At the end of July, I'm moving to Texas to be a live-in caregiver for my Mom.
I am excited about being able to be there for her, yet I'm scared.
I don't want to fall back into the Mother/Daughter dynamic and feel like a child again (I'm 58/Mom is 87).

Mom has been very independent and she is head-strong. But,so am I, so I'm afraid there may be some head-butting between us.

How do I stay strong and do what she needs to have done for her without becoming a child who does what she wants me to?

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No wine, will vodka do the trick?

Absolutly!
Oh, and Water Wings if yer prone to drowning...

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Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
With a glass of wine. Nice music. And a good murder novel. And candles

Music. Check. Murder novel. Check. Candles. Check. No wine, will vodka do the trick?

Ahhhh! Feelin' better already!!

I have seen the scene. Believe me, I , uh, would find another way to have a dead chicken.(they don't have to run around and flap like that.) I prefer whole grain bread, but off a ducks back.

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Ahem Wink water off a duck's back is a few notches easier to handle that a chicken runnining with its head cut off. Big Grin Big Grin

Yeah, but if you've ever seen the scene, it sure resembles how folks behave when they're running around wildly flapping, squawking and generally carrying on...

Water off a duck's back is so.... whitebread.

Ahem water off a duck's back is a few notches easier to handle that a chicken runnining with its head cut off.

Take a DEEEEP Breath, SS. (this won't be the last time one of us reminds you to BREATHE) And fasten your seatbelt - the ride gets bumpy.

People who allow small stuff to get on their nerves too easily have a tough time with eldercare. Expecting that things follow the "normal" rules, etc. is setting oneself up for a LARGE surprise. The more flexible and easygoing one can be, the easier it is. Sure, your Mom is bugging the everlivin' crap outta your sister - someone's COMING and things have to be done!!! Squawk, flap!!! She is different with a MALE because he IS a MALE. Mom usta give my sis & me all kinds of crap, but our husbands were god-like in their perfection and she was smitten with their attention.

Ya gotta not even let things like this give you pause. Sometimes, I just put on blinders and sound filters so as not to notice the flapping around like a chicken with its head chopped off and the squawking (which I don't know how the chicken does with its head cut off anyhow...)
Maybe I should go back to the "water on a duck's back" metaphor...

As my great-gramma used to say, "Don't borrow trouble." If no one's yellin' at you, it's a FINE day. If they DO start yellin' at you, it's a fine time for Calgon to take you away.
With a glass of wine. Nice music. And a good murder novel. And candles

Thank you so much Bobcat for your input! You have made me feel so much better.

"you ARE a daughter, but you are NOT a child or a slave."--I will definitely remember this!!

"I hate to suggest that your sister is continuing to fulfill her childhood role in your mother's life. That is probably way off base and out of line."--You are not out of line in the least! Yes, Sis has been around Mom for many years and has never gotten out of that childhood role. I, on the other hand, have lived far away and have built my own independence and adulthood without Mom's influence.

Perhaps I have a chance!

How odd. Just a thought, you are like the prodigal child returning home and your mother wants the fatted calf prepared for you by your sister, the one who has been close by all the time. Hmmm, I think I have heard something of the sort before.

I have a feeling after you are settled in, your sister will not have to deal with it more than she can handle it, but unless there is something going on with her medical condition, this is probably a pattern of a very long time making. She has been counting on your sister and even taking her for granted. At the moment anyway, she sees you as a guest. That will change, but doesn't necessarily mean the relationship will become difficult.

You will have a unique opportunity to step into the situation with more knowledge that most of us started with, but this one is your MOM. You know a great deal about what is a part of care giving, you ARE a daughter, but you are NOT a child or a slave. When you get there, you won't be stepping into your sister's role but creating your own. It is not unusual for an elderly widow to listen to a man. That is just how it goes somedays. She is from a different place and time.

I hate to suggest that your sister is continuing to fulfill her childhood role in your mother's life. That is probably way off base and out of line. Just watch out for the hints that your mother is expecting the parent- child relationship with you. That is not why you are returning. There will be times to humor her, but she needs you to be grown up, now. You will be OK.

