My father, after being kept from me for 4 months by my mother and sister, agreed to make my mother his legal guardian, and she got two doctors to eval. him on same day and lie about his health care status. She also withheld info. that would have prevented him from being declared incompetent. Now, he begs me every day to get him out of where my mother put him, and I can't because she is his guardian (she has been declared schizoaffective-I have the records from the facility that she gave me.) I don't know how to help my dad and he has been suffering for over a year. We have spent over 200,000 on legal fees and still nothing. Help, Please!!!!!

I am sorry that you are unable to assist with suggestions or support. The fact that you are unable to follow the happenings is not really confusing to me, part of what has been so upsetting has been the order, content and process of events. Obviously no one can tell me when to walk away, I was asking in more of a "opinion" oriented sense. Your backing off of any more of a detailed response reflects, I think, the difficult and frustrating nature of the law as it stands currently and why we in most states need more sensitive and sophisticated legislation for situations such as these. Don't worry about not being able to not follow my story, sometimes I find it daunting as well.

quote:

Do I contact the ombudsman, when does one walk away?

I have no idea whether you should contact an ombudsman or not - your lawyer should be able to let you know the order in which to do things.

No one can tell you when to walk away - that's a personal decision.

I still cannot follow your story nor does it really matter that I do so. Unfortunately there is nothing I can suggest to help you. You have your attorney and are going through the courts, you have a therapist making recommendations, your dad has therapists making recommendations everyone has attorneys so I'm sure everything will be ironed out. Good luck.

Hello, again. First, let me say that is helpful to read these comments because it reminds me of all the questions I had to go through in my own mind and with my attorney. I'll try to answer as I am formulating my response. When I stated "partially incompetent" what I meant is that there is a new law that just came out in Jersey in Jan. 2007 that is asking that the issue of
"incompetence" should not be so black and white in regards to law. The psychologist who has done the evaluation said that we should be in family therapy, (which my mother and sister refuse to do) in order to come up with a living situation that would be appropriate to his current state. I know that I have "issues" to work out in regards to my parents. I have a therapist and a physician who are both working with me. They have BOTH said that I should not see or talk with my mother (who was physically and psychologically abusive with me-she is a Holocaust Survivor and unfortunately has identified with the aggressivity that was shown in her young life). Prior to that recommendation, I had tried to get her to go with me and my sister for mediation. Her lawyer discouraged it. Her lawyer is extremely aggressive and my mother says she is afraid to leave him for fears of retaliation by her lawyer. My sister also has mental health issues.

As for the trust, when we went to mediation once as per the judge's order a trust was agreed upon, but the specifics of it have not been able to be finalized because my mother wants to have access to the principal, which is not the way a trust is supposed to go, as I understand. This is still in negotiation. It is a large sum of money, but I feel like walking away, though my lawyer discourages that.

Yes I would be willing to be the guardian and yes there are other places that I feel would be better for my dad than the place he is in, but as you sugggested I have no rights regarding this matter. My father waivers on who he wants to be his guardian. My mother, according to my Dad, threatens him when he asks her about money or any say he might have. He calls me and begs me to help. I do feel that it would not be good for him to be with my mother, but I do also feel that he has a right to be at home with a caretaker. He does have dementia, but it is arterial dementia and he has strong peaks and valleys. The judge has ordered that I do have a right to medical records, which I haven't received as of yet, and it is a slow uphill battle to see him. When the social worker was asked if she could find someone to replace her for visits, as I am not supposed to deal directly with her either due to the trauma she has caused me over 3 years (as per my doctors) which has been agreed to by the court, she said there is no one who is as competent as her to do this. Then the judge forced her to find a replacement and she had no choice. So my father's lawyer found a replacement.

I guess my basic question is, now that I have gotten into all the details (in case anyone is wondering I have a diagnosis of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that is pretty severe, I feel terribly guilty over my dad being in a place he doesn't want to be. I am much happier when I am not forced to deal with their problems but I feel like I made a promise to him when I was a child that I would never let him be in such a place. He and I had discussed this since I was a child. I should add that a doctor at the facility wrote he would be able to live at home. I know they are keeping him there, or at least I believe, because of my mother's incompetency in taking care of him. But as I said, that issue was negated by the judge, who said it should have been brought up at the beginning of the case. I tried but no one would listen. Do I contact the ombudsman, when does one walk away?

Sorry, but because your mother is his wife and next of kin, overruling her wishes will take challenging (and winning) custody from her. To prove your mother an unfit guardian will almost require proof of negligence, cruelty or insanity on her part.

Unless your father had money set aside for you in trusts, etc., it is considered their money and she is in control of it. From what little you have said, it sounds like your sibling is in accord with your mom which leaves you as the odd person out.

quote:

He has been recently assessed and has been deemed only partially incompetent.

I have never heard of this... perhaps it is a psychological term with which I am not familiar, but it certainly isn't a legal term. You either are or your aren't...

quote:

I am not saying he does not have limitations, i.e. short term memory disorder, but the doctor's diagnosis was based on info. my mother provided. I was not told of any of the evaluations.

Is it possible that you are not accepting his diagnosis? Why should you be informed or told of the evaluations in advance? Your mother is not required to inform her kids about this...

It is not at all uncommon for a patient to want to come home, BUT to be a resident or patient, he has to have agreed to be there or proven himself incompetent to two doctors for your mother, as his DPOA or guardian, to override his wishes.

