My 93 year old grandfather had a stroke about 4 months ago. He refuses to go into assisted living and he refuses to hire anyone to help him in his home. This is all despite having excellent long-term care insurance which pays about $5000 a month for him and my grandmother to live comfortably. Every time me and my father go over to see them the house is filthy and smells because he refuses to clean. He also refuses to cook or buy adequate food so my poor grandmother eats peanut butter on bread for some meals. He recently lost his license due to failing a driving test after committing a hit and run...that he was not even aware of! On top of this he is absolutely nasty to my father even though he is completely reliable on him for everything. Every time he is asked about assisted living he says things like "Why are you trying to kick me out of my home?" We both believe that he is developing serious dementia and this is scary because he takes care of my grandmother who is diabetic. Their standard of living is horrible but he absolutely refuses to do anything about it. My father is an only child and we do not have a large family to help us with this situation. What can we do? Can anyone give me some advice? Thank you!!

Pammer here's my thoughts about this and what you can do if Grandpa does not move to assisted living immediately:


First, since he had a stroke, I'll bet his judgment has been effected badly by that. So what seems like his "refusal" is really a symptom of what that stroke did to his brain.


He must have a neurologist? As he had a stroke. Find out that neurologist's name. Have your dad make an appointment to talk to that doc about his dad.


This is assuming the doc will talk to your dad about him.

Legal matters: I have all the legal paperwork needed to take care of my mother. Does your dad have power of attorney, power of health care and such? I hope he does as this will allow him to talk to your grandad's doctors.


Because from what you've described, I think your granddad's behavior is a result of his stroke. It needs medical intervention.


As for your grandmother, how about have her come visit you at your home or you dad at his? I remember one of my great aunts and uncles - at some point my 90 something great uncle was impossible to be around, so my great aunt would go visit her son. One time she came and stayed with me for a week. Just to get away from her husband - who had been a nice man all his life until then (she was also in her 90s so she could not see why he could not stay nice the way she was staying nice.)


If your dad does not have power of attorneys on legal and health care matters, and given his father has had a stroke, is behaving the way he is now and you all are worried he is not competant - then call your Probate Judge or Probate Court and ask them if they are the ones that hold competance hearings (in my town it is the Probate Judge who hears competance cases.)

Then get a lawyer who specializes in this sort of thing and apply to the court to have Grandpa declared incompetant. The court will then hear all the evidence and make the decision. If the Court agrees with you, your Grandpa will be protected from himself and your Grandma will have peace in her life.

Just reading what you've described, it looks to me like this is a medical issue and that the sooner you all can take legal matters - if Gramps does not move - the better for him and Grandma. ec kostrubala

Oh Pammer, that is a bit disappointing to be sure, it may have to do with if your GM is considered competent, and it is like you say, she will have to ask for help. I really don't know. Frankly, it is not against the law to be lax in your housekeeping (thank goodness)unless it is time to call the health department, or to eat junk food, or to have to rely on others to tote you around (clearly if he was involved in a hit and run and didn't even know it his license should be pulled). BUT, if your GM is helpless and being abused, physically, mentally, verbally, that's where you DOCUMENT everything.

Our elders are often very proud people who don't want anyone stepping in to the mix. That is especially true, as they start to slip. It is in fact panic time, their Alamo.

I hope he means it when he says he will move, but he probably threw your Dad a bone to get him to shut up. If your GM is competent, it may take her to say "I am leaving this situation, not leaving you, and you can come now or later or not". I am sorry that this is so hard for you. It has got to be very hard for your Dad. Maybe right now, your only job is to support him, and I am sure he appreciates that. It might also be a good time (on a calm day) to discuss with him what his wishes are and a plan to see them through. Surely he won't wish this same disaster on you. Yes, a very good time to ask about his plans.

Update on my situation:

After things got much worse, things are starting to get better. My grandparents' mailman told my father that he could hear my grandfather yelling at my grandmother. My dad witnessed him calling her names. She cries everyday because she wants to go into assisted living with her sister. Finally, after a huge argument with my father, my grandfather said he will move.