Oh boy, it's starting already and I'm not even there yet! (10 more days)

My sis is caring for her until I get there. Mom insists sis get my room ready for me even though I told Mom I would take care of that when I get there. All I needed, for now, was clean sheets on the bed. Sis says Mom demands this or that to be done and to be done like yesterday. Not only my room but other minor house repairs and cleaning. Sis is ready to pull her hair out!

Mom treats her badly with disrespect but if my sis' husband tells Mom the same thing (why something can't be done right then), she listens to him!! WTH???

I sure hope I can handle this!

Hi SS. Having dealt with three adults who all have vigilantly defended their independence and right to live as they please - sometimes at the risk of their safety and well-being - the battle you are about to engage is a difficult one. NOT insurmountable, but difficult, and ever-changing as our loved ones' conditions change, and sometimes just plain frustrating as heck.

When I am an elder, if there is anyone in my life who is willing to help me should I become frail mentally or physically, I don't doubt I will be fighting them, too. Is there any among us who willingly gives up the independence we've enjoyed all our adult lives? Not many methinks. I'd like to think I'd be different, having been on the other side, but I"m guessing I won't be.

Besides the desire to maintain control over one's life simply because that's what we're used to, I believe there is a lot of fear in this equation, too. The more of our independence we feel is being stripped away from us, the more we feel our mortality. Most of our elders have watched some of their friends and loved ones go down a slippery slope from fully functional adults, to adults with increasing health issues needing more and more help, sometimes to institutionalization, and - even if not - eventually to death. Fighting to retain one's independence is, in essence, fighting for one's life.

That is how I think about it anyhow. Even our loved ones with dementia fight change till they reach a point where they can no longer fight. In a way, its' a good thing. As long as they're doing their best to stay independent, the more it shows they are still in this with us.

However... it is a HUGE problem for the caregiver who recognizes that our loved ones may well be compromising their safety if they continue doing what they're doing, and needs to make changes.

There is no easy answer, SS. A lot depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your mother initially. She's headstrong, you're probably gonna face challenges. You're gonna have to work on compromises. Give her as much input and control as possible. Respect her rights and privacy wherever you can and save the battles for the big issues. Employ her doctor and anyone else you can who can help back you up. Learn to tell great little white lies if you must.

You'll figure it out, but it's gonna take time and it may not be a whole lot of fun, I can't lie to you.

One piece of medicine that I think helps any situation is laughter. If your Mom has a good sense of humor, try to keep her laughing and upbeat. Do things with her that make her feel cherished and loved and valued as a person. Make sure she knows that she is still Mom, and that you still need her as Mom, even if there are ways that you will be taking over that role in reality.

Good luck to you, SS. I"m sure you'll find the answers you need, and will holler here or elsewhere when you need advice, and you'll be great at this. Your Mom's a lucky woman to have you.

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Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:

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"I prepare in advance and leave nothing to chance."

Yep, you think so, then you get blindsided and have to think on your feet with a concussion.

BC, ya slay me!!!


Dit-TO!!! Just summed up my life in a nutshell!

Soooo true!!!

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"I prepare in advance and leave nothing to chance."

Yep, you think so, then you get blindsided and have to think on your feet with a concussion.

BC, ya slay me!!!

Soooo true!!!

DOCHKA and SS. ROTFLOL. I compare my siggy and SeniorSafari's. Please let me apologise immediately, SS.

My siggy is from my days in the feed and seed business. Customers thought (hoped) that the person at the cash register in a feed store would know more about the weather than the weather man. "Is it going to rain tomorrow?" "Will there be a frost after the 16th?"...

I would tell folks that I dropped my crystal ball (*) and it got a big scratch. It was in the shop for polishing, so for now, I couldn't tell them squat about the Dang weather..

Maybe a few others have thought my siggy was strange and this will explain. This could be (probably will be) a huge challenge.

"I prepare in advance and leave nothing to chance."

