not to beat yourself up with guilt. There are some things in life over which we have no control. There were times when I also wished my beloved husband dead. His life had become a torment for him.

Do you have any way of knowing what medications she is currently receiving? Because of side effects, so many meds can help or worsen the symptoms of AD. That is why I asked if you were on talking terms with her doctor.

Also, have you inquired as to why Mother is moved around so much in the facility? AD patients do not do well when their environment is constantly changed. Again, if some of her favorite possessions could be given back to her, she might feel a little more in control of her very unfamiliar life now. With no mental stimulation, she will decline quite rapidly. It is tragic when relatives choose to be so horrible and unfeeling.

Sechang,

The place she is at seems good. They are good people and they seem to care about my mother but everytime I go there they move her from one section to another and it seems to effect her.

When she was first admitted she was with people that could talk and dance and had things in common with. As if it was a club social. Then the next time I went to see her she was moved to area where 75% of the people were staring at the walls. Then 2 weeks lster she was staring at the walls. Its as if every time they moved her to another section she was one or two steps ahead of the people she was moved in with, But after 2 weeks she became just like them.

Myu mother was always out going and very smart, but since she got placed in the assisted living home she has adapted and became a product of her enviorment.

The killer is she is only 63 and in my eyes it is way to early for this to be happening. Growing up and hearing about people with AD it was alwys 80 plus not 62..

My mothers favorite expression growing up was when ever we screwd up becasue we were noth using our heads was. Michael was in left field with a catchers mitt. Well now ma is in leftfield with a catchers mitt literally..

Its sad and depressing but I guess its a fact of live..

This is going to sound cruel but I"m hoping that the good Lord takes her quickly becasue she was always so full of life, and right now she isn't living she is just exsisting...The only good thing that I"ve heard about AD is the earlier it gets you the quicker it takes your life..

Believe me I"m not saying this to be cold heart or bitter but I just can't see my mother ever wanting to be in this predicerment...

One of the reason I have and am fighting so had with my brother and sister is I can remember 20 years ago my mother saying the only way I want to leave this house is vertical and in a body bag. But now I know that will never happend.

Michael in NH,
That is truly a sad story for your mother. That said, there are things you can do to make life more interesting for your mother. If you live nearby, that is terrific. The link below has some suggestions and some probably are not applicable to her situation.

http://www.ec-online.net/Knowledge/Articles/adjusting.html

When the house was sold, were you able to keep some of her favorite things ..like a chair, pictures, a quilt .. other things like that? Very often, assisted living allows their residents to bring some favorite things with them. If these things are in your possession, ask the person responsible for running the place if some of these things can be placed in her room.

Let's focus on the assisted living facility itself. Describe your mother's living conditions.

Does she need total assistance with self care, cooking, or eating?

Is she able, or want to visit with other residents of the facility? Is she left alone a lot?

Is she able or encouraged to walk about? What does she do with herself during most of the day? How is this different from when she lived with you?

Is the place clean? No bad smells?

How do the personnel interact with your mother...kindly and helpful? short-tempered? abusive in language or deed?

Who is the advocate for your mother if she is not being treated right?

Do you know her doctor? Are you able to discuss her medical care with him/her?

These are just a few questions to ask yourself, and you don't need to answer them for me. I have been through this with my father. My sister and mother had power of attorney over him and tricked him into being sent to a nursing home for the rest of his life (five long years). There was absolutely nothing I could do, except visit ... even that was very difficult because I lived 700 miles away, had a medical-related job that was 24/7 on call in a local hospital. Taking time off had to be scheduled months in advance. Each time I visited the NH, he was failing; we used to play checkers; the next visit, he didn't recognize a checker board; he used to look at pictures in the newspaper; then he forgot what a newspaper was and certainly couldn't read it. Two years after entering the NH, he was bedridden. He had multiple occasions of UTI, or pneumonia which could have given him blessed relief from his non-life; each time, antibiotics were administered. Four years later a stomach tube was inserted for feeding; another year passed. Every week of those five years, I wrote letters describing his grandchildren and great grandchildren, funny stories, but he forgot what the words meant. His body was nearly immobile from unuse and continuing strokes. At the time of his death, he was vegetative. The disease process (multiple strokes over 8 years) and lack of any mental stimulation whatsoever essentially erased his memory.

Sechang,

Sorry, your right..In typing the above post I didn't want to write a book but after reading it I did leave some holes in my story..

When ma was first diagnosed with AD, my sisters first thing to do was have ma ruled incompetent and have my sister appointed her the legal gaurdian. I fought it, and I applied to be my mothers legal gaurdian, but the courts ruled in my sisters favor. My argument was if my sister gets legal gaurdianship, she is going to put ma away, and sell the house. The court ruled in my sisters favor.

3 weeks later I got home and found a note on the table from my sister. "Michael I took ma to the (blank) in (blank), were she is going to be living for now on, and I am selling the house and you must be out of the house by such and such a date. Along with the paperwork was a court order from the court saying my sister has the right to sell the house for the purpose of paying for my mothers care.. So was it a court order no but..

A month later I stopped by to vistit my mother and she was in tears. She asked me "Why would my daughter do this to me?, Why did she sell the house? And why did she put my dog asleep?"

So my mother has AD but she still knew a month later that my sister sold her house and killed her dog.

As for her stages of AD. When she was ruled imcopetent by the courts, she was in the early stages according to a doctor. When my sister got the court order oking her to sell the house the same doctor stated she was in advanced stages of AD. But as some one that was with her every day she was no different.

I honestally believe the worse thing my family did was put my mother in a assited living facilty. Once there my mother had no reason to live. My mother being in a place she is not familiar with only made matters worse. The judge even told me "the worse thing you can do it take a person with AD in a surrounding that they are not familiar with, its only going to make matters worse for the patient".

Michael in NH,
You posted that your mother entered an assisted living facility in May 2003 by court order. A lot of things are left unsaid here. Could you come back and tell us of the severity of your mother's AD? And why a court order was necessary to change her living accommodations?

http://www.ec-online.net/Knowledge/Articles/adjusting.html