The welfare of the patient IS the concern of social workers and doctors - they do not care about money and inheritance nor sibling rivalries or family disputes. If you have been denied access to him, there must be a reason this has been requested. If there is no reason to deny you visitation and your father has indeed been unlawfully institutionalized, all it will take is an independent psychological review ordered by the court and statements by him that he is unhappy, being held against his will and best interest and the judge will clear everything up.

If your father was aware of your mother's gambling problems and did nothing to shelter their money from her, then there is really nothing you can do. It is hers to spend on his and her care until either the money runs out or they both die. It is their money.

What I am hearing here is a lot about money and family feuding and very little about your father's care, diagnosis and treatment. I'm sorry not to sound more supportive, but I cannot help wondering, given what you have written, whether you understand the realities of eldercare and progressive brain disorders or are in a state of denial about your father's condition.

No one can just lock your dad away without just cause and most of the time, the system tends to err on the side of the patient in terms of allowing people to retain their independence and freedom.

After spending so much money for so little action, again, I cannot help but think that the system is working as it should and perhaps you are being soaked by an attorney who may be misinforming you about the realities of eldercare issues. 200 grand is a LOT of money to spend to have only monthly visits as a result... exactly WHAT are you trying to achieve? Custody of him?

Forgive my bluntness, but I think you have a lot of emotional issues tied up with your dad's situation that don't belong there... your first concern has to be about his care! Sounds to me like if his wife is such an irresponsible person, you sure wouldn't want her to care for him. Is there a facility where you think he will receive better treatment? Are you willing to care for him yourself?

Have you sought counseling for YOUR difficulties with this situation? Many children have problems dealing with eldercare because of prior family problems and emotional issues. For eldercare to work in the best interest of the patient, everyone has to leave their emotional baggage at the door and pull together for what's best for the person in need.

Good luck in resolving this.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

Ah hah! So these are physicians for hire for their "expert testimony" in that case these can be refuted in a court of law by bringing in your own "experts"
How bout a private investigator to do background checks and such on your mother I mean it sounds like the relationship is already bad whats this gonna do to it that hasnt already been done, knowaddimean.
They can look into records such as bank gambling assets etc etc oh yeah and they may be able to access medical if their really good at their job or have friends in low places
Now where did that come from lol Oh I can be a bad girl iffn I wanna be
Your going to need to refute everything your mom has brought forward in order for a judge or others to question her motives
Good luck keep us posted on your progress when you can

Thank you for your responses. As to the first comment, the 2 evals were done by 2 doctors in my mother's law office building on the same day, which is like asking someone to run a marathon twice. I am not saying he does not have limitations, i.e. short term memory disorder, but the doctor's diagnosis was based on info. my mother provided. I was not told of any of the evaluations. Also, I did tell my lawyer about my mother's mental health history, I also told my father's lawyer at the time. Both responded by saying it was not relavant. The judge, once we finally got it admitted into court, reprimanded us for not bringing it to court earlier (he got the same records, only later) and therefore did not accept them into the court proceedings. I would gladly become the guardian, but my dad doesn't know that she took most of the money they saved and gambled it away, as well as tried to take his name off the house they shared (which the judge disallowed.) I don't want to upset my father by trying to make him look at my mother in a way that he is not prepared to look at her. She has a severe gambling history, which he did know about prior to becoming ill. He always says I should not forget about him, or can't I rescue him and I feel so caught in the middle. The social worker involved in this is unbelievably incompetent (I am told that with court workers this often happens) and has restricted my contact with him. I have only seen him 2 times in 2 years and cannot call him. He can only call me. But I can't return his calls. It is sort of ironic that he has a memory disorder, because he doesn't remember if he called me. A lot of this is actually about money, I believe, when my mother found out that he wanted to give me money or property as inheritance, she disagreed, and hence the problems. She wanted to give it to my twin sister who she has always favored. He has been recently assessed and has been deemed only partially incompetent. The psychologist who assessed him does say that he is extremely depressed and lonely. Finally, my lawyer has been able to get regular visits scheduled, aka. once a month, but it pains me to see him there, and I still can't call him. We are filing with the Board of Social Workers in our state to report the social worker. I probably will end up seeking assistance with the ombudsman in our state. Just wondering if there may be other ideas. I would appreciate any help or suggestions. And I don't take any criticism with bad intent. Just helps me to think of things maybe in a way I haven't.

quote:

she got two doctors to eval. him on same day and lie about his health care status. She also withheld info. that would have prevented him from being declared incompetent

Robin Welcome in I have to ask why you think 2 separate doctors have lied as to your fathers mental status that is highly unlikely.
Anytime a physician see's a patient that they have to evaluate they have to write down everything about that person and whether or not they feel that person is competent or not otherwise they can lose their license if someone, like for instance you, decide to have them hauled into court.
If in fact your own mom has issues and you have the papers to prove it why didnt you give them to your lawyer to prove she was not suited to care for your father?
There are many questions rather than answers here that I can clearly see.
Your father is in an ALF for the simple reason he can no longer be on his own and needs aid with ADL's and your mom is not able to handle the job, guardian or not, he is relatively safe where he is at why not try and get him to be more comfortable with his surroundings rather than bring on WW3 where everyone is going to suffer?
We can not possibly respond or help a situation such as this since we are getting only a partial view to the situation my dear, no disrespect intended but this is impossible for us to comment one way or another my response is from what Im reading and that may be way off the mark.
If you feel so strongly please do get a lawyer who can be versed entirely on your fathers situation

Welcome, Robin. Sorry about your difficulties. The only way you can affect this situation is to go to court for guardianship of your father. There you will have to present legal reasons for why he should be removed from your mother's guardianship and transferred to the state or to you. There's really nothing else that you can do.
Good luck.