Yep, you think so, then you get blindsided and have to think on your feet with a concussion.

I believe you can and maybe even 'should' do this. Now it isn't academic. It will be YOU.

Lets give just a moment here. It isn't about YOU...It is about your mother. Don't jerk her around. (Sorry, I am believing more and more that you MUST be realistic as soon as possible. It is the best way to be fair to your loved one and yourself.)

With your background, your mother might be better off if you over see her care by others. THAT is what you have done for many years. Honey, you have seen the show. You know the drill....POA? DPOA?,

You cannot be a child. Your Mom needs a caregiver.
This is tricky business. You have advised people, but can you "listen" to yourself?

I hope we can help. I have said it before that in home care can be worth gold. It still takes a special wisdom to know if someone else might do it better.

Look for all the help you would advise another to seek...Elder Day Care, for a start.

http://www.savvysenior.org/seniorresources.htm#TEX

a quick link to savvy senior Texas. one of my faves.

SS, I just read your signature quote:
"I prepare in advance and leave nothing to chance."

This will serve you well in many instances.
On the other hand, you don't know what you will be facing so you are getting nervous.

Don't worry too much. You've been resourceful in helping others and you will do fine with your mom. The ECO website has a TON of advice.

Here is a great article from our homepage.
http://www.ec-online.net/Knowl...arentcaringtips.html

Thanks so much Mom's_Buddy! I'm printing out all this advice because it sure bolsters me and qualms my fears quite a bit!
Thank you all!!

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I run a website on Eldercare and now that I'm a personal caregiver I'm clueless as to what to do! It is very different when you're doing it for family!

Running a website or caring for folks professionally or advising is as different from actually being IN the situation 24/7 as green beans and pineapples!! The perspective from inside is quite different from the way things appear to those on the outside. Being on the receiving end of dealing with eldercare services (or the lack thereof), the emotional maelstroms caregiving can engender, etc. is a whole nuther shootin' match!! That's why it's so important to have support from folks who talk the talk and walk the walk.

SS, honestly, there's really no way to anticipate situations like this. You simply have to dive in and see how the dynamics feel once you get into things. The key point to remember is that YOU are the one who will be making changes (if necessary) in the way YOU relate to her; it won't much happen the other way around because she isn't gonna be learning any new tricks. While she may still be headstrong and attempt to "run" you, you are an adult now and can learn how NOT to react in the same old way that nets the same old results. It's like a dance: if either party changes the steps they do, the dance changes. If they make the same moves, the dance remains the same. Patronizing doesn't help. Remember that it's she who is losing her ability to live independently. Being sensitive to how that feels to an elder can go a long way toward keeping relations going smoothly. It'll be a trying time for both of y'all, so pack a few extra suitcases full of patience and love. Good luck!

Opinionated-- Thank you! That helps!

Bobcat--Hi! Yes I'm back, and once I get out to Mom's, I'm sure I'll be on here a lot!

I will do my best to remain the adult. It's funny--I run a website on Eldercare and now that I'm a personal caregiver I'm clueless as to what to do! It is very different when you're doing it for family! haha!

Yes, my 'puter is going with me! It's my lifeline to the world--I wouldn't be without it!

Thank you for your reply!!

I think it's startling to find the positions are reversed -- it's you who will be nurturing and your mom who will be depending on you. A lot of times when I got tired or short-tempered, I remembered I wasn't doing anything for Mom that she didn't do for me. That helped. :-)

Hi, SS, welcome back. Don't pull any punches now,,hit us with the hard questions. Without more thought (and your question deserves better than this off the cuff remark I am about to make),, keep in mind that you are going to her because she needs you. You are grown, but she is your Mom. Still you and she can't turn back the clock. SHE NEEDS YOU to be grown. She is old and can't raise any more kids. If you were a child or would act like one, you wouldn't be any help to her.

That doesn't mean she won't see you as her baby, because you will always be that. Don't worry too much. You are taking your 'puter, right? Keep in touch, and Good luck.