There is only one troubling thing - I called APS and asked them about the situation. I told them that my grandfather does not clean, they do not eat properly, he doesn't have a drivers license, and that he is not competent to take care of my grandmother. The woman told me that there is "nothing they can do." How can this possibly be true? I told her that something awful was probably going to happen and she said that it didn't matter. The only thing that she was willing to do was call them.

Pammer, this is a dilemma. If your grandmother is of sound mind, she needs to discuss all of this with her doctor and either convince her husband to have more extensive testing to determine his cognitive function level (ie. dementia? etc.) and then will have to consult with an eldercare attorney to see if she can, as his wife and next of kin, get care for both of them even if he does not want this. Honestly, APS might be the best solution after discussion with the doc because your grandmother may need their services to be able to obtain care for herself and for her husband. They are not the enemy and often are your best friends in managing issues such as this.

Eldercare legal issues are VERY complicated!!!

Woops I misread "do not" have a big family sorry dear late night and Im toast and this smoke is wreaking havoc on me Can someone point a fan towards Cali PLEASE!
Ok can your dad take your grandmother to the doctor so they may discuss in private away from your gramps what is going on?
If its that bad it needs to be dealt with and since she seems more willing to listen to reason she my pick for the moment.
Also ask their PCP if he/she can get a Social worker involved in the case if not APS is going to be your only avenue. They are trained just like medical Social Workers to deal with delicate issues like these.
Please do voice your concerns like the anger you are seeing.

Thank you both for your advice. I hope that it does not come to having to call APS.

Bunnys_grl, we actually do not have a very large family. My dad is an only child and he only has two grandchildren -me and my sister. My father visits him at least once a week and usually more. They talk on the phone every day. He also has stocked his house full a food and cleans his house for him. He would also bring them nice meals but my grandfather gets angry that they are "too expensive." My father is happy to do all of this but he cannot be their caregiver on a long-term basis because he needs to work.

My grandmother wants to go into assisted living to be with her only remaining sister. She tells my grandfather to clean but he gets mad and calls her names. This makes me and my father very upset. He doesn't seem to care at all about her wishes. She is such a sweet lady and this whole situation has me steamed!

Welcome Pammer I would have to agree with MB that APS may be the best and fastest route to succeed in getting your gran and gramps some much needed help but heres a question first, what is your gran saying throughout all this? Does she have an opinion?
How about if (like you said you have a large family) you all get together to form a plan to spend some time with them, first one big weekend and clean the place up from top to bottom stock up the cabinets and fridge and make some meals in individual servings that can be heated in the microwave for them meanwhile getting them used to having folks around them
Plan to have a rotation of family members visit, take them shopping since gramps lost his license and most importantly dont take no for an answer.
I find the reason most elderly folks say no to a family injecting themselves into their lives is *and this is out of their own mouths* they show up sporadically at best, only want something, cant be relied on, have enough to worry about without having to put up with the likes of an old woman/man to take care of and the list goes on from there.
Not too good huh?
Well their trust is not there, they watched as their family went off in different directions got married started families of their own and spent less and less time with them.
We have to try to pave a new road into their lives that they can trust, that they know when someone says they will be there for them they will.
Larger groups instead of a couple of people work best they are more likely to be on their best behavior and maybe someone in your large family will gain some immediate trust in which they can be relied upon to open the door to a more positive outcome. Grandbabies work miracles too dont forget them
Since its summertime how about a family BBQ?
You all bring the BBQ if need be, food, coolers filled with drinks so that you dont have to rely on a kitchen that may or may not have what you need to prepare a meal in and your not using your grandparents food

Welcome, Pammer, and sorry things are going so badly for your grandfather & grandmother. If they refuse assistance and you believe their conditions are dangerous for them or other people, please call the APS folks in his area. They CAN intercede and require that he either allow assistance to keep his (and your grandmother's) environment clean and the home stocked with reasonably nutritious food. If he refuses to do so, they can get the court involved and he may be directed to either provide a minimal standard of living for himself and his wife or they can take custody of him. Your father could seek guardianship also. First, try talking frankly with him and tell hims that if he will NOT care for them properly that action will have to be taken. If that doesn't work out, then call APS. He will be angry, but that's not as important as getting help for BOTH of them. Good luck and let us know how things are going with you and yours.