My dad, (74) and my mom (73) argue all the time. This is not something new that they do but it has been exascerbated by the fact that my dad was diagnosed with two inoperable aortic aneurysms in June. They are inoperable because he has severe COPD. He was in the hospital for 2 weeks. During that time, he cracked a vertebrae and was in severe pain so much so that when he came home he yelled and cried with the pain. The doctor gave him heavy pain meds. and called Hospice in (at the time we didn't know that he had cracked the vertebrae). Well, to make a long story short, his vertebrae healed so he had no pain. Hospice had put him on morphine and other heavy pain meds. - because there was no pain and alot of nausea, they gradually took him off the morphine. His nausea stayed the same (he has had two endoscopies and they found he had had a slow stomach and put him on Reglan). He is also on Prozac. Anyway, he has now gotten over the nausea and has no pain. He isn't on too many meds. at all. He has a hospital bed and oxygen that Hospice has provided. They are reevaluating him in a couple of months and will probably take him off of Hospice - which is a good thing - he doesn't really need it now anyway. He is functioning pretty well and eating up a storm. He looks so much better - he was down to 121 lbs. and should be around 140 now. He has an aide come from Hospice twice a week to make sure he doesn't fall when he takes a bath and she also changes my dad's sheets. On the other days, he bathes everyday without any help. He is more agile than my mom, me or my husband. We also feel really comfortable now in being able to leave him for an afternoon a week to go do errands. He is fully functional and able to take care of himself during that time. He has even driven a couple of times. His only real problem is that he has two aneursyms that could burst at anytime. I equate that with a person with a bad heart. He also has the COPD which seems to be worse (he only started using a nebulizer in March). The real problems that we are now having is his attitude. He sleeps alot of the time (is not on anything that would make him do this). He goes back to bed alot and stays in his pajamas most days. He has started to increase what he does but is so demanding and selfish with my mom. They both react to each other the way they always have with anger and disrespect, but it is much worse right now. My mom gets so depressed because she feels like she is living only to take care of his psychical needs - if a meal isn't on the table he whines and acts like a child. In fact his behavior has gotten to be like a child's in many respects. He doesn't carry a conversation well at all. I know that is mostly because he is getting older, doesn't hear well and doesn't concentrate well. We were there last night and the conversation erupted into an argument between them because he was talking about changing from the hospital bed back to his regular bed and how he didn't like this and he didn't like that. He is really obsessive too.
My poor mom had to sleep without an air conditioner in the guest room all summer long. He had an a/c in the master bedroom. He has always had to have what he wants. He just dwells on himself. My question is how do we get him to think of others and to mellow out and not start fights with mom. How do we get him to get his zest for life back - to go out and do things. He keeps saying,
"I don't do this anymore" or "I don't do that anymore" - we almost said to him Why Not but it was during a time when they had been fighting.
We just keep quiet - I hate it because my parents have never cared who was around when they fight. The only thing that makes my mom happy is that our first grandbaby is due anyday now - her first great grandchild.

I just need some advice on how to coax my dad to be more like he was - which wasn't that great at best.

Thanks.

Get the book, Elder Rage, http://www.elderrage.com. Even if rage isn't the issue. This is a story about a daughter trying to help her elderly couple parents through the latter part of their lives. You will find lots in it that rings true for you.

P.S. I'm not trying to help sell the book; it just has helped me a lot.

Willa, welcome, wow, what a time you are having.You are sandwiched between mom and dad.Firts, your dad not wanting to get dressed and sleeping all the time has all the ear marks of depression,I know you stated he takes prozac, but it may not be working and possibly trying a new med. would help.
If things have continued to get out of hand, you may have to sit down with dad and talk with him.Remember, you are an adult and he needs to accept you as one and listen to what you have to say.It is going to be hard for him to want to change when he has gooten away with so much , most of his life.Mom and all of you are going to have to be strong and learn to be assertive with him.I know it is not easy but he depends on all of you, which he will not admit.
On one hand he is a frail man on the other hand he is behaving like a child and a child needs to have boundries.Too bad mother did not put her foot down years ago.He would have respected her for setting boundries .Another way would to have mother have time away from him and see how he reacts to her absense.Many time a man, woman, will be so assuming of one another.If I were mom, I would turn his care over to a family member and go about making life more enjoyable.Put your foot down.He may get mad but you have seen him mad most of your life.Do not allow him to dismiss what you say